I Need Advice - San Antonio,TX

She is trying to respect your territory in her own strange way. She taught her daughter how to be a mom. She has groomed her all of her life to love the way that she does, to do things the way that she does, and to have respect for everything that she does. Her daughter has, no doubt called her on several occations and applologized for the things she did as a child that caused MIL pain, and activly seekes her advice and attention. You---don't do any of this. Your husband---doesn't do any of this. for this reason it is easier for grandmoothers to feel comfortable at their daughter's home and not their daughter-in-law's home, because,let's be honest. It is your home and has little to do with your husband at all.
"A man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home..."- nothing about a daughter leaving her mother. Just the facts, don't take it personally, but chances are rare that this won't change much in the future. Good luck.

As the mother of grown and married daughters and sons, I will tell you that there is a comfort level I feel in my daughter's homes that transcends what I feel in the homes of my sons. My daughters do alot things the way that I did/do. My DIL's do things the way that their moms did. That's alright and there is no wrong - there is just different. From your writing you said from her country - which meant your MIL had already made the concession to come a far distance to visit. If she came all that way, then surely you all can go the shorter distance to get to her to spend some quality time. Don't take it as a ding that she doesn't come and stay with you. Who knows what people are really thinking, but don't assume that she didn't want to visit. If she didn't have transportation and was trying to relieve or help the sister that you have already admitted needs lots of your help, it may have cramped her mobility somewhat. She may be trying to "be there" for those grands while they are young like she was for yours when they were young. On another note relative to the feelings of the grandchildren...my older grandchildren (my son's children) are busy with lots of things and while I know they love me and are glad to see me, the flow of their existence doesn't accommodate sitting and entertaining me when I get to visit (SMILE). There's time for a meal or some brief interaction and they're off to do what they do.

When you have a chance to speak openly and honestly with your MIL, and you will...express what you're feeling and clear the air so that it doesn't hang and produce more ill feelings. Sounds like you hae a wonderful family unit.

R., the fact that you are concerned about your husband's feelings says a lot about the kind of wife you must be. My guess is that your are just as concerned about your daughters feelings as well, not to mention how all of this must be making you feel. I do agree that most mothers are more comfortable with their daughters than their daughters-in-law. However, I happened to have a terrific relationship with my MIL but she only has sons. As with all of the advice I offer my first piece of advice is to pray and ask The Lord to give you wisdom and anything else you need to ensure the situation is handled in a productive manner. I believe in reaching out in honesty so my advice would be to talk to her and let her know how you and your family feel about this situation. Remember there are grandchildren involved here. It doesn't matter how old they are, they still want to feel loved and accepted by their parents and grandparents. That is what a family is for! My children are 21 & 17 and they still enjoy the attention from their grandparents! Additionally, if you (or your husband) talk to her you will also give her the opportunity to tell you anything that she might be feeling and possibly open up those all important lines of communication. Maybe the next time she visits you will be able to plan ahead and make sure that you get to have a real family visit! God bless!

This is difficult, I know. But the relationship between a daughter and mother vs. a mother and her married son are so different. Most mothers walk on eggshells around their daughter in laws, and they do it because they don't want to seem "nosy" or "imposing". There is a sense of comfort that your mother in law naturally feels when around her daughter.

I know because my mother is a lot more vocal with me about my parenting style, what I say what I do, how I raise my children and how I care for my husband. In fact, she has no problems coming over and going through my hampers and starts to do laundry. But she wouldn't dare do this at my sister in law's home.

No matter what you do to try to make her feel comfortable, it will just not be the same. However, do talk to your sister in law, make sure that it's this and not something you and your husband might of missed, like a comment that hurt her etc.

More than likely, she's respecting you and your husband, and it's a compliment that she thinks you don't need her. It means that she respects your relationship, and your work raising your children. I gather that the children are older, so she might feel that she's needed more with the younger ones, or that she brings more value to them.

Hint: moms love to feel needed, ask her for advise or help even when you don't need it, might help break some of that ice/tension.

This is a subject that needs to be discussed with your mother-in-law, however not by you. It is a topic for son and mother... If you are involved in the conversation, she will feel more confronted. Your husband needs to say something along the lines of, "Mom, it really hurt my feelings that you wanted to spend only a few hours with me and my family when you were visiting the area for a month. We were really looking forward to spending time with you, having the girls get a chance to bond more with their grandmother and give you a chance to get to know them better before they are totally adults and move out of the house." And then, this is really important... She needs to be presented with a way to rectify the slight... So, he follows up with an invitation, "We would like you to come visit us and stay with us the next time your here."

call mom up and invite her to stay at your house! explain to her that you feel like you don't get to spend enough time with her and would like for her to visit more than a few hours out of the month.

You know, you really can't change how other people are going to do things. However, you can change the way you do things. As a mother of two girls you may not be able to distinguish the difference btw going to your son's home vs your dts. A couple of things to consider and try your best to look at it from her perspective: Going into another woman's home (yours) may not be all that comfortable for her. I doubt if it really translat that she loves your family any less than your sister in law's. I know my mother in law feels awkward around my house, and I do hers when I go to visit them. Your 2 girls are now woman, do they really feel like they are being ignored by thier grandmother or is that a feeling that you transfered onto them. SA is really not that far, why did you not make the drive out to be with her instead of waiting for her to come see you. Why does your husband a grown man with his own family feel the need to get validation from his mother when he has a loving family of his own, his own family unit that seems to be functioning like a fine automobile. Your sister in law is one in need of help all the time, as you mentioned, as a mother don't you go to the aid of the child in need? MIL may be feelign that your family is functioning well, does not need her help. The other family may need more attention bc it is disfunctional. Don't let your hb feel bad that his mother didn't come to visit, instead make him feel great that he has such a great family of his own.

R.,
Have your husband express his sadness at your mom's lack of face time with your family. Have him rehearse with you so it sounds like, "Mom, I miss you" and not like, "you are ignoring us and we don't like it". One will result in her realizing that you want to see more of her and/or she will feel free to say why she hasn't visited as much and the other will sound like an accusation in which she has to defend herself. You want one, not the other.
K.

Wow, you've gotten some great responses. That's so true of the comfort level between mothers and daughters. However, honesty never hurts (most the time). I would flat tell her, "We love you so much and really get to missing you. What would be easiest and most comfortable for us to spend more time together; you coming here for longer periods or us going there (to your sister's)? Our hearts don't get to spend enough time together and we always have this longing to see you." It doesn't have to be about hostility or jealousy, just plain love. I think she might be moved to know how much you care and long to be with her.

R., from experience I must tell you, it may mean nothing. Mothers are going to feel more comfortable at their daughter's home plus mom's always pull in where they feel they are more needed. You said already this person needs help from others. If you want to talk to her about it, I would stay out of it and let your husband talk to her. You never know what she might be thinking. Your kids are older, she might not know she is welcome, it can be a number of things. The last thing you want to do is get on the defense and get bitter. I'd pray, pray and pray before going in and try to resolve though. Good luck

Hi R.,
unfortunately this is a very common problem. The best thing you can do is talk to your mother-in-law. Let her know how you and your husband feel. Make her realize that your kids are her grandchildren too. Communication is the key here.

Good luck,
Elisa

You didn't mention what country she is from. Believe it or not, that could have a lot to do with it. Mothers just naturally feel more comfortable in the home of their daughter. Is your husband her only son? If so, remember that you took him away from her and she resents you for it. Some women just don't like any woman their sons marry. they feel that no woman is good enough for him. As for ignoring the adult children, she probably feels that since they are older she can't cuddle them, so why bother. If she lives far away and visits seldom, she's just not that close to them anymore. There's really nothing you can do about it except invite her to visit, even if it means including her daughter and her family. If you have a good relationship with the daughter, maybe you could voice your feelings to her and get a little assistance from her. Otherwise, resign yourself to a part-time mother in law and be glad she's not around trying to tell you how to live your life and how to treat her son.

R.,

Pray about & try to be understanding of your MIL's situation. She's probably more comfortable at her daughter's house than her DIL's house. Not that there's anything wrong with you, but that's just the way it is.

Take the time to make the most of her visit and you and your husband and the kids get in your vehicle and go visit her at your SIL's house. You guys make the effort to go visit her at your SIL's house instead of expecting your MIL to pack her things up to come stay with you for a few days. Don't allow this situation to ruin any relationship you/your husband may have with his mother/your MIL.

Peace,
E.