My 7 Year Old Son's Best Friend Lies All the Time

Hi A.,
Could he be lying to boost his self-esteem? Could be some issues there that his parents need to help him with. Just a thought.

Its emportant that mama knows what her son is doing if he is not taught what is right now he will have a lot of troube in latter in life so do it in a none threatening way aswith love good luck A. raised 4 children and 7 grandchildre A. no hills

It seems like the theme is that he lies about things that would be exciting IF they DID happen, or were true.

Nearly every toddler does this. "I have the same shirt!" (when they don't) actually translates to "i love your shirt, I wish I had one just like it!"... the ticket, age appropriate NOW would translate into "Wouldn't it be cool if I had the winning ticket??? We could all buy space ships, blah blah blah."

Toddlers just get excited about another toddler having the same thing, or the idea of a winning ticket, and THEY get excited, which enforces the behavior.

To me it doesn't sound like the friend is lieing, but IMAGINING, and communicating it badly (aka, not in an age appropriate way). It works out in games of pretend

kid a: "Well I can fly, so you won;t catch me copper!"...
kid b: "But I have a rocket launcher that can blast you ut of the sky"
kid a: "Good thing I have rocket blasters that blast YOUR rockets out of the sky"

This can continue in one-up-man-ship... until you hear the words "40 kabillion gillion infinity forever, so THERE!"... or one of the kids can stop it and be like... "and THEN I shoot you with ooze, that turns YOU into a robber and you get into your jet and fly away with me but then the POLICE have HELICOPTERS with flying sharks...RUNNNNNNN!!!!!"

None of the above could be considered lieing (unless you consider play acting lieing)... it's when one person is talking about real world stuff, and another is talking imaginary stuff that there's a disconnect.

My guess is either that the parents are COMPLETELY unaware (because they're used to playing along with sudden imaginary games), or that they've been working on his wording for some time, but he's either too excited to pay attention or doesn't see the difference between what they're saying and what he's saying. My own son out and out doesn't believe that other people wouldn't find hearing the same joke 50 times in a row as funny as the first. Kids his age DO (by and large), but the older kids he spends most of his time with are distancing themselves. Which is sad to watch, because he doesn't understand (yet) how to judge his audience. (BIG class clown, my son, will do absolutely a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. for a laugh. But when we moved, we're now in with older kids 90% of the time.)

It would be a very VERY kind thing to call them up and let them know that a lot of the kids are starting to view his imaginary things as lieing, and that they're *starting* to pull away from him because of it. This gives them both an out, and an approach to go about fixing it, as well as shows that you care.

Of course, it COULD be lieing (self esteem issues, poor kid trying not to act poor, modeling lieing that happens at home, etc.)... but having worked with kids for a long time, 9 times out of 10, it's merely badly worded imagination.

Wow, that's a tough one. I have a three year old son who seems to 'lie' often. He says things we know are not true, like "daddy hit me" (when we know that he didn't) or "someone else dropped blah blah" (when he really dropped it) etc. I realize these are harmless lies right now but I try and gently correct him everytime he does this by saying this is not acceptable or that he doesn't have to lie. He thinks its funny when he does this. At 3, maybe he doesn't understand the consequences but your story sheds light on why its important for me to guide him correctly right now. Having said that, if my sons best or closest friend felt that his "lying" was so obnoxious so as to alienate him and his mom heard that, I would want to know. Especially, if that said mom is my friend. I care about my friends kids as much as I care about my son and if I think they are doing something to harm themselves, I would bring it up with my friend (isn't that what friends are for)? How you bring it up to her depends on the kind of friendship you share - if it were a really good friend of mine and our sons grew up together for 7 years, I would expect her to come tell me about something like this to my face. Also, if u have been friends for 7 years (or more) such issues might have come up in all these years, no? E.g. I have mentioned to a friend of mine that my son lies (her kids play with my son all the time) and she scoffed it off saying he's just 3e, he'll get over it. But by 7, if this behavior is causing her kids angst and she finds out, I would expect her to bring it up by saying something like, 'remember, we talked abt your son lying?? Well,....' I hope this helps and you do the right thing for your friends son. Good luck!

my husband had a friend in high school who was a compulsive liar, just random little lies about nothing important, but he got made fun of all the time at school, and beat up and my hubby had to stick up for him because this was a good kid he just had a mental problem. I know my husband was right to help him, my husband is a good man and very spiritual person. Metaphorically speaking, he wouldn't walk past someone lying in a ditch, he would climb down and help them. I think it is good that you are trying to help your friend. Our children are the future and if they are messed so will be the world!

I know my husbands friend had some mental issue whete he couldn't really differentiate between reality and imagination, he believed his own lies. But that didn't stop him from getting fired from all his jobs or getting kicked out of all his apartments, his own mother kicked him out. He's gotten arrested and kicked out of the military as well. All between the age of 18 and 20.

you don't want your friends son to end up like that. Poor kid needs help. Its not always intentional when they lie, he shouldn't be shunned. Children like that need a little extra love. They need reminding. A loving reminder of reality.

good luck and do speak to the mother and express your loving concern for her child. Please help her.

She's your friend. Tell her. If it were me, I'd try not to make it too heavy, just a, "Hey, do you notice all the little white lies? What do you think is up with that?"
I remember those kids that always lied in elementary school... and I also remember the ones I encountered in early adulthood... Couldn't BEGIN to tell you where they are now but I can only imagine, you know? Good people distance themselves from those they cannot trust to be honest, in life. If it were me, I would not want that future for my friends son and I'd say something to his mom in that spirit. GOOD LUCK!

Just a thought: In reading your post & the other responses, I was reminded of my Mildly Autistic nephew who always spoke of himself in the third person, by name, until he was diagnosed with Autism and got some help with that. Lying all the time might be a missing filter in the brain, so to speak. Maybe there's a book or a group that addresses the problem. :)

I disagree with the moms who tell you to leave it alone. Seven years old is too young to let somebody dig his own hole just so you can avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

I think you're VERY kind to consider this boy's future. My best friend in nursery school was a girl who lied all the time, and I eventually dumped her as a best pal because I didn't like being lied to. Seven is old enough that a reputation can stick for a few years: What a shame if this boy's 1st and 2nd grade years are ruined by this bad habit.
If it helps, you can talk to the mom by asking if your tactic is OK with her. Like, "Just so you know, your son and I talked about lying the other day. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds, but it's a subject I'm working on with my own son, so I couldn't pass up the lesson." Bring up the topic of lying, and my guess is that she will jump at the chance to open up about her concerns re: her son's lying. And if for some reason she doesn't know about his lying? Well then, you are doing her an even bigger favor.

Hello, I had a child who was big into lying. It was so frustrating and I tried everything. I came from a family where my mother would lie to us about each other. I tried to use our relationship with her to model how this can effect our family. Nothing seemed to work. Suddenly, she outgrew it. She is an honest adult now. I'm pretty sure that this child's parents know that he lies. Keep in mind that some story making is normal and actually a good sign of imagination. If it is something that isn't really important, I would leave it alone. His friends will take care of the problem when he gets caught by them.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Good for you for setting that as a rule for him in your house. My first thought is, what does he lie about? Are they embellishments, do they serve to make him look better, are they "white lies" that he is learning from watching his parents? This is also an opportunity to talk to your son about why he thinks this boy lies. I'm not sure it would benefit your friendship with his mother to talk to her about it and if she doesn't know, she soon will as kids may stop hanging around him. That you have a "no lying" policy will be great for him and you're teaching your son that this behavior is not to be tolerated in his own life.

Best to you!

Jen

There are two types of lies at this age-avoiding trouble, breaking rules and imagination.

If they are truly "white lies" this will pass. My son is 9 1/2 and at age 7 he vehemently insisted he had super powers-he even got in a fight defending himself and his belief in his superpowers. To us it is ridiculous but to him it was real. He imagines things to the point where he actually believes them himself. There are often times when I have to stop him and tell him "no, it did not happen, accept that". It takes growing through-as reality hits, his imagination will go away just like all of us, some kids just hold on longer. Popping this bubble can actually be harmful, they really have to work it out themselves, unless it is physically dangerous

Lies to cover up bad behavior are never acceptable. These lies will only get worse the more he gets away with it. If he tells both types of lies it is important to make sure to nip this quickly. I would talk to your friend and let her know if this is going on and explain the difference.

Let your son know that his friend is pretending and that sometimes we believe what we imagine is real. Let him know that it is ok to be his friend even if it's hard.
Good Luck

Hi A.,

I am confused as to why you would want your son to be friends with someone who is dishonest. I find it to be admirable that your son recognizes that behavior and impressive that he has a strong enough sense of himself not to want to associate with dishonesty. Talk to your son about this. Does he see qualities in this other boy that make a friendship worthwhile despite the dishonesty? See what he feels. Really, this isn't your decision- it's his.

Having said that, here's an article I wrote about why kids lie. You might find it helpful. Maybe your friend would, as well.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/4/6_Pants_O...

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

first, i wouldn't be surprised if his mom already knows that her son lies a lot. a compulsive liar will lie know matter where or whom he's with. but the question is...is his mom doing anything about it? she can't honestly be oblivious unless she's living under a rock. i'm sure she is probably having a hard time with it. maybe just tell her that you notice he lies a lot...and see what she says FIRST, maybe she's been waiting for help but not sure how to approach this.

Hi A.. I think you said it all. If your child was doing this- you would want to know. Let your friend know that.

Well, my FIRST reaction is "Stay out of it. His mom already KNOWS he's a liar", ya know? Don't kid yourself..if YOUR boy were this way, YOU would know, right?

That said, if you are VERY close w/the mom, then it shouldn't be an issue discussing your concerns about her boy. Just make sure it's done in a tactful way, so as not to say "YOU'RE a bad mother because your boy lies." There may be some real deep, hurtful issues that he's dealing with that make him act this way. Maybe you might have a guess as to why (?)

I would also advise that you talk with your son about this. If he likes the boy & enjoys hanging out with him, then just let it continue. Boys in particular have a "way" of working out the little kinks in their friendships, ya know? Most of the time, boys don't obsess over this kind of thing, they just shrug it off - and he may not feel comfortable enough to "stick up" for his friend when his OTHER friends are talking trash, and that's ok, too.

Whatever you do, TRY to come from a place of compassion on all fronts - for the boy, for his mom, and for your son. There IS a reason why this boy tells small and tall tales...

Completely agree with Riley J's advice below.

Hi A.,

My mommyvice is this...you and the boys mother are friends and if you are that close you as her friend should let her know everything you have observed, everything you heard the other boys say about him, and how you feel about what is going to happen to your sons friendship with the little boy because not only does it need to stop but she needs to be aware so she can start to take the correct steps to stop the lying. You can find additional ____@____.com

Hope this helps!

V.

Hi A., this is a tough one. I think it would be best not to say anything to the other mom or anything else to the boy. I agree that it was called for and acceptable to tell him that there is no lying in your house. You didn't really single him out but rather laid down the law. I just get the feeling that the mom will go on the super-defensive if you say anything. Unless the boy's lies are putting your son in harm's way I would try to stay out of it as much as possible.

However, I would talk to your son about lying and how this other boy is doing the wrong thing and how it can be dangerous. I am picturing that he is lying about where he is going (although 7 might be a little young to think like that). For example, if he lies to his mom about where he is and then gets hurt or into trouble, no one will be able to find him. Good luck with this and let us know how things progress!

It sounds like this child is trying to cast himself as the star of the show, when in reality he might not be so dazzling. It's probably a confidence or self-esteem issue and good child therapist could help him out. His mother would have to go to the school and explain the issue to be assigned a school therapist. Sometimes they have group therapy offered at school and this can be helpful to a child who feels he is the only one who doesn't quite measure up. I think it's wonderful that you are not casting this child and his mother aside because of his problems. It's all part of the flavor of life and affords you the opportunity to teach your son a valuable lesson about acknowledging peoples shortcomings, and loving them anyway.