Help! My Son Falls Apart Each Day...

Updated on February 14, 2008
D.K. asks from Broomfield, CO
23 answers

My son who is headed to four years old has always been captain independent. Babysitters, even playdates and so on, never once a tear when I left. He was accepted to preschool in January and started up, he LOVED it, was so excited, proud of himself and did perfect for four weeks. Each day a kiss and a hug and was off. It is only 2 1/2 hours long and I would come back and get him. Now all of a sudden two weeks ago, he has started really getting anxious about school, asking me how many hours before school (he has no cluse what an hour is) and then just asking me over and over, then has to hug me and kiss me and his eyes fill with tears when we get there. The teacher said he has cried a few times, then yesterday had a full blown fit, I mean hysterics. I was almost in tears trying to just walk away as I had to. I don't want to cave and send mixed signals. I HAVE asked him if everything is good at preschool, no mean kids and everyone being nice and he said all his friends and teachers are very nice. He ends up calming down shortly after I leave and enjoys his day but he fills himself up with so much anxiety beforehand. He doesn't go to school until after lunch so that makes it even harder on me knowing he is getting himself all worried and worked up. I started kissing a sticker and putting it on him each day if he misses me or feels sad, that worked the first two days. I am making sure he is getting good sleep too. I just don't know where this anxiety or attachment to me came from. I tried going to my daughter teacher conference and had to take him with me as he was in such a huge upset over me leaving the house for 30 minutes!!! I don't want to coddle him, however I am not sure how to handle it without coming across mean. I have reassured him I will be back, I don't draw out the goodbye process and there are no new changes in our lives other then him going to school. I thought it would get better but now it has just gotten worse...any help or suggestions would be appreciated!!!!!

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So What Happened?

He had a great day yesterday!! YEAH~! Thanks for all the replies. I think it was a combo of just being something out of his routine and his dad hasn't visited (he lives out of state) since October. Yesterday not one tear. I think the problem was my lingering, that I think esculated the anxiety. I gave him hugs and kisses, gave him a heart sticker and I left. I think it is important we don't show them our worries as I was getting myself worried about his upset and he read into that. So I just was very matter of fact, explained I would see him soon and to have a great day and left. Believe me, both of my kids since the divorce have had me full time here and my attention so I know he isn't lacking in attention. I have managed to do the daycare thing and still carve out special time for both as they need that. Most of the kids I watch are off to school when he goes too so there isn't anyone here to play with which is why he was so excited at first. He has a few days a week with me to himself while his sister is at school too. I think it was just the change, he loves being a big boy and was so proud he had a great day. I trust this school very much so as my daughter went there as well and it laid a great foundation for her to head to Elementary. Next year he will go back to the same school in Pre K too. If he was truly miserable or if I felt truly there was a problem with the school I would pull him out the rest of the year. He did this freaking out when I left too from our house last week when I was leaving to go to a conference at my daughters school, so it wasn't exclusive to school I think he is just delayed in separation anxiety, hee hee.
I just am big on kids trying new things, seeing the world is bigger then just our house and him being in a situation he has peers to work with and a new grown up to listen to. I think he will be fine, just hoping today is as smooth as yesterday. We had lot's of positive talks and reassurance I would be back at the end of the day. Thanks all!

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C.B.

answers from Denver on

Hi, my guess is someone might be picking on him at school. My twins were going to daycare last year and seemed fine for a while until one day one of them starting crying saying she didn't want to go. That happened everyday for awhile. All the teachers said that everything was fine. Finally after asking a lot of questions I found out that a little boy was pushing her and being mean. When I brought it up to the teachers they said "oh ya, he doesn't mean anything by it". Its a year later and she still talks about that boy being mean. We ended up taking them out of daycare and bringing them home to be with a nanny.

Good luck

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J.G.

answers from Pocatello on

I'm a mom of 4 kids. I have found that afternoons are the HARDEST times for a child to start into something new. They're tired by that time and thus emotional levels are elevated. You may need to sit in the corner of class for a while. And little by little reduce the amount of time that you stay. My guess is that the child has not found "their place" so to speak. Meaning how they fit into the routine and subconciously feel important to the ongoings of class.
Good luck.

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S.S.

answers from Salt Lake City on

It sounds to me like your son is having separation anxiety how old was he when you got divorced ? My little brother went through this my mom ended up taking him to a counselor and eventually on meds but short term wise he had to know where she was while he was at school and how to get a hold of her and that he just could get a hold of her any time

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A.R.

answers from Denver on

I know this can be a very stressful, but if you are patient this will soon pass. It is normal for this sort of thing to happen at this age. His need for you will constantly ebb and flow. Since you have ruled out anything at school, I think you can be safe to wait this phase out. Just keep doing what you are doing, be consistent, and always make sure to tell him you will be back for him. Good luck!

A.

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K.D.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I agree with Alane, just keep doing what you are doing and it will pass. Just continue reassuring him that you'll be back and make preschool sound like the best time. Make sure to ask him what he did at school - did you color a picture, play outside, etc. Maybe if he talks about it with you after the fact, he'll be more interested and excited because he knows you want to hear all about it. And what kid doesn't want his mothers undivided attention?!

Can he do morning preschool? It might make it easier if he can get it over with and not have to think about it all morning. Just a though.

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J.F.

answers from Denver on

Hi D. K!

Your letter doesn't say how long you have been divorced and whether or not your son sees his father. Is it possible he is upset about seeing his father leave the house and not return for a long time? How long have you been doing daycare? Is it possibly hard for him if he sees other children get upset being dropped off? Kids internalize everything and sometimes it takes awhile for them to figure out what what they've seen. It could possibly even be other kids at daycare that had a hard time separating from parents.

I do know that all three of my children are well attached to myself and daddy. None of the three of them are excited to go to school (I have a 9 year old boy and twin 5 year old girls). Our girls have a late birthday so we waited to send them to kindergarten. Even though they will be among the oldest in their class, they are starting to stress about leaving preschool and starting kindergarten. I do not allow my children to be stressed out. I'll give them as many kisses (and whatever) as necessary for them to feel secure (even staying in classrooms if necessary). We can't always know what our children are thinking. I've also found the best time to talk to them about such things are when we are lying together before bed. With the lights out and my arms around them, they seem to open up the best about things that are on their minds. Good luck with your little boy!

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H.W.

answers from Denver on

So glad to hear he is doing better!!

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T.P.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Sometimes our little ones need extra assurance and love. Especially if you are a single parent. Talk to him more about it when he is calm and you are having some sweet-time one on one with him. Most kids have seperation anxiety at some point. It used to help me if I could find some of the other children that could be playmates with my child. Learn their name and help him get excited about having a friend. Then he can look forward to this time. Also talk to him about how you always come pick him up. Have you personally felt that seperation anxiety with any of your kids? Sometimes they see we are acting different. Also praise is good. But be sure to talk to him, and give him the reassurance that he needs. Maybe even call it something different. Like 'playtime' or 'big boy school'. Also to have a treat or something fun to do after if he can be a big boy will help. He will have that to look forward to. Most important - give him a lot of hugs and loves.

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M.B.

answers from Denver on

Talk to his dad. See if he is telling daddy anything diff. Also ask your son if he talks to daddy about school and what he thinks of it. YOu might find out some good info that way.
I say that because i dated a guy that had a kid and i loved the little guy and he loved me. Then outta no were he would see me and would have a huge fit. Come to find out his step dad to be was saying stupid things. He would say will you help me draw a monster and his step dad to be would say im not gunna draw (then he would say my name) On fri when we would pick him up it was terrible but when we would take him home on sunday he would say bye i love you! So maybe its something similar. Find out who else he talks to and what all they say to him. Also ask him if he has had any dreams latley.
Good luck!

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K.P.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Anytime a child gets anxious about a preschool after being fine for sometime--you need to be sure to do your home work. Everything may be fine. but you are the one who needs to make sure of that. You are asking him the questions-yes. You are asking the teachers if he is fine after you leave -Yes. But a teacher is going to tell you that he is fine because they don't want you to think otherwise, and your 4 year old is going to think mostly in the immediate yeah everything is fine". He also knows that you take him there, so to some extent that makes it ok even if its not. You need to find out if he has really integrated into what is going on in class and if the environment is right for him.

Show up 30-45 min early to pick him up one day unexpectedly. Leave his coat or something in the car accidentally one day so you can go back 5 or 10 minutes later to drop it off. Ask very specific questions "So who is he playing with? What was his favorite thing to do today? Was there anything he didn't want to do the last couple days? Are there any of the kids he doesn't get along with? Can you show me some of the things you are working on?" The more you ask the better.

Ask Him "So who do you like to play with at preschool? What do you play with them? Are there kids you don't play with? Why? Whats your favorite thing to do there? Why? and so on. Compare the answers and see what you come up with.

This will help you figure out if he is really integrated into the preschool or not. From there you can figure out if he just needs time to adjust, or if needs a change in preschool.

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P.W.

answers from Denver on

Hi D.,
I'm a mother of early teens now but when my kids were little, they had a little separation anxiety about going to preschool. After some questions, we found out that they were anxious about where WE were going to be when they weren't with us. So what we did was to actually drive the kids to where we would be so they could see where we were going to be when they were going to be at 'school'. We said.."So now you know that this is where we are going to be when you're in school." Once they understood where WE were going be, they were more comfortable with being separated from us. And in being divorced, your son might feel he needs to be with you to 'protect' you during the day, whether physically or emotionally, and that might be giving him some anxiety. Just a thought.....

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G.D.

answers from Boise on

Your son may have seen another student act this way and saw the response they got. Parent may have taken them home or whatever, I'm sure you get the point. I would suggest going a few minutes early. Spend some time with him in an activity with the other kids. This will keep him busy with his peers and you can exit. Good luck!

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J.C.

answers from Boise on

sometimes when a child starts preschool or daycare at first they don't react because it's new. But then when they figure out that it is routine especially three year olds they are more emotional even two year olds, but when the newnes of going wears off it seems normal that they might go through this faze. maybe because they are wondering what your doing or they remember what use to be.

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M.M.

answers from Great Falls on

D., this is a sad time...
I'm thinking, if a sticker helped a little (so cute, to kiss a sticker, you're a great mom!!!)
then maybe a cuddly cozy favorite teddy-bear or other stuffed animal could go with him.
Maybe you could tell hm that the teddy-bear is missing him at homne,
and he also wants to see the world (the bear, i mean)<
and wouldn't it be nice, if your son were so nice and took the bear out for a couple hours walk and by the way take him to the daycare also, to show him (the bear ) the world a little> And, before you go, hug the bear dearly and whisper into his (bear's) ear some good words and then tell your son that he will also look after his best friend (your son), for you, as if passing your love over to him every single second when you are not together.
You know, to make your son proud and responsible for caring for his bear, and an object from home with him, to feel cozier also. It sounds rather like the friendship of Winnie the Pooh and his best friend Cristopher Robin... :)
maybe it'd help your son to switch the attention from feeling lonely and abandoned by the beloved mom, but instead, to start feeling confident and important at the time of being trusted with caring after another soul (oh well, the toy soul, but this is how we all start, right). It might leave him no time to be sad or frustrated.
Especially, if you talk to the daycare teacher and make sure she will support the 'play'. for instance feeding the teddy-bead also, and inviting the bear into the circle of listening to the story and play.

It is all good to try out IN CASE if it is really all right in the daycare. I do not know how to check on the place and people there, but with this abrupt change, it really seems like something scared your boy there...
Not meaning to say anything bad, but life is life and this world is pretty harsh. I know a girl whose real FATHER molested her from when she was 3,5 , but she spoke out loud about it only when she was 16 (!!!) they lived in one house until she was 9, and it all went on, without mom or anyone knowing the situation. There were some strange lines of behavior, but nobody could actually put it together... once she spoke up. all the puzzle pieces finally fit together. Now think about it, why she was quiet for SO long, and never asked for any help??? Part of it is: scared. Bad adults know how to make kids be quiet, by scaring them: if you tell mom, ... oh, anything, up to the point that she will die... I've heard stories, but THIS girl I know very closely.

Another thing: maybe, if you ask your son, would it be okay for him to try out a DIFFERENT daycare: what would his reaction be? If he will feel extremely happy about this option, then you may be more cautious about this current daycare, then there might be some hidden reason. If your boy will be as reluctant with a new place, then maybe it is not about people in the old place...

I don't know more, but this is all I could think of, D.,
and with all my heart, I wish all your family the very happy days! Take care!!!
M.

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R.M.

answers from Denver on

Hi, I haven't had this problem, but as I was reading your message the book the kissing hand kept popping into my mind, It's really cute about a baby raccoon, his mom kisses his hand and when he starts to miss her, he puts his hand to his cheek and can feel her love.... maybe he might like the story too!! My daughter just turned 4 and she often turns the story into a game... hope this helps.
R.

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C.J.

answers from Denver on

Hi D.,

Your son is still very young and although he always appeared stoic and independent he apparently seeks an emotional connection with you. There's nothing wrong with giving it to him. Just cuddle with him to your and his heart's content, but really do it in a way that it both nurtures you to the core. Then afterwards, it's easy to go back to the business of the day.

We can all read body signals and a hug can be hurried and unattached. I'm not accusing you of that, I'm just pointing out that he may not really sense the connection he craves.

My son, when he was 15 a time or two still sought my closeness by wrestling with me a bit. I could have freaked out over it, but recognized it for what it was and let it be without making him feel weird. Now he's 20 and he still likes to give me hugs. He and I actually really communicate through hugs; they are not shallow.

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A.W.

answers from Great Falls on

Dear D.,
Is he concerned that you are home with other kids and he is shipped off to another child care program? I know you said it was "preschool" but it might seem to him that you have rejected him in favor of other people's children.
The excitement of a new adventure outside the home now over, he is facing the reality of day-to-day community life that is a bit different than the one he has known for four years. If this program you have chosen really is highly superior to what you have to offer him in your program (by superior I mean, it is respectfully and skillfully supporting his own individual physical, cognitive and social-emotional development and giving him positive experiences that you cannot offer) then by all means keep him there and let him know how proud you are that he is growing up and now able to go to school with other teachers and friends. It is hard for all of us to leave the womb, home, etc. He does need to widen his horizons and will do it best with your whole-hearted confidence in your decision and in his ability to do this.
Also, I'd have an in depth conference with his teacher to find out more about what challenges he is facing at school and continue to talk with him everyday about what he did at school and about how proud you are of him learning and growing so wonderfully.
Some moms enroll in preschool teacher training so that they can be providing a rich early educational experience to their children and to others. I wouldn't suggest bringing your child back home and giving him the message that he is unable to cope with life's challenges. We all have to face our fears! But he does need the best from us that we can offer during these early developmental years.

A bit about me. I am a Montessori preschool teacher and teacher trainer. In my experience, children who had moms who were homeschooling other children in the family often had a difficult time coming to school after the initial newness wore off, whereas the ones whose parents went off to their jobs outside the home generally adjusted quickly.
If you are interested in Montessori training, check the CMI website: www.casparimontessori.org
Blessings to you!
A.

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J.G.

answers from Dallas on

Of course you need to continue to send him to school. Maybe you could take every other day and do something extra fun with him before he goes to school. Then he might have something else to look forward to and won't concentrate so hard on what's about to come. Your son may have been okay at first with going to school because it sounded so fun and exciting. Maybe it didn't turn out quite like he expected and so now he's disappointed and feels like time with mom was so much better. On short trips to a conference or to the store, don't give in either. He needs to understand that you said you would come back and in fact you do come back. Try making a really super huge deal over him coming home from school. Maybe he doesn't feel like it's a big deal, so why go? Get excited when he comes home with big hugs and a fave snack and ask all kinds of questions and make sure all attention is directed at him for this event.

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A.F.

answers from Salt Lake City on

It sounds like to me your doing everything you can just be there for him when you can and be supportive. Keep on reassuring him. It may be a phase and 3 - 4 is still very young.

A.

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C.R.

answers from Provo on

Maybe letting him take a little something of yours along with him would help settle his anxiety and fear of separation. Perhaps your scarf to wear, or your bracelet in his pocket... If he had something of yours to touch or hold during those few minutes of classtime that he struggles with, maybe he would feel that Mom is near. I know each of my kids went through a phase of being very needy and it took actual physical objects to soothe them. I even had one of my daughters that liked to wear my socks. It made her feel special as well as nearer to Mom. Kids' emotions are tough to figure out. Good luck!!

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S.S.

answers from Provo on

Oh.....can I relate to this one! Except my son has always been a homebody. He is 4 as well and started preschool in the fall. He has had anxiety with school and church. If I tell him the night before that preschool is tomorrow, he starts to whimper. He is just barely getting okay with going to both. But that's been 5 months of preschool!! Anyway, I always just do the same routine, get up, eat breakfast, get dressed and go.(Which might be harder for afternoon preschool.) I always give a hug and a kiss and hand him over to the teacher, who he loves. He has so much fun and loves to show me what he learned that day, but the initial send off is hard. I can relate to the guilt you feel, I have almost pulled him out of preschool a couple of times. So I think if you just stick with it and keep being calm in the situation, he'll be okay. I figure that's what preschool is for.......getting used to the whole situation before kindergarten!

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L.W.

answers from Boise on

I have teenage children but know what you must be going thru. I say trust your gut instinct that something is not right at the school. See if you can talk to other parents or kids? Are the teachers yelling, is it too strict, often kids that young don't know how to react to stressful situations because it is foreign to them. I know it seems drastic, but perhaps it is not the right school for your son. Perhaps switch schools. Kids should love to go to pre-school...their friends are there and they should love the teachers. Something doesn't sound right....

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S.K.

answers from Great Falls on

This behavior is normal for his age, to an extent. It sounds like it is going on for an abnormally long period, however. You're on the right track with questions and so on, but I'd dig a little deeper. Are there any new staffers at daycare? Have any routines changed? Are there any new kids and how do they behave? One mistake we make as adults is assuming that kids can exprss themselves in a manner similar to the way we do. The truth is that even if they had the same experiences and communication skills we have they still can't answer our questions in a meaningful manner because their brains are developmentally not at anywhere near the same level as ours (our brains change physiologically until we're about 25 years old), so our questions to them cannot elicit much information, although it does help them learn how to interact. I had a similar problem with my son at about the same age (he's now 7) and he only now is able to begin answering my questions.

In my case one of the problems was that he'd quit taking naps, the daycare was forced by state law to have a rest time, and he hated it. He's hyperactive, a little oppositional-defiant and brilliant and, with our pediatrician's advocacy, we were able to come up with an alternative plan where he initially listened to books on tape or CD's during rest time, which kept him happy and also kept him from interfering with the other kid's rest. Later they put his cot up against the back of a bookcase, posted a large piece of newsprint above it (3' x 5'), and let him draw. He covered each piece with drawings in 2-3 days and had a much happier time.

If your boy has any ADHD or ODD tendencies, he doesn't process information the same way as others and would tend to be upset by being misunderstood, although a teacher might not have a clue that this is happening. As I said, it's difficult to ascertain this, but asking lots of questions and keeping track of any differences in his moods, as well as trying some strategies to compensate will help. One thing I did was make sure our good-byes were connecting, i.e. lots of hugs, talking about what the class was going to do, telling him when I'd be back, etc. At the same time, he'd try to follow me in order to prolong this process, so I'd warn him that I was going to give him one more hug and then leave. It became necessary to elicit the teachers' help with this since he still would sometimes run after me, which helped to establish boundaries as well as their authority in dealing with the situation.

There's also a good book that explains how some children's thought process have difficulty with "normal" stimuli. It's called "The Explosive Child" and, although the title implies that its for kids who "blow up" there are some things in the first chapter that help a parent identify whether it's applicable or not, and you can garner enough information by paging through it in a bookstore to decide if it would be a valuable purchase or not.

Hope this is helpful.

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