Dealing with My Chain Smoking Mom

Hi. You have to look out for yourself and not worry about "hurting" your parents. If it's important to you not to be around the smoke, then stay elsewhere. I don't think it's fair to ask someone to change their behaviors in their own home. Good luck.

First and foremost - you have to think about the health of your child and your own health and second-hand smoke is just as bad as you smoking yourself. Explain to your mother that when she is with you, you will appreciate it if she smokes outside the home that you are in. If she isn't willing to do that, explain that you have to be a mother first, and then a daughter, and you have to take care of your child by not being around the smoke at all. She will love her grandchild and hopefully that will be enough to make her understand. Honesty is always the best policy and I think as long as you're honest with her - she cannot fault you. Again - you have to do what is best for your child FIRST and then think about others. That is what life becomes once you have a child! Good luck.

To me, there is simply no compromise on this. Would you allow your mother to drive with your child unrestrained? Would you allow her to take the baby out on a cold day naked? You have to think about what is best for the child and obviously, you know, that smoking is dangerous. It is dangerous for you too. What a lot of people fail to realize is that the carcinogens from cigarettes do not disappear when the smoke fades. The clothes your mother wears, her furniture, etc. all still contain the toxic chemicals. It's a dangerous situation for you and your child to be in and you should make it known to your mother. Any parent should understand.

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all is going as smooth as possible for you! Second, I know how you feel. My mother is a SERIOUS chain smoker (the ironic thing is that she uses oxygen and a nebulizer...then after that...she lights up!) Anyways, I'm getting off on the subject at hand. Though I don't visit my mother often, I had to have a sit down talk with her and since I don't smoke myself she sort of understood a bit. I basically told her flat out I didn't want her smoking around me and the baby when we visited (both when I was pregnant and now). During the day, she doesn't mind going outside while we are visiting (even in the cold). But, at night, I sort of let her get away with smoking around me after the baby is put to bed in the other end of the house with the door just about closed all the way. I kjnow it may be hard to ask your mom to go outside and smoke (especially in her own home) and it is definitely a sticky subject to a smoker who really can't give it up. I hope this may help you a little bit. Basically, the idea of my story is see if you can negotiate something. Otherwise, tell her she can't see you or her grandchild (though that is meant for a joke more than a serious threat). :-) Good Luck!

My parents smoked their whole lives, tried to quit many times unsuccessfully. But when I was pregnant with my first, my parents knew I didn't want to be around them when they smoked. Having a grandchild was a motivation, and they both quit the month our first daughter was due. Now it is 5 1/2 years later, they have 3 beautiful granddaughters, and they are still non-smokers. I hope your mom can consider the same, even though it is very hard to do!

For your sake, and the baby's sake, hold your ground. You need to gently explain (and keep explaining over and over) that being around smoke is bad for your and you baby's health. You are the person that your baby relies on to protect her, so if that means having issues with your parents, then so be it. You have a very important job now.

You might have a look at the American Lung Association's website for info. My sister-in-law works for them, and I am learning a LOT about the different things that can happen in your body due to poor air environment. These facts might help you explain things to your mom.

Great job in addressing this issue before the baby is born so you aren't imposing surprise standards on your mom when your mom really wants to be around the baby!

I'm on your side M.! Now I preface all I'm about to say with the fact that I obviously don't know you or your mother. But quite frankly, I'd rather hurt my mother's feelings than hurt my baby!!

Perhaps if it you approached her with something like . . . "Mom, I know you like to smoke in your house and that's certainly your right. But if that's the case, we'll just stay elsewhere since I don't want any smoke around my child." So that kinda puts the burden/choice back on her of whether or not she'll smoke in the house and/or around the baby. Grandparent-hood has its priveledges (SP?) that can quickly be revoked once golden rules are broken!

Good luck! That would certainly drive me nuts!!

If you read Maura's response the the BFing/weaning question, you will see that she is clearly not a peds pulmonologist, or any other type of medical professional. She describes extended BFing as culturally backward and totally icky.

Hi M., As you know, smoking is an addiction and it is very difficult for someone to quit. Your mother can only do it when she is ready. What you can do is let her know that you love her and are concerned about her health. The National Cancer Institute has many resources to help smokers quit: http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/smoking. My husband also found that accupucture helped allieviate nicotine cravings. He has not smoked for two years.

You may or may not be able to affect your mother's behavior, but you can change yours. Second hand smoke is a health hazard for you and your unborn baby:
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/secondhandsmoke.html. Let your mother know that you need to protect your health and your baby's. Do not stay at her home if she is smoking. Do not let her smoke in your home, car or anywhere indoors with you. Assure her that you understanding her feelings may be hurt for awhile, but that you love her and want her to be around to hold that happy and healty baby of yours. Good luck, M. E.

It is hard and I consider this a growing pain as mother and daughter but your health comes first and then your child. We just needed to name our needs to my parents (son is highly allergic and asthma) who have dogs and smoke. We do not stay with them and find a suite/hotel so that we all can gather and enjoy our selves. We have to spend the money but that is the compromise we make. It is hard and I consider it all a growing pain as the daughters of mothers grow! Good luck.

Wow, What a pickle you are in. You love your mom but your baby will soon be your #1 priority. Maybe try taking her to a Dr appointment with you and let the Dr know ahead of time to talk about the risk that smoking can do to you and the baby. Research has now said that even third hand smoking is harmful..that means that even is she smoked in her car on the way over to see you and the baby and did smoke the whole time there the smoke left on her clothes could harm the baby and anyone else for that matter that she comes in contact with. I know she is your mother but it really comes down to her bad habit or the welfare of your baby....hands down I would risk hurt feelings for my baby's health. Best of luck to you, Dense

Think of your child's health and safety and tell your mother what you told us. If she can't comply with a request that is not unreasonable then either stay someplace else or don't visit.

We had a rule, if you smoke you don't get to be near OR touch our baby. Some people thought it was ridiculas but it's my choice.

My dad, my aunt and my uncle all chain smoke. It was really hard, but I asked my dad not to smoke in his own house when our son visited. He shocked me by agreeing and even expressing an interest in quitting altogether. Believe me when I tell you, going into another room-even to another floor-of the house doesn't cut it. The effects of second hand smoke are detrimental to a baby's health. Studies have shown the infants decreased lung capacity while someone is in the next room with the doors shut smoking.

You're just going to have to tell her you can't expose your helpless baby to possible harm and if that means you can't stay with her because she isn't willing to smoke outside, then that is ultimately her choice. I know how hard it is to say that. I was so nervous to talk to my dad I had knots in my stomach for a week! Good luck and be strong! Your baby deserves it and so do you.

Hi M.,
My children are now grown, but I had the same problem when I was pregnant with them. I always had a seat outside with a table next to it for my mom to go have a smoke when she needed to. I told her that I didn't allow smoking in my home or in my car. At her own place was nothing that I could do about, so I pretty much didn't visit her when I was pregnant. We did things together, and she was well aware of how I felt (since she smoked when she was pregnant with me and I was a preemie and almost died as an infant) about smoking and pregnancy, so she tried to be thoughtful about it. My mom just survived aortic and breast cancer, and still smokes - but much less :-( She is still not allowed to smoke in my house, and even smokes outside at her own house since my dad doesn't like it. She has to understand and honor your wishes, and you have to be vigilant since your's and your child's health are at stake. Be firm, tell her very clearly how you feel (you are going to be your child's advocate for the rest of your life, so now is a great time to start).
Good luck - if she loves you she will understand - so I'm sure she will!
J. Z.

I think you should definitely be firm about it... and by the way, it's not just smoking outside of the house that effects newborns, it's having the residual tabacco smoke on their person. You'll see that the pediatrician will regularly ask you if there is anyone around your baby who smokes. Anyway, if I were you, I would insist that not only she smokes outside but also washes her hands and changes her clothes before handling your child.

"Without getting into [her] background" Maura F. must either be a pediatric pulmonologist or a Philip Morris researcher. Wonder which it is....

Since you are pregnant now and about to be a mom, you have to do what it best for you and your baby. You need to explain to her that even though you know she doesn't intend to hurt you, that exposure to second-hand smoke increases the risk of asthma and lung infections to the baby. Tell her that you are not trying to hurt her feelings, and you respect her right to smoke in her own home, but for safety and health reasons, you will not be staying with her. I hate to point this out, but if she smokes in her home even in another room, the smoke and toxins stay in the soft surfaces of the house. It's not really a safe place for you and your child to stay, even if she's smoking outside while you are there. You can bring her articles about it. I have a son with asthma (not due to 2nd-hand smoke) and it's scary, sad, and expensive to treat. I'm sure your mom will realize that you are not trying to insult her or change her ways, but you have to do the right thing for your little one. SHe should also change her clothes before holding the baby. Good luck!

She will not change unless you have a very uncomfortable conversation - even then she might not. We have the SAME problem. And although we had the conversation and it was rough...time went by. But now she starts slipping. Even if your mom smoked outside ALL the time when you visit...everything you own will smell when you leave. We have tried twice to stay at our in-laws when we visit back home and although she doesn't smoke around our son...we have to live out of the car and then pack everything in trash bags on the way home and even then our luggage has to sit outside for days to air out....if the smell of smoke bothers you in the least - YOU CANNOT STAY WITH HER. We have tried everything to keep the smell off our stuff but it is IMPOSSIBLE. You will just have to come together and both you and your husband have to talk to her - must be a joint decision. It is tough and uncomfortable and I LOVE my mother-in-law. But the smell stays with you, your kid, clothes, toys, hair, blankets etc. If you think the conversation will be too hard....let it slide for now (bc she is trying) because once the baby comes - you will have the baby in hand to use as your reason for the conversation and separation.'
My heart goes out to you because we have been and still are in your EXACT situation and it is not easy. Best of luck to you!

I see that you have already gotten many good responses. I encourage you to be strong and protect your child's health and remember that you can't change anyone else's behavior unless they are motivated to change it themselves. Smoking is a horrible addiction, and we went through a smiliar situation with my mother-in-law who eventually developed emphysema and COPD. Today I am typing this response from a hotel room in OH, where my three year old and I are staying while hospice staff disconnect my mother-in-law from a venitlator at her home. Smoking killed her, and she was so addicted that she couldn't stop even once she was on oxygen and had a trach. She smoked her last cigarette yesterday. We said our goodbyes last night and will continue to help our child cope with this loss. What a sad, yet preventable, situation. I wish you well and hope that your sitution will have a very different outcome.

I know that you are worried about hurting your parents but because they are not hearing what you are saying, you might have to just be up front and tell them that you will not tolerate smoking around you or the baby and that for future visits, it would be best if you stayed elsewhere. I went through this with my parents and my mother complied but it was always and issue with my dad. He was mad at me, but I stood my ground, it was my child, not only that, it was my asthmatic child! Every single time we would go to their house, he would wheeze the rest of the night, and then have to be put on nebulizer treatments. He would stink and have to be bathed as soon as we arrived home. His blanket and toys and jacket would have to be washed. It was awful and they only lived 10 min. away! I got tired of this routine, and had to put an end to it. Just remember that even if she smokes outside, it is still on her and her clothes and in her house. Be proactive for you and your baby's health! Good luck!

"I'm considering not staying with my parents when we visit from now on, but I know that would hurt my parents immensely." I don't mean to sound harsh, so please don't take this the wrong way, but tough for them. When my husband, daugher and I go home to visit my parents, we don't stay with either set of grandparents, we go to a hotel. I realize that it hurts their feelings, but our daughter (who is also the first grandchild on both sides) is more important than ANYONE's hurt feelings. Period, end of story. My father also smokes so I know what you are going through. However you know what is best for your baby. It's difficult to tell someone what to do in their own home so I think that you're doing the right thing. Sounds like a you are a great mom already!