My 13 yr old son is constantly lieing about things. Even when its Sooooo obvious that he is lieing. For example last weekend he asked if he could go to the movies with a few friends, the movie was suppose to start at 7:30. I asked who all was going and he gave me a list of friends. I asked him to see if one of his friends parents could pick him up since i was in the middle of something. It was 7:15 and he never came back to tell me yes or no. So i went and asked him well... what had they said. He said that his friends parents had said no... i asked him well how did you ask him,(he had already told me that he didnt have his friends phone number) he said he asked him on my space....Well that was a lie cause the only internet access we have i thru my cell phone which had been with me.... I got upset and told him He could not go because he was lieing. Not only that i also called one of his friends parents and they had not heard of them going to the movies. As soon as i told him he could not go he grabbed the phone and called his "LIL GIRLFRIEND" to tell her that i did not let him go...... I even asked him who are u talking to and he told me "My girlfriend. I couldnt believe it... How stupid does he think i am. He basicly confirmed that he had been lieing all this time. Well yesturday i dropped him off at school then i dropped off my lil son. On my way to work i drove by my older sons school and i saw him, his friend and his "lil girlfriend" walking away from the school. i stopped and honked and he walked up to me and i asked them Where were they going. They said they were going to the gas station to buy somestuff cause they still had lots of time before school started. I didnt want to be the witch he already thinks i am so i said, ok im going to call the school and i better not find out you skipped. He said no and i left. After school i told him i better not find out he is late to school because of his lil trip he said no the classes he has been tardy to have been other classes withing the school day. Well today i got a call from him he was in the office and he had called me to let me know that he was having in school suspension from being tardy. I immediatly asked him if he had been tardy yesturday to his 1st class, he said no and started rambiling off. I told him to let me talk to the teacher that was with him and she confirmed that he HAD been tardy to his 1st period class, not just once BUT 7 times!!!!!His punishment is always worse when he lies, sometimes i punish him for just lieing. I dont know what else i should do. I try talking to him openly, like the whole movie thing, i told him that if he would of just told me i would have let him go.... I would of gone with him of course, but i wouldnt have sat right next to him or anything but i would have taken him.
WOW ive gotten such a huge response!! First of all let me say THank you all very much.... ive been signed on to this site for months and this is the first time ive ever used it. I will defenitly recommend this to all the moms i know....As for some of your responses i would like to add that I "AM" and "im NOT" trying to be my sons friend(does that make sense) I know and He Most definetly knows that i am his MoTHER!!! But i would like for him to be able to come to me to talk and ask me questions about girls and drugs etc... I was NEVER able to talk to my mother or any adult about stuff like that so i got all my info from my friends.... Which of course i ended up getting all the wrong answers.... Up until recently i was terrified to ask or talk to him about certain issues. But one friend made a good point, "Would you rather have him come to you when its too late, like if he gets a girl pregnant or catches something"??? Of course not..... And No i am not ready to be a grandmother or anything like that but kids never ask "mom are you ready" they are just going to do what they do.. and unfortunatly i can not be with him 24/7 so i can not stop him from having a girl friend. I use to tell him he could not have a girlfriend till he got a job. ANd well he still has no job!! But he does have a girlfriend. I do go to church but Havent been in a long time so yes i need to do that!!! i have taken him to some church youth groups although he hated it. So i need to keep trying. I have alot of faith that god will help me through this and that hopefully he will grow out of it. But i also know that god can not do it alone. I will keep reading all of your responses and i will try whatever i can to guide him. So far i talked to him and i told him that for 1 month he HAS to ride the bus...(he hates that) in one month i will contact the school and ask for a copy of his attendance records. IF he has NO tardies i will start dropping him off at school, if not he will keep rididng the bus. Also, earlier in the school year I Went to school with him all day!!! I did not let him know i just went and went with him from class to class i even ate lunch with him. That really worked cause he was getting referals regularly and it stopped. So i also told him that if he kept up with the tardies i would have to go back and make sure he isnt late!!! Dont think he liked that to much. I also talked to him about his season pass to six flags and hurricane harbor. TOld him that if he straightens up i will consider taking him and his friends there or to the movies. I also explained to him how hard it is for me to trust him when he lies, and that when he does lie i can not reward him for it. I will have to take away privleges. He seemed to understand so i just hope he realy did. But i will just have to wait and see. Oh and about the police officer scaring him straight. I had tried asking an officer to do that for me once, but he made such a good point. Said he did not do that cause he didnt want kids hating or being afraid of cops... makes perfect sense!! Although i would like him to fear them or someone, but i wouldnt want him to hate them....ONCe again Thank you all for all your help!!!!!! Thanks for the encouragment, it is a hard non stop job. I need all the encouragment and help i can get!!!!
You need to get a book entitled "Back in Control" by Gregory Bodenhamer. In fact, ALL parents need to read this book!
I found out about it and bought it when my daughter was 15 and it is a great book. I wish I had had it from the day she was born. She is 30 now and a wonderful person, thoughtful, respectful, sweet, caring and a great mother to my two precious granddaughters.
Tell him he needs to be honest and stop lying if he wants to go places with his friends and stick to it.
I have a friend who is a teacher and had a student like this. The student acted up and was known for his dishonesty. One day the student was accused of something he really didn't do and was sent to the office. He couldn't believe he was being punished for something he didn't do. My friend had to walk him to the office and he complained to him all the way. My friend explained to him that because of his past history no one would believe him and that he better stop his lieing now before he was accused of something really serious. He could be blamed for almost anything and everyone would assume he was guilty because of his reputation. Luckly this incident woke him up and he realized that if he didn't change he was in big trouble. He graduated from high school and even though he had hated rules in the past, he joined the military. My friend said he is a nice, very responsible young man now.
R.,
Please step back and "listen" to what your son is NOT telling you. Be very aware of his activities. Check his room constantly. He is at the age where he will begin experimenting and your description of his behavior is suspicious. The lies are to cover up something else he is doing or planning on doing and to distract you. Restrict him from leaving school for ANY reason. Send snacks to school with him if you have to and promise to walk him into class every morning if you get one more tardy notice. Get him involved in sports or other activities. Be patient, vigilent and let him know he is loved. I will keep you in my prayers.
M.
Boy, this is a tough time for you! I am there myself, with a 15 year old son and a 13 yo daughter.
From very recent personal experience, I would say the most important thing you can do is to allow him the space to spend time with his girlfriend - on your terms. You are not going to stop it (I know I will be blasted for that. It's the truth though.) and disallowing it only makes it be hidden from you. This causes the two to find time to be alone in secretive (lying) ways, which is bad, because they are then alone, not supervised. I hope this helps, it's just another way of looking at things. Respect goes both ways and unfortunately, 13 is the time where they are starting to want to make their own decisions, we just have to "help" them make the right ones.
Good luck, R.!!
Hello,
I am the proud mom of three. The best thing I can say is that you are his mom not his friend. You have one job and that is to raise a productive MAN who has a moral compass that will guide him correctly. That said...You need to stop worrying about what he thinks of you and make him understand that you are not willing to sacrifice him for his happiness. In other words...I would have found out who the other two kids were and called there parents to let them know that you were concerned about them leaving the school. I would not allow him to leave school property ever again for any reason without permission. You were unwilling to embarass him in front of his friends so he wouldn't think bad of you. How much did it embarass you to get that call from the school? You have to start playing hard ball. He will up the anti and you have to be willing to do the same.
I have a 13yr old daughter who had a huge problem with lieing and impulse control. She would do some of the most Bizarre things and then lie about it. I made a rule early on that if I ask you and your honest the first time, I will not punish you in any way. I will discuss what you did wrong. If you lie at first you get a little punishment, if the lie gets longer so does the punishment. It teaches them that its easier to tell the truth.
Part two...no one will ever love your son the way you do,so do everything you can to make him loveable. I would even go as far as getting to know the girlfriend and her parents to make sure she is the kind of girl you want him around. If he has a friend, make sure before you let him go anywhere with them you know there parents.
My 13yr old daughter is not allowed to go anywhere with anyone unless we know them well. I was molested as a little girl and am not so afraid of trusting some of the parents, its who they trust when my child is around that I cant be sure of. She is also not allowed to have a "BOYFRIEND" until she is in high school. I explained to her that she can't date yet so why call a boy you only see at school your boyfriend. Dating is a gift from God that is meant to help you find a future husband or wife. She is not getting married in middle school so there is no need. I actively encourage group fun among her friends, specifically in my home. How else can you get to know who he is hanging out with and the character of those kids.You may already do these things. I don't know and I am not passing judgement on you.
I just believe that I can be my childs friend when they are grown and can handle an adult relationship. Now is the time I need to be an advocate,care taker, enforcer,quality control person, human resources,and all those other professional terms that as a stay at home MOM I dont get paid for.
It is not easy. I struggle everyday with my kids. It does help things to be easier to have this outlook on parenting. I assure you one thing, he may not like you now but he will love you later.He only has one mom and we only get one chance to get it right.
I know this sounds harsh but I tell my daughter "You are not supposed to like me all the time or everything I say, but you will be respectful and obey"
Goodluck, feel free to contact me anytime. I feel we learn from each other and I have had some really great people to guide me.
I am sooo sorry for what you are going through. I chased my kids around and they lied all the time. They were at home all the time because they would hang themselves. My daughter also left notes around and they would fall out of the clothes when I would wash or different things. My friend said she was too smart for that. I think kids want to be caught in a way. It is so hard for them to say no on their own. But if they get caught and are on restriction then they save face. When my 5 yr old granddaughter came to me she was so thrilled when she got her first restriction. It meant I loved her. Wise child. Keep setting limits. One thing we did and maybe a lot of parents to not agree but we got a recorder and taped phone conversations. They basically knew because my older step daughter would stop her friends from saying things telling them to be careful what they say but having it helped us know their friends. I was floored to hear those conversations. 14 yr old girls wanting to get pg. They did learn fast that all you have to do is take a refer magnet off the refer and put in the window security contact and they would sneak out. We never caught them, but they did. One night a neighbor called us and he had called the police because he saw kids at my daughter's window. He thought we were being robbed.
You are doing what you need to do. Kids do not like to like us. But it is our job to keep them safe. Give him as many yeses as you can so he can feel trusted but also check with parents every time to make sure they know where and when and what the kids are doing. We had a situation once where all the girls 4 or 5 of them all said they were sleeping with the other and they spent the night at a boys house in his room and the dad did not know either. I am sure nothing happened with that many, thank God but they did not get away with that one. I was so grateful for being married at that time in my life. I could not handle it alone. So if you can get involved with other single parents and take the kids camping or on church deals so that you have a support group to help. I had to go to Tough Love and that helped a lot. They actually would take and switch kids so that they could see that mom is not a push over and other parents also have rules. If the kids run away they also have to sign a contract and are not allowed back to parents until they have a proof of their genuine turn around of behavior. This will be the hardest thing and you are on the right track and being on top of it is all you can do. Thank God here there are curfews and my friend said her high school student even was in her front yard and a policeman told her she had better get inside because he did not even want to see her foot off the curb on the front yard. So that is a good thing.
Right now it seems he has this girl friend and is trying to appear grown up. Have her around so you can meet and know her. Take them shopping or to the movie with a bunch. See if he has a friend with a girlfriend and take all four. Pray a lot and focus on keeping your strength. I thought I was going crazy but some kids just rebell. I had 3 in the home and one at grandmas and it was the hardest few years I have ever endured besides the divorce and getting back on my feet. I hope I am not about all me I just have had a lot of experience since I am older then most of you. I was flat out chewed out yesterday by a member who decided not to mind her own business and was offended by my response but I can tell you that it comes from my heart and experiences. I will pray for you and now that my daughter is 32 she says she had to go through it all in order to be who she is today. I just think there is an easier way but we are all trying to find who we are all our lives. Grow and mature. Some times we have to deal with painful things in order to forget other pain. So keep learning and trying things that may work. I do think Tough love helped me see that other parents who also loved their children so much, were also going through some times worse then what we were. It does help. Teens do these things because their brains are still not fully grown and they do not have all of it to be able to reason and that is why they are given to us. God Bless G.
Are you involved in church?
I used to have that problem with my step-son but for him it was acting out on what he had learned form his bio-mom. Church and counseling is what helped my step-son.
My only advice is to make the punishment for lieing the worst possible that he would rather tell you the truth, then lie. Have you thought of a behavior contract? Spelling out what your expectations are of him and what will happen per violation of one of those. We did this with my kids with the list of expectations and 4 violations if they violate any of the expectations. If you are caught lieing, you go straight to the 4th violation! The contract has made discipline easy for me because all I have to do is ask my kids, "Do you need to move to a violation?" and it straightens their behavior.
I am sorry that you are going through this. You sound so frusterated. It's hard when we try so hard as parents to teach our kids and they can be so defiant. I don't have a 13 year old, but I have told my oldest (9) about lying cause he trys sometimes too. It seems to work best for me when I'm not punishing him. I explained to him how his it is ultimately his choice if he is punished, and that when he is honest, and I see him being responsible, it only makes me want to do more for him because he is so special to me. Affirm who he is to you and what you see in him. I explained to my son how lying is a seed that truly grows into uglier things the more he feeds it. And that his words are so incredibly powerful that he needs to use his words to work for him not against him. Maybe if he knows you understand all the things he wants to do and thinks is fun...maybe yall could reach an agreement for the things you will allow him to do and why. Then look for opportunities to reward him. He also needs to see how wonderful it can be and just how incredibly scary when he is not honest with you. You agree to be honest with him and reach an understanding of respect between each other. I am only throwing out what my first attempts would be and I know it's hard to stop when your frustrated and direct it all the other way. But try an affirming hand toward him instead of a hard hand first, and just maybe that will work. Take a deep breath...You're a good mom.
My suggestion is you need to be the mom and not the friend, if he thinks your a witch it means your doing the right thing. You need to set boundries and stick to them don't give in. You need to do it now before he gets bigger and you have no control over him. I can tell you why he lies its cause it works for him maybe not in the long term but in the short it does, he wouldn't do it if it didn't. My suggestion is get it together pull him in closer there needs to be actions for his behavior. first ground him from the phone and make him earn it back, then tell him he can not hang out with the people hes been hanging out with because the are bad influnces. Then your going to have to do some work he is going to have to be an open book to earn your trust, you may have to walk him to his classes every morning if you cant you find someone that can! You check out anything he tells you and make sure hes telling the truth. You may even want to get him invovlved in clubs or sports so that he will have something to do and a new group of friends. He may even need a male role model in his life to do things with and talk to about things maybe he can't talk to you about. Bottom line your going to have to get more invoveled with him and get him on the right track. Parenting is hard and you can't let yourself feel guilty about things and let your children get their way because of that, thats not how the world works and you will just be setting them up to fail. Good luck.
I have a 13 yr old stepson that we have had full custody of for the last 6 years and we too have had the problem with not telling the truth. My husband has to be the one to punish him most of the time because I am not his mom (he considers me his mom because his own mother rarely makes visitation, but that is another story!) My husband was very frustrated with my son and was gettting no where when I suggested this to my husband to do as a team effort - we took everything away from him except books and clothes. That meant no toys, TV, playstation, computer, no outside activities, no friends over and no telephone for 2 weeks strait. He had to stay in his room except to eat and use the bathroom. (He made up alot of reading homework and extra credit work resulting in the A/B Honor Roll!!!) After the 2 weeks were up we allowed him 1 hour of TV per day. The next week we added 1 hour of Playstation, and so on. IF he lied at any point we took a priveledge away for another 2 weeks. This was NOT an easy task at all and he did lie a few times during the process. This punishment allowed us as parents to monitor him closley. As far as school goes we had a problem with him not turning things in to class, well I took a WHOLE DAY off of work and went to the school (talk to the teachers and principal about this before hand) I did not tell him I was going to show up, I just did. I followed him around school ALL day acting like a mother of a 1st grader and he was SO embarrased. I felt a little bad, but another mom told me about this and it worked! NOW, all I have to say to him is IF YOU CANNOT ACT LIKE A RESPONSIBLE 13 yr OLD I WILL SHOW UP AGAIN! Needless to say, I have not had to go back yet and he is turning in his work. (By the way the teachers LOVED it and some other parents have done it as well) In your case you may have to physically walk him to his class or have him sit in the office in the morning until school starts. Talk to a teacher that he likes and you like and try to get suggestions from them. I would not allow him to leave the school grounds with ANYBODY before or after school. You have to be consistant and stick to your plan. I hope this helps you out, if you want to talk more just send me a note!
A. Q
Dear R.,
I am sure that on top of being irritating it is also terrifying. I would highly recommend Love and Logic. It is a parenting program that a lot of the schools do for just this situation among other things! Also, my family has gone to a therapist friend of mine over the years and she is just great with teens she also teaches Love and Logic and works with kids. Her name is Patti Villalobos and her number is ###-###-####. I am also a volunteer and graduate of a program called Pathways that I would recommend for you as an adult and the Family training for you and your son. It is great training that teaches you both how to live together and communicate with respect and accountability. The things that are out there right now are very scarey like Triple C. If he can't be honest about tardies then he is in danger of the really bad stuff! We will pray for you and if you want any more information about Pathways call 800-866-7284 and ask for Margret. She is a mother of teens and the coordinator of the family training.
R. I don't have suggestions, but I have a 12 year old son that I am experiencing similiar issues. If you get good advice can you pass it to me? ____@____.com right now I do the same as you; punish more for lying. I even introduced vinegar (a friend told me this). It may seem like it is better for younger kids, but a teaspoon of vinegar is NASTY and he hates it. It has helped, but well there are still a few lies going on... geez huh?
My son was the same way. He's 21 now and is much better at telling the truth than he was most of his teen years. I'm not sure if it's a 'phase' that boys go thru (I didn't have this problem with his older sister). Keep calling him on his lies and make sure the punishment 'fits the crime'. From my experience, councelling may help. I, too, was a single mom and sometimes I think it had to do with the fact that his father was not in the picture, but I don't have any 'evidence' that this is actually the case. I wish I had an answer for you - just be patient and pray alot. You will be in my prayers - as well as your son.
****
I just read the responses of the others before me. The last one - it's his choice. That's very true - and I did use this with my son - have him write the consequences. Sometimes, that helps them see things from your side and makes them see just how serious lying is - or wrong choices are. Contracts work, some. We had a contract after my son was released from rehab - I had one for him and he had one for me. Actions and consequences for both of us. It was eye-opening for me, too.
Again, be patient and consistent - pray alot.
At a plesant time of day, not one where you just needed to scold him, have a sit down talk, and explain that with priviledges which he will want as he is now in his teens goes responsibility, and if he wants more freedom etc. he has to show he earned it, as when he lies about where he is you have to resort to treating him like a first grader, is this his choice. Also mention that sometimes for emergency purposes you need to know honestly where he is. What if someone needed to be rushed to a hospital, he may need told, how can you if he lied about his whereabouts. I feel for you & this advice may not help, but worth a try.
I don't have any advise but I did want you to know that your not alone! My 12 y/o in 7th grade does the same thing all the time. My prayers are with you!
C.
I just have to applaud you for being willing to get in there and do the tough love thing...it's so hard for you, being a single Momma. One day, he WILL thank you for it, even if he may hate you now. You hang tough, Momma, you're doing the right thing. Stay in his face and let him know that you will not let up til you begin to see him maturing and handling that maturity. You might want to look into Big Brothers if he doesn't have a male role model (a positive one)...that could be a great thing for him, to see a grown man handling up on his business & being a mentor to him. I've seen it in action, and it's a great, great program.
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/H...
All my best to you, and my prayers are with you.
Hello R.,
I am sorry you are having such a problem. Mine are not that old yet but I can tell you that the one thing you might want to do is to be consistent. Reward him for the good or normal things that he does. Whenever he tells the truth, make a big deal out of it. Whenever he tells a lie, come down hard on him. If his brother tells the truth, then go out of your way to be rewarding of the truth and do not come down hard even if the event was not good. That way he would see that telling the truth is more rewarding than the lie. So there was no reason for him to be able to use your phone or any phone at all after lying.
Girlfriend at 13? Shouldn't he be saying yuck to girls and tumbbling around with guys? Going to the Gas Station during school time? Leaving school premises? That should be forbidden. Remember that there is a little one watching. 7.30 pm for a movie for a 13 year old when you are not physically present should not be allowed. They have matinees don't they? Also from now let the other friends parents call you to request an outing. Do not take it from your boy. You will succeed but first you must put him on a very short leash. You must be strong and consistent to not loose control and save him.
Goodluck on tough love.
Oh Gosh R., My heart ached when I read your post b/c we have been dealing with this for 4 years now. My son is 17 now and a liar. So my advice to you is not to try to get him to be honest, but to show him you aren't falling for the lies. for example...you just found out he had 7 tardies..did the school send a letter or call for the other 6 times? did your son intercept them? Don't ask him for explainations, get your own proof. i.e. "Give me the # of the parent who is driving"...don't ask who's going, who's picking up...ect, assume his his lying and make him work to earn your trust again. Find out from the school how they notify parents of tardies, report cards, etc. Be proactive honey, b/c they are smart. My husband I view it as a battle of will's in the teenager years...And we will be the winners. ps...I was rasied by a single mom, I know you are tired, I know this is hard. He is going to test you to the limit. Get some trusted people in your circle to help support you and help keep him occuppied. I hate to say it, but after school b/4 my mom got home, I has into a lot of bad behavior b/c I had a lot of time on my hands without supervision. Pray for strength and guidence from God. D.
R. what I share with you may sound to easy, but it will take time. Do you feel he has become irresponsible? Your son needs to know that he is a valued member of your family. Children raised without a male influence tend to go outside of the bounderies. There is an organization called Thursdays Boys who may be able to help you website below. Read about it.
http://thursdayboys.net/AboutUs.html
Help your son to feel important and valued by having at least two meals with him, you can pick him up for lunch if breakfast is not a good time and at dinner and talk to him. Ask him if he plans to go to college, or if you all could take a vacation where would he want to go, or if he could pick any car to drive what would it look like and listen to him talk. Let him bring home a friend for dinner so that you can see what he sees in his friends. Then when you are both alone ask him what does he like about that friend and just listen. If you don't like his friends don't say so, just say something like I can see why he would want to hang around you! Your smart, handy at ___, a good friend who will always give good advice, say a good thing about your son. Get a grill and teach your son how to use it so that you can have some of his frineds come over and your son can be in charge of cooking the meat for hamburgers or hot dogs. Teach him proper temperature for burgers, how to light the grill, give him the important job so that he can began to feel useful. Fix his favorit or special dessert to share with all his friends. Introduce yourself to his friends and be cool but where they know they are guest at your house and intro small brothers as this is Tim's brother Jimmy. Be sure to set up a place for all of you to sit together out doors together. Plan a game of volley, soccar, or card game. If you can plan the evening you have a better chance of makeing the evening something your son would be proud of and you to be a part of. Set the rules such as no smoking, or drinking, or cussing but you say it like this. Sam I would appreicate it very much if you would please not smoke around us, second hand smoke is hazerdous to othes health. Can I get you some more dessett or another can of soda? Show them you care about them.
Now this is the most important idea. Do not tell your son what he can or can not do. Do not give him the 10 commandments of do's and don't. When he ask for something that you are tempted to say no to, negotiate with him. For example I'm going with my friends to the movies. Hey Charlie, that's great I'll drop you off and pick you up. Also before you go I need your help with a few chores. Why don't I fix us a harty breakfast and we can work together for a few hours before I have to drop you off. If he makes excuses, then say you decided we can work at this together or you can forfit your plans. I will need your decision after breakfast.
If your son lets you down; example he is not there to be picked up at the time or location you agreed to and did not call you to tell you that there was a change of plans. Refrain from being angry he expects that. Get it out of your system and when he comes home don't yell. Instead in a calm voice pull up a chair and explain the consequences. Since you did not do as your said you will not be able to go out for 2 weekends and loose phone privlidges. You can get your phone back when we can have a relationship based on respect and trust. Why don't you go to bed and think about it. He did not expect a calm parent who lost it. Instead you let him know what he did to loose his privlidges.
Your son needs a trust worthy adult. This is by far the hardest thing to find and I hope you can find the support form Thursday's Boys. Be fun, supportive, calm, patient and use the techniques above to assit you and I think you will see your son began to respond. Just don't lay the law on him that will send him into a tailspin and to his friends. Instead negotiate and make it a win win for each of you.
Well R. I hope this helps!
I know you have already gotten way more advice than you probably wanted, but as a social worker who works with kids with behavioral and emotional problems I would encourage you to talk with the school counselor to see if there are any parenting groups you can attend for support. This is just the beginning. I know you think he is still young, but I've worked with kids younger than him who have gotten into way more trouble starting just like he is now. If you can't get any referrals through the school, Lena Pope Home has different types of groups and counseling and you can call them at ###-###-####.
Dear R.:
I heard this one from Dr. Laura. I tried it on my older son 1 time and it worked. He is the most honest boy I know. I have also tried it on my youngest, but it hasn't worked as well. I guess that it is worth a try!
You just lie to your child. For instance, I told my son that we were going his favorite restaurant, then drove right by it. He couldn't beleive it. I told him that I had lied. We were not going to the restaurant. I then told him that lying destroys trust. It destroys relationships. Then I told him that I love him. I didn't want to have a ruined relationship. I explained that we must trust each other to have a good relationship.
He cried and we hugged each other and promised not to lie again.
I hope that this helps!
Good Luck
J. N.
R.,
First I would ask, 'Do you ever lie in his presence?' Example - "Tell them I'm in the shower" if someone phones you don't want to talk to, or any 'little white lie'? So many in our society do. Hopefully that is not the case, but if it is, I'd suggest you sit down and talk with your son about how important the truth is - how important that his "word" - the things he says - is and will be through his whole life. That if he is known to be a liar, people can't believe ANYthing he says.
I don't know what your relationship is with the Truth (Jesus said, I am the Way the Truth and the Life) but He is the one to turn to. There are 'lying Spirits' mentioned in the Scripture. These can be bound and cast out, but without understanding - your own and your son's, you don't want to go there yet. Speak to your pastor about it and if he doesn't believe in casting out demons, find one who does - most any full gospel or evangelical body.
The most important thing though is to believe that there is NEVER EVER ANY reason for lying. The truth is ALWAYS better. Be a guardian of the truth yourself, then approach your son - and tell him - if you have been guilty - that you are going to do your best to be a better example.
He's at that age where he's transitioning - it was a difficult period for us when our boys were that age. Hopefully drugs are not involved, but watch carefully for the signs - know what the signs are. No parents are prefect. We ALL make mistakes. We can only do the best we can do. I offer that only by God's help and a relationship with Him will things change.
I'll pray for you : )
Blessings
Grami
You need to be on the same page as all his teachers & the school office. My suggestion would be to first have joint conferences with all parties present so there is NO misunderstanding or miscommunication, even though you may have trouble scheduling your work. He must understand that no one cares that "You just don't understand him" or that he might be the "laughing stock of his friends". You are most concerned that these lies will escalate. Your job is to keep him safe, not to be his friend.
I would suggest also talking to his primary care doctor to get a referral for a child psychologist (yes, that referral needs to be for a CHILD psychologist). He should expect ramifications for his actions, however, you may need a professional to help figure out why he feels the need to compulsively lie and suggestions for you on how to deal with it. There may even be a single parent support group in your area.
Is his noncustodial parent involved? This will take as much coordinated effort as possible.
I've never been a single parent, so when we had a similar situation it was a joint effort. But having seen my very close sister go through single parent childrearing problems, I know there is nothing easy about the job. I hope you find support in dealing with this crisis.
J.
R. you should make him write full reports on what the lie was about, why he lied why he shouldnt lie and consequences of how lies effect our relationships. I would then have him do research on presidents(that should be easy) who lied.... the longer the report the better. He should remain on restriction until this report is done and each time he lies he can expect to go on restriction with a full report as his punishment. If anything it will cause him to think before he speaks and stops the lies. Good luck R.!
I also was a single mom (from the time my son was toddling). I made a point (usually when a friend's kid would give her trouble and I would hear about it) to remind my son what a great help he was to me, not necessarily by what he did *for* me, but by what he *didn't* do--lie, cheat, steal, smoke, etc.
If his father is in his life, you should both sit down with him and explain how difficult it is to not be able to trust what he says. Explain how much easier his own life would be if you *did* trust him! And, as the earlier response said, reassure him that you're not a prude--that you know what goes on in the lives of 13-year-olds--and that you would be better able to work *with* him toward his goals if he were honest with you from the get-go.
Remind him also that his little brother is looking up to him for guidance, so he could really be doing everyone a big favor all at once by being "the man" and being truthful with you.
The toughest part is going to be learning to trust him again, no matter what agreement y'all reach about being honest with each other. You'll have to really stick your neck out a few times, I'm sure.
Good luck with it all.
R.,
I know it is hard being a single parent. My mother did it with me for a long time. I wasnt always and angle. Have you looked into big brothers and sisters program. Your son might just be needing someone he can look up to other then mom. Someone to guide him in the right direction. As the school counselor about the program they should be able to help locate the right people for you to get into contact with. And keep in mind he is a teenager, they do grow out of it..I have two 14 year old twin boys. Be patient and ask about some mentoring programs in your area that may be the best thing for him at this age. It will give him something to do and positive outlook on things. Not to mention you a break once in a while. This stage is a hard one to get through but it is worth is in the long run hang in there and good luck.
M. B.
He is definately testing to see how far he can go. You have to be consistent. I would make the consequences for lying very clear (a visual house rules with consequences would be good). It is definately harder for us as parents to enforce the rules then for our kids to break them so hang in there. One day (it may be many years from now) he will thank you for loving him enough to be a tough, strict mom who would not let him get away with doing wrong.
Getting him involved in a youth group might help too. Lots of churches have them.
R. -
Hang in there, I have 3 kids 2 daughters 15(she'll be 16 in may) and 10 and a son that is 5.
I am blessed with very honest good kids but I have had my share of struggles with the oldest.
I was a single parent for a long time so I feel for you there.
Do you have a good male role model that you son looks up to?
I found with my oldest daughter that her relationship with my sister, brother, and mother was very helpful.
Sometimes children have an easier time taking advice from someone outside of the home.
Hope this helps and good luck with your sons.
S.
You have received a lot of good advice. I would also recommend the Love & Logic series, and here's another great book everyone should have: "Boundaries with Teens". It addresses many issues with teenagers, including lying, and can empower you.
With my 15 year old daughter, we drew up a contract that she and both parents signed, saying what priviledges she had lost and what she needed to do to get them back. We set time frames and when she had met the criteria, she earned the priviledge back. This worked extremely well, and we have had no issues with her in over a year. An example: she had to turn in her cell phone to us every night at 9:00 and not delete any ingoing or outgoing text messages or call information. That way we could monitor who she was communicating with and what the content was. (She was in a destructive group of friends.) Then we got rid of the bad friends one by one and she made new ones. Not really easy, but well worth the effort.
Good luck!
My Dear R.,
My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, like another lady here I am in the same situation. Only, I am the noncustodial parent. Their father and his parents threw a fancy lawyer and manipulated evidence to win primary conservatorship of our two children now 12 and 11. He really didn't want the kids though and for 8 years they lived with his parents. He remarried and had another child with his new wife. After their daugher turned 3 or so, they moved my children in with them. Now those two are divorcing and he has moved in a new girlfriend who has an emotionally disturbed 14 yr old daughter and another 7 yo. Now my husband and I are seeing serious behavior issues that the other side of family just want to blame on us instead of paying attention to them. My daughter is very cold and distant and my son is extremely dramatic and emotional. One extreme or the other and in the middle are all these lies. For example, we received a bill from Sprint long distance for two dollars worth of long distance calls on our house phone. The numbers were two of his friends from his dad's neighborhood. We use our cell phones for long distance calls and have always told the kids they are more than welcome to call their friends, just use the cell phones. Well, he looked right at our faces and said he did not use the phone. Previously, last year I smelt something burning in the bathroom, both my kids are obsessed with candles and fire. {in a curious way, don't get alarmed} anyways, he had just gotten out of the bathroom. but denied he did anything. I saw the burnt toilet paper and the candle lighter was warm. We had a party to go to and I threatened that the whole family would stay home if someone didn't fess up... My daughter lied and was going to take the punishment for him just so we could go. She informed me that happens all the time at their dad's. We try our best to make this an open home to talk about problems or concerns, but whenever I try to talk to him he clams up and gets very angry with me, he says he just wants me to leave him alone. I am worried at what this kind of behavior is leading to. But what can I do. ANytime I try to get more involved with their school counselors or his coaches, his dad or grandparents cause huge embarrassing scenes in public. Not that this bothers me, but it devastates the kids. Any suggestions?
I once heard a James Dobson quote, as as a mother of 10 children, I believe it's true: Once your children get to be over the age of about 12, it's kind of like cancer, the time to prevent it is past, and now you have to treat the symptoms.
Your training to teach him not to lie has pretty much past, and now he is a habitual liar. You must realize that, and not trust him. Everything he says and does, you must check up on. This is for his safety.
Maybe you will want to drop him off at school just as it begins, and watch as he goes in the door. Ask his teachers to send you a note letting you know if he is tardy or skips. If he says he's going somewhere, check it out with all the parents first. He's proven he cannot be trusted, and this is only going to get worse.
You need to work on winning this child's heart. You and he are headed for a lot of heartache over the next few years.
