Hitting in the Head

Hi W.

have you thought of enrolling him in some kind of sport?..baseball, soccor, karate...this will use up some of that engery...

D.

W.,

It may seem a little dramatic what I am about to suggest, tone it down for his age level. Go to the library and look up cases of head injuries. This will scare you as that it does not take a lot to cause damage. Find some that are appropiate for your child to understand what he might do to himself. Combine with this the soft therapy approach of letting him know how presious he is to you and GOd. That he was created for a special prupose and God requires us to take care and honor our bodies. I am sure you can find the balance here. In addition, he is trying to find a way to vent frustration. Get him involved in sports, activities, and alternative ways to express his feelings. This can be as simple as stopping feet or beating on a drum... his head is simply not an option. Good luck.

J.

So many great replies I ran out of time to read them but want to acknowledge the great replies - Like Lauren K

(Although it worries me that there are other mothers out there without the expertise to recognize that most behaviors like this are done to stress you out ... not something they 'will stop for you' once they 'see it upsets you'. Children are often capable of being extremely manipulative.
Hope there's nothing wrong here except frustration and that you over come it together soon!

I also have 3 young boys. I would try showering him with love -hugs, kisses, eye contact - and telling him how much you love him, and it makes you sad to see him hurt himself. He probably won't stop for himself, but will for you.

Dear W.,

You may need some professional help with this problem but before you go there try this.

When he begins doing it, just sit down in front of him on the floor with a calm and loving presence. Don't try to stop him, don't let it unnerve you, don't let it rattle or shake you. Just hold him in your mind as if he were a little newborn babe, starring into his eyes with love and compassion and total commitment. Once he calms down, hold him and ask him why he hurts himself like that. Tell him how much you loved him when he was born, how you kept him safe from harm and how precious and beautiful his body and soul is, and you just need to understand why he feels it is important to hit himself. Then be quiet and listen to what he has to say. don't argue with his answer, don't try to change his mind, just listen to what he has to say. You can respond in time but just let him know that you hear what he has to say. Just be with him when he is in this state, without judgment or physical contact until he is ready to sit in your lap. I simply know that when kids act out, whether they are 6 or 60, they are seeking reassurance and acknowledgement at a deeper level. Just be a witness of peace and respect for his very beingness and you may find he slowly stops acting this way. If this does not work, then perhaps some help from your pediatrition or a child counselor is in order.

Good luck and blessings and peace to your family.

C.

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HI W.,
I have 3 boys 9, 5, and 6 yrs. Needless to say it is a zoo. My 6 yr old went through the same thing. He bumped his head against the wall though. For my son it was attention as well as frustration. I just talked to him and told him it was not good for his body and it could hurt his brain. That he was so soooo smart it would make me sad to see him hurt hiself. I also told him that he was teaching his brithers something wrong to do. It worked for about a day and them we went to time outs each time. I did the time outs steady (10x's a day) for about 2 wks and he finally stopped.
S DeLaura

Hi - good luck with your situation! My son did that, too. We spoke to his pediatrician who suggested a behavior therapist. It turns out that he was exhibiting some signs of associated with the autism spectrum. He was getting very frustrating and starting hitting himself, and the behavior therapist was able to get him to work through his frustrations through other methods (like firm hugging, deep breathing, "stop, think, use your words,") and it's been a really big help. He doesn't do it anymore, but it was really terrifying for almost 6 months! Most public schools can also give you access to state-paid therapists who will work with him at school or in your home. All the best.

Have you considered a counselor for your son? Two of my children saw a counselor after my divorce because they were acting out. Counselors are not only trained in getting to the bottom of their frustration but also in teaching them how to take control of it. Children act out because they don't know how to express what they are really feeling. Actually, adults do that too. :) I also learned that talking to small children, or trying to reason with them, is not a good tactic since they are not equipped to understand logic or reason. They simply need to know, "this is not okay" or "this is okay" and "it is so because I am the parent." I wish you the best. Blessings.

Wow 3 boys! I love it! I have 2 boys. My oldest is 4yrs. When he was about 2 yrs, he started hitting himself. The more I got concerned and tried to stop him, the more he did it. His pediatrician said "ignore it." It's like tantrums. He's trying to get attention. That worked.... and worked pretty quickly. We would simply leave the room sometimes. My only concern for you is that your son is older. Might want to ask his Dr. about it. As far as the little one copying him, you're out of luck. My youngest does the same thing. We try to stop the bad habits with my oldest so the youngest will follow lead and I try to explain to my youngest sometimes that certain things are not OK. That Big brother is being naughty. Sometimes that works. Wish you lots of luck!

I would try to offer your son some alternative ways to express frustrations, such as a nerf ball, squeezing a foam or rubber ball, hitting a stuffed toy, punching a pillow. My daughter has challenges expressing anger at age 9 and I know it is hard. Getting some ideas in him at anb early age will be a gift. Also it is a good idea to verbalize what is going on ("you look very frustrated.") and empathize ("I would be fuming if that happened to me. I don't blame you for feeling mad")as well as role model (what does he see you do when you are mad?).
As for the younger one copying, I don't know a way around that, except to know that you are getting a double benefit when you work with the older one and the younger one sees it...good luck!

I do remember my daughter doing this on some rare occasions. I think you need to be VERY FIRM and tell him it is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE for him to hurt himself -On these rare occasions I remember holding her and telling her "I will never let ANYONE hurt my baby and that includes you, so you definitely can't do this" I continued holding her lovingly (and restraining her if necessary) until she felt calm and secure. I think you have to draw the line firmly. When he's calm you might suggest an alternative way to get out his feelings. Maybe get him a whiteboard and markers at lakeshore and suggest that instead of hitting himself he should write or draw what he is feeling and that way you can discuss it when he's out of his timeout.

Hope this helps - I know it can be very upsetting

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Hi Wendy,
I have a suggestion that may work for your little guys and give you some sanity. my son went threw a very aggressive stage between 4-5 years old. He was frustrated all the time, tantrums, throwing things, I was so sad and frustrated so finally I enrolled him in Karate because it worked for me. After 3 weeks he was a very different little boy. He was much calmer, he respected adults and authority and was not destructive anymore. They were teaching him leadership skills about how to be an example and a good leader to other siblings and friends. They also taught the kids to clean up and listen to their parents and teachers the first time they were told and even took it further in the advance classes teaching the kids to be responsible for themselves by cleaning their room and doing homework with out being asked. I'm not sure if this is your answer but I hope it helps!

Take Care-
<>< G.

I don't think time outs are the answer. It's double punishment to him. It sounds like he understands that he did something wrong, so punishing himself is the answer before you can punish him. (This can lead to hitting girlfriends & his own kids). This can be a bad habit like swearing. For some, it's if I slip up I have to put a dollar in the jar. Which makes you more aware of how often you really do this bad habit.

When you see him start to get frustrated, take him to a private place. (his room, in a closet, in a giant card board box ect.)Not as a time out for being bad, but a place to talk about what's bothering him. Teach the other kids that when you go in their with your 6 yr old, they need to leave you alone. This is when you have one on one with him. Ask him why he is so frustrated. Teach him to talk it out instead of hitting himself or others. Get your pillows and scream into them together, instead. Teach him what makes you feel dump or angry and how you deal with it. Let him know that you are there for him, encourage him for everything you see him do good, (behavior, nice to friends-brothers-you, picking up toys helping with dinner ect.)Point out his good behaviors. So that he sees he does do good things to. Then after a week or two of this special place, when he does this hitting thing or your 3 year old does it, take something away- a favorite toy has to go in the bad behavior box because that isn't allowed anymore. You'll find out that you will love this one on one time. What is said their doesn't leave this space & you will get to know alot about your son, because he will come to trust you more then you'll know.

He might say something that will blow your mind and you'll need to take care of it. (School bully, Nasty things happening, etc.)So be prepared to always be mellow when he is talking. Deal with these major issues away from him.

Make one on one dates with each child. Let them pick where they want to go. McDonalds, Chuck-E-Cheese, Mini golf, movies, etc. This is also a great time to talk. The things you find out about your kids is awesome. The friendship that grows is the best thing every. Good Luck! JP

children usually act out because of something lacking in their world. either attention ,stress, a bully at school, you need to talk to him to find out what is at the root of this behaviour. check out awareparenting.com for some advice on why children act out.

I also had a little bit of an agressive boy. It got really bad after his sister was born. He is now 23 and doing great. Even though you have a new baby, my main advice is to get him into sports to burn off his energy which could be a source of his frustration and agression. Try different sports with borrowed equipment until he finds one he loves. Or just turn on the music and let them all dance. Any thing to burn it up before a problem starts. Also give him another way to vent. My sister taught my son to yell "hammer and nails" instead of bad words when he was frustrated. Maybe he could be allowed to hopp his way to time out to burn up his agression. Again, the best way is to prevent agressive energy with daily physical activity. Also no food dyes!!!!!

Boys just have so much energy! There is no way to prevent the little siblings from copying! Please keep in mind that the most successful men I have known were agressive as boys!

Give him something constructive to do while in time out. Sometimes drawing and coloring a picture can help kids express themselves. I would be careful not to over-analyze his drawings. Remember that we say and do things that we don't mean in anger too. Just an outlet for his frustration.

I've found that sometimes kids just don't know how to express themselves. They just don't have the vocabulary. I'll take my 6 year old aside after she's said something I KNOW she doesn't mean (i.e." I hate my brother!") and try to give her words that effectively express what she really means (i.e." I think what you mean is you're sad that he doesn't want to play with you right now.")

W....

That is a tough one! I am a special Education teacher and Behaviorist in the south bay area and is a problem that I have encountered before. The first thing (and probably the hardest) is to identify what is motivating the behavior. It could be attention driven, but it could also be psyiologically reinforcing as well-meaning he likes that sensation, or like you said he may just be frusterated. Without having a good idea of what motivates it, its hard to know what the appropriate course of action is. If its attn seeking that obviously we wouldnt want to attend, however if its another factor an effective intervention would be different. I would reccomend starting by really focusing on the behavior, when it happens (whats going on at the time), how often and where it is happening to see if you can see any patterns and establish why. Hope this helps.

If this is consistent behavior, I would think about having him evaluated by a peds neurologist or maybe, if you have a good one, his pediatrician. Sometimes kids with extremely low frustration tolerance have other neurological things going on. I am not trying to panic you, but it's a possibility. I have 3 boys - 14, 10 and 8. If the typical diversion, reasoning and other parenting "tricks" don't work, get some additional help.

first off, may i just sympathize and congratulate you for having BOYS!!! boy, do i relate to that statement of yours!!! my 6 yr old is also very intense!! (try glancing at the book "Raising your spirited child"). my son started with things like that too. the best advice i got was to ignore it. tell him matter-of-factly that that is not the right way to deal with anger. start working on ways of dealing with frustration...maybe games or worksheets that they have out (i have access to a ton of stuff if you want, i can send it to you privately). tell him you want him to hit this pillow or here's a towel, pull it apart. give him scratch papaer and tell him to rip it into tiny pieces and when he's done, his anger should be gone. redirecting still works with this age. try it! don't give it emotion, just give it flat line/robot voice. if he sees you upset, he'll keep doing it. if necessary, after teaching him other things, you can even try getting "mad" at him for doing it. but try giving him other options!

Hi W. -

I'm sure you've gotten tons of responses already, but in case no one else has mentioned this organization, I'm going to refer you to a place right here in LA. I am NOT suggesting in any way that you sound like you personally have a problem with violence! The Center for Non-Violent Parenting teaches parents how to talk to their kids (and listen) in a way that may help your son find other ways to express his frustration. Here's a link to their website: http://www.nonviolentparenting.org

I was at a lecture given by the director of the center and she was just lovely. I felt calmer just listening to the woman talk. She and the other teachers there really understands kids and where they're at developmentally, what they need, etc. They are wonderful.

Good luck to you. I hope this helps you. I can totally understand why you'd be concerned about all of your boys (and congratulations on the new baby, by the way).

Peace and blessings,
Colleen

Hi W.,
You may want to seek a behavioral psychologist to help you with this type of disruption in your family. It may be general immature behavior or from what I have learned from my son (who has autism) there is always a cause and effect that creates a situation. You have alot on your plate and some insight may clear this up and prevent more trouble with school time. Give it a try. the beauty of a 3rd party observer that is neutral gives you a chance to learn how to help your little guy and the rest of the family.
D.

i think it is best to very casually tell him that hitting himself is not a good idea, that he can end up hurt, and then leave the issue alone. kids i have seen do these types of things are trying to get attention. if they sense that mom/dad is really worried or worked up about it, they will continue b/c they are getting a reaction. downplay it and he probably will end up stopping.
you could say something like, "i don't know why you would want to hurt yourself, but if you continue to hit your head, that is what will happen." and then walk away.

Dear W.,

I would definitely take him to the Pediatrician and tell him exactly what your 6 year old is doing and how it is affecting the 3 year old. Some testing will show whether he has a chemical imbalance in his brain that can be taken care of with some appropriate medication or whether it is a behavioral issue, etc. etc. Either way, he can get help. Just make an appointment and take them both in for checking.

Knowing and doing something about it is better than the incertainty you are in right now. You also don't need the added headache, never knowing who gets hurt and how badly. Again, a doctor's visit and follow ups will help all of you in the long run. Prevention is better than healing. I just saw that you also have a 6 week old boy. How long does it take for the oldest one to start taking things out on his little brother????

Wishing you enlightenment and excellent help in working out this issue of aggressiveness.

Sincerely,
D.

As you heard from some, I would suggest seeking a therapist who works with children. I called my HMO and got a referral to a place we love. My child was displaying obsessive behavior and thinking. It has REALLY helped, given her tools she can use. There's also a great series written by those in the psychology field called "What to do when you..." We got the "What to do when you Worry Too Much" book and love it. There's probably one for aggression. Best of luck to you. G.