Homesteading as a Couch Potato's Midlife Crisis?

What I would do is see what his plans are. There is NO reason to go in 100% right off the start. He can start making small changes and becoming self sufficient in the place he is now.

I have a friend who has less than $100 per month in utilities. She is becoming self sustaining. Her family works and puts money in the bank each month and they spend money to fix things that prohibit them from reaching their goals. Such as putting solar panels on the top of the house and adding a windmill on their property. They research and make long term plans that fit together so one day they can both stop working.

So you need to have a plan. When he has money in the bank and is able to pay his bills without touching his salary then he may not need to work anymore but until that time he has to bring in an income that supports his family.

Oh goodness, I don't know what to say about immature males either, other than this is yet another incentive for me to make sure I don't enable my sons.

If I were you I'd give him some assignments. "Honey, if you're serious about this can you type up a comprehensive budget on a spreadsheet? We really need to know what it will cost to buy and insure a homestead property, give up your job/benefits, change schools, etc." He needs to go out and look at properties, etc. Call up realtors. Actually take over running your garden. Can he learn to can veggies?

I say all this because my guess is that he will burn out of the project long before you ever actually make a move toward homesteading. But seriously - put ALL the onus on him.

The only gamble is if he actually follows through - then what? But you'll be able to tell if he's serious pretty soon. You still have veto power.

I would be upset with the way he spends his evenings more than the homesteading thing. He seems pretty detached from the family.

As far as the homesteading thing, he is going to HAVE to try it out first. Do some research and find a family he can live with, and work for, for at least a week. I have a feeling that, with his current habits, he will expect you to do all the work!

I think he is seriously underestimating the amount of work that goes into homesteading.

I grew up on a small family farm. We weren't anywhere NEAR homesteading level, and everyone in the family (we are talking 6 kids here...) doing at least a couple of hours worth of chores daily. During harvest/canning season, we are talking come home from school, and get straight to work until dinner and bed. (Same for planting/breeding seasons...)

THe problem is that you are also tied to the farm... Want to take a vacation? Here's hoping you have some REALLY good friends, or enough money to pay someone to take care of the animals and property. (But wait, you're homesteading so chances are you don't have much of an expendable income...) Get sick? Suck it up buttercup- your animals depend on you, and they HAVE to be taken care of. Let's just hope the seasons and the weather cooperate... Nothing is quite so rewarding as watching all of your crops die during a freak Julyblizzard. (Yes, this actually happened to us one year. Lol.)

I think homesteading is an admirable lifestyle... But it isn't for the faint of heart. It is sweat, blood, and tears.

Maybe let him test-drive homesteading... Plant a decent-sized garden in the back yard.... At least enough to meet your family's veggie needs. At will give him an extremely mild taste. If he can't keep it up while working his regular job, there is no way he could handle homesteading.

I would probably start laughing at him if he was my husband and say "right and I want to buy a yacht and sail the seven seas. Guess we both aren't going to get what we want".

Your husband needs to get off of youtube, engage with his family and become an adult. Sometimes the good of the family outweighs the whims of one.

So what you are saying is that your husband, who won't even help take care of putting his own children to bed, wants to support your lifestyle by spending all of his waking hours working the land and hunting?

How's your sex life? Because my husband wouldn't be getting anything if he acted like this. During the few days in his life he's been without a paying job, he's been home taking care of the house and giving me a break with the kids. He also does this the rest of the time. Ignoring the children is not an option.

Talk to him about your fears. He may need a change, but he also needs to act and be treated like an adult. By allowing this behavior, you are treating him a like a child who can't be responsible.

Wow, I'm sorry.

I still don't have any good remedies for immature males; it is very hard to make an immature male see reason.

No, based on the tiny amount you wrote, it would be an extremely bad idea to give up your life for this flight of fancy. You have pegged your husband correctly.

It is understandable if he dislikes his current job, but since he chose to make kids and have a family, the change he makes needs to be something realistic. One's time for flighty endeavors ends when one has kids. I would have like to have joined the Peace Corps, but those darn kids prevented me.

The only advice I have is to talk to him, and be sure to strongly mirror his feelings about his current job. "I know you hate/dislike/don't enjoy your job. It must be terrible to have to go there every day. I don't want you to have to live a life doing something you hate."

"But sweetheart, you have many wonderful qualities, however I'm not sure that homesteading is realistically one of them. I would love to be able to try it out, but I don't think we can financially afford such a risk. (Or can you?) Is there any other, less extreme way you can make a change?"

And then LOTS of listening, and more mirroring. "Your job sucks. I'm sorry."

Good luck! And good advice from Amy J.

If he's burnt out on a 9 to 5 then he will not last homesteading. Sorry but it is a dawn to dusk, 24/7 job. There are no holidays', sick days, etc..You also need hunting/gardening skills and sometimes those take time to develop. It's not easy to hit a moving target, doesn't matter if you use a gun, bow or crossbow and trapping is cruel and should only be used in an emergency.

I am not against homesteading at all. I think you could all learn some valuable skills. But, he should consider learning more about it before jumping in with a family. Most homesteaders start out before they have children or are born into it.

I would also be concerned starting this in CA (not sure what part you're in) with the extreme droughts going on. You will not have much of anything without water.

I agree 100% with Jackie's comment. No way could he handle homesteading lifestyle. I grew up on a farm, it's hard, my dad had to get out of it because it's such an unstable market. It can break you so quick, then it can turn around just as fast but you are broke and out of it.
Tell him he needs to be taking care of his family, there is no time for internet in homesteading, just work, work, work, and he's showing he can't do that.

So YOUR job is about to get harder and he wants to abandon ship? Really?

So you do all the work with the kids, are about to add another person to take care of, but your concerned about his "feelings" and "resentment"?

What an unbalanced marriage. I think I would start with a marital counselor today with this issue.

You must be exhausted.

ETA: Does he want this 3rd child?
This is not the time for a career change. You need a husband and your children need a father.....he needs to participate in this family.
If he does not hear you calmly say this to him, I be saying it again in marital therapy. I don't think any of this is about his midlife crisis.

Tell him to stop watching shows about it and practice his homestead skills now so that sometime in the future he'll be ready to disconnect. Does he hunt and fish already? If he doesn't then that would be his first step at gathering skills. He can help garden and can things too.

I've watched the Alaska shows too and have zero desire to homestead at any time in my life. ZERO.

I'm not going to comment on homesteading because I know nothing about it, but it seems a guy who just watches youtube at home is probably not a good candidate.

Regarding hubs midlife crisis....My dh has a very stressful job. It is also very lucrative and allows for a ton of flexibility for him (ie hunting during the week, going to the archery range midweek, etc etc). Every few months he has a mini-meltdown about it. I calmly list out what we would need to do for him to make a job change and tell him I am supportive as long as he knows what sacrifices have to be made and is willing to make them. That usually nips it in the bud, lol. I do let him have mini-crises however. One is the 4x4 redneck behemoth in my driveway, I figured it was a small price to pay for his happiness and our current way of life.

Sit down with him and really spell out what it would mean for the family, and emphasize what changes would impact him personally. Marie C gives wonderful examples. Chances are when he fully realizes the commitment level he'll go back to youtube.

It sounds like he's living a pretty sad life. Why does he avoid his kids and family? I'd be depressed too if I spent my evenings on YouTube, alone in my room and in front of the TV.

Maybe he needs to engage with his kids, get a fun hobby and spend more time connecting with his family as a whole. I'm not even sure what homesteading really would be like but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't involve much TV or Youtube. How about you recommend he grow up and act like a man instead of fantasizing about what he thinks being a man is like? Who exactly are his "heroes" anyway?

Go all the way back and read the first reply, from Michelle:

"I would be upset with the way he spends his evenings more than the homesteading thing. He seems pretty detached from the family."

He seems VERY detached from the family. You prepare his meal and announce it; you spend the evening with the children you both had; you put them to bed; you're pregnant too? He should long since have been helping cook; calling YOU to dinner at least on weekends; putting HIS kids to bed at least some nights; and taking more of an interest in your pregnancy than he is by retreating into YouTube every single day.

Please go get couples counseling now. Can you see that the issue isn't this juvenile pipe dream? It's the juvenile who's having the pipe dream.

If he is not engaging at all with his kids daily and leaving his pregnant wife to make his dinner, and serve it while he lives online -- he needs help that you can't give him. Frankly I'd be concerned that he's scared to death of the adult responsibilities that will only increase with baby number three and he's withdrawing. I have seen this with two other families. In both cases it did not end well and the dads took off to "find themselves" because they could not cope with being grown-ups. While that may not happen with you, do you really want to continue to do every single thing for your kids? How will he cope when there's a newborn -- will he be helping out and being a father, or continue to leave it all to you?

Counseling, pronto, before you are parents of three.