My 37 year old brother has been dating a woman for about 8 months. She has 2 children from a previous marriage. Up til now my brother has been perpetually single and a large part of my children's lives. He is Godfather to my 11 year old son and they have a very special relationship. The introduction of a girlfriend and he 2 kids has been a bit of an adjustment for my children who have not had to share their Uncle up til now. My oldest son is particularly concerned with how things are changing. We recently found out my brother and his girlfriend are expecting, due in June, with no immediate plans to get married. My question is this... How do I tell my kids (particularly my 9 & 11 year olds) about the pregnancy. I want to remind them of our values that marriage comes first but don't want to paint my brother in a bad light because of the choices he is making. I also want to be sensitive to my oldest who is already struggling with the addition of girlfriend and her kids. Any thoughts or experience with this is appreciated.
Thanks everyone for your great words of advice. I am thrilled to have a new niece or nephew and know my children will be too. I think I may have over analyzed the situation a bit. Keeping it simple and joyful is my plan! Thanks
Just be honest, it is tough when you want them to be married first. Maybe he will eventually. Maybe he should spend some special time with them so they don't feel abandoned by him since they are close. Good Luck!
M. - SAHM and WAHM of three kiddos: 5,3,and 19 months!
http://www.WorkingGreenMoms.com
Hi J.,
It's good that you're thinking deeply about this issue. It shows a lot of love for your family. I agree with the other advice, below. I also wonder if, since your children are so close with their Uncle, he and his girlfriend should do the announcing of the news? It's their joy to share--and they can frame it how they want. If your kids ask questions like, "are you getting married?" then THEY can answer them!
You can support your brother and his new family by offering a sparkling apple juice toast together with your children and husband when they officially share the news. There will be plenty of time to discuss the marriage before children value later on. There is a good chance that your kids will bring it up at some point. It is a good opportunity to talk about how other people make different choices and we can tolerate and respect choices that are different from ours, but in our family, Dad and I got married first because we believe...
Best of luck and congratulations on the new addition to your extended family! All children are a blessing and help us learn to grow and love in new ways. Your children will absorb this lesson more by the way you model your love for your brother's child, and not necessarily by the words you use to announce the news now.
"How do I tell my kids about the pregnancy?"
If it were me, I'd do it with JOY! I'd show excitement and happiness and tell the kids they're going to have a new little cousin in June. I would emphasize how happy Uncle and girlfriend are, how exciting this news is, and how they are looking forward to their new baby in June. Your 11 year old can be singled out as the 'oldest and wisest cousin' and you can (joyfully) tell him he will probably have the special role of protector in his new cousin's life.
I would definitely skip the part of reminding them of your values that marriage comes first. That little chat can come later and be prefaced with "some people like us believe that marriage comes first, but it is not a requirement and other people don't necessarily think the same way that we do."
If YOU are joyful, your children will share your joy. If you are judgemental, they will pick up on that, too.
best wishes,
K.
This is a great time to discuss and reaffirm your values around family as you introduce the concept of families and how they come in different shapes and sizes. No family is the same and one is not better than the other, it's what works for you according to your values. Your school-age children are already exposed to these differences through their classmates who have divorced, step or other kinds of families. There are many children's books on this topic that would help begin the conversation. "All Kinds of Family's" by Norma Simon is a good one. "Who's in a Family?" by Robert Skutch is another one. Look at this as an opportunity to expand your children's framework about families and instill in them a tolerance for diversity. Good luck!
I agree 100% with Katheen D's post, suggesting you share the news with joy. Your kids will share your happiness, especially if yours is genuine. If you are faking it, they will probably sense that, especially the older ones. So if you do have misgivings (not that I am saying you do - I can't tell from your post) it would probably be best to reflect privately on the joy the new baby will bring to your family, so that when you tell your kids, your joy is authentic. I also agree that now is probably not the time to address the marriage-before-kids discussion - unless one of your kids brings it up. In that case, I agree that it's best to emphasize that families come in many different forms, that their new cousin is very much a part of their family even if their parents aren't married. Congratulations and good luck!
Hi J.,
I have had to deal with this same struggle with my family/friends, and I share your values. I think with your older two it is the perfect time to reaafirm your own values with your children. You can call a behavior wrong and yet still love your brother and his girlfriend and children. Our culture and schools are doing way more than enough to make sure our kids are exposed to "diversity!" I want to encourage you to keep up the battle to instill your values in your children. We have always talked about these issues with our kids as they came up, and have also encouraged our children to pray for those they were concerned about as far as behaviors/lifestyles we don't agree with. The kids have not had any problems separating the actions from the people and have continued to show love to them without any change. With that being said, a baby is always a blessing, no matter the circumstances, and there's no reason why that aspect of the situation shouldn't be genuinely celebrated. So I would certainly focus on that. Good luck and God bless.
Hi J.,
Congrats on your future niece or nephew!
I agree with the person that posted that your brother, their uncle and the father to be, should share the joyful announcement. Afterward, if you would like to express that their decision to have a child before getting married (or without getting married at all) is against your values, you can simply say that people do things differently and you would like in the future, if your kids have children, to decide to do it the way you yourselves did it (I presume): first finding the person you want to commit your life to, get married, then have children.
I lived with my now-husband for a year before marrying him, at the time we hadn't any intention to marry; and this was not in accordance with the way our family has done things up to that time. My sister had to explain that to my nephews, and she did it completely non-judgmentally, which I appreciated. Otherwise it might have tainted my nephews' feelings toward me and my now-husband. It's something to consider. The new baby is your flesh and blood and completely innocent of any actions that your brother and his girlfriend are carrying out and your feelings about them.
This is a tough situation. I would make sure Uncle knew the concerns and worries of your son. My brother and son are very close too and have a special bond. He is very careful and always takes my son into consideration. He handled the addition of wife and kids very well with my son.
Not same situation but I would make sure your kids know that everyone makes mistakes and sins. That we still love people when they do wrong things, we just want to learn from the mistakes and not make them ourselves. It is hard! Your son is very close to puberty as well. So it's a touchy subject. I would talk openly about how our values say things should be done dispite if others do them that way. We are in control of ourselves and not others. We have to make sure we take care of what is right for ourselves.
But I think telling them son before they figure it out on thier own/someone else is better.
It sounds like this has probably been harder for you to accept than it has for your kids. Your brother is an adult and it is a good thing for him to develop his own life. Try to be happy for him and avoid judging him because you don't agree with his decisions. Your reaction is what your kids will be paying attention to here, so regardless of how you feel about him not being married to the mother of his child, try to teach the kids that this new child (and the stepchildren) will be a good thing for your whole family. Because it probably will. Just be happy for your brother!
I know your values are marriage before pregnancy, but everyone is different. You could point out that you wish for your children to get married before having children, but realize that piece of paper is nothing more than that. People can be just as committed to eachother without a marriage certificate. My husband and I were not married before having our first 2 children. And when we did finally tie the knot, it was a legal thing, and for health insurance, not a deeper commitment. We were already 100% committed to eachother.
Try not to be too judgemental. Be happy for them. If she is a nice girl, and your brother is happy, you should be too. It will help your children accept the new baby better, and hopefully keep that tight bond with their uncle. If you lecture or judge, you will just push him away, and in turn your kids will lose out.
