Hitting - Halethorpe,MD

Updated on September 29, 2009
P.W. asks from Halethorpe, MD
13 answers

Okay, Moms. I need your advice - especially from those of you who are currently going through this or have conquered the battle. When my 14 month old son gets frustrated, he swats at his ear/side of head, or he hits other objects and sometimes me. I have kneeled at his level and told him 'no', or that his behavior is 'not nice'...it doesn't work. My pedi has said to ignore it and that the more attention that I give this behavior, the more he will do it. I have tried ignoring it, but it's difficult to do. Any suggestions? Also, is this behavior more common is boys? And is this behavior any indication of what's to come when he's older - school behaviors, etc.?

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K.F.

answers from Washington DC on

Sounds like you are handling it well....kids just take a lot of patience and consistency. You are doing the right thing, but it may not catch on for a couple years yet. But don't worry, it is not a sign of things to come in later years...it's a normal reaction for little ones to do this - it is their form of communication since they don't have enhanced verbal skills right not to get their feelings across. I would maybe just look at the issue he is having (why he is frustrated), and deal with that asap after you have told him 'no hitting.' Or, try to anticipate it and deal with the problem before he gets frustrated (which is almost impossible for that age, I realize). Pretty soon, he will realize there are better ways of dealing with his frustration...and he won't be 1 forever. :)

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

You are doing the right thing, but a good dose of consequences will help too. Remove yourself or the object of frustration. Don't just ignore it or say "no." If he hits you, say "No hitting" and plop him down and walk away. If he hits/throws a toy, take the toy, "No nice hands." When he calms down, look at him and say, "Good calming down. Say sorry. Use nice hands."

In terms of him doing it to himself, kids do that when they are really tired, so be wary of letting him get overtired. Mostly, say in a diaspproving or sad voice, "No, ouchie." Vocalize for him, put words to his emotions, "You are mad/sad/tired, aren't you? Use nice hands. Hug Mommy instead." You could try to busy his hands or pet them to distract him.

My oldest (5 years) never hit. But her little sister is 19 months and will push to get my attention or hit if her sister is in her space. I always say, "No hitting. Say sorry." (She knows to sign sorry) And I make her kiss her sister. She also knows that "nice touching" is soft petting becasue I demonstrate and she copies me. Keep in mind it is "petting" not "patting" which can quickly turn to hitting. It worked after 3-4 incidents. And now is infrequent, ussually when she is tired. So another trick is to avoid frustrating situaitons. Put a tired baby down for a nap, or at least a change of scenery, rather than have a battle.

It is normal for kids to try this as toddlers, but with some consistent response it should not persist past a few days/weeks. It may return as he is an older toddler and preschooler and tries to test you or other caregivers, but again using a consistent response should work. I see no reason why it would foreshadow problems of an older child. But there are pareents who don't deal with it or chalk it up to "boys will be boys." I believe parents who never teach their kids to manage frustration cause some of the school age problems you might see in your child's peers.

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D.C.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi P.-
I am a 40 year old MAMA (soon to be 41) of a 19yr old and a 2 yr old! My boy the 2 yr old also swats his ears and has been doing this since he was very young. I have always thought this to be his way of letting out frustration. He didn't harm himself or me...it's just not the way I would want him to decompress. I did say- oh gentle on the baby...or the mama. He usually hit me or grunts and I get up with no emotion say-no hit mama- ouch that hurt a mama- stay close and get busy doing something.(NOT the COLD shoulder action-just matter of fact like) Def keep telling him not to hit- it may seem like your not getting thru- but YOU ARE- he'll get it! He comes over and I tell him again he hurt a mama and tell mama your sorry...Look a mama in the eye...say i'm sorry mama...i say this with a sad face and rub his hand on my cheek and say "gentle"-he usually will do it-then I eat a baby up and I redirect him with some cool thing. I don't make a big deal out of it....remember it's all a stage..he's new with all this emotional stuff....I also try and read him if it's better to leave him be for a few mins- I do-he doesn't like me to talk to him much..(I find I make it worse with TOO MUCH TALK)..when he's mad..or rock him or pat him...so I tell him I'm sorry that hurt or I sure understand your disappointed/mad. He did stop hitting himself. I also don't make big deals out of falls or bumps...try to stay low key on the emotions myself...no big loud breaths or are you ok's? I usually say "Ohhh NO" or "UT OH" sometimes I fall on the ground and roll over to him...(over dramatically of course)..he LOVES that! Man your so brave...wow shake it off! Shew-wee! Of course I'm making sure he's really ok the whole time. I pay attention to how I react to my disappointments...little eyes are watching.You are interring into the throwing stage..and remember it is ALL a stage. He also started throwing things when he was mad. That one we addressed more directly....telling him I understand he's mad-but he can't throw. I REALLY try redirecting him ALL the time....that's something I didn't do with my oldest...I always tried to CONTROL her...locked horns- determined to win. I'm the boss obey me! Redirecting My boy has worked great when he throws stuff."Oh my goodness would you look at that cool racecar...vruummm"..with telling him in love throwing is not allowed but you can roll, race or fly it...if it's a ball,car anything really...I remind him he can throw the ball outside. I also set up a net in my house and only soft squishy balls can go in that. That also gave him a target. I have six bottles(old ensure bottles-been washed and labels removed)I set them up and he has learned to bowl. most of the time he knocks them down with his hands...but the ball now has a goal. At age 2 he really loves this. I removed hard balls....why tempt him? I have learned there is so much going on in their minds and some times they just melt down....and we need to help them find healthy ways to deal with the way their feeling. Now my boy is doing the yelling...."NO" or DON"T THROW THAT...we are into time-outs with a tick-tick/dinging timer. and spanking the bottom. But redirecting is still my first choise. Be careful not to reason him to death....I did this with my first one and realized I taught her to BACK TALK....she thought she had the right to keep bantering with me. Big mistake! Yes i want to hear her -but then what mommy says is the rule. well anyway...I wish you well on your journey...enjoy the ride for it does go quickly....be firm but with much love and discernment! Lots of prayer!

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S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

i think you and your pedi are both right. i wouldn't TOTALLY ignore it but i do agree that the less attention the better. getting down to his eye level is always a good technique, with a calm but strong NO. if you can identify what's frustrating him and name it 'i think you're mad because you can't play in the dog food', that alone can help alleviate the internal fury even if he keeps acting out. remove the source if possible, but the main thing is to let him know you love him and are there, but not to fuel the behavior by responding with a flurry of your own. it's hard for YOU because you're not getting quick positive feedback, but i think you're handling this very well and it will pay off for you in the long run.
khairete
S.

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N.S.

answers from Washington DC on

My 9 month old daughter does the same thing. I have assumed it is a normal way of expressing frustratoin since they can't fully express themselves verbally. I look forward to reading your responses!

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T.M.

answers from Washington DC on

We have gone through it...sometimes with relapses. Our experience is with our son and I am thinking we did a balance of ignoring and disciplining. We did ignore when the hitting was not hurting him or others but we also created "safe" spaces for him to hit when he wanted to hit someone: the couch, the wall, the bed, we also got one of those blow up "punching bags" that springs back. We got the book, Hands are not for Hitting. We read that over and over again. The combination of learning discipline and a phase...has been my personal interpretation. I will not even think to offer what may be next...just one parents journey to another.

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K.W.

answers from Washington DC on

We went through this at about that age with both my sons. Ignoring it was the best option. I found I was saying NO too much at this age and he didn't really understand. I did correct him if he hit someone else but if he hit himself I just let it go. It will pass but it is frustrating.

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C.J.

answers from Washington DC on

this might sound harsh but when mine was hitting at that age i said nothing, just plopped her on the floor and walked away just a little. i did NOT want her to feel abandoned and would never leave the room but i was communicating with her non verbally that i won't stick around to be hit. it was very effective.

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K.L.

answers from Washington DC on

Keep it up with saying "No" and "We don't hit." You say it isn't working, but eventually it will. I had this same problem when my daughter was the same age. Sometimes she would even hit when she was really excited or happy. I felt like I was saying "We don't hit" and holding onto her little hands about 20 times a day - but she finally got the idea. Or she outgrew the behavior, I don't know. Just stay consistent and hopefully it'll sink in soon.

Oh, and no, this is NOT an indication of bad behavior in the future! My "hitter" is now almost 6, and of my two girls she is my lover. So sweet and sensitive :)

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

I agree with your Ped. At this age, he will not understand when you say NO and NOT NICE. He gets attention from you when he does it...and you don't want to encourage it. Just try distracting him and help him settle down a little if he is frustrated.

Good luck!

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D.C.

answers from Richmond on

My now 20 mo has been hitting for a little while. At first we thought it was funny and my husband would laugh when he did it, which of course was not the right thing to do as now he still does it....but we just tell him "no hitting" when he does it and then he either hits himself or just stops....We try to ignore it as much as possible and it has slowed down. It's just their way of getting out frustrations/energy.....Hang in there!

C.W.

answers from Lynchburg on

Dear P.-

I know that hitting at this stage can be a frustrating thing!!

One thing that I tried to do with my kids at this age is 'reserve my NO's'. By this, I mean...rephrasing to something like..."hitting hurts...touch nicely"...and then modeling 'touching nicely' on the child with a gentle stroke...or a gentle hug. This gives the child words to describe their frustration...and also 'saves' your NO's for more serious behavior...

Being CONSISTENT in this is key!!

Just a thought!! Seems to have worked pretty well with my guys!!

Take care

Michele/ catwalk

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T.H.

answers from Norfolk on

he could wake up tomorrow and never do it again. but probably what will happen is after awhile he will learn a new technique like biting nails or learning to deal with the frustration. in school others will look at him funny and ask what he's doing so he will stop then if he hasnt yet. if i were you i'd just take his hand and gently put it to his side when he does this and say very calmly dont hit yourself and then leave it alone. hopefully he will get the idea sooner than later.

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