2 1/2 Year Old Won't Stop Hitting Others

She's still trying to figure out how to express herself and her emotions. My son went through this and now my daughter has just started doing it too.
They don't know as much as we would like them to (because it would be so much easier to just be able to reason with them) so you need to help her figure out her emotions and help her learn how to deal with them in a positive way.
What are her triggers? Is it a specific child? Time of day (tired, hungry) try to figure out what is leading up to her hitting and then remember to talk to her on her level about it.
Don't make her apologize because she has no idea what that means yet. She needs to be empathetic to understand it so help her develop her empathy. When she hits, have the person she hit tell her that it hurts them (or boo-boo or whatever word she has learned to associate with pain), show her with expressions (sad face, crying).
This is a perfectly normal phase that your daughter is going through so I wouldn't be too concerned that your daughter is going to be "mean" or anything like that.
This is a great resource for you, I hope it helps.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t063900.asp
It goes in depth about troublesome toddler behaviors.

We have had similar problems with both of our boys (now 6 and 3 years old). Some children just have a stubborn streak and because they are so little and don't have any way to handle their anger, they hit. It is perfectly natural. The way we handled it at first was to talk to our sons about hitting. It hurts, people won't want to be your friend, etc. But sometimes we had to resort to punishments like time out. Time out works differently for everyone, but I have found that if we have a time out chair (or step or corner) that is THE place they have to go, plus a timer. Tell her she may not speak while in time out, she may not cry while in time out, she may not play while in time out, she may ONLY sit quietly and (hopefully) think about what she did that was wrong and how she might handle the situation better. After time out is over we remind our child that they were in time out for a specific reason (hitting in your case), ask them not to do it again, and then hug them and tell them they may return to their activity. Don't allow her to cry and scream and whine during her punishment. This just adds to your stress. Simply tell her that the timer will not start until she behaves herself. And never get drawn into an argument. Don't discuss or argue with her during punishment, simply ignore her until time out is over. It is best to use reason and logic and discussion when you are not in the middle of a problem. Talk to her before you go to a friend's house, or before there may be a situation. Remind her that she needs to behave herself and talk about what is expected. That way she knows the rules before the situation occurs, and she doesn't have any excuses.

Hi hedi, if she hits some one have them hit her back, she will get th piture, you also need to use firmer discipline. J.

I am still mastering this myself but I have had some insight from my therapist that is really helping. There are certain behaviors such as hitting, biting, kicking, spitting and tantrums (extreme behaviors) that require immediate time out without warnings. That being said, if you have a child like the child you are describing time outs are difficult; typical time outs require no attention on your part beyond putting them into timeout. Some kids (not mine) just do time out and learn but some kids (like mine) hit, kick, and try to get up to get away from time out and leave you feeling too frustrated to put them back again. If she is like this and you have the option of having her bedroom with just her bed and dresser (no toys or things she can hurt herself with) you can turn the door knob around to have the lock outside and lock her in for time outs (only time outs, no other time). It's not illegal or hurtful towards her to lock her into her bedroom for time out if it's just for time out. So back to what I was saying about immediate time outs...if it's for something big like hitting you do an immediate time out but if it for something small like not listening to you, you warn and then count the small bad behaviors as they happen until you reach 3 within 15 minutes and then do time out. So hitting is an immediate time out..."you hit so-and-so and that's not acceptable so you have to go to time out and the timer doesn't start until you calm down". It hasn't happened with our son but she might be in time our for an hour if she refuses to calm down for a whole 2 minutes since she is 2 and it's 1 minute per year of age and you restart the timer if she has an outburst before the timer goes off. This is what I am being taught in regards to dealing with a strong willed child and some children just go along with immediate time outs so if she goes along with it just do immediate time outs in your normal place every time she hits.

I strongly disagree w/ having the other child hit yours back! That would only teach that child that it's ok to hit. Focus on helping your child deal w/ her frustration. Patience & be consist w/ discipline ie. timeouts. They really make a huge difference w/ my 2 1/2 yr. old daughter. And keep in mind that there is some truth to the expression "terrible twos"...this to shall pass :-) I, also, recommend lots & lots of hugs & kisses & reading lots of books. They are a great outlet & the public library lets you check out @ 30 books/3 wks. And it's FREE :-) I wish you all the best w/ your little one.

Time outs don't hork for everything, when you put her in time out all she is thinking about is (I Want out). When she hits someone (anyone)hit her back. And say how do you like it, do you like it when I hit you. It hurts. If she hits again hit her a little harder, and repeat. Once they realize it hurts or that they don't like it themselfs they understand a little better. Also Timeouts should be mean. They need to learn that this behavior is not exceptible. I always thought sitting a little person on a timeout chair and making them try to sit their was more work then it's worth. My kids had to stand at a wall with toes & nose touching the wall, while doing this they had to tell me why this behavior is wrong & not exceptible. If they cry timeout doesn't start till they stop.(no looking away or 5 minutes starts again). Not only is this humiliating to stand with your nose on the wall but after 5 minutes I'm tiered of standing this way and it sinks in faster that they don't want to do it again. Even in public, when my kids start bugging each other, I'll I have to say is would you like to face the wall and they stop. Because in public would be worse to have your toes and nose on the wall. Try this instead of putting her in her room. Even if it's for 2 or 3 minutes at her age. Good Luck! J.

Kids are not born with "poor temperments", they're born the way we are, and it's up to us to help educate and accept them. Please get some parenting classes to help you out. If you live near Los Angeles try calling the Thalian group at Cedar Sinai Hospital, or the Maple Center in Beverly Hills. I don't know your financial situation, but both of these work on sliding scales based on need. If you're not near there I'm sure they can make a reputable referral. Good luck.

Read The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears (in fact, if you go to www.askdrsears.com and type in hitting, you may actually get the same info there that you would from the book). You don't mention how verbal she is. I would assume at this age she talks well, but not all 2.5 year olds do. Hitting is usually done when a child is frustrated and doesn't have the vocabulary to communicate their frustration. I read somewhere recently and I can't think for the life of me where - but that we shouldn't be forcing apologies. The article was good and made sense - however I'm no help to you there as my memory stinks right now! LOL If I recall it, I will ad it to this later today.

Hang in there - catch your little girl doing more things right than wrong.
M.

Great...that's all parents and teachers need are 2 years old hitting each other back and forth to see which one gives up first. Seriously...Children around this age will hit and bite because they dont know how to epxress themselves entirely. They have come to the realization that when the exert force something happens and it is usually in their favor. Children spend enough of their lifetime being told the should NOT do this and that. If a child is hitting someone else because he/she wants a toy the other is playing with simply remove the toy. I understand where you are coming from. I am sure you feel that others must think you do not have control on your child's behavior, but if parents look back when their children were this age and I have no doubt that most children were this way whether parents want to admit it or not. Try engaging her in other activities to calm her.

Have you ever watched Super Nanny? If you haven't, tune it, because this comes up pretty often. You could pick up some good ideas from her. Many parents utilize time-outs incorrectly and inadvertently reinforce poor behavior with their own negative attention. Put her in time-out, briefly explain why she's there, set the timer for 2 minutes, and do not engage with her until her time is up. If she gets out, don't speak to her, just take her back and put her down. Keep it up for HOURS if you need to do so. (Seriously.) Just DO NOT speak with her. Once her time out is over, tell her why you put her in time-out----1-2 sentences, ask for an apology, hugs and kisses and off she goes. Catch her being good and give her lots of praise! Make a huge effort to spend 2-30 minute play times on the floor with her a day--in the am and again in the afternoon. Keep it all light and positive and let her choose and control the play. In all likelihood, you will see a huge difference in her behaviors. Also, sign up for a parenting class. Some school districts offer them free of charge, many hospitals do (CHOC for one), and I'm sure there are many other resources. You will get a lot of help, advice and support in a parenting class, and you won't feel so isolated, either. (Especially when you hear other parent's stories---someone always has it worse!!) Good luck!

Just a thought, are you giving your daughter milk. Do some research on it. Often if children are sensitive to milk, it can make them very aggressive. My oldest was one of these children. I did not find out until he was about six years old. Once i got him off milk, he was a whole new human being.

I've found sometimes they need to know you understand then. I've had similar outbursts with my 2 year old son and I get down at his eyes and say "You're mad (Frustrated, angry...) You want to play with that toy and Suzi has it and that makes you mad." Then I offer, "What is a better way of getting your feelings out?" Offer her suggestions. Maybe squeezing your hands in a tight, tight fist, or taking a deep breath and blowing it out (Maybe in one BIG huff or very, very slowly - find what she likes best). My son now tells my daughter, "take a breath sissy" But by letting them know you understand, identifying their feeling and then giving them an alternate way of handling that feeling you're giving them tools instead of punishing their feelings. I've noticed with my daughter, (who's now 8) that when I escalate, she escalates but when I talk to her in a calm, matter of fact voice, we both come out so much quicker.
Maybe with hitting, you want to immediately remove her from the situation and you may still want to issue a timeout to get her to understand the severity but then, give her the tools to change that behavior.
Good luck- I wish I didn't loose that manual they came with!
-K.-

First, stop making her appologize. There are a lot of different schools of thought on this, but I personally believe (and have seen in action) that forcing a child to appologize teaches them nothing other than to lie to get out of something. Also, removing this as a requirement takes away some of the power struggle between you and her (and if you get in a power struggle with a toddler you will always loose, even if you win). Instead, tell whoever she hit "I'm so sorry she hit you"- this sets the example without forcing her to say something.

At 2 1/2 she is going to hit, and she is probably going to do it several times even if you are using the best and most effective discipline possible. If it has been a problem and you know she understands that it is not okay, stop giving warnings. Tell her that, from now on, when she hits she goes straight to time out, no warnings. When she hits, firmly but unemotionally say "hitting hurts, no hitting" and place her in time out- NOT in her room, but an actual designated timeout spot that you can supervise. I have a timeout chair, but even just a specific spot on the floor works as long as it's out of the way, like not in front of the TV or some other distraction, and if we're out of the house I just sit her down wherever she's out of the way and say "timeout." If she gets up, don't say anything, just sit her back down. The timeout restarts every time she gets up. She should sit for about a minute per age (2 min or 2 1/2 min). Then, when timeout is over (she has sat for the entire 2 minutes without any interaction from anyone), go to her, get down on her level, and say "hitting hurts, do we hit?" I hug Izzy at the end, but that's optional. Do this consistantly, and it will help.

ALSO, try observing her very closely when you're around to see what causes her to hit. If you can predict it, then you can catch her when you start to see her get frustrated. Then say "I see you're mad/upset/frustrated, what should you do?" Using open ended questions will help her slow down enough to make a better choice and teach her to reflect on her own behavior. Feel free to message me if you have any questions.

I would try a positive behavior support system. Teach her how to replace the problem behavior with appropriate behavior. First figure out what your little girl is getting out of the behavior. My guess is that she gets attention; regardless of whether it is negative attention, it is still attention. She also may get something tangible out of it as well. Once you determine what she is getting from it, start rewarding her for using appropriate behavior. Whenever she demonstrates restraint or a kind action, acknowledge the appropriate action and praise her or give her something tangible. This way she is still getting attention and something tangible but she is getting it for demonstrating the kind of behavior you want to see. Hopefully she will start to see the connection between good behavior and positive attention. This approach sometimes works better than giving negative consequences. Good luck!