Chain Smoker Father-in-law

So let me get this straight: you'd rather suffer from allergies and risk your children's health than request that he smoke in another room? Interesting.

Let him scream. You'll live.

Unlike what a previous poster said it isn't just a bad habit. It's not like he picks his nose and you are annoyed by it. Smoking is a serious health risk. I have a grandpa that died of lung cancer from smoking and a grandma with emphysema. Why would we expose our kids to that. When my hubby's grandparents come down I will ask him not to smoke anywhere near my son or me. He will have to go out in the cold just the like neighbor does at his house. As for the question "How do you breathe any air in our environment?" the air isn't filled with nasty second hand smoke. To that poster...YOU choose to smoke...I choose NOT to. Don't force me or my kids to share your bad air!

Sorry to air this out in public but it is a really big hot button for me!

My dad is a big smoker, and we have had issues in the past about his smoking--he gets mad when I tell him I don't like it, etc. So I was concerned too that when I was pregnant he would get upset about my asking him to stop, at least in front of me.
However, I had to put my daughterly guilt feelings aside and think of my health and my baby's health and asked him to stop and told him the reasons why. He was annoyed, but has NEVER smoked in front of me since. When he smokes he goes outside, even in his own house when we visit. MY kids have not seen him have a cigarrette (which I know must be difficult for him because he is a chain smoker, too).

So, if you have a good relationship with your FIL, I would suggest you ask him and tell him the reasons why. What I think would be better, though, is if you and your husband did it together and presented a unified front on this.

Smoking is a choice, and you are not asking him to stop smoking, you are simply asking him to not smoke near your kids for their health--they are not choosing to smoke.

Also, my thought when I got my first house was that it's my house and I can require of people what I want--so I demanded he not smoke in my home even before I was pregnant (that's when we fought, but he didn't do it!).

Your FIL should have enough respect for you and your kids that he will make these small concessions when you are around.

Good luck!

I read most of the responses you have gotten, most have pretty good ideas. I would ask them to come visit at your house, that way he already knows he has to go outside to smoke. If you must continue the visits at thier house, you really should stand up for your children and ask him not to smoke in the same room. It's bad enough that you have to smell it in their house and go home and change clothes, as I always do when I'm around smoke. My son is more important than anyone who feels they have the right to contaminate his little body with those carcinogins. Make sure he knows it is not about him, it's about the second hand smoke you all have to breath. If you continue to take your kids there and he does not change, you are more guilty than he is because you are then making that bad choice. We do not take our son anywhere inside where there is smoking allowed, I will only tolerate it if we are outside and he's not in the direct path.
Good luck.

My mother is a serious smoker. I finally just told her that if she was going to smoke in the house while I was there, then I wouldn't come over anymore. She started smoking outside while my family was there. Just tell your father in law that you and the children have allergies and that while you respect his choice to smoke, you don't want to be breathing in all the second hand smoke. If he can't or won't smoke outside while you are there, move the visits to your home. Tell him that there is no smoking in your home. He's more than welcome to step outside though. Second hand smoke is very dagerous and deadly. The health of you and your children comes before his right to smoke. I doubt that he'll choose cigarettes over visits with his grandchildren.

I had this same issue with both my in-laws. My FIL in very subborn, but this is a health issue. Since they are my husband's parents, so I let him deal with them. But basically we set the rules to protect our children. If you come to my house, there is absolutely no smoking. If you want to see your grandchildren ever at your house, please smoke outside(another room isn't even good enough)or we won't be coming over. My daughter is 6 and it has not been a problem since.

Alina,

If it were me, I wouldn't go to visit anymore. The house must reek anyway. I'm sure your clothes smell when you get home. Ew. Have the gatherings at your house where you make the rules and one is "no smoking". Just because he chooses to smoke, you and your kids shouldn't suffer the consequences. I don't even want smokers holding my 4 month because he can inhale the second hand smoke from their clothes. Some may think I'm over the top, but there are SO many things we cannot protect our kids from in this world, I just like to do what I can with the things we CAN protect them from.

T.

If it were me, I'd stop visiting him until he decides to consider your childrens' best interests. There's more than enough factual information out there to support how bad secondhand smoke is for others.

At least your FIL gets a filter for some of the crap he's putting into his body - that's more than you and your kids get. If you can't stop visiting him (yeah, I know, tough to do), then maybe you insist all the visiting is either at your house or in a public place.

This isn't about making him feel bad; it is about preserving the health of your children.

You got some great responses. I too have a MIL that chose to smoke when we visited. I finally told her that I don't allow smoking around my kids. She said "I can do what ever I want in my home". Well, that was over 2 yrs ago and my children will NEVER set foot in there again!!!! When she tried to invite us I just told her why. She has stopped inviting us. Fine with me! She comes here to see the kids when she wants now. My kids are my life. We are their only protection when they are so young. My own father goes outside to smoke! It's called respect!
I would not put my kids into a car knowing someone is drunk; would you??? Your choice.
H., mom to four healthy kids!

Google 'second hand smoke". Find a simple straightforward article, print it up and hand it to the person who is doing this. I agree that you don't address his personal addiction.
That is his problem and his choice....just don't send me the insurance bill. Bottom line a "nice person" does not do this.
You would have to live under a rock not to know this is very harmful to those around. Protect your children, protect yourself. If he refuses, then your family is NOT a priority for him. Don't present yourself to a dangerous situtation.
Lastly, as far as the "government" allowing the sale of cigarettes, why don't we also restrict available food so no one gets fat......outlaw alcohol to prevent DUIs.....well you get the picture. There are numerous ways we can harm ourselves and we alone are responsible for those choices.

I would ask for the sake of the 13 yr old more than anything. Right now is when so many things influence his decision. I would ask that your FIL be a role model and at the very least not allow the children to see him smoking.

I started smoking when I was 13, I quit a few years ago though.

You say he's nice, but you're afraid he'll scream? My husband's family is the same way. He always asks them......have your husband ask.

Seriously? He would really speak to you like that? There's no way I would spend my time around abusive people like that. Good luck.

If he's a nice person, do you really think he'll say "if you don't like it, get out of my house!"...and if he does really say that, do you really want to stay in the house? Personally I'd stay at a hotel because you are endangering your children and your own life for the sake of his feelings. Besides, you never know, he might surprise you and say "no problem, I'll just smoke outside while you are here."

I would ask nicely that he not smoke. If he has a fit, I would just not go over there.
It is my humble opinion that you are jeopardizing your children's health by exposing them to secondhand smoke.
Maybe they can visit you at your house in a clean healthy environment.

Honesty is always the best policy. Separate the behavior from the person. The simple technique is "When you do X, I feel Y, so please do Z." or "Gee Dad, when you smoke around me, the smoke irritates my lungs, and really exacerbates my allergies. So when I visit please smoke in (another room, on the porch, in the kitchen with the ventilator on, etc.)

Anticipate what he'd say, in reality.
Would it be a variant of what Chevy Chase used to say to Jane Curtin on Saturday Night Live? or would it be, more like, "Ya know I've smoked my whole life and no one has complained before?"

If it is, acknowledge what he must be feeling underneath his comment, such as "Wow Dad, it sounds like my request feels like a burden to you."
So how could we solve this problem? The smoke irritates my lungs and exacerbates my allergies. I don't like feeling sick. I know you aren't purposely smoking to make me sick.

How can you satisfy your needs at the same time that I satisfy mine?"

Does that give you some hints??
Try some role plays with your friends or with your husband.
First be yourself, then try to play the role of your father in law.

There is no "right" way to do this. Whatever works for you is your "right" way.

Tell me how it goes!

R.

Alina
My mom is like that and so is my mother in law. My husband and I stand our ground there is to be no smoking around our kids. If we walk in my moms house and she is smoking she is expected to put it out or go outside if not we turn around and leave. Same goes for his mom if they don't like it to bad those are my babies and they didn't ask me for lung cancer, asthma,or allergies just to name a few. Even though my mom is in the medical field she still doesn't see the harm in smoking around kids. I guess all the times my sister and I had ear infections and tubes in our ears and the allergies we developed were all just a fluke. No my kids mean too much to me to worry about if anyone gets mad at me for asking them to be courteous of my children then thats their problem. My husband and I both smoke outside never in the car and NEVER around our kids. I will never smoke around children or anyone else for that matter that asks me not to. Its about your kids health and if he can't understand that then his grandkids must not be that important to him. It wasn't easy for us but now that our parents are realizing that they don't see their grandkids they are starting to wake up and see that we mean what we say. If you need more advice let me know.

Gather all the info you can on second hand smoke and take it to him and ask nicely that he go over it and keep his indoor smoking to one room while you are there if he can't do it outside.
And, if he tells you to deal with it or leave, then by all means, leave! No fight over visits is worth your children's health. Tell him and your husband that if he wants to see them, he's welcome to come to your house, but he can't smoke there and you won't be visiting as long as he smokes in your children's presence.
Good Luck!

Take it from a person, who just quit smoking after smoking for 30 years. It is a habit that smokers are not proud of, it just is what it is. If you have allergies, than how do you breathe any air in our enviroment? I am sure there are things about you, that people don't care for, but, they deal with it, because they care for you. Respect that he is, who he is, and don't insult him, by complaining about his habits. It won't change anything, and nothing out of it, will be positive, that is for sure. There is nothing worse than people around you, complaining that your habit is disgusting. Smokers already know that, and smokers are not proud of the habit. Before you start complaining to him, why don't you write the government on why they continue to sell cigarettes, especially to the young people. Love him for who he is, habits and all, just like you want people around you, to love you for who you are, habits and all!

I had the same exact problem with my inlaws! But after acquiring a bad case of asthma I had no choice but to avoid second-hand smoke. If you tell your father in law (or tell your husband to)that when you took your kids in to the doctor for their allergies, your pediatrician made a comment to you about whether your kids were exposed to second hand smoke and you told him yes, he told you that your kids have to stay away from it because their allergies could turn into asthma (it's true, it can easily!) and that their allergies will just get worse. Now, my in-laws think it's b.s. that smoking causes asthma, but they do smoke outside now. Think about how hard you worked during your pregnancy to develop healthy kids with perfect lungs, etc. You don't need that compromised because other people are not aware of how dangerous second hand smoke is. The initial conversation is a bit uncomfortable but it's our responsibilty as moms to protect our kids. If your father in law blows up and says it's house, just tell him, yes, it is, but I have to do what's right for my kids and I don't want them to suffer from allergies if they don't have to, it's not personal. You'd be surprised, he might be ok with it, people are less likely to blow up if their is a medical reason behind something. Good Luck!

I think it's important that you and your husband be on the same page with this issue. If you are in agreement, both of you can talk to his father. Like a previous poster said, you aren't asking your FIL to quit, you are asking that he refrain from smoking around you and the kids. I do not feel that is an unreasonable request.

If you and your husband are not in agreement over this issue, then limiting your visits to warmer months or meeting in public places is the best option. Best of luck.

I would talk to him. Sit down with him. Tell him he has every right to smoke when and where he wants. What you are asking is to minimize it around you and the kids because of allergies and you don't want to punctuate your visit to his house with a visit to the Emergency room. This has nothing to do with personal preference, it has everything to do with the health of your family.
If he doesn't understand that then you look sadly at him and say, "I am sorry you feel that your smoking is more important to you than us, we will have to be limiting our time with you in your home". You will have to tell your husband in advance about this conversation, if he doesn't agree with you...well that is another blog...

I have not read other's responses but I am sure they are great, as always,but I just had to say something. No one, and I do mean NO ONE has the right to potentially give you or your children asthma, allergies or even cancer. This is really about determining what is good for your life and your children. Just say no! "No more smoking in my children's presence or mine!" I am a nurse and have seen many patients with illnesses from second-hand smoke. Even if he says something nasty when you tell him not to smoke like "this is my house and I will do what I want", simply say that this is for your family's benefit and that is all there is too it. Explain that you will not come to visit if he continues to chain-smoke in the house. Period. Your whole family will thank you.

I had a baby-sitter who would allow her brother to smoke in front of the kids she was sitting. It was really uncomfortable, but it's my job to make sure my child is safe, healthy, and happy. If someone wants to ruin their lungs, they can do it outside where they're not harming my child's lungs. I could have kicked myself for just assuming that everyone just knows to avoid second-hand smoke around children. So, one day, I called and spoke to my grandma, who helped me get up the nerve to call the baby-sitter and explain that I don't allow people to smoke around my child. I had to do this quite a few times, because every now and then her brother would start smoking in front of my child again. But the first phone call I made to her, I just informed her I need to discuss the smoking issue. And I told her I don't allow people to smoke in front of my child (she was a newborn at the time, too). I told her that research shows that babies exposed to second-hand smoke have higher rates of SIDS, and all children (babies and even through adulthood) who are exposed to second-hand smoke are more likely to develop allergies and asthma. Not only that, but I wanted to do everything I could to keep my child healthy and reduce her risk of one day developing lung cancer. She understood. It was actually harder to call her the couple more times I did to remind her that there's no smoking around my daughter. I mean, I walk into the house and it smells like smoke. And then I get my daughter in the car, and she smells like smoke. Then she would cough. So I would call and say, "Keyra's developed a cough lately (in the middle of summer) and I'm just narrowing down the places she had been recently without me and ask if there's been any smoking around her." Then I would remind her again why I don't allow smoking around my child.

Now, this is your father-in-law, so your husband should deal with it. He should call up his father and let him know that there's no smoking around the kids, period. Then however your FIL reacts, it's to your husband. But your husband knows how to approach his father more than you would. They have more history with each other. Your husband can also talk to his mom about it and have her approach him. It's your husband's responsibility to deal with his family. If he absolutely refuses, then what is your relationship like with your mother-in-law? If you're close, then maybe you might feel comfortable approaching her. If nothing else, you can always just suggest that the in-laws visit at your house, where smoking is done outside. Including for the holidays. The health of your children is your priority, not the toes you might step on to make sure they stay healthy. Good luck!

It's a little tough, since this has obviously been going on for some time and you have gone along with it. However, there is a mountain of evidence about the negative health impacts of secondhand smoke. This is a conversation your hubby should have with his Dad, so you are not the bad guy. Dad, we've decided to elimate the kids/wife's exposure to second hand smoke and other allergens. We know you enjoy smoking, so what do you think would work best? Do you want to visit at our house and smoke outside, smoke outside at your own, or meet in a neutral place. We value you, we love you, you're an important part of our lives, how can we make this work. As for the poster who said accept FIL as is, you are not making a judgement call on FIL, you are protecting your and your family's health. It is not something you have to accept to your own detriment, and there is a big difference between breathing diluted pollutants in big open spaces and being in a smoke filled room, and anyone who has allergies or concerns for their health will understand and accept this.

I had the same situation with my FIL as you. What we ended up doing (besides putting up with it on the occasional visit) was trying to visit more in the warmer weather months so we could all sit outside and chat or bbq.

I struggled with this same situation except it was my parents. They swore that they smoked around their kids, nieces and nephews and they turned out just fine, their grandson was no different (absurd doesn't BEGIN to cover that statement!). Unfortunately it took my stepmother lighting a cigarette at a restaurant one night next to my son and him throwing up on her to get them to realize it really does have a negative affect on him.

I didn't have much of a choice at that time in my life, I just didn't have anyone else that could watch him on the nights I went to class back then. If I had another option I most certainly would have made a big stand and told them they either stop or we stop coming over. it is very bad for the kids to be around, even if you don't have allergies. I would hope grandpa would be more respectful than my own parents, but obviously I know that isn't always the case.

I would at least say something to him. I bet you he might feel badly knowing that it bothers you as much as it does.

To me this is a no-brainer -- just don't go visit him! Would you watch someone put cyanide in your son's sippy cup and then give it to him? Of course not! Being around a smoker is the same thing -- pure poison going into you and your kids. You need to protect your children.

With all the evidence of how truly dangerous second hand smoke is, I don't think the issue has anything to do with how nice your father-in-law is, or how difficult it can be to break this habit. Your primary responsibility has to be to your kids' health, and I think it would be best if your husband approaches his father. He can explain that he is not comfortable with his kids breathing the smoke, and ask his dad, as nicely as possible, how his father would like to handle the situation. Would his dad be willing to not smoke during your visits, or would he prefer that visits be held elsewhere, outdoors or in public places where smoke is not allowed, but where he can leave if he needs to smoke. You can be understanding of his desire and right to smoke, without being willing to sacrifice your children's health.

I personally would not allow my children around anyone who smoked. If it is between their health and someones feelings I choose my childrens health. Both Grandfathers in our family were smokers but have quit for health reasons- and My mother does not allow anyone to smoke in her house not even my 87 yr. old grandfather. It is know that second hand smoke is just as dangerous. So your discomfort about the Grandfather smoking is plenty justified- Now implement the boundries- do not tolerate the smoking! Be prepared for your family to not go over there if that is what it takes. Also it does not seem to be a good example for your children. Grandpa needs to get that! I noticed that many smokers just do not get how unhealthly and dangerous it is to their health and to others until they have to quit.