Is My Daughter Destined to Hate Me

My daughter and I avoided much of that - - partially due to the fact that she's always been such a sensitive, caring person. But as her first-grade teacher once said, "She is NO doormat!" I should also give credit to 2 books: "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" and "Reviving Ophelia" and a parenting class that I took 2 times (!!!) when my kids were little: " Parenting with Love and Logic" created by Dr. Foster Cline.

Absolutely NOT, my 16 year old daughter and I are close, in fact NONE of my children (ages 15 mo, 9 years, 14 yrs and 16) have ever told me they "hate" me and I am a strict mom. I am respectful of them though. Give it and you will get it. Don't try to be their friend, just a supportive, loving mom. Tell the truth...

Being a daughter, a mother of three girls, and a grandmother to eight children, five being girls...I have a short list of things to remember. You were a daughter once, too. Don't forget it, but understand what you remember about being a daughter is not what you will remember as a mother. I try to follow these four rules.

1. Give them rules
2. Give them boundries
3. Be consistant
4. Love them

When you give them rules, make them simple and don't allow the boundries to spread out too broad...be consistant with those rules and always tell them you love them....

It's really not difficult....it's the outside influences that muddy the water, but you're in control, because you are giving them the rules and boundries:) Don't be afraid to say no...with an explanation. It can be powerful and could save their life. Never miss an opportunity to tell them you love them...and mean it!

Having a child is a gift and a blessing....something that should be cherished. Even though they are your children for a lifetime, they are child like for a such a short time. Embrace this opportunity to do your best work:))) God Speed to all you Mothers

My daughter is only 4 years old and I have been trying to shape our relationship so hopefully we have a closer relationship when she is a teen.

Here are some books that I have started or will be reading, all about raising/understanding a daughter.
--Venus in Blue Jeans
--Daughter: from infancy to independence
--Raising a Daughter: Parents & Awakening of a Healthy Women
--Like Father, Like Daughter; How Father Shapes the Woman His Daughter Becomes
--How to Say It to Girls: Communication w/your Growing Daughter
--Celebrating Girls: Nurtuirng and Enpowering Our Daughter
--Look in My Mirror
--Champions are Raised, Not Born: How my parents made me a success
--Dads & Daughters; How to inspire, understand & support your daughter when she's growing up so fast.

I have not read all of these yet, and somethings I like and dislike what they say/suggests but I take what I like and try to create something that fits with our life.

A LOT of my girlfriends had really close relationships with their mums in their teen years.

The trend amongst them was 1 thing only : Authoritative Parenting

Which... by the time a child is a teenager means that a parent treats them essentially as an adult, albeit a young one, instead of a child. The role switches from one of rule-maker/enforcer to mentor. Which is a HARD switch for parents to make. (Also why many many cultures and religions have "grown up" ceremonies between the ages of 12-15... it's as much, if not more for the adults in the child's life than the child themselves). The rule of thumb in teen authoritative parenting is that you place the same expectations on the teen as you have/would accept yourself as an adult. Meaning that if you'd take someone yelling at you, go ahead and yell, but most adults do NOT take being yelled at. Or if you take someone assigning a bedtime to you, go ahead and assign a bedtime... but most adults LOATHE someone telling them when they have to be in bed. Etc. What you do is just imagine that you're going to stay at your Mom's house. What would you expect? You would expect to let the people you live with know that you're safe, to help with certain chores, etc. What would drive you up the wall? Would you LOVE to sit down and tell all about your day to an interested audience one on one... or would you HATE being grilled (and note the big difference... one is done out of friendship and interest, the other out of entitlement). It doesn't mean being overly permissive, or neglectful... but it is *vastly* different from authoritarian parenting.

Authoritative Parenting isn't new, it isn't one way of doing things... it's one of the 5 major "styles" of parenting. ((Neglectful, Permissive, Authoritative, Authoritarian, Abusive)). Those styles encompass EVERY form of parenting, through every age range. (For example a CIO parent can be *any* of those 5, as can 'attachment' parents. The teen with no curfew, as well can have *any* of those 5 styles as parents. No one thing delineates what style you are, but rather a compilation of things coupled with attitude).

For more info on authoritative parenting, you can probably google the phrase in quotes or even better, check out a development through the lifespan college textbook (psych dept).

You need to ultimately have a 'relationship' with your daughter. It sounds common sense.. but is not.
My Dad always did, and said: you can raise a child and teach them rules/punishments/manners etc., but that does not mean you have a 'relationship' with them as a parent.. nor that you know them.... and their hearts desires/hopes/dreams/problems/happinesses/feelings etc. Unless you know that... and 'understand' your child... you will not have a feasible relationship, with your child... which is the FOUNDATION of a parent/child dynamic. And having respect and trust... and open 2-way conversations with them... no matter what, good or bad... and allowing the child to express themselves and to have feelings. And 'hearing' them too....
That is the way, my Dad handled us... and 'bonded' with us. To this day, although he is deceased... I have utmost respect for him and miss him... he was a good parent.... and valued us... we had a 'relationship' with him... no matter our problems or happy times. He allowed us to be ourselves... and guided us.
Me, even through my phases and going through my 'punk rocker' phases and what not... my Dad, always, accepted me, guided me, didn't judge me... always was there for me... good or bad.

My Mom on the other hand was the opposite... and she and my sister... 'hated' each other. They never got along nor understood each other nor had a 'relationship'... until adulthood.

I have a daughter.... and from she was younger, I always built a relationship with her... and we are very close...

all the best,
Susan

I raised my daughter on a pattern that would now be called Empathetic Parenting or Emotion Coaching, and it was fabulous. We were close except for her senior year in high school, and I realized that was mostly about her finding "reasons" to break away as she moved into her adult life. After she went away to college, we were happy friends again.

Let me recommend practical and supportive resources that you may wish to investigate:

Also the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and the concept of Emotion Coaching, another term you can google for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get you started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

There are also some terrific books working with related techniques. One of my favorites is by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The methods make for good emotional connections, resulting in happy, cooperative and (mostly) obedient children.

Hi!! I have 2 adult daughters and believe me, there were times I thought I'd NEVER survive!!! Now that they are well in to their 20's, it seems like that time was just a small dot on the map.

At the time, I was consoled by the fact that if they hated me I was probably doing something right!! It's true!! It's far better to be hated then to try to be their BFF.

Our relationship now is so rich and I really enjoy being with them. So I guess my best advice is that you don't raise them to be close to you, you raise them with love, consistency and some clear boundaries. They may not like you for a small time but they will respect you which will come back to you ten fold!!

Hang in there
Beth

I have an 18 year old, and in her words, we are "freakishly close" - LOL
She says this because she sees how much many of the girls at school "hate" their mothers,
I really don't know what I've done to deserve this honor, but I AM grateful. And, now sad as she leaves next week for college.
I think some of it may be these things:
No TV in the bedroom. TV time is family time.
Get involved. I attend ALL school, church and sport events and support my kids.
Include your kids in as many activities as you can. Don't always leave them at home or with a sitter.
Plan lots of family activities often - bike ride, camp, boating, etc.
Talk. Even about the tough stuff. All the time. Even if you're the only one doing the talking. Don't preach. Just talk. Express an opinion. Ask their opinion. Even if you don't think they're listening, they are.
Listen. Listen. Listen. My daughter talks non-stop about everything to me.
Don't criticize. My daughter comes home and tells me all kinds of things. I don't act shock or criticize. I may express an opinion. Or create a discussion from it.
Go to church. Have them join a good youth group.
Treat them with respect. Give them independence.
Good luck and God bless!

i think its all part of the breaking into an adult, your separation from a same sex parent must involve some hateful feelings to make the passage easier, and permanent. Although i have never seen a teen daughter and mother be best friends without some sort of dysfunctional closeness that has the teens running all over the mother, i have seen closer relationships than others. Thisusually the mom letting the teens have some privacy, but still very clear guidelines and expectations (which of course the teen "hates"

but remember

The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference, hate is an emotion very close to love.

Cori,

I have two teen age daughters (17 and 15) and we have a GREAT relationship! I agree with the other mom about establishing boundaries and rules...my husband started that when they both were really little. Because of following through with consequences, expecting respect, and setting healthy boundaries we are very fortunate that we don't have any of the USUAL TEEN AGE STUFF! Honestly, my girls and I are great friends but most important is that I am their MOTHER first. It is possible to be both!!! One of the key things I feel is to have "constant open communmication." When things come up we talk about it as a family...both my husband and I talk about how they can deal with the issue and we both are "open" and share what issues we dealt with in high school. I think that has helped them "relate" to mom and dad on a different level. They usually tell me "everything"...(sometimes I don't want to know...YIKES!") but, I just listen and ask them what their thoughts are on the subject. Then we "talk it out." Again, it IS possible to have them not hate you!!! Good luck!

And for those of you that are doubters....both of our girls are very well liked, Cheerleaders, involved in Girl Scouts, and other Community Service areas. They go to a Public High School were they are exposed to all the drugs, sex, and drinking just like most of all the other kids in America. No, we are not VERY RELIGIOUS or have "our heads in the clouds"...we are just really fortunate!!!

C. C.

We have a teen son, not a daughter, but I know the feeling.
I have found that distance helps---appearing to be more of an "observer" rather than a "director" in a teens life.
I think they just feel like everyone is telling them what to do, and not do.
Of course, we parents know this is because they are making poor choices, but I think we need to let them make their choices, and when they fall they might be more inclined to ask for advice the next time. =)

We are dealing with women here (girls) and emotions. If you can step out of the "emotion" side of M. and just do what's right and best for her, it could help. Ex. Let's say she want's a tatoo, you fight about getting one, she's upset she can't get it, you're upset she's not listening to you. Negotiate, define the rules up front, talk her thru the consequences of certain actions, encourage and trust her and let her know you are still there for her, no matter how much drama she demonstrates. Teenagers are like rubberbands, they want the freedom to stretch but at the same time know that you won't let go of the other end. I am sure your daughter loves you. I do not know which M. and daughter does not fight...some gets restored, others don't and the center of it all is - who hurt my feelings first, who should apologize first...

Birth is painful, toddler hood is painful and so must being a teenager. If you look at it, each time a child presses for more independence, it's a painful process. When they're born you're truly -and literally- attached to each other, it hurts to separate, but it must be done for the baby's and mother's health. When they're toddlers and going through the 'me do it' phase, it's hurtful and a pain, but both parents and kids need it in order to start establishing the child as an independence being, able to take on tasks for themselves. With teens, it's the same process to finally obtain adulthood. Not that it makes it easier.

Your child doesn't 'hate' you, they love you tremendously, more than any other time of their life, but they are in the process of separating from you and finding their own identity. It's a natural process.

As long as you remain centered and realize your child is figuring out their own person, which means in part, rejecting you, not as a bad thing, but as a natural thing, you'll be fine.

It's why the first few years of parenting are the most critical! It's where you instill your values and set your child up on the right course....by the time they're teenagers, it's like setting butterflies free. If you've done your job, and done it well, they'll be self confident, if self absorbed, people in need of guidance rather than parenting. GL!

And read some of the books mentioned:)

My daughter is 7 and I remember my older sister and my mom by this age did not get along at all. She is my only girl so I make sure we get time to go out on our own. But I also make sure she knows I am the mom and she is the kid. She does a lot to help, mainly because she wants to. We have an open and honesty polciy with our kids. Lieing gets them in SO much more trouble. So they rarely tell a tale. Granted they are still young!! But I have this same fear. I don't want to have the "typical" relationship with her in 7 years. I had a good relationship with my mom most of my life. support her in whatever you can, and just be honest and open with her. Good luck to all of us!

Part of growing up is differentiating from your parents. It's not only normal but beneficial.

When my older daughters - now 22 and 23 - were teens, they were sure that everything I did was wrong, exasperating and ridiculous. If anyone complimented me or told them that I'd done something that needed thanks or a compliment, they argued and insisted otherwise.

Now that they're adults, it's a different story. It started when they were in college. My oldest is newly married and calls me for advice on everything. Both of them now correct their younger siblings when they're being sassy or ungrateful.

Just remember that no phase lasts forever! (And, they're kids for a short time, and adults for the rest of their lives.)

I think you need to separate "hating" you and arguing. Teenagers are learning how to be independent adults which leads to a lot of arguing and limit testing. If your teenager is arguing with you they still care what you think (if they don't care they ignore you and lie to you). One study I read said the parents were bothered by teens arguing with them but the teens weren't bothered by it. If you listen to their arguments and be a little bit flexible when they have a good reason and show they are responsible it helps. 11 to 14 year old girls are hormonal because they are going through puberty so it helps to pick your battles and ignore the moodiness and attitude when you can. I worked a lot with this age group as a camp counselor and they are really a fun age (if you are not their mother, fighting with mom is all about having an independent identity).

My kids are not teens yet but I got through my teens with not too much fighting with my mom and we are still pretty close. My mom was our Girl Scout leader from 4th grade through most of Jr. High and High school. My friends thought she was the "cool mom" but I didn't think so at the time. In retrospect she was pretty easy to talk to. One smart thing she did was in scouting events she and the other leader agreed to talk to the other one's child when necessary (so much better than getting yelled at by your own mother in public).

I don't think daughters ever truely hate their mothers. My mother and I fought a lot during my teen years, but it was mostly cause I was trying not to be her... Make my own destiny, and she had a hard time wtih that... but even when I was being a hateful teen, I still loved her and wanted her to love me... I am hoping not to make the same mistakes, but acknowledge that I will have to work hard to remember...
Good luck!
R.

My mother and grandmother did NOT get along.
My mother and I do NOT get along.
My SIL and MIL do NOT get along.

My daughter and I ( WE DO GET ALONG ). = )
We love each other VERY MUCH.
My daughter is super sweet, loving, and caring.
I can go on and on, she is super great.
And I thank God for her everyday.

I hope that my daughter and I will always love each other. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Try not to worry so much about you and your daughter. Remember to always give her hugs and kisses & tell her that you love her.
Make special time for her and you.

I wish you both the best.

I'm going through this right now with my ten year old daughter. Up until this point I have always been her superhero, but now she is dealing with hormones and up and down all the time. Somedays she doesn't want anything to do with me ..somedays she wants me all the time. It's hard for me to deal with so I got a couple of books on getting through the tween years. I have to keep reminding myself that this is hard on her too, dealing with all these emotions/hormones/feelings.

yes, your teen daughter is going to hate you, mainly because we, as parents , are not as dumb as they would like to believe we are, or secretly hope we are. my younger sister, whom i raised, truly depised me as a teenager because i didnt allow her to go to some boys house unsupervised, i didnt allow her to go around braless, etc. etc.i was truly a horrible person, but a perfectly reasonable stand in mother. the best thing i ever did with my sister was,( when all her young teen friends were getting pregnant, and dropping out of school ) i took her to the local homeless shelter that accepted young mothers, sure enough, she knew several of these young girls from school, their parents had simply dropped them there and their boyfriends were loong gone. suddenly, i wasnt so horrible
after all !
K. h.

First of all you can't let them speak to you like you are nothing or trash. My middle one, now 17, tends to do this and does not think that she does. We were watching 16 and pregnant one day, saw how the girl spoke to the parents, she was amazed that the girl got away with it, then I told her that is how she speaks to me, she has not done it much since then. Secondly stick to your guns. IF you say there is a punishment, stick with it, wether you think she will hate you or not, if you dont it will cause an eventual out of control situation. Thirdly try as hard as you can not to yell at her. It only causes fear and anxiety and shuts down the communitcation with her. I know all of this from family counseling and from our oldest being almost 21 and she is very much liking her mommy these days, so yes, they will out grow it eventually. Good luck and a lot of patience to you!!

I am going through the same thing with my 12 year old stepson. I get into it with him, and have a very hard time keeping cool. I know thins is my shortcoming, and I am willing to do the work to be a better adult and parent. I think my self-realization is a big step, and hopefully I can be the one to "grow up" in my interactions with him.

I just found an incredible book, and am devouring the whole thing. It is called "Getting to Calm, Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens". I like it because it not only explains the theory, but helps to understand how to implement it, which most books do not help you turn the info into real life.

Good luck, I am beginning to realize almost all parents and kids have a difficult time at this age. If we didn't, they would never want to leave home.