Well, lets give some background. My best friend and I have known each other for 7 or 8 years now. She has 3 children (all in their teens), and got married to (lets call him Joe) about 3 years ago. They seemed to have their ups and downs, you know, the usual couple fights, and then things went downhill at a rapid pace. I haven't talked to him in quite a while, but my friend is describing someone that doesn't seem like him at all. He took all of his things, including things that had been given to the jointly over the years, he took the dog, he took a TV out of her sons room, and he left her with a mortgage payment that he's not helping out with, and bills that he hasn't paid for months. Needless to say I am amazed that he could do that to someone. She works extrememly hard, and she's the type of person that doesn't cry at all. Whenever I talk to her and he has been in contact with her, she's crying so much that I dont know what to say to her. I've always been an outspoken person, and I want to be careful what I say. I also want to help in any way I can, but monetarily I just can't do it right now. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks for all the great advice! I had a sit down with her, and she vented EVERYTHING that had been going on recently between herself and the soon-to-be ex hubby. She now has an attorney and seperation papers have been filed with divorce papers to soon follow. She is trying to make her house her own now, so we'll be painting and decorating the cheap way with lots of help from friends! I can't thank you enough for everyone saying that they know a situation like this! You all really helped!
Be supportive and lend an ear when she needs it. Give her a hug. She's going through a tough time and needs all of the love and support that her friends can give.
MC
Hi N.
Well I am a legal secretary, and I deal with divorce cases every day, from a legal stand point, if she doesnt have a attorney, she needs to get one, her attorney would be most helpful is this senerio, she can file a motion with a judge to help pay certain marital bills, and arrange to split the marital property in a fair and equitable way, unfortunatley when people go through divorces the worst can come out in them as a person, thats why you are surprised he is acting this way, when you get hurt you lash out in your own way, the best thing you can do is support her anyway that works for you, she will appreciate it in the end that you were her "rock" during this difficult time. also remind her that the property in her house is just stuff, its not that important in the end, she has her kids, her health and you!
All you can do is be there for her, as a friend. Listen, call her more often, spend time with her and her kids, etc. It may be hard to bite your tongue (I am also outspoken)- but saying hurtful things about her soon-to-be ex-husband will only make her lose self-confidence for making a bad decision. After a divorce and she has recovered- speak all the bad things about him you want! I hope this helps and good luck.
Divorce can certainly be an ugly thing. Your friend doesn't need you to fix things for her she just needs your support, lots of it. Monetary help isn't the only thing you could offer her, think creatively...ask her over for dinner, or get a babysitter and go out for a cocktail or some coffee, get your nails done and simply be there to listen. You are a great friend! Good luck to her...
When you listen, you have to imagine her soon to be ex as someone you don't know. Because as she's describing him, you don't know, really.
And at the same time, you don't know his side of the story either. You're getting one side pretty much.
In a way I'm in the same boat. If I were to tell my family that I'm going to be calling it quits with my hubby, I know they'd be shocked. "He's such a nice person", etc. "I just can't believe that". And I try to be extremely fair. So, so far I haven't mentioned it to my family. It's difficult to be objective sometimes. People see what they've known, and that's usually the external image; they don't know what goes on behind the scenes.
Just be there for your friend. Don't invalidate what she's saying. Be encouraging, because support will help make her strong. And strength will see her through a difficult time and give her the confidence to do what she feels she needs to. Obviously he isn't taking things well.
He's angry. Guys don't do failure and shame very well.
My best friend was just granted a divorce from her husband this month. She has been extremely depressed and upset constantly. She is in fear of being evicted as she doesn't have enough money to live since her husband moved out. I have given her some money and groceries but I am not able to give her any large amounts of money either.
The best advice I can give you is for you just to be there for support, advice, and most of all...a shoulder to cry on. Maybe a hug once in a while. That's all you can do at this time. Just tell her you love her and you're always there for her. I wish you both luck. Oh yeah....also remind her that she will be much happier without someone mistreating her and taking advantage of her. She's worth more than that.
God bless,
R.
Hello Naoomi, I've been in your friends shoes. The best way to help her is to just be there for her. Sit with her when she cries. Get her out of the house. Keep her distracted. And find out where she can go for help financially. Ask pastors in the area, they can sometimes help. Maybe she will have to sell her home, she would need help getting it ready to show. Does she have medical needs or low income? If so check with the county you are in for assistance. You can not solve money problems, but she will know who her true friends are when this is over by who was there for her when her chips were falling. Good luck to all of you.
Hi N. -
I agree with Cari. Tell her to get a good attorney as soon as possible. My ex ended up paying for all the divorce fees and ended up helping me with household expenses during the divorce. There was no way he was sneaking out of it. I would also tell her to go seek counseling. You are not a professional and you are too closely involved to be objective. Be there for her, let her "unload" on you when needed. An ear to chew is often more help than anything monetary you could possibly give her. Depending on her income she may qualify for DHS services, too. (DHS used to be FIA)
Good luck - I wish her the best - S.
Hi N.
Your friend will certainly be in my prayers. With you being a paramedic you probably know of rescue places for her to go. All the same I would contact some of the local churches around her as well as the school in which the kids attend.
I know she probably doesn't want to make all of this known, but sometimes you have to in order to get the help you need.
P. W
that really stinks and what stinks even worse is that its getting to be very common these days that the lady is getting left high and dry. i can count on my left hand how many people (i would have said happy marriages) have been left by their spouse and it seems that as soon as the guy turns around 40 or so they leave the woman for another one- younger most times.. this has happened to 4 people i know closely and i was shocked at each divorce.... is your friend divorced yet? i have a friend like that who doest cry or bother others with her woes but i have found just telling her i am there if she needs to vent or cry or whatever and taking her out once in a while sometimes she will get to telling me her stuff and venting and she said it helps her...
