Help W/defiant Behavior

I have some info that will be helpful... I will recommend one book to start and a couple things... I am a counselor who specializes in children 2-5 and 6-11 (preschoolers and school age children) and I also teach parenting seminars and providing parenting help and counseling for parents. One of the greatest books on discipline that works is written by a wise mother, not someone like me with a bunch of letters after her name. It's called Kid Cooperation by Elizabeth Pantley. Every mom on this website and all your friends should go get that book because it's the most effective and wisest bunch of disciplinary information there is written in my professional opinion. It's very positive and respectful of children, keeping the fun in parenting but also effective in getting them to cooperate. I advise parents that consistentcy is key in your efforts with your children and to remember the word discipline means to teach not to punish. We have to remember at all times that our goal is to guide and teach our children, not control them. I have tons of other suggestions for your friend if you want to email me directly I will be more than happy to help. I have offices in Marietta and Kennesaw and often have free parenting mini seminars offered to the community. I have a parenting seminar coming up in late August I can tell you about in Kennesaw. Good luck to your friend and tell her that it sounds like her daughter might need some help from a professional in learning how to manage the emotions she's having. Remember this: There is a reason for all behavior.... If we can understand the cause, we can more effectively shape the behavior into the behavior we want to see.... Take care! - L. W., MA, LPC

Hi M.,
This is my "personal" opinion. I have 10 and 8 year old girls. Yes, they have hormones and yes they may have stress but I am the mother, the primary caregiver and the one who sacrafices all things for there sake. Therefore, regardless of there mood, they are required to show respect at all times! If they are not feeling well or have a problem then they need to let me know and talk about it, not be disrespectful. It will not be tolerated in society so why should I tolerate it and allow it as their mother.

Recently, both have gotten into the habit of talking back and responding to me and my requests at their leisure. I finally sat them down and explained that there behavior is unacceptable, I am the parent and they are the child. I am the MOTHER and they will show proper respect and appreciation. We then we did role play of how the currently act and then of how they are to act and respond in the future. We practice SEVERAL TIMES until they got it right. I explained that I don't ask much of them, they have there computer, tv, games and all I ask is that they pick up after themselves and keep the rooms clean so I don't deserve the attitude.

Sometimes you have to put being there "understanding friend" aside and be there mother. There behavior would be unacceptable in school, in the workplace or anywhere else. Reward them for good behavior, don't take them out for a reward because they had a bad day and decided to walk all over you. 10, 20, 30 years ago, this would be unheard of. Why is it such a problem today? As moms we must be caregivers and loving nurtures and disceplinarians. Our title is Mom, not friend. Sometimes we have to be hard on them but they will appreciate and love us for it.

I have found this site to be amazing in all aspects of raising children.
http://www.biblicalparenting.org/ParentTips
If the link does not work then copy and paste it into your browser you will not be disappointed.
Take Care
M. A.

Hello I'm not to sure about how your friend feel about talking to her kids about God. But whenever my two little one think about trying to lie. I always say to them. GOD, hear, sees, and know everything. And if your lieing he knows your lieing and he's not happy with that. Always let them know that GOD know when it's the truth or not. It works for my girls.

M.,
The 10 yr old and the 7 year old you speak of are just trying to gain independence and feel their way through their environment. Just be careful with what they watch on TV which is teaching our kids good and bad behavior...be careful with the games they play...be careful with the kids they play with...and allow your walk to talk louder then your talk talks. What am I saying? You are an example to your household....your kids learn from you. Trust me I am preaching to the choir....myself. I have a 14, 12, and 9 year old, and I have been down the road that you speak of with your friend. I hope this helps.

D. B.
Macon

I would try taking away the things they like to do or play with. once they are showing the behaviors you like then they can start earning them back one by one. Also whenever you give or take items make sure you tell them why it is happening. Always use I statements when expressing how their behavior makes you fell and use rationals that are important to them.. you have to stick to it and follow thru, if not it defeats the whole purpose.

U not the only one! I have soon to be 9 yr olds daughter who reallly very stubborn and have temper attuide. Along with lies and talk back. She have been doing that since she was bout 6 half yr olds.. I have asked my mother what to do bout her cuz I really got very fruasted with her and it been really hard on me.. All I have been told is she just a kid, all kids go through that stage.. But she still continue doing that worst and my only option is go family or kids Counsal to help us out.. That what I plan if she contiune that way at 9.. Just be patient it takes time..

Little bout me: I'm a 31 yr olds mother to soon to be 3 kids.. They r 8 half, 7 months, and one on the way. I also have one step daughter she is almost 5 so that make total of 4 kids!

More than likely the bad behavior stems from some kind of personal stress the 10 yr old girl may be dealing with. Wether it be at school or maybe she is hitting puberty and not realizing the changes it is having on her mood. It would be less stressful for the mother if she took the daughter out alone for a shop day or a day at the spa...somewhere relaxing where the 2 of them can make private coversation without the little girl feeling embarassed. Even then the girl may not come right out and spill her guts....it may even take a couple of weeks of the mother setting special days for her and the girl to have alone time and ur friend could try and slowly and carefully nit pick some info out of her that may be causing the behavior. Sometimes girls just act out b/c their hormones and feelings are out of wack and just like when some women have their cycle, somethings just might overwhelm her. It def. isn't going to help any by punishment or by force...she will only rebel and then the mother becomes the enemy not someone she would come to with her problems. It's best to take this slow and leave out the yelling and screaming.

Alot of the times there is a need that isn't being met! Not that she is a bad parent just that at age 10 your needs change and she probably isn't able to articulate what those needs are and from experience more times than not it is an attention seeking tecnic stemmed from the subconscience! Moms and Dads are so caught up in everyday life and the stress of their own lives that children get sorta left on the back burner and parents feel in their minds that their children are feed provided for, buy treats and toys for but there is a deeper lying need! I just posted a bulletin on my myspace page and I feel it's appropiate so I will copy and paste!
The depth of or faith and inner self truth is measured in our interaction with those we "Claim" to "Love" the most!!

How many of us treat strangers with more courtesy then we do the ones who mean the most? How many of us extend even just a smile to others we pass daily just to turn around and come home to our loved ones and grumble about your day? How many of us take for granted the time we have here on earth with the ones we love by just being caught up in your everyday hussle and bussle? My friends we all have fallen short in this area and my message to you all is take time to focus your love and attention on those who you know in your heart you love the most because it's easy for those people to be disscouraged and left to feel that they aren't important enough to you for you to extend the message of how we really feel about them! Your interaction with them makes a louder sound to their hearts then you could ever imagine and it echoes through out their minds for a life time! HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE FOR THEM REALLY?? LOve you ALL, All the TIME now love each other back xoxoxo,-Love H. Marie