How Can I Be More Supportive?

Why do you want to be supportive of someone who is abusive? Hand him a bottle of Prozac and tell him to snap out of it-life is often tough-home is a sanctuary-especially when it contains people you love-he should be grateful not grumpy.

Sounds like depression.

You are right to want to work on you instead of wondering how you can fix him. He is responsible for him, and you can only control what you do.

He doesn't text you... ok, maybe he's busy at work. Text him a couple times a day telling him how grateful you are that he works so hard for you and the kids. Tell him how you admire his hard work and dedication to his family. Guys love that kind of thing. That ego boost could make him feel like a million bucks.

When he gets home, be happy to see him. Give him a hug & a kiss. Ask if he would like a shoulder rub.

Usually what I see in marriages is that if one person falls into a rut, the other takes it personally and withdraws as well. This is YOUR marriage and YOUR life. Don't let that happen. This is YOUR husband. I 100% disagree with Robin. He's not being abusive. He's depressed and unhappy. Be his point-woman, his solace, his comfort. Be the arms he falls into at the end of the day.

When his ego and mind are in a better place, you can expect him to reciprocate.

Good luck! I hope things get better for you. You sound like a wonderful wife. Hope he learns to appreciate you!

My late Dad used to say: that children and/or adults, need to be able to "vent" at home. If not, where will they vent and/or get their feelings heard, or to feel supported?

The point is, for an adult, they can more adeptly learn how to vent, in a more pleasant way. Than a child. PERHAPS, set a time aside for your Husband, so that he can talk about his day. And let it all out or let out pent up steam. He probably needs a shoulder. And that is his Wife.
Tell him, you are there for him... but, he needs to try and vent, not in an angry way or taking it out on you/family. But in an "adult" like manner. You know he gets irritated, we all do... but there is a time and a place. Not every second and not blaming everyone. He has stress. Validate that. BUT... that he should not take it out on everyone. Otherwise, it affects the whole household.

He is probably overwhelmed. And many people just don't know how to cope. Nor have coping skills.
Tell him if he can let you know of his work schedule. It is common courtesy. But at work, employees can't just text or call home all the time. That is not professional either. He has a Boss. Too.

Your Husband works a lot. You are a SAHM. But he is a part of the household and a Dad. But by the time he comes home... he is totally tired probably. Mentally and physically. PERHAPS, once he comes home... let him unwind. Then he can be ready to interact. And help in the house.

Sounds like he's unhappy with work, but can't really quit b/c he is the 'man' and 'breadwinner.' I agree with the posts that say to be your most cheerful. Know for yourself that this truly is a 'bump' and it's not the norm. Remind yourself that he's not upset with you, but upset with his situation. Be a listening ear. You sound like you're doing everythng you can to be supportive, so keep with that energy and drive. Ya know, even if he is being super-negative energy right now, can you hand him a beer and let him loosen up and then just totally seduce him? Sex can sometimes help get that stress out of a guy.

I feel for you. It sounds like he is taking you and the kids for granted. It's so nice that you are looking at yourself 1st., asking how can I improve the situation.

But, really, it takes two. Have you ever sat down and had a face to face and asked him? Is he happy? If not, why not and how can it be worked on.

In this situation, I would go about my own business. Do what you need to do to enjoy your day, whether he joins in or not. Allow him to have his moods, just try not to let it affect your mood.

What did you do before the "BUMP"?

Are you both eating well and getting enough rest? Do you tell him you love him and appreciate all he is doing for the family. Does he or did he do the same for you?

If not you both need a little time together....special time? Do you have anyone who can take your kids for the night in the near future?

If not, have you considered making him an extra special lunch that he's not expecting?

I wish you all the best.

I think having a heart to heart with him, might help him understand where you are coming from. Of course, you have to make it about him as well, " I know your tired when you get home, I know you have worked hard today.....but we miss you." You have already gotten some good advise (and not so good advise), but if you want to stay with your husband, obviously something has to change. I think it would be smart to make little changes, like when he gets home from work, try not to expect the worse, if your in a good mood (even if it is fake) it may just change his attitude. Home should be the place where he can't wait to come home to. Yes, he should be able to vent, but after that time, it should be all about the family.
You know your husband, what could get him out of his funk when he gets home?
My husband once told me that, "it would be nice if you came to me and kissed me hello, I feel like your making it my job to go to you." And he was right. He would walk in the door and I wouldn't get up from the couch and would wait for him to come to me. I was thankful that he came out and expressed how he felt. You have to try to make those small changes to see if that would change his attitude.
What do the kids do when he comes home? The kids should go to him and tell him about their day.....and your husband should WANT to hear it.
All in all, I think he needs a serious talking to. Look him in the eyes and tell him you love him and miss his smile. Go do something fun, rekindle what you used to have. On the other hand, he needs to understand that his grumpiness is effecting the family, and you need more attention (kids too).
Communication is most important for a good marriage. Have ONE talk, lay it on the line and tell him everything, along with validating his issues at the same time. Changing his attitude is going to be extremely difficult if nothing changes around him.
Good luck!

Robin I fail to see how he is being abusive! Grouchy and overwhelmed yes-abusive???? NO!!! She asked how to be supportive-not how to be immature and rude back.
Partyof5-You are right-it isn't fair. I really think he needs a listening ear and a sympathetic shoulder rub, even if you just want to kick him. Can you guys get a sitter for a bit for a date or even a walk around the block? Somehow you need to both get your feelings into the open without offending the other.
Can you text him during the day? An I love you or a "Honey you are such a hard worker!" might help soften him a bit too.

I can relate and you have every right to have concerns. He doesn't sound happy with life in general, which is no way to live :( I'd arrange a day date with him on a day off, no kids allowed. Maybe get out and enjoy some nature, or something that allows for lots of uninterrupted talking. Then, take a deep breath and tell him you're concerned with what you're seeing. Assure him that you wanted to talk because you love him and want him to be happy. Hopefully he'll let his guard down and tell you what the issue is. Maybe a compromise needs to happen, like he can work less if you work a couple shifts on the weekend? Maybe remind him of a specific memory when you can remember him being bright and happy. You may have to talk for a while to find out what the real problem is. It could be a jerk at work, work itself, a difficult project, or the stress of supporting a family. Sometimes people need a little shake to get them out of auto-pilot and out of a rut. If this has been going on for a while, you certainly don't want it to continue. I think dads need to be reminded how important they are too. Moms are so multi-faceted caregivers that short of teaching boys to pee standing up, we can do it all. Maybe you can carve out a specific activity for just him and the kids. He may find he gets energy and can relax more after a game with the kids?? Think about how his father was too, that relates a lot to how he is a father. Good luck! It's worth the possible argument when you do it with love :)

Hi.
you have received great advice below. I will add an additional perspective:

If someone is mistreating me or not treating me how I would like...I ask myself "how am I mistreating me?"...that is. Sometimes in life, people subconsciously perhaps mirror how we are to ourselves.

so...if you want to think about going the next step...how can you treat yourself better? then perhaps as well your attitude will change and how your husband will treat you will improve.

this sometimes works for me. and hey, in this case, treating yourself better can't hurt and can be fun :)

good luck to you.
jilly