I have recently made a conscious decision to "change". I'm turning 34 in August, and I only have this one life to live. I am very lucky to have what I have. A great family, kids, a fun job, and a husband who loves me. The problem-I'm one of the most unhappy people. Over the last few years, I have created an unfortunate distance from my husband. I am searching for ways to reconnect. I want to hear some experiences with this. I thought about writing him a letter to tell him exactly how I feel. Why a letter? I feel like when you're reading something, you have a focus, unlike listening, where you can just tune out when someone is talking to you. He always says "Why aren't you ever happy anymore?" And he often mentions the person I was 8 years ago when we got together. I can't jump back, but I wonder if he could feel the same way about me as he did then? And could I?
I weigh about 20 pounds more than when we got together, which isn't significant, but I feel awful about myself and being intimate. I mentally can't let go of the inhibitions. I would love to be able to undress, and feel good during intimacy. I cannot stand the thought of it most days. But it's time to change. How can I want him again? And how can I let him know that I am ready to change? My marriage may depend on it.
Mamazita- thank you for the compliment! That made me smile.
I have heard of the Fireproof movie before. I am intrigued. And after I see it, I may get the book too!
I really loved the movie Fireproof and the Love Dare book that goes along with it.
I also highly recommend the Dr.Phil book Self Matters.
Go buy the book called "The Love Dare." It is an amazing way to reconnect.
Guys think about their wives differently than wives think guys think about them.
Remember, "A model needs perfect lighting, professional makeup and designer clothing to look as good as the average woman does to the man that's in love with her."
Read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Watch the movie, "Fireproof" and gets its companion manual, "The Love Dare." You will earn a lot about your husband.
Good luck to you and yours.
First of all I just looked at your profile picture (I've been doing that lately) and you are a beautiful woman! But I'm also about 20 pounds overweight so I know how you feel.
It's so easy to get into a rut...marriage, kids, job, home, family, friends. It all takes time and energy and often times the marriage ends up becoming low priority.
I think one of the BEST things you can do is to schedule a regular date night, at least twice a month.
Go out and do something FUN. Get dressed up, do your hair, put on makeup and heels. Mom clothes are frumpy, since we spend most of our time dressed that way is it any wonder WE get to feeling frumpy?
If you haven't been shopping lately, go. I know it's challenging to find things that fit, but when you do it is a huge ego booster. I have a pair of black slacks and a short black skirt that are so flattering, I wear them over and over with a few different tops and shoes.
My husband and I have been together for almost twenty years and we have been through our ups and downs. We both agree that spending quality time together has helped us stay connected.
Today he emailed me and asked if I wanted to go to the SF Giants game with him tomorrow night, of course I said yes, I felt like I had been asked on a date (and I guess I had!)
If money is tight, dating can also include doing fun outdoorsy things, like picnics, bike rides, etc. or good old fashioned cheap fun, like an afternoon movie, or beer and bowling :)
I truly believe the happiest couples are the ones who make an effort to have fun together, both with AND without the kids!
You have some other great suggestions already. I also wanted to chime in and suggest that you go see your doctor. Have a complete physical done. The reason I suggest this is that I was having some similar issues - I had gained a little (about 20 lbs) and just couldn't seem to lose it, had no interest in intimacy, was irritable all the time, and felt depressed. I also felt like I had hardly any energy. Well, come to find out that I had a huge thyroid problem! My doctor put me on medication to correct this issue, and although it will take 2-3 months to get back to normal, even after a few weeks I'm starting to feel a lot better. A LOT better. I believe it's worth ruling out any physical issues that may exist, just to be sure you are giving yourself the best shot at happiness!
I COMPLETELY understand. My suggestion: 1) Physical activity has a great impact on emotional well being. Take a quick walk, stretch, ANYTHING. 2) Start small. Sit closer to him on the couch. Hold his hand. Let him touch your knew without pulling away. Write it you want to write, but dont make a novel. Write I love you and stick it in his wallet. Not ready for the L word? Then write Good luck on your presentation etc. Text him while at lunch. Again, nothing big. But an I miss you or something could change both your days. Dont let all of your conversations be laundry lists. Eat a meal without kids, even if it is at 8:30 at night. Marriage and marriage with kids are very different. You chose eachother for a reason, now you have to find it again. GOOD LUCK
You should watch "Say yes to the dress" where a lot of super fat brides try on these strapless dresses and LOVE themselves and can't get over how SEXY they look when all I see is rolls of fat over the top. That goes to show it is all in the attitude. My college roommate would not make you look twice when you saw a photo of her but all the guys FLOCKED to her, she had the sass and the verbal come backs and she just loved herself and all the attention. Haven't you ever felt the same sometimes that you feel attracted to a guy because of his outgoing, quick-witted personality, and don't even think about how he physically looks?
So stop thinking about the extra 20 pounds, and think about how you would live your life if you knew you only had a week left to live.
If I were you I would start taking a 30 minute walk every day, and you don't have to be overtly sexual, but just give him a hug, or iron his shirt if he hates to do that, or pack a nice lunch for him, whatever you think he will appreciate. Waking up and pretending you are happy with a cheerful "good morning" actually has proven to make your day better (although it irritates me some days since my husband is this super positive upbeat guy and sometimes I just WANT to sulk).
I hope some answers here help, but if not, then seek some professional help. You could just be clinically depressed and then all the "happy thoughts" will not help, but there are things that do work so don't give up hope. (((((hugs)))))
absolutly am there too and you will inspire me to take this journey together. Have you heard of the Fireproof book.........little things daily to do for your hubby. I love and ditto all that Kaycee note....... great ideas
:-) I wish you all the best and hope you get some inspiring answers.
I was friends with a couple who was to be divorced and made it clear no one was to talk to them about it. They were living together until he deployed again. We never said a word about divorce, but I reminded her all the great things about her husband when I could slip it in naturally. My husband did the same. "I can't believe he cooked again for you. I wish my hubby would cook." "Wow, your wife sure works out and fixes herself us for you every day. I also asked each of them point blank who they were wanting or missing. Since neither was involved, I asked them what they were looking for. We got them thinking about it and they are still together 4 years later and happy now.
After my son died I was understandably unhappy and sad to say the least. One thing I learned from my experience is that happiness is a choice. Although my son died, I was still blessed to have him and I would not take away having him for those 17 days despite all the pain and turmoil of loosing him. I also was blessed with a beautiful daughter, a loving and supportive husband, extended family and friends. Every day, I woke up I put a smile on my face and did my best to act happy. Eventually, 7 months after my son's death I actually had 1 good day where I was genuinely happy for that day. Slowly, over time I had more and more happy days. Now 9 years after my son's death I would consider myself a happy person.
I think it is great that you made the commitment to change. IMO that is more than half the battle. I would suggest to you that you start "dating" your husband again to reconnect. It sounds like you really need to do something fun together.
first, i would start doing date nights. one a week if you can. do something fun where you can laugh and enjoy yourself. S., happiness is a choice. it's your attitude and no one can change that but yourself. i suppose there is therapy and drugs, but to me it's completely in your mind. set your expectations lower, maybe? somehow you have to learn to really appreciate what you have (paying lip service doesn't count, if you're not satisfied, you're not appreciative) life isn't all wine and roses. you say yourself you have a great family, kids, love your job. most likely you are feeling unfulfilled somewhere...identify it and change it. but in the end, none of us can help you in a little paragraph. you probably should talk to someone more qualified, over long term. good luck.
Great suggestions so far. It sounds like you are focusing a lot on this 20 lbs., and he is focusing on the fact that you are unhappy all the time. I guess the weight doesn't bother him as much as it does you.
Try using some of the mamas suggestions to start becoming happy, and it will be easier to begin losing the weight.
I love what other people have said and wanted to add one more thing. It's very possible that all of your negative feelings about your body and the general stresses of life have taken a toll on your hormones and internal chemicals and that's why you're apathetic and a bit depressed-unhappy. You might try reading The Mood Cure. It's a great book about how eating certain foods and taking vitamins and supplements can help bring back the emotional stability and happiness we had when we were younger. the authors arent selling anything... It's full of questionnaires about how youre feeling and suggestions to fix moods.
HB, I have not been in your shoes, so I do not have any advice, but I just wanted to say, that since you are ready and willing to change things around, that is probably your biggest challenge there. Just wanted to send you a hug and tell you I hope you get everything you want. I'm sure if you will talk to your husband and look deep into his eyes, he will come around. Good luck to you.
Lots of great advice already....here's my 2 cents. Don't talk to him about it or even write a letter...just show him! I think guys appreciate that more. That way they don't feel "burdened" by it...they can just appreciate your actions. I know that when I "explain" stuff about change to my husband, he tries to "help" by being "encouraging" and sometimes it backfires. :)
Also, I would focus on getting yourself back to the happy person you once were. I know my hubby loves it when I'm in a good mood and being teasing/flirty. It helps us "reconnect" and in return, his attitude toward me is better. When we're connecting like that, the other issues (like weight, too much responsiblity, kids, etc) don't seem to matter as much. The whole "fake it til you make it" rule really does apply.
