Ladies I Need Some Advice!

I'd suggest reading:
The Five Love Languages,
The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage,
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

I'd level with your husband and be as absolutely BLUNT, honest, and personally responsible as possible about where you are and what concerns you about your marriage. Choose to tell the overall ultimate truth and not just the circumstancial truth. For instance, he's a good guy otherwise you wouldn't have chosen him. Write down the things you love, admire, enjoy, appreciate about him. Get rid of the computer if it's causing a problem. You both made vows not to forsake each other, that means by allow any ONE or THING come before your spouse.

PRAY.

Dear RH,

Sounds like you have an issue that needs to be addressed. I have been down this raod with my husband as well. It sounds like your husband is sexually frustrated. When a man is the sole provider, he has a lot of pressure to keep all the balls in the air all the time. This is not to say that your role in the home is any less important, but he is not looking at that. There are two things that are high on a man's priority list: sex and food. I can understand that he too needs to feel satisfied and important. It is offen a difficult juggling act to balance the kids, house, laundry, meals, shopping, friends, etc. But it seems like he is wanting the you that he courted, fell in love with and married. The bottom line is life can get in the way of our relationships if we are not careful. My suggestion is that you go to the "sexy store" and get something new and special, get a babysitter and don't take "no" for an answer. Face it, sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. I think you should have sex everyday he is home, and do the little things that you used to do that made him feel special, like you used to do when you guys were dating. When a man has his primal desires satisfied he is more willing to take on the world. And when you are having more engaging, fun sex I'll bet the video games will be less important.

Good Luck!

I am a stay at home mom, and I totally know how hard that can be--sometimes I wish I was the one going to work while DH stayed home. :-) However, I know he deals with a lot at work as well. Here is what I do to help him know he is loved and appreciated--or what I try to do--I am not always sucessful.

I work really hard at keeping the house clean and having dinner planned and ready when he comes home. That way he comes home to a calm, relaxed environment where he can change clothes, shower, and play with our DD while I finish up with dinner. Also, I limit my evening activities to a once a month bookclub, and once a week tutoring (I tutor 3-5 hours one afternoon a week for some extra money). The rest of the time, I try to spend my evenings with him. Also, I try to give him the freedom to do things with his friends--go to happy hour, hang out with someone, play racquetball, etc... when he desires to do so. I do have more freedom to do fun things--especially during the day with other SAH moms. But I try to limit those activities to when he is at work and also do a good job keeping up with laundry, dishes, housework, etc...

It sounds like your hubby needs to feel appreciated. I know mine starts feeling that way when I have too much fun, and am not spending enough time on house stuff during the day, or make too many evening social plans (either for myself or for the family) in the evenings or on the weekends. Then he feels like he has to do both (work and home stuff)--and gets frustrated and/or resentful. I also make sure I express verbally how much I appreciate him, and how I know that he has a tough job, and does a really good job, etc... Also, I make sure that if he is in the mood, I work on getting in the mood rather than telling him, "Not tonight." as another way of demonstrating my appreciation.

It is such a blessing to be able to stay home with my kiddo--I try to make sure I do what I can to take care of him so he knows I appreciate the care he takes of us as well.

Good luck. Marriage is so important, it is totally worth working on. And while you can't control him, you as a SAHM, can almost totally control the home environment, which can make a huge difference. Your choices and attitudes have an enormous impact on the whole families attitudes and moods and environment. Take care.

RH,
Unfortunately what you have given us is a little vague. You don't say if he is argueing with you about this or if he is even really communicating these feelings or just acting like he's not appreciated. But it really doesn't matter. Most men are not great at communication but if he is acting or saying he feels as if no one in the world appreciates him then that is probably how he feels. Granted most men also do not know what most stay at home mom's goes through in a day but you have to go by what he is seeing and to him your life looks way more fun than his and he may also be feeling a little jealous. He wants some of the fun, and he probably wants you to show & say more how much you appreciate all his hard work so you can be a stay at home mom. Basically if you want to help your marriage then you really need to start acting as though you are both just dating. Start cutting back on ladies night, instead have date night with hubby. Tell him everyday you love him and tell him everyday what a great husband and father he is for working so hard so you can stay home and raise your children right. I know this next comment is a little personal but also you need to show him more appreciation, if you are only having sex 4 times a week then start having sex 5 times a week. If he comes home in the afternoon for lunch, then give him a extra dessert before he has to go back. If you know what I mean. Recently I was invited to a wedding, I work with them both so before the wedding I was being asked mainly be the groom how my marriage has lasted so long (23 years so far)and how we are staying so happy. I would tell him it's because my husband and I have maybe had 8 arguements our entire marriage, but the biggest reason is because we are not just husband and wife we are still boyfriend and girlfriend. And we constantly tell each our how much we love each other and how we can't see living without the other and actually we sometimes get down right disgusting as our kids put it be cause we act like teenagers, as in I love you, i love you more, no I love you more and so on. Then for a present I gave him a poem that both me and my husband both think is really accurate and hopefully it will help you to. Its called ...

The Art Of A Good Marriage
Wilferd Arlan Peterson
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.
In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end
with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,
but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow old.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,
dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
Good Luck
And Happy Dating
E.

RH,

Your husband sounds very angry. I have no commentary about whether he has the right to be angry or not, because that is really besides the point. The fact is that if you want your marriage to survive, you are both going to have to put some work into it. Since you are the one expressing concern, I suggest that you be the one to start. I know, it's not fair! However, you can have fair, or you can try to improve your marriage. Is your husband willing to talk to you? Have you tried to listen, not defensively looking for the things that aren't true or trying to rationalize his feelings, just to listen to what he says and repeat back, "You feel ---." Can you both talk about what you need, in terms of time, and then try to make a schedule? Can you compromise on the TV/video game. For instance, my husband used to veg in front of the TV all night, then drop into bed and complain about how exhausted he was because all he did was work. I asked him how much time he needed to unwind after work, and he said 1/2 hour. So we agreed that he could do whatever he wanted fo 1/2 hour after work without being bothered and then he would join the family and be engaged with us. Is it totally fair? Not really. I want to take 1/2 hour off everyday, but I don't get it. I could be angry about the unfairness. Instead, I don't have to nag him anymore, the kids and I both get more of his focused attention, and he feels better about plugging into his family because it is his choice and not his wife's direction.

I would recommend that you find someone to talk to (someone helpful, not a girlfriend who will agree what a jerk he is being). Find a book about improving your marriage when your partner isn't necessarily willing. Then start making changes on your own end. When you can, talk to your husband. LISTEN to what he is saying, how he is feeling. Realize that there is probably some validity in his side of the story. DO NOT get angry or defensive or try to prove to him why you are more wronged than he is. Remember, you are out to save your marriage, not win an arguement. The truth is that there is almost always a way to turn a relationship around, but the only actions that you have any control over are your own.

Best of luck,
S.

Tread carefully here. . . men can always find SOMEONE who appreciates them if they feel like you don't. Let him know on a daily basis how much he means to you. Offer him an opportunity to go fishing (or golfing, or boating or whatever) with the boys for a long weekend. Also, if the problem is just that he thinks you have it easy staying at home, I suggest that he take a week off of work, you make reservations to go visit your friend in San Diego (or wherever) and he can take care of the house and the boys for a week. Problem solved.

First of all, I want to recognize you're strength by being concerned about HIS needs ... many women in your position would complain more about he is not recognizing all the work you do as a SAHM, especially when he is out of town so much and you have to take care of everything at home, including child care for you to get out. So congratulations on taking the high ground. I think that will make a big difference in the outcome.
Now, it sounds like he may be having some kind of 'midlife' crisis, or like he is struggling in some way. It sounds like he is feeling disconnected with his family; I would guess that he is also suffering from depression (that is how guys tend to deal with it - withdrawal, anger, and 'rebeling' by participating in unsavory activities). I would suggest couples counseling; look for something that focuses on communication skills. He may also benefit from individual counseling to determine treatment for any depression he may have (it's not necessarily meds so don't worry about that).
Tell him frequently how much you love him. Thank him often for being willing to work such a hard schedule to let your kids have their mommy home with them. Recognize the good things he does, no matter how small. Tell the kids within his hearing that they are lucky they are for having him as a dad. Praise in public, criticize in private (but avoid criticizing in general, and sandwich it between 2 praises if you must criticize).
Plan with him an evening out. Go to a movie, go dancing, go miniature golfing, whatever you used to enjoy doing together before you were married. Include him in the plans so he doesn't feel like you are just pulling away from his game. Talk about anything. Laugh together, be kids together again. Show him how much you enjoy being with him. And be patient with him - he's built a strong habit and that's going to be hard to break. Just be there for him as much as you can.
Good luck! You've got a road ahead of you, but, like I said, you're attitude can make it so much easier!
Keep us posted on the progress :)

I know it can be really frustrating at times, but go back to why you married him in the first place - remember the place and the feelings from when things all started between you. Sometimes, taking a moment to do that, helps to give you the focus and energy to work a little harder, and reevaluate things. I also highly recommend "The 5 Love Languages" and "Love & Respect" - both are great resources! Respect is huge for a man, just as much as love is for women. And you may be doing all you can to show him that you love him, but if you're not "speaking his language" he may not be able to even hear it. Hang in there!! Someday, you'll be able to help another woman going through the same thing!

My husband had those same issues about four years ago. And I too did not understand, and started thinking the "D" word. then a friend told me to read a book called "The Five Love Languages" By Gary Chapman. it also sounds as though he's having a bad time at work, This was also my husbands problem, my husband made a career change to help, but it might not go that far for you guys. I suggest that you and your husband take a long drive alone or a weekend away, And talk things through, Ask him how you can help. Good Luck. And remember It's the wives primary job to keep the people in her family happy and content.

there has been a lot of good advice given but the one thing I think which is important is to enjoy doing things together. In my opinion, the more activities you do separately, the less you will have in common and you both may be subliminally grained that to have "fun" you have to be doing something away from each other. Don't get me wrong, we all need time away but I feel that a lot of the modern relationships have become more of a polite living together with out the warmth of a true friendship. My husband is my best friend. When my oldest daughter was a baby, I can remember being crushed because my husband wouldn't set his beer down when we were making love. I was in tears later but now we joke about it. Injecting humor into tense situations can help. There has been times when I'm frustrated with the tv, computer, Etc. but I have combated this by reading when he is talking to me. He hates this but knows I will only do it if I feel that he has been obsessed with watching youtube or tv. Just keep in mind that marriages have phases and hopefully you can bear with him during this childish phase.

Hi RH,

sounds like you two might need to reconnect. How about a date night or weekend. Just the two of you. Pretend like you are dating again.

To get him to come upstairs for some "couple time" try offering him a back rub or a bubble bath or shower together. I know my husband woundn't refuse either offer.

I know you may not feel like it but do some little things that you know would make him feel really appriciated. Make his favorite food, put a note in his briefcase or suitcase, be creative and have fun! I'm not a relationship expert by any means but I know men are pretty simple creatures and just a little extra TLC just might break him out of his funk! Hope this helps! God Bless you and your family!!

Hi R.H.
I have been reading a lot of the great advice others have given you. It sounds like there is a lot of pain in both of you. My husband and I have been married 10 years and we have started to hit some snags this year with bent up emotions. I don't know if you are interested but someone turned me on to a conference called "Weekend to remember", a marriage enrichment conference. I saw you live in CO, I am in FC.Check it out and see if your husband wants to fight for your marriage as much as you. We heard a lot of testimonies of marriages in trouble and they were saved. I just wanted to give you this to do as you wish. I ditto a lot of the advice. You can see the conference on the internet. Feel free to let me know what you think, and what he thinks. My husband is excited to go and help us both fine tune our marriage. I will pray for God to give you both peace and hope for your marriage.
M.

It sounds like in his search to find pleasure he is taking it whenever, wherever and however he can no matter who it hurts or who is left out. We can be very selfish when we are trying to fill voids, I should know, I still have voids to fill and find myself doing selfish things. Perhaps you two could go to counseling together. You two need more time together and with the family as a whole. Does he even care about your marriage? It doesn't sound like it, but before you give up talk to him about how you feel and how he feels. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a really good book that I found on CD at the library. After listening to the CD I came away with a better idea of how guys think and how different we are, but how much we can balance each other out if we try.

Good Luck!

Hard to say, not knowing what he was like previously. Is this really new behavior is it the same old just becoming less tollerable? Have you tried sitting down with him in a non threatening way and saying - I'm concerned, what's going on? How is his work going? Sounds like he's very invested in his job, if there is trouble brewing there it could really upset his apple cart. The focus on the video game is not just a retreat from you. In the game he is a warrior, faces the foe(s)and gets immediate feedback - you either die or get points,ammo,health and increased hero status. It is a retreat from a world where you have little control and the rewards are often far less immediate or obvious.
When he does show any interest is he able to perform sexually? Are your finances open? Or does he control the money? Do you know what he makes and where it goes?

First things first, schedule him for a FULL physical exam next time hs's in town. Talk to the Dr, tell them you are concerned that he may be depressed, tell them what is going on - there may be physiological causes contributing to his behavior. Traveling that much is a stress.
In the meantime, get a hold of some of John Grey's Mars and Venus books to learn more about communicating with a man and read some Regina Thomashauer to learn more about keeping fun and pleasure in your lives. Along with that bit of homework consider getting into counseling, start on yourself. You can't "fix" him. Your problem is that you can't live with his behavior, the only person you can do anything about is you.
Triathalons are hard work and immpressive. Why are you into this? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it but I've seen a number of people get into hardcore physical activity as an escape or to prove a point more than anything else. It is a considerable level above physical fitness and health.Is your level of training an escape - just as Conan is for your hubby?
Can or does he define what "apprieciation" means to him? What is it that he thinks he wants and isn't getting? I'm in the process of divorcing a narcissist and this withdrawl -control -especially of money - and desire for "appreciation" have been a big part of this. Counseling will help you determine what you want and how to cope.
I wish you all the best but all the good wishes in the world won't do as much as you digging in and doing the hard (emotionally) work to find out what is going on with both of you.

You've got to be very careful if you don't want this to turn into a you vs him thing. It is very hard to worry less about your own issues and see past that to the hurts of the one you love. If it were me, I would find some time (away from kids and distraction) where you can have a good conversation with him. Start with the idea that you recognize that he's not happy and your relationship is struggling and see if you can't create a feeling of "how can we work together to make this better?" Maybe counselling? Maybe it will just be a re-committment to each other to work harder at your relationship. Maybe you'll be able to find out what in his life is making him feel this way. Sounds like he is stuck in a rut and is feeling sorry for himself, but that's no fun place to be. Don't get defensive or overly hurt, even if he's on the attack. Just listen and see if you can't hear what is really behind it all.

Does your husband get a guy's night or golf day? If not, why? Is he not interested? Too tired after work? Feels guilty for not being at home? Does he resent your lifestyle? Where are the kids while you are living it up? If your husband is resentful, does he have the right to be? Maybe your husband needs to take some "me" time for himself, maybe your need a little less "me" time, and maybe you both need some date nights.

After reading your additional info, it sounds like maybe you could benefit from some marriage counseling, in order to find out what you both want and need, and are not getting out of the relationship. It may sound drastic, but is there any way he could take a job with less traveling? It sounds like you are so used to living without each other, you don't know how to live with each other any more.

Wow, after reading the rest of your story I feel just terribly for you! I'm sorry to say it but your husband sounds like a total jerk. What was he like when you first met him? Maybe it would be good for you and he to try to re-connect together instead of having what sounds like mostly separate lives (I am not blaming you at all for that). It is great that you try to have family time on weekends, but how about getting a babysitter and having couples time instead? Since he is away so much, try leaving him love notes in his luggage and calling to tell him how much you miss him, maybe he thinks that you and your children are happier when he is away. Good luck to you, I hope that you can work things out.

It sounds like he might be a little envious of you being home with the children. My suggestion to you is to make him feel like he is needed and show how important he is to you and your children. If it is just doing something special for him like candlelite dinner after the kids go to bed. Arrange for him to have a "guilt free" night out with the guys that you have arranged for him. I know that with my husband he had great time on his guilt free night first they went golfing then they all went and played poker at one of the other guys house. Please know that as much as we as mom's need to have our nights out with the girls the guys need it to but they need to know that we are okay with it so arrange it for him.

Oh and don't forget both you and your husband need to have those date nights. Get a sitter and make reservations somewhere. Just because you are married with kids does not mean the courting has to stop. That goes both ways. It is always the little unexpected things you do for your husband that keep the spark in your relationship. Just remember back before you had kids and before you were married you propbably did a lot of little things. Just because you have kids and are married doesn't mean that has to stop. Good luck to you,
S.

I like what Deanna had to say. I ditto her response.

I think sometimes some men don't realize what hard work being a stay at home mom is. I was blessesd in that for the 1st 3 yrs my husband stayed at home while I worked. Now our roles are reversed and we can understand what each other is going through. Maybe he needs a day in your shoes. But with him it seems like there are more issues. Mid life crisis quite possibly. Hopefully he can be reasonable soon. I'm so sorry you are going through that.

the only thing I might add is have you read the 5 love languages? if he isn't feeling appreciated, perhaps his love language isn't being spoken to him in a way he receives it as such...other than that good for you in reaching out and working to take care of yourself. another good book if you like reading is how to hug a porccupine. (sp??) anyway it helps when you have a toxic person to deal with for whatever reason they are being toxic--gives you the power to take the actions you can and release the rest. would he consider counseling? would you? we can all tell you what has helped us be we aren't trained professionals, just you know sharing our lives, which helps but someone trained to help you work through what is going on can do wonders if you get a counselor you can connect with. I've had good and not so good ones so I know that havig one who has not just the training but the right personality for you to work with is really important. Hugs.

Hi,

I have been reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr Gary Chapman. OH MY GOSH!!!! This is so helpful in my marriage. We all receive love in different ways and need to learn our spouse's love language. For example my husband's is quality time and mine is physicl touch. The time thing we have down pretty good but not so much the touch but after I explained it to him last week I can see him trying to make a change.

I would strongly recommend that you read this and give it a try. He might need words of affirmation, or quality time, physical touch, gifts or I went blank on the last one sorry.

God bless,

J.

It sounds like he wants to pick a fight. I think every one of us will tell you our marriages have problems, but your husband seems to feel like it's your fault, not his. I hate to say this, but could he be having an affair? If he finds fault with you all the time, he may be trying to justify to himself that you deserve to be cheated on. There is really nothing you could do to make it better, because he wants it to be your fault. Please take immediate steps to protect yourself while you decide if you want to investigate this possibility. I hope I'm way off base here, but this is just something I experienced in my first marriage.

I don't have time to read all your responses, so I'm not sure if I'm repeating, but I do know it's important to have date night at least every other week, or every week if you can manage it. I suggest telling him it's Daddy-kid night when you have your night out. Maybe see that you both get 1 night out alone per week (or whatever time frame you agree to). I think it's good for him to know how much you appreciate all that he does too. Ask him what he would be willing to help you out around the house -- daily and weekly.

Best wishes, D.

R. H.,

Let him stay at home and handle your lested and ennumerated responsibilities for a week while you go to the Bahamas (or do something else less extravagant that takes you out of the house for a few days)! He might discover that, indeed, you have a bed of roses (both petals and thorns), and be very happy to return to work after that.

On the positive angle, do express appreciation for the positive things that he does. You might want to check out Dr. Laura's book on "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," too.

My husband is going thru the exact same thing. He works nights and then plays World of Warcraft all the time. My advice is help him find someone he can talk to. A counselor. A religious person at your place or worship. A close friend. Even you! Try and get him to tell you how he feels. Tell him how you feel, especially about the game. I know how that can be. Believe me. Talk to him at a low stress time when you can talk about feelings without getting upset or defensive. But he might be going thru some depression. My husband is. A professional might be your best option. Men don't like to do that, but you might have to insist on it to help your family. You don't have to do it together. I can also recommend a program at my church. It's a 12 step program, but it's not just for people with alcohol or drug addictions. It's a life and spiritual journey class, mostly. It can help with any and all issues, no matter how big or small. It's a really great program. The next session starts in October. Tuesday nights, 7 pm. At the Rock of Southwest in Littleton. Anyway, I really know how you feel. I hope you guys can work thru it and become a stronger couple for it.

My suggestion is to play up BIG TIME how much you appreciate all that he does to make it so that you can have such a wonderful life. When he comes home treat him like a king...like you've not seen him for eons with a warm welcome.

I would also try to decrease, if this might be any issue, any activities that occur during the time that you two could spend together so that you can focus on him.

All in all, tell him you appreciate what he does and how he's willing to sacrifice having fun to support your family. So many males these days put their desires in front of their responsibility to support their family. You have a real MAN and knight in shining armour who puts slaying dragons first and you're a very lucky woman! :)

I think that might do nicely. You can also check out the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. She probably has other great gems you could use to help him feel like his efforts are appreciated and necessary. :)

Best wishes!

There is always someone who will "appreciate" your husband if you won't. In other words, take the time now to be available to your husband, be his friend, is confidant, his lover. Tell him and show him how much you appreciate is hard work, his talents, his ability to provide you with a great lifestyle. Suggest ways in which you can spend time together and be supportive of his ability to provide for your family so you can be a SAHM. Lots of marriages go through times of distance - you can be the catalyst in your marriage and turn it around. Its amazing what happens when you truly see and appreciate all the great things your husband is to you.
Its definately not too late if you want your marriage to be different.
There are also some great marriage classes - my friend teaches a class on how to have a connected, fun, loving, honest, accountable and passionate marriage -- if your interested, just email me for the details. I love to go away for an overnight stay at a hotel with just my husband and that helps us to feel like a couple again before heading back to the kids and our busy lives.
Have a beautiful day and congratulate yourself for seeing that your husband is wanting more from you and for you being willing to reach out to him and give him what he is seeking.

First of all, is there any truth to what he says? If he needs a night out and isn't getting it, it would be pretty easy to arrange one. Perhaps he needs more time with you. A date night once a week might help. If his complaints are not valid, I would suggest a little counseling with a church leader or even a therapist.

First of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through! Men can be so difficult to live with, but again harder to live without! :)
My advice is to get the book "The 5 Love Languages" written by Dr. Gary Chapman, and if possible read it together. If not, read it by yourself then have him read it when he can. If he is not feeling appreciated it may be because you are showing love in the areas that you FEEL loved, but not necessarily in the way that HE feels it. The book talks about the 5 different ways people feel loved and appreciation would be a part of that. From what you are saying (Which i could be completely wrong since i don't have tons of details) i think your husband might be part of the "words of affirmation" group. -my husband is in that one too and the only way he really feels loved is for me to verbally say how much I love and appreciate everything he does on a consistant basis. Even little things he does saying "thank you for doing that, that really means a lot to me" or something to that affect.
Anyway i'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but i strongly suggest to every married couple read The 5 Love Languages because it can help EVERYONE to understand themselves better as well as their partners. :)

There's a great book called "For Women Only" that explains in very practical terms what "makes men tick". It talks about how men are wired,what things are truly important to them and make them feel valued and fulfilled. It's also a very easy, fun read. I highly recommend it for any woman, but particularly if you are looking for ways to truly show love and support to your husband.

Have you thought about counselling?
I can say so many men "mentally check out" with video games.
Challenge him to participate as a family doing something fun with the kids and yourself. Challenge him to give up his video games for a whole month.
He may not feel appreciated at his job, then he needs to fix that.
He may not feel appreciated enough at home, then he needs to fix that.
One thing that doomed our marriage is my ex would complain not try to resolve. He was complaining and criticizing everyone and everything. He too went to his video games and cellphone games rather then really be there with the family.
No amount of thank yous or anything nice in gesture was enough.
I grew distant and just kind of focused on the kids, we stopped having sex, he pouted and complained about that, it was all about him all the time and I was just so done with it.
I tried talking to him about how everyone needs a pat on the back but it works both ways. I told him I certainly wasn't in the mood to have sex with a man that put me down, complained all the time or refused to be part of the family.
He chose to leave instead. He after three years is still the same way. Lord help his fiance. God Bless her for being able to handle it.
That said, there is a window of salvation for marriages. If it is swept under the rug, ignored or just not talked about, then resentment on both parts builds, then it can be a dead end.
He needs to be specific about what he is needing from others in order to get it. Being angry or feeling so unappreciated is something he has to communicate. Again, if people would realize the things they complain about are in their control to resolve and nobody else can resolve them for them then it would make life a lot easier.
Sounds like he is maybe at a crossroads, now is the time for him to gain support from others though instead of isolating himself.
If he wants life to change he has to be part of that change.
I suggest you try sitting him down when the kids are in bed and ask him what he needs, why he doesn't feel he is getting it and what he thinks needs to be worked on.
Sounds like he is doing whatever he wants and using his pity party to dump holding the family together on you, that isn't being a partner.
He needs to turn the computer off, be part of the family, enjoy his children and realize his blessings!!!!!!
Hugs, I have no magic answers....I just understand how you feel! Sad as after my ex moved on, there wasn't a huge change in my life personally, I was doing it all anyway before. It is hard on children to have their dad mentally not be there...unplug the computer!
Ask him things like what their favorite games are, what is their bedtime, favorite foods??? Asking these can sometimes kick on a light that maybe he is missing out on his kids and has no idea who they are! That is sad! Kids get the brunt of this stuff!

Hi,
It sounds like it could be a bit of a mid life crisis. My husband from time to time feels the same way. That nothing he does is appreciated. It doesn't seem to matter that I say Thank you, or acknowledge his contributions to the family. He will from time to have himself a pity party. He usually works himself out of it but makes life miserable in the mean time. I don't know if this will work for you but it has worked for me. The next time he has time off from work, tell him you are going to trade places. You are going to work (Volunteer somewhere and your presence is required else where)
He can be the stay at home mom. It usually takes two to three days for the reality of the situation to sink in. Make sure you are prepared. Have the kids schedule mapped out and a list of chores you do everyday. Really turn the tables on him. Let him see first hand just how "cushy" you've got it. If you can do it for a long enough period of time he'll happily go back to his life. Most men can't handle the stress of being home and taking care of the kids. Make sure you do his part. Complain about not being appreciated etc.
I wish you luck. I truly do.

I am not sure if your husband is great at communication or not, but often times there's something else bothering him, and he presents it as he's "not appreciated." It could be that work is stressful at the time, it could be he is at a time where he is bored or frustrated at work... you could try to ask him specifically what is bothering him - ask him to give you specific examples. Sometimes when he feels this way it may be because he is working really hard at his job (not that you're not), and no one tells him thanks, or how proud of him you all are that he provides for you all so well, or whatever. It could even be that no one is thanking him or being appreciative at work either and he carries that over to home.

It could be that he may just want time with you and with the family. Try lining up a sitter and surprising him with a date night - to show him how appreciative you are. Make some special time for him. Sometimes in the crazy world of being parents, we get stuck in our routine of schoolwork, practices, dinner, bath, bedtime and then we're exhausted. It's easy to lose sight of couple time and even family time - quality time together.

Try talking to him and asking him what is REALLY bothering him - and be a great listener.

Good luck-

I think the two of you need to do more together. My boyfriend and I do things with my kids all the time but once a month we have "date night". We don't want our relationship to become stale. I do certain things for him and he does special things for me. We go out to dinner and then either just talk: We don't bring up any conflicts we may be having, we talk about anything and everything under the sun(Except politics) and the disagreements seem to fade away. Good luck!!

Not sure what to tell you other then mine turned forty. what a relief. He is currently on a solo back packing trip of a life time. He said: "I heard that turning forty and having a mid-life crisis, men have to choose one: new transportation, a new woman or location. I chose location." I am blessed that my husband never was one for computer games and sports. He watches much less TV now too. there was a time he was watching a ton...and not caring that our 2 and 3 year old where watching gangster movies.... So I left. I took the kids on a walk, etc. and they cried...why isn't Dad coming and so on. I would loudly explain that he just works hard and needs some time to be a lone...or something like that. At the same time, i started reading and watching theOprah series on A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. He was listening too. He picked up The Power of Now and now we are exchanging books. It is awesome now he is reading Emotional Intelligence. wow, he gets me. He even wrote a nice note saying that he enjoys coming home to a kept house, good kids, and knows that it must get monontinous (aka: he now gets why I have to get out with adult and do something more challenging then toilet training.) so i guess inthe end here are somethings that is helping us...reading together (same books at different times), working on projects together (something totally ne and different for both of you), and setting your relationship above anything else...even your children. but first, give him space, say: "I know...it must be hard/challenging/boring/etc." and lt him know that you aren't going to be around this behavior, you love him, and you will be available when he is "nice." Understand that he has an issue he has to deal with. you can't fix it. and what ever you do, don't get into a battle of who does more with him. Most likely, it is actually him not liking his job. Yes, that is it. about three montha ago i mentioned his mood changed. and he said (after reading the Power of Now) that he had to either change his job or find what in his job he likes and do more of that and less of what he didn't. He changed to a smaller office space further away from people who were needy and bugged him. I am amazed now that I can say to him,"work must have been rough today for you." He'll ask why and I will reply with something sort of silly like: there are stains on your shirt so you must have been stressed out when you were eating your lunch..whatever. and then he laughs and says, yes. the mod totally changes. he doesn't even realize he is bringing the office home. I sort of rambled, but maybe this helped, maybe it didn't. Stop taking it personally and start realizing it is his "pain body."

You "get" to have these things? Being a stay at home mom, you "get" nothing but love,vomit,poop,throw up,and nasty diapers. Do not get me wrong, I have two boys ages3&1,who I love more than life itself, but laeve your hubby by himself for three days and the man can't deal! Sometimes that is the best remedy!

in a very loving and prayerful way way (that means pray for help), tell him that he would be happier if he wasn't so focused on himself.

Wow looks like you have gotten some really good advice; I agree a heart-to-heart talk with him may be a good thing. The only advice I have to add to what you already have is to try and maintain physical contact during that talk. Hold his hand, rub his knee or back, whatever. Nonsexual, intimate contact like that can really lessen the impact of what you may try to say, and make him feel less like you are attacking him - and you're not. Start and end the conversation with "I love you" and tell him specific things you are thankful for him about. I have found in my marriage that it is almost impossible to maintain a disagreement when you are holding hands; good luck!

Many husbands that I know (including my own) think that stay at home moms have it easy. This is a point of contention in many of my friends' marriages. I think that working husbands, in general, feel like they get the short end of the stick. Maybe he doesn't realize that being a mom is HARD. It is much harder than any job I have ever had previously! I had no idea what it would be like--I imagined having fun all day, making cookies, playing Candyland, hide and seek, keeping the house spotless, having dinner on the table at 6 o'clock sharp....it has not been like this at all! Don't get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom. I love my kids. I have been very lucky to be able to stay home with them, but it hasn't been all fun and games! Maybe your husband has the same delusions of what a stay at home mom does all day. Is there a way that he can stay at home for a few days (when you go somewhere) so he can see what you do everyday? Or can you write down everything you do each day, so he knows what you are up to while he is at work?

You need to make sure that he has time for himself as much as you do for yourself. When you go on these Ladies Nights, does he watch the kids for you? You should be willing to do the same. Let him have a guys night or encourage him in a hobby, show some interest, be willing to help him pursue that. When he gets home, don't whine about how hard your day is, his has probably been just as hard. Let him have 20 minutes to unwind without being bothered when he comes home and pick a night for him to go have fun. You should also plan a date night together and get a babysitter. Wooing should never stop in a marriage. It's a constant process. I highly recommend reading Dr. Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Best of Luck.

Disregard part of what I said...You should still read the book, but he sounds like he's regressing in immaturity. I say pull the plug...literally. Take all the cords for the computer away and tell him no more game. He can find other ways to unwind, especially with you or the children, but he's addicted and is neglecting his family. I never heard of a man refusing an intimate evening with his wife until after he's "leveled". He's going to need to be monitored like one of the kids if he can't control his behavior. I know I can sometimes get that way when I've found a really good book I can't put down...two days later I'm done and back to business as usual. His is an addiction and it's affecting everyone.