Teaching Not to Hit

I'm really appreciating the insight and compassion I'm hearing in your description of your son. Several articles in the preschool category of my blog, www.advice-for-parents.com, address this issue from a perspective that might resonate with you. I don't want to make this post annoyingly long by reprinting them all, so here are a few excerpts and links to help you decide if you want to read the whole thing or not:

Physically aggressive kids in playgroups can really raise a lot of parental hackles, and it's almost MORE exasperating when the physicality doesn't appear to be motivated by anger. Since the attacks seem so random and unpredictable, the other parents feel the need to keep their guard up all the time, and therefore don't relax or unwind. Not much playing gets done, by either parents or children.
read more at http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/09/overzealous-pla...

The idea is that our job as parents is to keep everyone safe. This includes protecting young children from doing damage to themselves, others, or property while their developing brains are still unable to control their impulsivity. We do a child no favor when we let him hit or hurt us or anyone else. Since he's too young to be reliably in control of his body, especially while he's feeling strong emotion, we need to be his external safeguard.

As we are gently containing, protecting, or redirecting, it can be helpful for us to say, "I will keep us safe." This reminds us that our intention is protection, not punishment. And it lets the child know that we are stepping in for the good of all concerned, including the aggressor.
read more at http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/09/what-do-i-do-wh...

I don't believe that children can feel true remorse for their actions until they are able to distinguish their own experience from that of others. According to Piaget, the ability to take the perspective of another, as well as to understand the relationship between cause and effect, is not fully supported cognitively until at least age 6 or 7.

What may look to some adults like remorse in a young child may in fact be something else -- perhaps simple curiosity, or an instinctive mirroring response (such as crying when they hear another child cry), or even a learned response, such as an empty "I'm sorry" with no real regret behind it.

Children may also react from shame or fear and try to smooth things over with a quick apology if they have been frequently chastised or punished. But it's not likely to be true chagrin or regret for harm they have caused until after age 6 or 7.
read more at http://www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/11/at-what-age-do-...

you'll read this in one of those articles if you go there, but if not, I just want to mention here that it may be worth investigating the possibility that your son has some sensory integration issues. sometimes kids really do have no idea where their bodies are in space, how hard they are pushing on things, etc. occupational therapy can be a huge help by rewiring their nervous systems to give them more detailed feedback so they can adjust their bodies accordingly. Just a thought ...

My colleague and I also teach evening parenting workshops in Boulder and Lafayette on topics like Taming the Toddler Brain, Tantrums and Power Struggles, and Effective Discipline. I think you'd find that there a lots of other intelligent and insightful parents who are facing similar challenges, and there are many effective ways to address concerns like you describe. If you are interested, you can find our schedule at www.inspiring-connections.com. (I hate that this sounds like a cheesy commercial, but I couldn't figure out another way to get this info across. sorry bout that! I respond to lots of posts without including this info, but you sound like exactly the kind of parent who would deeply resonate with our approach.)

warm regards,
K.

I think he gets it. I think he's just playing you. He knows that he can make you feel bad, and he knows that hitting hurts. You've said that he's not stupid, and I absolutely believe you, but YOU are treating him like he is stupid and are allowing yourself to be manipulated when you let him get away with coming out of his room, or believe when he whines that you are being mean when you punish him. Find a consequence that really means something to him and stick to it. If he whines that you are being mean, tell him 'No, you were the one that was mean, and that is why you are in trouble," and continue to enforce the punishment. Coming out and apologizing sweetly after 30 seconds doesn't count. And DO NOT try to justify his behavior by saying "No one really got hurt." That's obviously not true, and his behavior IS obviously a problem if he's being removed from group activities. This behavior can be corrected if you are firm, stick to it, and are the adult in the situation.

S., We will be having a Video Series by Dr James Dobson sometime in March in Vale. It is seven weeks of top advise from a well known Child Discipline specialist. Child care provided. Evening sessions about an hour long.If you are interested email me at ____@____.com S. B

Okay, when he comes out of his room 5 seconds later to apologize to his brother, he's not really sorry. He has just learned how to cut his punishment short. You may need to revisit what his consequence is! It needs to hurt, so to speak. If he doesn't mind the punishment, it will not work. Is there something you can take away from him, be it a privilege or whatever, that would actually cause him to rethink what he is doing? And 5 seconds will never work! I really recommend you have a predetermined amount of time, and at the end of that you can require that apology of him. But if he is contentedly taking the consequence, spouting out an apology (no matter how sweetly he comes across ) and resuming the behavior, it's not working! And it's important to find a method that does work, because he won't stop this on his own. It will, in fact, probably escalate. You're the mom, and he needs to be reminded of this. I know it's not always easy, but it will be worth it to get rid of this behavior so that you don't have to worry about him hurting others and that he can be welcome in settings with other children. My daughter was the victim of one of these really rough kids. At the age of one, she was in the nursery at the gym when a little boy bit her on the face. His teeth scraped along for over an inch before actually really breaking the skin on her nose. She was traumatized, and we had to take her to the Dr. and get her on antibiotics. This was the kid's 3rd and final offense, as he was kicked out after this incident. My feeling was he should have been kicked out after the first one! I know, a little extreme. But I was very upset, and the mom just acted so helpless about the whole thing. She wasn't, she just needed some direction. Good luck to you, dear. I know this is tough, but you can do it!

Sounds like the best thing for you to try is to teach him how to control his strength, and get him to realize that it hurts when he hits. Practice doing things softly. Emphasize that what he's doing hurts, ham it up if you need to. "Ow, ow, ow, I think you broke a rib! Ooohh" when he gives you a "tight" hug, and then next time remind him that you don't want any broken bones. You can make it fun and still teach him to be soft. Good luck.

When your child is hitting you, you need to be gentle but firm and hold him with his arms down at his sides and his legs unable to move. It's called a gentle body hold. I had to do this with my youngest because he would hit us all the time. I'd let him go when he got the idea that it was not okay to hit mommy. Or dad or brother. It seems cruel but you can't let him hit.

As for other places, you are right, he doesn't get the concept of hitting resulting in a consequence. He needs to be removed from the situation and have quiet time, like a time out, only with you right there, until he can control himself.

Also, before you get to church or get him ready for the day (or night) tell him in advance. Like if it's time to change at seven, then at six-thirty say, We're going to change into bedtime clothes in half an hour. He won't understand the time thing but then let him play and ten minutes later tell him again, in five minutes we're going to change clothes. I know in the morning you can't do that because of time but I'd try it at least at bedtime.

When you are going to church, do the same thing. Say, you are going to be in day care today. I don't want you to hit anyone. Otherwise, you won't get to play with anyone. You will have to sit with me.

Then follow through, be consistant and firm. Good luck!!!!!

Hi S.,
In a parenting class I learned the "You Hit You Sit" method. It worked for my daughter, who is tall and rough herself. The parent MUST be present for it to work, so it takes time & attention.

EVERYTIME the child hits, catch his arms and sit him down, say "You hit, you sit". The action of sitting and the gentle containment of limbs breaks the chain of energy he/she is putting into the agressive action. Sitting with the child and talking softly about how "we don't hit our friends/family, we use gentle hands...can you show me what gentle hands are like?"
Adding in there what emotion he/she must be feeling, "oh, Joe took your toy, you must be mad/frustrated, that's ok, we can take turns with the toy." Also, providing an option, like CLAPPING or stomping feet, to release that energy of frustration instead of hitting/pushing.
I'm finding that timeouts work better when I take the timeout with her, 'cause she may not understand completely or remember WHY she's in timeout. If I'm sitting with her then we can talk about the feeling, the action, and the proper behavior.
It sounds to me like your toddler-boy knows what to do to get back out of his room, but hasn't connected the isolation as punishment for his action.

It all takes time, and repetition. Good job mommin'!
A.

i don't know how big your son is... but can you put him in the pack and play for a time out? this was effective for a friend of mine, because she couldn't get him to sit by himself for a time out unless she could physically control where he stayed. it was in the next room over, no toys, but a better punishment, he hated it... (plus it is better than using his crib since you don't want your kid associated bedtime with punishment).

otherwise, you probably need to find a punishment that works... e.g. taking away something he likes.

bottom line though, instead of saying "its not nice", really it needs to be "no one in this house gets to hit anyone else" or similar... niceness has nothing to do with it, the core behavior is wrong. e.g. that no one has the right to hit anyone else, ever. also, he may need another outlet for his frustration... I just finished reading "siblings without rivalry" and it had some good tips for diffusing conflicts.

good luck.. my friend's kid is one of the sweetest boys you'd ever meet, but when he gets frustrated with other kids he used to bite them, she was at her wits end. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

good luck!

** I am reposting after your update.
You say "he doesn't get it", yes he does, he is playing you. Sorry but he is in charge not you. Time outs may not work, find what does. If he comes out and says "sorry" then he made the connection.
All children have "currency" or what matters, if time outs don't work you take his favorite toy and put it on the fridge for 24 hours so he can see it but not have it. If not that then early bedtime, take away a day at the park, something means enough to him to not want to lose it!

Three year olds are VERY SMART and figure out really fast if you aren't willing to put the effort forth he will walk all over you. If you continue to be consistent he will get it. I think boys are more physical however teaching him to chill out, what the boundaries are, do not allow wrestling, play fighting at home he will figure out he is able to hurt someone. Good luck! :)

First he is heading to three, so him dictating when his time out is up should not happen!! He should not be allowed to get up himself. He is then controlling the situation not you. He should stay put for 2- 3 minutes THEN you go to him and tell him he can get out. All he has learned is say sorry and I am done. Him doing it again, you put him back and tell him he will go back every time he does it period! DO NOT LET HIM GET UP BEFORE HIS TIME IS UP, ignore him and let him pitch a fit.

Him getting kicked out of a class is not good. I personally think even at two he is very aware he is being agressive and you need to hold him in time out a lot longer.

If he is getting upset you need to intervene before he is going to hit if you can and remove him immediately from the situation. If he hits you need to look him on his level in the face and say "that is not nice and I will not put up with this you need to go to time out", not his room, but a corner facing the wall. Ignore his fits and crying. When the time is up you need to re-explain why he went there and to apologize face to face with who he hit. If he hits anywhere outside your home, remove him and take him home and put him in the corner, he shouldn't get to go back and have fun.

He is two and if he isn't overly articulate he is frustrated and that is normal. Boys express frustration more physically. The sooner you get the point across you will not tolerate it the better though. You need to stand firm. When he goes to hit you, grab his hand first before he hits you and look sternly at him and say "NO! YOU DO NOT HIT ANYONE"...if he kicks you grab his leg and say the same thing. When you have changed his diaper, put him in time out right away.
It may take weeks, if not longer but consistency and the same consequences over and over he will get it eventually.