My 11-month old used to pat me. Now she hits, hard, in the face. And when I tell her "No" for hitting me in the face or take something away from her or anything that seems to make her mad, she sort of yells/grunts and hits me in the face even harder! It's this ridiculous cycle of "No" - hit "No" - hit until I can get a free hand to hold onto her hands so she can't hit me anymore. Then she cries and I am consoling her. It hurts, too - my eye is still sore where she hit me 2 days ago. So for lots of reasons I need to stop this, but I don't know how. Does anyone have ideas? Thanks!
Mom of 4 kids here....and a former behavioral specialist for adolescents.
When she hits you, tell her "no hitting" and put her in her bed then walk away. Walking away tells her that her behavior will not warrant interaction with you. If you cannot put her in her bed, put her on the floor and walk away...you must ignore her for at least 5 minutes. Don't look at her, talk to her, or try to console her tears.
Nanc
The crying is a GOOD thing. You WANT her to associate feeling badly with hurting someone. Empathy is a LEARNED trait. It's the absolute foundation between either spanking or timeouts. You cause her pain (physical or emotional) in response to her causing you or others pain. The brain then associates doing something "wrong" with feeling badly about it.
Show her what gentle is when she NOT hitting upset. Patting at different strengths. Gentle, too hard, no. Gentle, too hard, no. Smile with gentle, frown and look upset with too hard.
And then when she DOES hit you when she's upset, you go with your preferred method for teaching right and wrong. Either set her down (in her crib would be my first choice) with an unhappy look on your face saying "No. Too hard. No hitting. You HURT mommy." and WALK AWAY (ideally go about your daily business where she can see you and can't get to you) for a few minutes. You really, really, really WANT those tears... OR cause her physical pain (slapping her hand).
Those aren't the only choices you have... but those are the two that will teach her empathy for others.
BEFORE you console her, make sure she's doing the baby version of "sorry".
But each and every single time... swift and immediate justice.
Oh my. She doesn't know her own strength. You have to teach her what gentle is. I suggest that you stop saying No! That gives her no information. Instead immediately grab her hand and say no hitting. Then say be gentle and softly pat your face with her hand. If she hits again, put her down. Do not give her an opportunity to hit again. It might help to always put her down with the first hit. Then follow that up with a "lesson" on how to pat gently.
I'd also be sure no one is hitting her. She may be doing what she's seen someone else do.
When she hits in anger, definitely protect yourself first. Grab her arm. Take immediate action. Put distance between yourself and her. And in a calm voice say no hitting. Teach her ways to express her anger. Start with acknowledging that she's angry. "I know you're angry. No hitting mama. Hit this pillow."
Also try redirecting her activity in such a way that she doesn't get angry. Instead of taking something away from her, give her something that is acceptable. That sort of thing.
Remember she is just a baby and hasn't learned how to get along. It's up to you to teach her.
Stop saying "no." Instead you very calmly but firmly say, "We don't hit. Hitting hurts." Then you get up and move away from her. Every single time she does it. She'll be smart enough to associate the fact that hitting elicits a behavior she doesn't like... mommy moves away. Do NOT soothe her. Let her work it out. And be consistent.
We've been teaching our LO "gentle" since he was little, little ... we are consistent with the word (and insist our family is also consistent) and apply it to everything from petting the critters, touching hair, patting anyone / anything, and even the pretty "look ats" and Christmas tree. LO may not have know what it meant in the beginning, but through consistency and demonstration, he's caught on. Since your LO is 11 months old now, perhaps you can start with "gentle" (or some other word you like better) and demonstration and when she doesn't comply, redirection is the best course. Put her down in someplace safe (we use the pak n play) and walk away for a minute or so. She'll cry, but it's only for a minute or two, and with consistent reinforcement, she will begin to understand.
She needs to learn her behavior is not acceptable, and you are her teacher. Don't allow her to hit you a second time, since you know she gets mad you need to nip the behavior in the bud the first time she does it. Since trying to get hold of her hands to hold them has turned into a ridiculous cycle when she hits you say "No," quickly and calmly pick her up from behind with one arm down across the front of her body so she can flail all she wants but not hit you, and take her and place her in her pack n play or crib where she can still see you but is missing out on being with you. Of course she'll be mad and more than likely cry, but she will learn with your consistent reaction that her action has a consequence she doesn't like. Also introduce gentle touching to her, but use this along with her removal from you so she starts to put 2 and 2 together.
I don't know what to tell you, but just know that you aren't the only one. I'm going through this right now with my 14 month old and have been for a long time. I've tried everything!
Grabbing his hands and saying no hitting
Teaching him to be gentle (It worked with the cat but not with me)
Pretending to be crying so that he knows how much it hurt me
Ignoring him after he hit me
Time Outs
Hell, I even tried hitting him back (Very lightly, barely enough to sting... Another mom on here suggested it and I was desperate). He just thought that that was hilarious and started hitting more.
So when you find something that works, let me know. I'm tired of having to explain my bruises! Lol
One thing I do is try to watch for the raised hand and try to intercept it with a high five. I say, "We can slap hands for a high five, but we use gentle touches everywhere else and we use words when we feel frustrated." I think when my daughter gives a high five, she works out some of her frustration. Also, get "Hands are not for hitting" from the library -- it helps to have another source of authority telling her the rules. Then I also have a massage toy I keep around that I let her rub my back with to give me "warm fuzzies" instead of "cold pricklies" -- most of the time, she just wants to get my attention when she hits, and so I will stop what I am doing and give her full attention when she wants to rub my back.
Nancy B. is right. Removing her from your attention is the best way. But I would grab her hands first, not hard, but not really gentle, and say to her "Hands are for helping, not hurting." Do it every time. She will not understand it for a long time, but it's part of her training. Then put her in the play pen and walk away.
No more consoling her when she cries because she can't hit you or because you take away something. She will not learn the lesson if you console her.
She's little, but now is the time to start disciplining. That doesn't mean punish. The two are not the same.
Dawn
My son was the same way, he is 4 now but he went through that faze. I put him on "time out" his room no toys or tv for about 10 min or his fav blankie and told him why he got put there on the first place, then once it was time for him to get out of time out I reminded him once again why he was there and if he does it again he would be on time out.
Sometimes he would forget and remember right away so he would say sorry, however I would put him on time out any way so he would know that just because he said sorry does not make it ok to repeat bad behavior. They don't like it but he no longer hits anyone in the house or his nanny. Good luck
ok, you new age parents, time to hit the delete key.. the next time your kid punches you, turn them over your knee, paddle their bottom once or twice, turn them loose, and tell them, goodbye tv and computer time for the next month.their behavior is getting worse because they are not being punished for it, no punishment, no consequences equals escalation. tread carefully, alot of the time nowadays, when a woman shows up in public with a black eye and or bruises, people instantly think.. battered woman, and will call the the police and social services, all without stopping to ask you what happened first
K. h.
here is how i know, our daughter, at 9 months, gave me a black eye by hitting me in the face with her foot,( chalk it up to an accident),
her father and i couldnt go out without some halfwit cornering me, telling me, '' dont cover up for him, tell me what really happened " and this one woman FOLLOWED me around for 30 minutes, refusing to listen to me when i told her repeatedly that our daughter was the one that hit me, not her father, we finally had to get up and leave the restaurant because this
woman "offered" to call the police
Grab her hands firmly and get down and look into her eyes and say "no hit, ouch hurts". If she hits again - leave. She will not want to loose you as a playmate, so take yourself away.
