My MIL lives in a different country and when she comes to visit, she stays with us for a minimum of a week. I am always glad when she comes because I want her to have a relationship with our 16 month old daughter, but she doesn't help at all. She barely plays with the baby, doesn't lift a finger at meal time and basically sits around while I clean up. My husband is very little help at this time too because he feels like he should be spending every precious minute with his mother and our daughter. I have tried explaining my feelings to him and he says he has talked with her, but she still doesn't lift a finger. Any suggestions?
Thank you all for your help! I appreciate each and every one of you taking the time to listen to me "vent". I will definitely put your wonderful suggestions to good use, and will especially try to stay focused on the positive!
K.,
Although it may be extremely difficult to wait on everybody hand and foot for a week, it is a small price to pay for an overseas MIL:)
I may be in the minority here, but I think she shouldn't be expected to help out. She's your guest. Yes, it would be nice for her to offer. But, in the end, you can't really expect a guest to help around the home. It can be hard entertaining a guest for that length of time. But with some planning, you could make it a bit more enjoyable for all of you. I'm assuming you have plenty of notice when she is coming for a visit. Perhaps it would be a good idea to stock up on supplies, and pre-make some meals(so you don't have to rush too much to get a meal on the table.), and perhaps plan to use paper plates and such for the majority of the meals while she's in town. Maybe try to eat out for a meal, too. So it's a bit more enjoyable for you all. This will hopefully make it posible for you to spend more time with your husband, MIL and daughter, all together. As for her playing with the baby, some grandparents just are not into that anymore. My own mother stocks up on sugar free popsicles for my son's visits to her house, babysits whenever we ask, and is always buying him little gifts for no reason. But I cannot genuinely remember one time that she played with him. It's like some parents forget how to play with babies after theirs grow up and make them grandparents.
My best advice is to make the best of it. I'm sure it must be hard for your husband to be in another country from his mom. And couple that with trying to be a good host. I'm sure he feels the pressure too, and he'll trully appreciate all the effort that you put into these visits. You might even suggest that your husband and MIL take your daughter on an outing, just the three of them. They'll get to have some time together, and you'll get a few hours of glorious peace.
HI K.,
I would guess that if she lives in a different country that you don't see her often. My advice would just be to put on a happy face and do what you have to do. I personally would not expect my MIL to help when she came, wheter she stayed for a day or 2 weeks. IF need be and you feel overwhelmed ask your husband to help you. I would think it is more his responsibility than hers. You know when she is no longer living this will be something you look back at and wonder why it bothered you so much.
Good luck
R.
Hi K.,
I kind of agree with Sasha. I also agree to try and make things easier on you. Make things ahead of time and freeze meals. Also don't make every meal a big meal. My mom lives in las vegas and it can be stressful when she visits sometimes. Kids get off their schedules and things are kind of up in the air for the week. Although the positives far outweigh the negatives. Try and stick it out when she is visiting. She doesn't visit very often.
Chris
What country is your MIL from? It could be custom that the "mother and wife" does all the house work and takes care of the children. If this is the case, you won't be able to change it and you will just drive yourself insane worring about it. Just be grateful it is only one week:-)
As for your husband, he probably doesn't realize how much more work you have to do with a baby/toddler. Ask him to do specific things. Instead of "I need more help around here", say to him "I need you to unload the dishwasher". Start slow and work your way up to bigger things. My husband seemed to think that because I was home full time with our two kids that it was my "job" to do ALL the house work and take care of the kids. I have set him straight...although it doesn't always work. Men are different then us. I could go on and on about this, but just remember...you can't change your mother in law, and it will take time and work to change the way your husband thinks. Good luck!!
I feel for you. I have a good friend who has in laws from England. They try to help out around the house but basically my friend says they just get in the way. They usually stay for at least a month. For quite some time my friend dreaded these visits (they pampered thier son since they don't have any grandchildren). My friend finally realized how much she loved them and wanted her husband and herself to have a pleasant visit while they were here. She now rents them a car, plans day trips for them and has set some ground rules with her husband about what her expectations are while they are here. It works out pretty well and she always says "you have to pick your battles wisely". Good luck.
Hello! Oh the fun "mother-in-law" thing....my ex-mother in law was a total nightmare....so I can relate with mother-in-law problems. This is what I'd do........I would say to your husband, "it would be nice if you could do the cleaning up today so that I could spend some time with your mother too", tell him its only fair that you at least get a day to relate and relax with her also. This will get him thinking. He could hardly say no but ya never know. Sometimes also in life we have to pick and choose our battles. This one is probley worth ignoring since she only comes to your home once in a great while but.........its only right that he lets you have one day to do the same thing he is doing. After all she is your family member too and you would also like to relate with your daughter together with mother-in-law for a "girl time". You shouldnt be left out so ask for "your own day" with them. Good luck! T. from Houghton Lake, Mi
I definately think you should try a couple things. Try explaining to your husband that you feel like you are missing out on spending time too because it takes so long cleaning up after dinner on your own. (Be careful not to accuse him of not helping--even though it's true--or his defence mechanism will go up and he'll tune you out). Say for this visit can we try something different a couple nights. When dinner is over I'd like to ask your mom to take dd in the family room to play X activity while you and I finish cleaning up. It will go so much faster, then we all can visit together. If he is really resistant, just remind him you are only asking for one or 2 nights.
Eating out one night is a good idea if dd will tolerate it. Around 16 mo, my ds became really unhappy having to sit still for an entire meal out.
Freezing ahead is an absolutely MARVELOUS idea (whether you have company or not. I suggest checking out savingdinner.com
You take it out of the freezer the afternoon before, then pop it in the crock pot or oven. SUPER easy. (and once you get the hang of it, you see how you can freeze some of your favorite meals too).
If you are home all day with MIL (maybe 15-20 minutes clean up ALONE in the kitchen isn't so bad?) You can plan an activity or two for the daytime for just you, dd and MIL to go out and do somethng interactive together. If she comes in the warmer seasons, head out to the zoo for the day. MIL may not be comfortable changing her diaper or getting on the floor with blocks, but I am certain she enjoys watching your dd do her toddler thing, even if it doesn't seem obvious to you. Plan a trip to the local playground, or in the summer, Millenium Park in Grand Rapids has a FANTASTIC sprinkler park that my DS had a blast running around in. It will probably be easier as dd gets older, maybe it is just the infant/toddler stuff she is uncomfortable with. In years to come, you can identify things/hobbies that your MIL loves and ask her to share them with you and dd.
If none of that is an option, keep in mind that you have to ask for what you want, and you have to be specific, with either dh or mil. "Would you mind grabing the plates and seting them on the table for me?" "I have to run and change the laundry, can I leave dd up here for a few minutes with you?"
C.
Sounds like your MIL is acting as a real houseguest. Possibly she may feel that she is interferring if she does anything. During meal time, ask your MIL to feed your daughter while you pre-occupy yourself with something else nearby in the kitchen. Ask your MIL just before your daughter's nap or bedtime to read a story to her while you prepare something else, like the baby's bath, clothes, etc., Sit on the sofa with your MIL and place your daughter between the two of you and talk about your daughter, food preparations, etc., to establish more one on one time. Involve your MIL, different segments of the day for a short time period each. Inside of the week, your MIL will let you know if she want to be involved or not in your daughter's life.
K.,
Why not ask your MIL for help. If she is from another country maybe she does not want to offend you. You hear all these stories of MIL taken over their sons home when they visit.
Maybe she is just waiting for you to ask and itching to do so.
EVERYONE likes to be needed. For instant ask her to help you with the dishes so you can chat while working. Just say you want to hear EVERYTHING about her trip. Ask her if she will help make your husband favorite dish cause he loves the way she makes it. Maybe she will take over kitchen duty.
GOOD LUCK
