Need Advice About Toddler Behavior

My daughter went through the same thing. We realized she enjoyed the reaction she got from us every time she hit. So, we started ignoring her when she hit. If we were holding her, we would just put her down after she hit. We didn't say anything, just moved away from her or put her down when she would hit and it didn't take long before it stopped.

I am going through the exact same thing, they will get over it. But I suggest, holding his arms, getting down to his eye level saying no firmly and then helping him get his attention on something else. Good luck!

I was in the exact same situation with my son. He is 17 months old and about a month ago he started hitting. I tried to tell him no, be gentle, don't hit etc. It didn't work. Eventually I decided to give him a warning and then if he hit again he went straight to his crib for 2 minutes. It only took about a week and there was no more hitting! The key for me was consistency. Every single time he hit he got the same consequence and it wasn't one he liked so he stopped. Good luck!

My first advice would be relax, it is very normal, and he will outgrow it, I like to place their hands at their side and say "no hitting" if he hits again I get up and walk away, of course they laugh our reaction is comical to them, so make sure you have no reaction no anger, frustration....not even a time out, just no and leave. I always make the mistake of laughing the first time, you'd think after all my kids I would know better (7 buggers). It will take a little time be patient, he has just learned something new he can do.

L.,

I've also dealt with this and tried many things over a period of time. I've grabbed both my boy's wrists, firmly, but not so it would hurt,so he couldn't hit. He then began trying to kick, so I immobilized his legs. Then it was bite, so I made certain he couldn't reach me with his teeth. Then he got really upset, so I turned it into a game, either tickling hime, holding my palm up flat and telling him to punch it as hard as he could, or saying, "You can't get me and moving around a lot until he just wore himself out, or the anger wore off". These all worked and we could then begin having conversations about his anger and how to handle it.

Forget talking about the underlying reasons, at least for now, because, for the most part, kids don't often understand them themselves. The most important two things I've learned about this is that distraction works well and that if they are given a way to cool down, which is the actual idea behind a "time out", or can find a way to physically express their anger appropriately (my son refused to beat up a pillow when I suggested it [don't know why], but was perfectly happy to hit a heavy bag I have, especially after I demonstrated), then they are more receptive to any kind of intellectual exchange, especially pointing out that hitting hurts and, "Do you like it when people hit you?".

Also, consider eliciting the help of your pediatrician or a child psychologist if nothing seems to work.

My boy is now seven and this is rarely an issue anymore, although it has come up a couple of times a year.

Good luck in this.

We found our boy needs an outlet where he can "play rough". It usually goes like this:
-he hits sister
-"hey, that makes her sad. Say you're sorry." "do you want to play rough?"
-we find a pillow we can punch/kick or he plays rough with daddy.
-"Mommy/Sister doesn't like to play rough. Do you wanna play rough with Daddy?"

Playing rough isn't always punching/kicking things. Sometimes it means chasing him. Or pushing him backwards onto a feather bed. It's always something a little more physical than his sisters are used to.

When my son hit me, I held his hand so he couldn't move it. He never hit me again. When my 2 year old decided it was funny to hit, I held her hand so she couldn't move it. She hasn't hit me again either. I don't hurt them. I just hold their wrist and say, "No hit." I believe its appropriate and immediate which is good for reenforcement. I realize I was lucky that it only took once for them to not hit again but with consistancy, he'll understand. Don't hit him, don't hurt him. He's only doing it to see what will happen and not to hurt anyone. When he gets excited maybe he needs to be removed from the situation to calm down a bit before it escalates to the point where he hurts.

as a headstart teacher and daycare provider for over 23 years i have found giving them something that they can hit when they seem to need to hit something helps(big pillow,swaying punching toy,big stuffed animal) and or
being aware and restricting association with other kids that hit or are aggressive and restricting videos or tv programs that show hitting or aggression
there have been a few cases where i just wrap them in a hug, even restricting their kicking legs until they can calm down, even repeating teh action until they decide hitting results in something they dont want to happen(restrictive hug)

Swiftly and silently, with little or no emotion, swoop him immediately after the hit to a quiet, out of the way location and go back to the activity. Pick a place it will take a little time for him to return (like your bed, if he can climb down from it safely.) When he comes back remind him that hitting hurts, have him apologize, and state he will be removed if he does it again. Do it every time, and be consistant. It's about instant results, non-violence, and gentle reminders instead of long discussions or big deals.

Often kids this age don't have the language to express that they want something, need something or are upset. Often they resort to hitting because they are so frustrated. That doesn't ever make it ok.

Consistency is the key! REDIRECT HIM, often physically picking him up and moving him to another area in the room and/or give him a new toy, etc. The experts say to be careful about overusing the word "no," so maybe use other words in less serious situations and save the "no" for the hitting times and more important events.

Kids this age don't rationalize, so sometimes an explanation is too much. Simply say, "NO hitting. That hurts Mommy (or whoever)" and redirect immediately.

Time outs work for many parents - the rule (I am sure you've heard) is one minute for each year old the child is. So about 1 or 1/2 minutes.

Good luck - I'd hope this helps.

S.

ps: How do you think your son is feeling about a new baby coming to the family? Could he maybe be responding to that situation? Just a thought...kids pick up on change and emotions from those around them, and I am sure he knows something big is about to happen. Thinking out loud...

My son did the same thing just after my son was born and he was feeling neglected and pushed aside. When he would throw his little tantrums I would just hold him and tell him that I loved him and that when he did hit when needed to put him on time-out because it hurts. He also was biting and that was an issue. But we both worked on it together and we haven't had as many issues with hitting and none at all with biting. Make sure that when your baby does come to set aside a "special time" with him and you will do whatever he wants even if it is just to sit together and watch his favorite tv show or a movie. Special time is what helped my son as well.
N. L.

L.-

My 18 month old has started smacking me. she doesn't hit her father, only me. We've taught her to "Be Nice to Mama". At first I took her hand and would rub it gently on my face and say "Be Nice to Mama" during a non-stressful time so it was kindof a game. Now, if she is having a tantrum and expresses her frustration by hitting, I say "Be Nice to Mama" with a stern face and she usually smiles and rubs my face gently. Then I smile and say thank you. It gets her out of the frustration and sometimes I even get a sweet kiss.

I'm just an old granny now, but you might have the child checked by the doctor to see if the toddler is in any pain or particular stress. Also be sure to watch your child at play with others, even adults, to see if someone is hitting him or frightening him. L. L.

Hello L., You may want to read, "Time-In: When Time-Out Doesn't Work," by Jean Illsley Clarke. Keep breathing and staying with yourself. And, remember that the best way to teach compassion is to model it. Love yourself and your son and know you will find your way. ~T.

The only thing I can think of to add to what you are doing is to make sure you are eye-level with your child and that you are making direct eye-contact when you tell him 'no' and that it hurts. This has worked for me in the past.

Hi L.,
a 19 month old really doesn't respond to any kind of reasoning or time out yet. He's just too young. He's not got the control over his behavior that an older child would have. At this age, you can redirect a child pretty easily (of course, I can say that! My children are older now and I am not pregnant!). You could try just simply saying to him that "it looks like we need something for your hands to do" and then have something ready. If you spend a little time first thinking about this and have a few things ready, it will help when you are tired and not able to think quickly on the spot! At the same time, I always will say something like, "We take care of each other. Our hands are gentle." And say it firmly but with warmth.
Some examples of good things for the hands to do: helping with simple chores like putting away cans of food in the cupboard or carrying laundry to the laundry room with you (I purposely try to choose something that has some weight to it - it helps to calm most children). Also, getting him started building with a few chairs and a blanket. Often a little hiding place is appreciated - not too big! Helping to knead bread dough is also good!
T.

about me: I am a retired early childhood educator, have raised three children, including one with sensory processing issues and one with epilepsy.

Coming from a grandma who did it all wrong with my own children, I think the best thing to do is to give hugs, smiles and a feeling of not being angry. It feels like he may be learning some emotional triggers, when you get angry or show him it hurts he learns the emotion you feel. I found with my grandchildren that being firm about unacceptable behaviors and then letting it go gets the best results. Keep it positive and divert his attention to something else. Probably just an attention-getting behavior and behaviors are never permanent unless we reinforce them. Sorry to say I discovered this because my son was handling the same issue with his 3 year old in much the same way as you describe, getting the same results. She has since overcome the urge with a little detachment and positive reinforcement. You do have to be consistent and let him know its not okay, but changing his attention to something else, or giving him your attention in a positive way may be all it takes to get the emotional "collusion" on the right track.

One thing that worked very well is STAY CONSISTANT, continue to be firm. I would gently hold their hand and caress my face and say gentle every time. I also showed them what gentle was on their face, with their own hand. But whatever you choose to do stick with it because it is not acceptable. K

I am a grandmother raising a 2 year old granddaughter and I am going through the very same thing. It is very embarrassing, to say the least when she hits me in public. We get all the stares. I know that this is a phase and she will outgrow it. I usually choose to ignore her and have done everything you have done, also. My pastor's wife has a son like that and she usually is able to calm him down, but when he is unmanageable, she also chooses to ignore him. It eventually dissipates. Let's just hope this phase passes quickly. I know it will as the children get older and understand right from wrong by watching other children their age. Hope I helped a little. K.C.

If he is hitting when he is excited he probably isn't meaning to actually hurt anyone. I am a mother of four and my older 3 went through this and my 14m is starting to. What has always worked for me is just taking their hand they hit me with and put it up high and say ya like they threw their hand up in the air. That way they know it is ok to be excited but by redirecting the hit to positive and not neg. attention. They stopped preety quick. With my oldest I did what you are saying you did and it just made it worse until I did the redirecting. Works GREAT!

L., with my 3 babies, I have seen this hitting thing with each son, but not my daughter, (These boys!!!) and can tell you that it's all about "cause and effect." Their understanding of what are "unacceptable" or "negative" behaviors or how they may be in control is still developing. They do, however, understand that mom reacts in one way or another....and that's entertainment!

The thing that worked best with mine is to stay really matter-of-fact, say no, and put your child down. Don't get animated, laugh, or get "scoldy." It will only make the phase last longer because baby is after mom's attention. So, give him the attn. in a pro-active way. You may start by noticing when the hitting happens. Is it while you're doing something else? If you find certain moments when baby hits, you could be proactive and find something for baby to do before you launch into your dishes, bills, or work. If you can't see a real pattern with the hitting, you may also try re-directing your son into something else he can do with his hands, like getting out the stacking blocks, helping you put something away, or giving a hug instead of a hit. If none of these things seem to help, the best you can do is just stay calm and know that this is normal, you're not doing anything wrong, and the fact that you care enough to write in probably means you're a caring parent and do a great job! So, relax and know it won't go on forever. He could just be after your reaction. Hope this helps:)

I have a 27 month old who has been doing that...as well as throwing things. All I can say is stick with the timeouts. Be consistent - give one warning and if he doesn't listen, give him a timeout.

Another thing with boys I have noticed - they are very physical. They need someone to wrestle with or something to do (i.e. playdough). Make sure he is getting one on one time - I know my son tends to hit and throw more when he wants my attention - which he can't always have since he has a younger brother.

Just be consistent. Pick one thing to do, in my opinion, saying "no we don't hit, it hurts" and redirecting him would be the best thing at his age. Do not hit him. Even if you think it "shows" him that it hurts in his mind it just shows him that you hit, so he can too. I tend to think he is a little young for time out. At his age he doesn't really understand what time out means. If you do choose to do it though, only do it for a minute to a minute and a half.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things already. My son went through the same thing at the same age and it was just a phase, it lasted until he was almost two. I would tell my son at playgroup if he hits anyone we would have to leave. I remember just arriving at a playgroup and he hit someone so we left, he didn't even get time to play and he was mad! Just keep persevering and he will catch on eventually. Good Luck!

You're right. This is a phase. He could be acting out of frustration. He has a limited vocabulary and can't express what he wants or feels. So he hits because he gets a response. Help him express himself. Give him choices. For example, "do you want the ball or the truck?" Or give him yes or no questions. Also, he doesn't know how to handles his emotions --- good or bad. Be a role model for him. For example, when you're happy clap your hands. When you're mad stomp your feet. You're doing the right thing with telling him no and putting him in time out. Make sure the consequences are immediate and consistent. But he's still young enough that he's not understanding the consequences. It's going to take a lot of repetition and time. You could also refocus him. Redirect him to another activity. I like this book series ... "Hands are not for hitting." "Feet are not for kicking." "Teeth are not for biting." Etc. Also, try and figure out what is setting him off? Does he need more attention? Since you're a working mom, make your time with him count. Maybe he's bored. Give him structured activities. Maybe he needs a physical outlet. Kids need exercise. I have 2 boys. I know where you're coming from.

My 16 month old began being aggressive when we first started day care. With only two afternoons a week, his behavior changed instantly. I realized there was another child there that tended to be a bit violent. I understand these are trials we have to go through with stages of ages but as soon as we switched our daytime situation, it stopped. Of course you may not be able to do this, I would go early and stay a little late to watch the other children there. Hopefully your provider can support your child during this learning process.
I also have to remember to not respond with anger or despair. My girlfriend said to wear your poker face during hard times. I ignore him and tend to the other child he hit or grabbed. If it's me or poppo, I do take him to his crib even though I hate associating it as a negative place.
Best to you

Obviously, you are doing all you can as far as disapline. Try distracting him and focusing on good behavier. Find something that always interests him and show some interest yourself. Make a bigger deal about the good behavior. Do HIGH FIVE, indstead of hitting, and make a huge deal about the high five!! I have a 20 month old girl, and she is starting to say no to everything and find things she can do to get my attention when she thinks she's not getting enough. So, I found that the best thing to do is to humor her in any way I can to promote good behavior. I have a hard time not making a big deal about her throwing food on the floor, so guess what her favorite thing is. So now, I have to pay more attention when she's done eating and wants to "play."
Does your son give high fives yet?
Try something like that instead. Happy parenting!

L.,
My son went through this, too, after being exposed to another child who treated him to that behavior. My friend's suggestion, which worked pretty well with her kid and mine, was to tell the child "I'll have to put you down if you're going to hit" (if he's sitting on your lap) or something like that. It lets them know that other people have the choice of being around him or not.
Later, I once pretended to cry, and that melted my son...he hasn't hit me since.
My son pushes (but doesn't usually hit) others occasionally, still. But, he's grown into a going-on-three-year-old who easily says he's "sorry" and offers a hug and a kiss when he's done something like that.

My son did the same thing only he was biting. he would get excited and then just chomp! It actually was a short phase. If it makes you feel better, you are probably doing all the right things. I always took my kids hand, held on to it and petted my face, or his and said, Niiiicce. They sometimes thought that was funny and it carried over well in other things too.

When my son was in the right mood, like when we were reading books or something, I would take his hand and stroke it on my arm and say "Gentle" or "Nice touch" to him. After a while (okay a long time), he started to associate those words with a gentle touch. Then, when I could see that he was getting wound up, and possibly ready to hit, one of us would remind him to be gentle. You also need to catch him being good a lot. When you see him holding a toy gently, or treating a pet properly or when he touches you gently, you need to praise him alot.

You just have to be patient and consistent. Put him down and away from you when he hits. That will drive the point home more then anything. If he goes to reach up and hit, nicely but firmly take his hand and so "no hitting" and set him away from you. Just keep on it, it will sink in. If he does it to anyone else, get him away from them and do not allow attention until he stops. It is a phase, my son used to grab my hair, it took me like three months and a lot of hair loss before he got the message but he hated me putting him away from me and figured it out!

Just be patient and keep doing what you are doing. Toddlers don't have the self control to consistently do what they know is right. The self control will come in time. I think time outs are very effective for hitting. Also, if he ever hits another child while they are playing the most effective thing to do is pack up and go home. Make sure he really understands why he is going home or why he is getting a time out. Many little kids aren't sure why they are getting punished so the punishment doesn't do any good. Tell him, in very simple and short terms (no lecturing), what he did wrong when you put him in time out and when he is done with the time out.

My middle girl did the same thing. The only thing I can offer is to keep doing what you're doing. Consistency is key! I also want to recommend a book I wish I would have known about before going through so many things such as this.. The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp. Check your local library. Good luck!

watch out if you don't get it under control you are in for the worst nightmare you can imagine. He is looking for attention. Try finding a positive way to give him time and talk about being a big boy. put him in time out were he can not look around and see what is going on and don't make a big seen or raise your voice. make him invisible. when he is bad.

L., I have to tell you, that sometimes as moms we expect to much from our children. I started doing the same thing you're doing with my oldest son (now 5 yrs.) and since my reaction to the misbehavior was soo bad (timeouts, "firmly" no's, even hitting him back), he kept on doing it. Nothing could stop the misbehavior. One day he hit this poor litle kid on the face and it wasn't until that I started wondering what I was doing wrong. I finally started reading "Love and Logic magic for early childhood" and believe me, that totally changed my attitude towards my little one. Your son is too little to actually realize what he's doing. Don't react too much to his behavior. Distract his attention. Don't compare him to others. He's too little to be put in time out. He doesn't get the idea yet. It won't be until he's about 2 1/2 or 3 that he will actually realize that hitting hurts. I'm a mom of three boys, and my other two are totally different because I changed my discipline methods. I hope this helps. Check out their web-site:
www.loveandlogic.com

I'm wondering how it was that you showed him that it hurts. It is not okay to show him by hurting him - that will just compound the problem. I would isolate him from people whenever he does this and say something like, "time for a little time alone, until you can be sweet." Say the same phrase each and every time he does this, until he stops the behhavior! If he hits you on the way to isolation, turn his body away from you and carry him facing forward. Good luck!

I have to say I had a similar problem except that my son was biting. I think something that may help is try fake crying show him that he is hurting not only you physically but your feelings as well. Hold your arm or head and just sit and cry have your husband explain to your son that he hurt you and he needs to apologize while you give him a sad look. I hope that helps, it is what finally got my son to stop biting.

According to Supernanny, you shouldn't be hitting your child. That just reinforces the bad behavior. He should be put in time out. Give him a warning before doing so. If he continues, he goes straight into time out (a corner or step or specific place on the floor). You shouldn't send them to their rooms for time out because you want that to be a place that they're happy so they'll go to bed. Also, if he's two, he should only be in time out for 2 minutes. 1 minutes for each year of age. When you put him in time out tell him that you're putting him there and then ignore him until his time is up. If he gets out of the spot, put him back but don't say anything and start the time once he stays in place. Afterwards, get down on his level. Don't talk to him while you're standing because it seems like you're trying to dominate him. Sit down on the ground or put him on your lap and explain to him why he was in time out. Ask for an apology. End with hugs and kisses and let him go play. The key is consistency. Warn, and then punish. Don't ignore it half the time and then blow it out of proportion the other half. Address the issue each time.

I was a nanny for several small children whose parents were completely clueless. This method worked after only a few days of consistency. Don't get frustrated, don't get angry, and don't show him it hurts. The goal is not to reinforce the bad behavior but to punish lovingly (hence the hugs and kisses). Good luck!