This is probably a better response since it's age related...
Liar, Liar
What to say when she twists the truth
By Arrica Sansone
If you�ve ever caught your child in a lie, you know how maddening it can be � and how hard to find the right thing to say.
�Kids lie for the same reason adults do � to avoid unpleasant consequences,� says Charles Thompson, Ph.D., professor of educational psychology and counseling at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. If you can show your child that you�re not going to blow your top once you know the truth, she may not even try to put one over on you next time. Here, how to respond � and what not to say � if she comes out with one of these common kid lies:
The lie: "I already brushed my teeth."
The bad response: "No, you didn't. I can tell you did use your toothbrush."
The better response: "Let's do it together anyway."
The lie: "Daddy said I could."
The bad response: "Daddy would never say you could do that."
The better response: "Then let's wait until Daddy's home so we can talk it over together."
The lie: "I didn't break the window/toy/remote control."
The bad response: "I know you're lying so you won't get in trouble."
The better response: "I think you're worried I'll get angry if you tell the truth, but I know that accidents happen. Can we think of a way to fix it?"
The lie: "My friend said I could keep her favorite toy."
The bad response: "I don't believe that. You can't just take things like that."
The better response: "That's nice, but we should call her parents to make sure she asked them about giving it away."
Parenting 2005
Teaching Your Child Right From Wrong
Ways to help her learn to be honest and more, even when you're not around
By Margaret Renkl
A few years ago, my husband went to pick up our eldest child from a playdate at a neighbor's house. At 4, absentminded Sam had already lost a number of other kids' toys, so when he asked his dad if he could bring home an action figure, Haywood reminded him of our new no-borrowing rule. As he and Sam were leaving, though, Haywood heard the other child whisper, "Quick, put it in your pocket � your dad's not looking!" Sam did.
On the way home, Haywood casually asked about the playdate, but Sam was quiet, both fists jammed in his coat pockets, his shoulders hunched in misery. By the time they'd walked the two blocks to our house, Sam had started to cry. At the back door, he finally held up the contraband Power Ranger, openly weeping. "I'm sorry, Daddy," he choked. "I did the wrong thing."
This tearful confession presented a complicated dilemma for Haywood: Should Sam be punished for breaking a rule? Or praised for coming clean? Neither, say experts.
Discipline strategies like time-outs don't address the deeper questions of right and wrong that lie beneath our expectations for truthfulness and cooperation. But praising a child who knows he's done wrong and feels terrible about it sends a mixed message. A better route: Recognize the situation as a chance to have the kind of conversation that helps kids develop a conscience � and the strength to do the right thing on their own. (It turns out that Haywood did the right thing himself when he sat down on the back steps with Sam and said, "I'm glad you told me the truth, buddy, but what do you think you can do next time so this doesn't happen again?")
Preschool is the ideal time to start having these talks. While it's never too early to begin teaching concepts like honesty and respect, when toddlers are "good" it's because they prefer rewards to punishment, not because they can grasp why a behavior is wrong. When kids start testing rules and boundaries, and can understand why a certain misdeed is unacceptable, teachable moments abound. Some typical preschool transgressions, and how to make the best of them:
Telling a Whopper
Tim Guerrero, 4, and his 3-year-old sister, Emma, were playing nicely until Emma asked to borrow Tim's toy. When he refused, Emma snatched it out of his hand. Outraged, Tim slapped her in the face. When their mom, Millie, came in to ask what the fuss was about, Emma screamed, "Tim hit me!" The boy emphatically denied the accusation: "No, I didn't! I did not hit Emma!" But Guerrero, of Bayville, New Jersey, could plainly see a flaming-red, Tim-size handprint on her daughter's cheek.
Reality check: A bald-faced lie about a misdeed may add insult to injury, but there's no need for parents to go ballistic. The same lack of impulse control that leads a child to break a rule can also lead him, in the heat of the moment, to try to cover his tracks.
What to say: Avoid directly questioning a child's truthfulness ("Can you look me right in the eye and tell me you didn't do this?"); you'll likely cause him to dig himself an even deeper hole, says Michael Riera, Ph.D., coauthor of Right From Wrong: Instilling a Sense of Integrity in Your Child. Guerrero might have done well to say something like "I can see that you and Emma are both very upset. Is there anything you want to tell me?" If Tim had stuck to his story, she could have tried pushing a bit: "Are you sure? You look a little uncomfortable when you say that you didn't hit Emma. I know people make mistakes sometimes, especially when they're mad about something, but it's still important to tell the truth, even when you make a mistake."
What to do: Once she made sure that no one was seriously hurt, Guerrero could have sat down with Tim and asked him why he hit his sister and what he could have done instead, offering suggestions if he was having trouble. If Tim was truly sorry, then Guerrero might have helped him brainstorm ways to make Emma feel better (offering her a damp cloth to hold against her cheek, for instance). Then she could have reminded them both (no reason not to let Emma in on the lesson) why they need to be honest.
Saying Hurtful Things
Jacob and Henry Ives's Morrison, Colorado, living room was the epitome of calm as the two brothers sat side by side, building wooden-block towers. Then disaster struck: Just when 6-year-old Jacob's tower was getting really tall, Henry, 4, bumped into it and the elaborate skyscraper tumbled to the floor. Jacob started to cry. Henry was devastated. "I'm sorry, Jacob," he said over and over. "I'm sorry I knocked down your tower!" But Jacob was furious. "I'll never forgive you!" he blurted. Henry ran sobbing to their mom, Christine.
Reality check: Little kids have strong feelings and a weak vocabulary � their ability to express complicated emotions like frustration and anger is limited, so they often resort to name-calling or unkind words.
What to say: Ives could have helped Jacob develop a "feelings vocabulary" by naming the emotion that motivated him: "When you're angry, it's okay to say, 'I'm mad at you' or 'I'm really upset that you knocked down my building,' but it's not okay to say mean things. That kind of language makes Henry feel sad. Wouldn't it hurt your feelings if you made a mistake and you were sorry, but I told you I wouldn't accept your apology anyway?"
What to do: In this case, a breather from each other might have been effective � in large part to give Jacob a chance to cool down so that he could really hear what his mom was saying. But it's not a good idea to force kids to make an insincere apology; that only fuels their anger. "Instead of creating a battle of wills to get the big 'I'm sorry,' it's more meaningful to show empathy toward the child who was hurt," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., director of family support services at Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. Ives might have said to Henry, "I'm so sorry Jacob hurt your feelings. I know you must be feeling really sad about that."
Breaking a Rule
My three boys are allowed to play pretty much anywhere they like in our house, except for the living room. Nevertheless, one day Joe, 4, and Henry, 6, wound up in there, joyfully ambushing each other from behind the curtains. Joe slipped and crashed into a table holding family photos and other memorabilia. He wasn't hurt, but several items smashed onto the hardwood floor, including a small ceramic sculpture made from a model of Henry's hand. Joe took one look at those pieces of clay scattered all over the floor, understood immediately that he'd ruined something irreplaceable, and burst into tears. Henry, brokenhearted over the destruction of his sculpture, also started to sob.
Reality check: Although Henry and Joe didn't mean to break a cherished memento, they were certainly breaking a family rule by horsing around in the living room. So I acted on my first impulse, which was to say, "No TV for either of you for a week!" But it would have been more effective if I had used this incident as a chance for my kids to think about the real reason behind our rule.
What to say: To Henry: "You must be sad that your sculpture is broken." To Joe: "I can see that you feel bad about ruining Henry's artwork." To both: "Why do you think you aren't allowed to play in the living room?" They ought to conclude (perhaps with my help), "Because there are things in here that might get hurt if we play near them."
What to do: In this case, Henry and Joe already felt horrible, so following through on my no-TV threat would have been pointless. I realized that what they both needed was a chance to put things right � neatly setting the fallen items back on the table, helping me glue the fingers back on the ceramic hand, and so on. This would do more to help them develop a conscience�and reinforce the value of this particular rule � than a time-out or the loss of a privilege. After all, the real goal of discipline isn't to punish. It's to help kids really want to do the right thing.
Contributing editor Margaret Renkl wrote "Stop Those Germs!" in the November issue.
Being the best role model
You're desperately trying to get through a stack of bills before the baby wakes up. When the phone rings, you call to your husband (who's playing with your 4-year-old), "If it's my mother, just tell her I'm out." Bad plan: "Children learn by example, and they're not able to tell the difference between so-called little white lies and more clear-cut dishonesty," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., of Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. The good news is that you can use kids' copycat tendencies to reinforce integrity. Let your children see you wrestling with a dilemma, as Susan Hoskyns of Phoenix did three years ago. She'd taken her four kids, ages 3 through 12, to lunch before a play. Rushing out so as not to be late, she forgot to pay the check. They were a half hour away from the restaurant when she realized it. She pulled the car over and told the kids what had happened. Their responses ranged from "Wow, a free lunch!" to "Are they going to arrest us?" Finally, they agreed it was right to turn back and settle the bill. "We missed the show, but nobody forgot the lesson," says Hoskyns. "Even now I'll hear one of my kids say, 'We need to do the right thing � just like that lunch.'"
Off to the right start
Although it'll be some time before he can learn rules or grasp why a behavior's not desirable, it's not too early to start teaching a toddler right from wrong, says Barbara Polland, Ph.D., author of No Directions on the Package: Questions and Answers for Parents With Children From Birth to Age 12. Between 1 and 2, kids begin to defy their parents: You say, "No, no, not for Owen," but Owen reaches for the sewing scissors anyway � with his eyes locked right on yours to see how you'll react. "The first time a baby deliberately disobeys, many parents are so surprised that they laugh out loud," says Polland. "But that's likely to encourage the very behavior you're trying to correct." Instead, repeat the rule and explain it simply in a firm voice ("Scissors are sharp; they can hurt little boys"). Then remove them. He won't get it, but you'll reinforce the idea that there are reasons for your expectations.
Parenting, February 2004
Lying and Dishonesty
Most children, from kindergarten through about the second grade, go through the lying stage. They may be very unskilled with their fibbing, or they may be as clever as Joe Isuzu. But they�re lying all the same.
Dishonesty can turn parents purple with frustration. After all, who wants to raise kids with integrity problems? But we are often at a distinct disadvantage because, frankly, we don�t know if they�re telling the truth or not!
If we catch them in the act, that�s one thing. But if we merely suspect fibbing, all of our investigative questioning, done when our kids might be telling the truth, may breed a self-fulfilling prophecy. It�s been said that if we wrongly accuse our kids twice for the same thing, they�ll set out to prove us right. You can almost hear them say with a sigh, �You think I do it anyway, so I might as well do it.� That does not mean, however, that we can�t discuss lying with our children. Some healthy doubt is okay.
When talking to our kids about a suspected lie, make sure they�re doing the thinking. One effective technique goes like this: �Do you think I believe you right now, or do you think I don�t believe you?� If our kids respond with �But, I�m telling the truth,� we should resist taking an accusatory tone. Calling children liars is like throwing a grenade at a squad of Green Berets. Kids will fight back � insisting that they�re telling the truth � simply to protect themselves.
If we think a child is lying, it�s better to say, �If it�s the truth and I don�t believe you, then that�s sad for both of us. But if it�s a lie and I don�t believe you, then it�s double sad for you.� First, the child is telling a lie, and second, he or she is around people who don�t believe him or her.
Many parents run scared from saying, �I don�t believe you� to their kids. They fear that saying it will somehow destroy the bond of mutual trust. But the phrase is useful. Kids don�t have a comeback to it � they can only defend their honesty. We�re not calling them liars; we�re simply stating that we don�t believe them. That makes them do the thinking.
However, if we know our child is lying � if we�ve caught him in the act � then the dialogue is over. We say, �Ken, you did hit Doug in the face. No matter what you say, I saw you do it. Now how are you going to make it right?� The act has occurred, the child is guilty. The only question is: What is the child going to do about it?
Generally, honesty is conveyed to our kids through our actions, not our commands. We need to step back and analyze the model we are presenting our kids. Do we ever ask our kids to lie for us? Have we ever whispered into our children�s ears �I�m not home� when somebody we don�t want to talk to calls on the phone? Do our kids ever see one parent call in sick for the other parent, just because Dad or Mom doesn�t want to go to work that day? Have we made up lame excuses (translated, lies) to get out of social of church obligations? Have we promised items to our children, and then changed our mind, or vice versa; told her children that we are going some place, and decided not to? These things may be little, true, but they have more impact on our kids than all the lectures about honesty we could ever deliver.
When kids do tell the truth, love-and-logic parents respond with support. We must say, �Thank you for being honest. I�m sure it was hard for you to tell me that. I bet it was hard on you to know you made that mistake. That is really sad.� Then we drop the issue.
Too many parents tell their kids, �It�s better for you if you tell the truth,� then they punish their kids for what they did wrong. Such a statement might be true in the long run, but most kids see life through short-run eyes. If they are grounded for a month in punishment for a �crime,� it is clearly not better for them to tell the truth the next time.
Rather, we should be more sad for our kids than angry. The consequences will do the teaching, not some unrelated punishment we might impose.
-END-
This is directly from Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay - www.loveandlogic.com
