Hi. Looking for some advice on how to prepare my son for a move into a different home. The circumstances are a little different. My now 3 year-old son and I have been with my parents since he was about 9 months old which is when I separated from and now divorced his father. My son is a curious, verbal and intelligent little boy and would like to prepare him for a move. I would like to move in with my boyfriend of 2 years old. A wonderful man who has a great relationship with my son. However, this may is too divorced and has two children (daughter 10, son 8) that spends 50% of each week with him and soon us. They live in a neighboring town and we have spent a lot of time there so my son is certainly familiar with the home. He even already has a bedroom there with a bed and smaller pieces of furniture and when we have sleepoevers he sleeps without a problem. We have been talking seriously about moving in together and have metioned it to my son but he keeps replying that he does not want to move in and how home is over there (with my parents). He also has a great relationship with my parents too but he loves my boyfriends children esp the 8 year old boy. The Daughter is all for us mopving in, she is relatively easy going. The son however is far more immature and sensitive (extremely) and has said that he does not want to move in because sometimes he cannot do what he wants with a 3 year old around. This is certainly a huge transition for everyone and my boyfriend has down a lot to prepare his older kids who understand and are far more verbal than my 3 year old. He and his kids have already gone to counseling over the summer to iron some things and our moving in and the counselor feelis that the kids are ready. Now, I am worried that I am not preparing my son enough. I mention our move here and there but have not said or done much more to make him understand this. I would like to transition to go as smoooth as possible knowing that we may have some bumps int he road when we are all finally together. Thank you for any advice, it is much needed and appreciated!!! Please know this is not a desicion me and my boyfriend have taken lightly, we have spent countless hours talking about it and how we think the rules will be in the house. What is nice is that we parent similarly and have the same ethics/morals and ground rules even in our own home. To add more since people assume things, marriage is what we talk about and see in our future but feel it is more responsiblt to move into to iron out details before getting married. All the kids have been told repeatedly that when you move in with someone it is because you love them and want them in your life and build a future together. I believe the kids got the message. Furthermore, my son's father is well aware of the situation and is supportive.
My advice would be to let him decide on how to decorate his new room and to let him help pack the boxes too. Make a big deal out of it for him and mostly just let him be a part of every step. He'll adjust. Everything is a big deal at 3 years old!
C.,
I am sure I am going to get hit hard by this one, but I feel strongly enough about it to go ahead and say it. I don't think it is in the best interest of the children to move in together with you and your boyfriend.
I realize that many people have had difficult first marriages and are reluctant to recommit, however, if you are not prepared to be this man's wife, your son probably shouldn't have to go for the ride in the relationship.
The reasons people don't get married are multifold: Finances, Can't afford the big wedding yet etc. Relaxed social mores have allowed people to selfishly pursue their own personal needs and the children have no say in the deal.
Unless you live by a stance which does not believe in the institution of marriage in general, then I would explore your motivations in this decision before exposing the children. They will emulate the relationships they see. If they do not see people who are willing to commit for better or worse than they will probably not have successful marriages themselves down the road.
Sorry if you find this offensive. It is my true opinion. Obviously you will ultimately do what is best for you and I do wish your family all the best.
J. L>
Then why aren't you getting married? Maybe that is the confirmation that your son needs to feel that their house is now also "his". If you two are that serious about blending families, why not marry each other? People just seem to move in and out of each other's lives these days with no regard to the seriousness of their acts. How do your parents feel about this move? How about your boy's dad? Is he in the picture?
Why haven't you discussed marriage first? If you are willing to live with him and help care for his children, and he do the same with your son, why not make it legal and permanent? I'm sure your son is voicing the feelings because it does not seem permanent, whereas grandma/grandpa is forever and safe. I believe such a BIG step like his living arrangement is crucial to his life. A ceremony with the children's involvement may help everyone involved feel like a family. I had girlfriend marry for a second time and they included her daughter in the ceremony with pouring of sand into a glass vase, showing the different colors blending together and creating one. It was symbolic, but it eased the moving-in time and step-dad transition. Just a thought.
Hi C.,
It's great that you're thinking your son's transition time so much now and anticipating any issues. I think even though he is little and not extremely verbal, you might try a consultation or two with a child psychologist. Also you someone suggested sitting down as a new blended family and talking about stuff with a family counselor, which I think is a great idea.
I don't think that getting married will take away any misgivings the children, especially your son, may have about living together. That's something different between you two as adults and not something to be taken lightly or rushed into for the sake of helping children adjust to a new living situation. And anyway you would have the same issues whether or not you were married. It doesn't "solve" anything.
I'm remarried -- my son and I moved in with my now-husband when he was four, after six months of dating, and married a year later. It's been four years total that we're all living together, and I can tell you it doesn't work out overnight, it takes work and patience and understanding but it is wonderful! So good luck and much happiness to you!
My husband and I became foster parents two boys ages 3 and 5. So this was a big transition for us and them since it was not only a new house but new parents. While the five year old was excited for the change he got along great with our 9 month old daughter and was excited to have a new life and fmaily the three year old took some more time to adjust to leaving the woman that was very close to being a mother/grandmother figure to him and leaving the only home he ever remembered having. We involved both boys in selecting the "theme" for thier room and they were really excited about bunk beds. With the three year old we started taking him overnight and long weekends and each stay a bit longer and longer. His big brother moved in a week or so before he did which really helped because once big brother was there the three year old wanted to be with him. We have adopted both boys and they continue to amaze us everyday. It was a really smooth transition overall because it was slow and thoughtful and we took both of the boy's individual needs in mind. This is the careful planning and actions that need to be considered for your child and your boyfriend's children. Although your situation is much different I think keeping lines of communication open with his grandparents as you move is key. Get them on board and get them to speak possitivley about this new adventure. Also let him spend some time with them once you move so your son is not afraid that they are gone and he understands that he always can go there for visits. Change is hard for all of us but focus on the positives and the new things they he will be able to do in the new household. We do a family movie night once a week and family game nights here and there as well somehting like that may help the older children bond with your son. Even though he is so much younger than the others he can still be a part of something like this with them. I hope this helps!
-N.
Wow, that is a big decision!
Not only are you moving in, you are blending two families with kids in two different age groups, and you will be coparenting.
Before you move, I think your best bet would be to sit down with a family counselor and work on any relationship issues you might have, all five of you. Set out some basic house rules and decide in advance with your boyfriend how you will be handling parenting of all three kids.
Good luck!
I'm going to agree with Janine on this one, you really should get married before living together. Now I'm all for two adults living together without marriage if that's what they want - my husband and I lived together for YEARS before we got married, but when we decided to have a child, we tied the knot first. You mentioned that your boyfriend has two children, and I think you'll get a lot more respect from them (especially the older one) as his wife rather than his live-in girlfriend. The way your boy sees them behaving towards you will influence the way he does. Their grandparents (whom I'm guessing you'll see at least during holidays if not more often) will probably be more interested in treating you like family if you actually are, and that will make the transition easier for you son. If you're sure about this guy, then why live in a 'one foot out the door' situation? If you're not sure he's a keeper, than don't disrupt the only family your son knows for a trial run, kids don't do well with that kind of chaos. Best wishes!
-L.
