My son will be 3 in about two weeks and has always had quite intense separation anxiety at nighttime. We had been laying in his bed with him in his room until he went to sleep. However, he is such a light sleeper and we have creaky wood floors when we would get up he would wake up and start screamng and crying. So recently I told him I couldn't lay with him anylonger. I could sit in the chair for five songs of his nighttime CD. Then I told him I would have to do chores so they would be done and we could play during the daytime. He did real well with this and seemed to understand. The first night or two he would let out a little cry/wimper when I got up to leave. He would be able to hear me because I would leave the door open and he could hear me in the kitchen washing the dishes. I told him I had to do my chores and I would come back up and check on him when I was done. If he was asleep when I came up, he would get a surprise in the morning. The next few days he really didn't even cry when I got up to leave. This lasted about a week. Then all the sudden last night and again tonight he screams and cries and wants us to lay with him or sit in the chair some more or get worked up and says its scary or says he has to go to the potty 10 times in an hour. (he has been on and off potty training for the last few months). Last night was IT....He was up from 1:00 to 6:00 in the morning. I told him I could sit in the chair for one more song and had to get some sleep myself so I would be able to play with him. He kept crying and screaming. He was out of his mind as was I....I finally told him to just come into my bed.....what I was avoiding this whole time when this started which is why we sat in his room. Also of note, he has a new baby sister as of April 1. I just don't know what to do any longerI Please help! I want to get some sleep, but I also want him to be able to go to sleep on his own and comfort and go back to sleep on his own at nighttime if he wakes up. I know this is important. Advice?
You might try "The Sleep Fairy" by Janie Peterson. Check out behavenkids (dot) com.
You could also try sitting with him at night and moving your chair a little closer to the door each night until you are out of his room in the hall. It's a slow approach but it may be easier on both of you.
Hmmm. Maybe you could do a sort of modified Ferber method? Instead of sitting in a chair for 5 songs then getting up and doing your chores and coming back to check on him when your chores are done (hoping he is already asleep)... maybe you could check on him at regular intervals instead?
What I did with my son, who was about 2.5 yrs at the time (I was very pregnant with his sister at the time), was this: After all the bedtime "stuff" was done (teeth brushing, PJ's, potty, nite-nite kisses with Daddy or any guests, prayers, stories, etc) was lie next to him on his (full/double sized) bed in the dark. Sometimes I'd wrap an arm around him, sometimes he would throw an arm on me. I'd sing him one song (something I'd made up just for him and had been "his" song since he was tiny) and then say "okay, now I'll lie with you for 3 minutes and then I need to go _______" (chores basically). And I would count silently in my head so that I actually knew how much time was passing. At the end of the 3 minutes I would say, "okay, time for me to go" and I'd re-tuck his covers, hug/kiss him and his lovey (stuffed snowman), tell him I loved him and sweet dreams... and as I left the room I would whisper that I'd be back to check on him in a few minutes. And then I did. I did some dishwasher loading, or threw clothes from the washer into the dryer or whatever---stuff he could HEAR me doing. Then after about 5 minutes or so I'd quietly (not tiptoeing though) go down the hall and stand at his doorway and look in. If he was awake still, I'd just whisper "just checking on you. Sweet dreams." and leave and go back to doing more chores. Sometimes he would ask if I was ______ (doing dishes, whatever--trying to figure out the sounds he was hearing). Sometimes not. Sometimes he'd already be asleep. But I'd keep checking periodically (like with Ferber, the interval would get progressively slightly longer, but rarely longer than 10-12 minutes). I might turn on the TV and go check on the commercials, lol. But usually he was asleep within 15 minutes. Something about his knowing that I would be back to check on him, not just once, but regularly, seemed to do the trick.
And when the time came the first time for me to leave him/them with a sitter and they were going to be asleep when we got home, I promised them I would come "check on them" after we got home. And I did (of course). And I told them the next morning about the kiss I left on their cheek or forehead, too. :)
I'm guessing that a lot of your son's issues are related to his new baby sister though. He may feel like he is missing some of the close one-on-one time and is struggling with that. Hence manipulating into getting more of it at bedtime, when sister isn't demanding your attention. Sounds pretty normal. But if you can manage to find a few extra minutes during the daytime to spend one-on-one with him, it might help a little with the bedtime. Do you still let him sit in your lap and read stories during the daytime? Maybe when his sister is napping? I'd recommend you do if you aren't. :)
I had a similar problem.
I bought a giant bag of glow sticks & put 3 on the table on our way to bed. If you stay in your room you get all 3 in the morning, each time you get up you lose 1.
You have to stick to it, not say aww he is crying i'll give them to him anyways.
The first few times we only got 1, but has worked like a charm since.
Probably any little trinket/reward would work, but we love glow sticks.
I had something similar happen with my at-the-time three year old shortly after my son was born. All of a sudden she was scared to sleep alone, she was scared of noises, she was scared of the dark, etc. We had a two-pronged strategy: 1) We started talking about her guardian angel, and how she isn't really alone. That her angel watches over her and when she's scared, she can talk to her guardian angel and hug her stuffed animals. 2) Similar to what Victoria posted, I would stay with her for the first five minutes and say that I would come back and check on her in five minutes. When I would come back, I would praise praise praise her for staying in bed. Then, I'd say I'm coming back in 10 minutes. Again, lots of praise and "I'm so proud of you"'s. Eventually I would only have to say, "Don't worry, I'll be back to check on you," and again heap on the praise. If there was a noise she was scared of, we would identify it and then repeat. Always be sure to come back and check on her and lots of praising. Eventually, she got it and would proudly exclaim that she wasn't scared anymore! I won't lie, it took a few weeks - and thunderstorms remained an issue for some time - but we got through it! I think your son just needs to know that you are there for him too. Good luck! You'll get through it!!
OK, I need to clarify that I'm telling you this because you want him out of your room and sleeping in his throughout the night. There may be those who tell you he needs you, it's OK for him to co-sleep, he is experiencing anxiety about the new baby, etc., but that's not what you indicated you desire. So, you need to let him know that tantrums (the crying, screaming, saying he needs to go potty 10 times an hour, etc.) will not get him his way at all. You were on the right track but you caved. You need to be consistent, he needs to know that you're not going to give in no matter what.
It's going to take awhile and I'm sorry you have to do it now that you have a tiny one, as it would have been easier before, but if you really want him to sleep on his own you'll just have to do it.
You've already laid with him, sat in the chair, then moved out of the room to do what you need to do. So now you have to sit him down during the day and say something like, "From now on you're going to go to sleep in your room, and stay there. We're not going to lay down with you or sit in the chair. (You need to take away his bargaining tools.) We don't want to hear crying and screaming, and you need to stay in bed. You'll go potty after your bath, putting on your pj's, and brushing your teeth, and that's it, you're not getting up again and again to go potty (another bargaining tool.) You don't have to go to sleep, but you have to stay in your bed and be quiet. Everyone sleeps in their own bed and room at night." He understands, you've said that yourself.
Then you or your husband park yourself outside his closed door after your "good nights," and when he opens the door you calmly take him back to his bed, don't turn on the lights or engage in conversation, just kiss him and place him in bed, turn around, ignore the crying and go have a seat outside the door.
After the first time you don't say a word to him as you take him by the hand (or carry him if need be) to his bed, turn around, leave and close the door. Be prepared to do this all night if necessary, which is why I'd start it a night your husband doesn't need to go to work in the morning so he can help. You need to let your son know that tantrums will not get him his way at all. Each night will get easier, though at the time it may not seem like it. And when he gets to the point where he sleeps most of the night and then wakes and comes to your room you have to take him back or it all starts over again in his mind.
Make sure he has a lovey of some sort to hold through the night, and tell him he can talk to it. Don't reward him for staying in his room all night, you expect him to.
Here's an article that goes into depth of what I've said. The author dealt with the same problem and co-wrote the book "The Sleepeasy Solution" which is excellent, and she refers to what you are needing to do as "boot camp." She mentions that potty-training would be a reason not to sleep-train at the same time, but as he's been "on and off" I would concentrate on this and then deal with the potty training later as the discipline would more than likely help him there.
http://www.parenting.com/article/how-to-get-your-kid-to-s...
Take naps if you can, and take back your nights ; )
Years ago we had a small short lived problem with our son doing similar stuff to keep us in his room at bedtme. I tried telling him I would stay 5 minutes, but no matter how long I was there he always wanted more. One night I just said, ok fine, YOU tell me when its time for me to go. And he was so excited to get to make the decision he actually couldnt wait to give the orders for me to get out of his room! It was well less than 1 minute and we only had to do this 3 nights and he was fine without me. You might try letting him make the decision to give you your walking papers,,lol
