My 4 Yr. Old Son Refuses to Go to Preschool

Why does he have a choice? You are the parent, so when you say it's time to go to school, then it's time for him to go to school. He's testing his boundries and seeing what he can get away with. If you are weak with boundries now, when he is a teenager, oh boy will you be in trouble.
You have to give him choices that he can make, like do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue one? Do you want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast? This way he can still exercise his independence. A 4 year old cannot make decisions about whether or not he wants to go to school. He may throw a fit and it may last a while, but if you are consistant, he will learn that.

I had the same problem when my child was that age. Daily we had a fight to get her to stay. She would be literally pulled off of me. I think I cried every day myself just because I didn't want to leave her after all of that. She got sick and was sick for like 3 weeks after that I didn't send her back.. We waited awhile and then tried again. I put her in a different school and put her in the afternoon classes. (She had been used to sleeping in all of her life before preschool came along.) For us this made all the difference in the world. She loved it when she had gotten to sleep in and have a nice lunch at home with me. Then she went off to school without a fight. Now she is a third grader. Haven't had a problem since. I am going to be going through it all over again with my other child next year. I will definately be putting her directly into the afternoon classes. Hope this helps. T.

Who is the adult here? Make him stay in his seat! No don't let him tell you that he doesn't want to go to preschool. He has to learn some things are just a fact of life. If you let him manipulate you this time he will continue to do it. I used to babysit in my home and I had a little girl who threw the same fit as you son when her mom left. The difference with this child and your's is that her mom had to go to work as she was a schoolteacher and not a SAHM. I realize she didn't have the luxury of saying oh we will just go home but she did the child and herself a favor by sticking it out. I was also related to this child and she still did it. The minute her mother pulled out of the driveway; she would stop and play all day! He is using you to get his way and you should definately not let him see you cave. Today preschool who knows what he will pull later if you give in.

Dear A.,
I just found your posting from last month. I'm hoping that preschool is continuing to go well. I didn't read all of your responses, but I wanted to add two ideas regarding your son's unlatching of his seatbelt while in the car.
I did either of two things the few times that my children either climbed out of their carseats, boosterseats, or unlatched their seatbelts.
If it was one child and/or it was a seatbelt issue, I would assess the traffic. If conditions were safe for this, I would "gently" jam on the break. The child would lose his/her balance and maybe fall in the car. I would blame it on the traffic. The kids quickly learned to keep themselves restrained at all times in all vehicles.
If more than one child was involved or for yelling, hitting, screaming, fighting, throwing objects, etc., I would silently pull over to the side of the road, turn off the engine, turn off the children's music tapes and turn on classical or talk radio, and sit quietly (frustratedly stewing) until a child noticed.
It is very boring sitting in a car that is going nowhere with adult politics being discussed on the radio. They would straighten up rapidly.
Good luck!

Hi A.!
From all that you've said, it doesn't sound like he personally is scared of preschool, doesn't like something about it, ect... However you mentioned that he knows you are upset with him, that you had to cancel an appt., that you had to switch preschool, ect... It honestly just sounds like a power struggle to me. 4 year olds are pretty smart and he's got the upper hand on you with this. I've got a 4 year old and we definately have some battles, plus I've taught preschool so I've seen both ends...but don't lose your ground. Sit him down have a talk and let him know he's 4 now, and 4 year old have to start school...even if some days he doesn't feel like it, thats the way life goes, (maybe share something you dont like doing all the time that he'd understand, like cooking, you have to so he can eat). The biggest thing is don't lose your cool with him..don't get upset. Drop him off, tell him you love him, and that you can't wait to hear about his day..all matterafactly..and i promise you within a few min of being in his class he'll stop.
Good luck!!

Hey A.,
You know your child better than any of us. In my experience, with my son (who is now 10) not listening to him would be a disservice to him as his mom. You are your child's best advocate.

I contacted Kentucky Coordinated Childcare when he was exhibiting similar behavior as your son. I soon learned his preschools had it all wrong in the most crucial areas they are supposed to "have it". All kids want to learn,succeed, and please adults, especially their parents.

While he is four and open to school,let him see you listen to his cry for help. Something is not right. Not loving school at four is a red flag in my experience. A new preschool is the needed prescription and a lot of patience and no anger! School as a punishment is a bad idea!

Good luck to you and yours,

Hi A.,

Yes it is possible. And it will be ok. You seem to say he is calm at religious Centers or church.
Maybe just maybe that is were you must check in about. If there is a religious school or home some were that do schooling in God's way. It seems he feel at peace there and comfort. There is so much gone on in schools and it could be very scary for him. Give him all the love and support you can. Ask him why he don't want to go. Maybe he will tell you in his little way what it is
You and dad just hold on and be there always for him.
And listen just listen to the cry.

Have a good day Today (JUST TODAY)
Vicki W.

well i have to say i see a problem here where you gave in and turned around and went home.... not good now he knows he can get his way. if your are sure you want him in preschool just keep taking him. they do stop crying after you leave trust me ive worked in childcare alot. preschool is so great for little ones and once kindergarten rolls around he will have to go so you might as well get him used to going now

Hello. This sounds pretty normal to me. My son is just the same. He went as a 2-year old last year b/c it was at our church and he could not get in as a 3-year old otherwise (waiting lists). He was not ready and he cried for 3 hours straight for a month or more. It is not that he disliked the preschool or church, but he just preferred being home with me (major separation anxiety). He was not ready and in retrospect, I should have pulled him out. We started again this year (after moving to a different state) two mornings a week and it was more of the same. I was ready to pull him out and then he suddenly improved. He still screams whenever I leave (teacher has to pick him up to avoid him running after me) and he does not want to go the mornings of school (cries, kicks, screams), but once I leave he apparently settles down and seems to be enjoying himself. He comes home singing the songs and talking about school, so I know he must be calm enough to participate. I agree if your son likes lunch bunch, then that is good motivation. One thing that helped us last year was going to lunch together after preschool mornings. He really enjoyed that and looked forward to it all morning. Perhaps you can focus on the positive aspects so that he knows you are supporting him through it, rather than 'punishing' him by taking away something he enjoys. Maybe you could work it the other way...offering to watch a bit of tv with him upon returning home from school...and limit the tv to afternoons after school...or something like that? Plus, we read a LOT of books focused on separation ("Don't Leave", "The Kissing Hand", etc etc). Well, it is hard and only you know what is best for your child. You can probably tell if you like the preschool within minutes of walking in...if you do not like it or are uncertain, then certainly try out another. Good luck!

Have you considered seeing if the school would allow you to go in with him to class? See if this makes the transition easier. You could try giving him a week or two where you plan on being with him at preschool and spend less time there every day. Some kids would find this comforting and be able to still participate, others might just cling the whole time. It is just a thought. Is it a new preschool from last year? Have you asked him about his fear and not wanting to go? Try asking at different times of the day; early am, when he is screaming, after school, evening, etc.. See if this gives you any insight. I am not sure who is older, the girl or boy, but does he get alone time with you if he does not go to school? Is he looking for more personal time with you? Just some thoughts. I hope you are able to get him togo. I think preschool is a valuable asset for them, especially since kindergarten is not as forgiving and is often longer.

I have to agree-- take him back to school. Unfortunately, you gave him what he wanted by turning around and letting him stay home. I would pull over the car and strap him back in the car seat and continue to school-- even if I had to do it several times. Also, if lunch bunch is a reward-- sign him up for it every day and if behaves badly at the drop off-- then you pick him up before lunch bunch (despite having paid for it) and tell him that he has to be good at drop off to get lunch bunch. Also, a sticker chart with little rewards to get him to school would be good-- like putting on his shoes, getting in the car, staying buckled in, etc...

Mel

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First, I am glad you made the comment about the fact that it is possible to adopt infants from the US! I also have adopted from the US!

About preschool, I am curious if you have a nightly routine and morning routine where both mom & dad are involved in. When brother goes to preschool, where is sister? It could be a jealous issue if sister is staying with mom all day. Don't give up! Just follow the same routine every day. I am sure if you talk to the preschool teachers, they will help ease him into class as well. Try to get him to class first so that he is not overwhelmed with walking into class with a room full of kids. Or, vice versa, whichever works. I am not an expert, but the few things I have suggested I have read from parenting books!
Good luck!

Hang in there. Sometimes it's harder on the parents than it is the kids. You have to be consistent. right now he knows that if he screams and cries, you will take him home. i would want to do the same thing. i work in daycare and have seen this often. I also worked in my church preschool. i had a 2 1/2 yr old in my room that did the same thing to his mom and grandma for the first week. It took him about a week or a little more to get adjusted. Does he go everyday or just certain days of the week? going everyday may help him adjust better. If you stick in there, he will adjust and be fine. Be strong (which can definitely be hard when our kids our upset),

Hi A.. I'm K.,41 and stay-at-home mother of 5. I started early so my "baby" is 16. Your story rings a very familiar bell. It sounds like your son is conflicted a bit about leaving you. Separation anxiety is very common at his age. He may be feeling guilty for having a good time at preschool, but doesn't understand this feeling. Is it possible that the presence of another child who may be less than friendly is making him skittish? Sometimes a child just isn't ready emotionally for a school type environment until they are 5 or 6. I highly recommend against bribery.They are smart cookies at 4 and faster than you can imagine he will put it together that misbehavior will be dealt with in the short run and that very same behavior over and over will get him ice cream or cookies or tv time just to make him stop. If you think it's possible he just isn't mature enough right now, you may want to re-think the no tv rule or whatever disciplinary measure you have in place pertaining to school attendance. I'm sure you don't want him to feel punished for something he can't help. My youngest son was like yours and it was total separation anxiety for him. He was fine 2 minutes after I left, but he made my leaving feel like I was starring in Sophie's Choice. When you take him back have a routine. Ex: Mommy walks sweetie to classroom door. Mommy bends or squats down to his level and there is a big hug and/or kiss. No matter what sweetums does, Mommy simply smiles,says I love you and I want you to have lots of fun. I'll see you when it's time to come home. Mommy turns away to confidently(no matter what)walk back to the car. If he's yelling don't look back. This sounds harsh, but you reward the yelling if you stop or turn around. If he's not upset at all, give a glance over your shoulder and if he's looking blow a kiss with a smile and keep moving. You just rewarded the nice behavior this time. I did this myself and he's stubborn as all heck. He's smart too and it only took 2 days of me not looking back and presto! I never said I wasn't sitting in the parking lot crying myself and feeling like an awful Mommy. I did. But it worked. Now that he's 19 with a full boat to MIT he tells me he remembers all that and he's glad I toughened him up a little-or otherwise he'd be embarassed to bawl his eyes out on the MIT campus because he thinks his mom disappears when he's not around. I'm sorry to be longwinded. I hope this helps you and your son in some way. Good Luck and God Bless!

keep sending him..it will get better. Teacher really need to help you with this. Lots of love, hugs and get him started on an activity as soon as he get into the class. You must walk away. It tears at your heart, but it does get better

I totally understand what you are going thru. My son did the sane thing last year. If you really like the school he is going to, talk to his teacher's or the director and ask them for any suggestions. Maybe ask if he can change classes. That helped our son tremendously. We just kept insisting that he has to go and that he is going to learn a lot of fun things. The seatbelt thing, we just tell him that the police/fireman will give mommy/daddy and him a ticket if it was taken off. He finally got the point after we kept saying it several times. My mom told us during the school situtation is that he just feels comfortable in his surroundings at home. Good luck!! Let us know how it goes.

Who is the adult here????? You or the 4-year old???????

A.,

I am currently having a similiar issue with my son. He goes to a full-day pre-school and says he doesn't like it because the make him take naps. I have talked to the teacher and she has told me that many children go through this. He says he doesn't want to go in the morning, but once there can't even take the time to tell me good-bye. Probably just anxiety.

However, I will say that we also had this problem with him when we tried to send him to a mom's morning out program at a church in Florida. We finally found out that he was having anxiety about going there because one of the other children in the class was hitting and biting him. Once we changed schools he was much better!

I would talk to the teacher and be sure he isn't having issues with any other children. If not, then go forward with taking him and I think he will eventually settle into it.

Good luck!

A., When I was in K, I knew that my mom was home all day by herself (my dad was in Japan for a year). I cried everyday when I went to school. I finally told my mom it was because I didn't want her to be alone (kids can be crafty!). So, she found out what time I went to the playground and she would sit on the porch of a friends house where I could see her and know she wasnt' alone. She also started telling me about her schedules for the day, (taking care of grandparents by taking them to doctors appts. Things she knew I wouldn't want to do). Maybe you could volunteer a little in his class. Or let him know you have a very busy schedule and you won't be at home, so he has to go. I hope you figure out something. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

my suggestion is to continue to send him to preschool, especially since real soon he'll have no choice, he'll have to go to school. My daughter acted that way a little too, but I just continued to send her and she soon accepted and loved it. I think if you change schools or don't send him he may feel that if he behaves a certain way then he can get out of what needs to happen. My daughter is now 5 and I left her screaming in kindergarten this year for more days than I want to remember. Parent's Day Out programs were fine and preschool was fine, she couldn't wait until she got there, but this year, she started kindergarten and I'm not sure what happened. I thought about changing her to a half day program, but decided against it for a number of reasons. First, she was thriving and would miss out on a great deal if she went half day. Second, she had a great time and the teacher said after about 30seconds she was fine. Third, next year she will be in 1st grade and there would be no option of half day so I didn't want to set an example of if she acts a certain way then she could get her way. Now, if I thought she was not progressing I probably would have put her in half day until Christmas then moved her back to full day, just to help her transition. Do what is best for your child and family, but remember that sometimes kids feel like they're missing out or they want to be with you or anything really. It can be a hard time for them. Keep talking to him, stay positive and hang in there.

best of luck

I had the same problem with my child. The only difference is I didn't have the ability to turn around and go home because I work full time. Believe me though I almost quit my job over this but I knew she has to go to kindergarten next year so we had to come up with a plan. My last straw was when I got so upset at her school I started arguing loudly with her in the hall and finally gave up and broke down crying because the stress got the best of me. This is what I did. I confided in her morning teacher and worked out a plan of action. She has been there for about 15 years so I trusted her. I would bring her in crying her eyes out almost in tears myself, kiss, hug, I love you's, hand her off and run. It sounds cruel but it worked after about a week. It is just enough to ruin your whole day but it did stop. The thing that made me so mad is that my husband didn't understand how horrible this was for me every morning. Hle would pick her up and she would be all happy go lucky paying and have a great time. Now things haven't been perfect every morning but much better. You know your child needs to go to school so just keep it up. Hey, I bet you deserve a little alone time too.

Try to distract him with questions about things he does in class, who the other kids are, what his favorite things to do in school are etc. My 5 yr old was similar last year.(there was always drama Mon, Wed, & Fri.) I just explained to her that if I let her stay home with me each and every time she pitched a fit, she wouldn't ever learn things like the other kids in her class and she would NOT want to stay home with a grumpy mom alllll day. Maybe try taking him out of lunch bunch if he's still a napper. This might stress him out and he'll leave school with negative thoughts just from being tired and grumpy. My 2 yo is still there and tells me he doesn't want to go to school but he has to go and there's nothing he can do to change that. Imagine what will happen if you give in NOW when he's only four, what will happen when he's 14!!! I hope this helps. Stick to your guns and good luck!!!
Deb S.

Mom of three ( 7 on Sunday, 5 and 3 in Oct.)

You don't say if it is the same preschool, could there be issues with either the teachers or other students? My oldest son went to a 3 day a week preschool. He really liked on of the teachers but the other one he did not care for. There was another boy in the class that he became friends with. When they were together they were constantly in trouble. Separate they were fine. The other teacher had a dislike for the other little boy- I overheard her complaining to the main teacher about his behavior and her dislike for this child.
( I had gone back to the room because I left my car keys.) My son finally admitted that whenever that teacher was in charge that she was mean and he spent a lot of time in time out with his friend. Unfortunately my son was a follower and could be talked into doing things he would not normally do himself. When I inquired about his being in trouble a lot this teacher told me that he was only in trouble because of the other child. The teacher ended up moving to a different school site. After that my son went to school willingly and did not throw fits. Try talking to your child and his teachers to see if there is something going on. He could also just be trying to see if he can manipulate you to doing what he wants. Good Luck

Sounds like you are capable (educated) in teach your son what he needs to know for kindergarten. Am I right? If this is the case, maybe you can try some other programs besides pre-school. What I mean is something like a gymnastics class, music class, local mom clubs, local library, etc. I am also a stay-at-home mom and my daughter is with me all day. We have a great children's program at our libray. And I recently checked into a tumbling class at a local dande studio. It is even affordable. I hope this helps and good luck.

First of all. Go to www.mypreciouskids.com and purchase (for about $12) a seatbelt lock. You slip it over the seatbelt and the kids cannot unlock it. If he feels that he can unlock his seatbelt whenever he wants - you have to nip that idea in the bud. Otherwise he is going to start using that on you everytime he doesn't want to do something.

As for the school thing. Get a list of questions and really talk to the teachers. How long does it take for him to settle down, what activities does he like the most? Get a picture schedule for him and show it to him every morning. Something like "first we get dressed, then we get in the car, then we go into the school, then we ....." Try to get the teachers to rearrange the schedule to do something he really likes first. Also Work with him on an agreement. You will take him to school and wait outside for 20 min - and if he wants to leave AFTER 20 min - then he can. My guess is that if the teachers work with you to get him engaged - he'll forget all about you in 10 min and play happily the rest of the time.

Good luck

Who's the adult here? Take him, hug him goodbye, walk out, leave him to the professionals.

a 4 yo cannot "refuse" to go anywhere....if you take him, he goes. He will be fine. Lots of kids go thru this. Get it over with now before he starts Kindergarten. You can't keep him out of "real" school in a year when it's time to go. If he unbuckles his seat belt, get him a booster seat that he can't get out of or unbuckle. In our state, children have to be in booster seats at age 4, perhaps in yours too. This too shall pass.

I'd say maybe try a different church preschool (like where he went to Bible school) where he doesn't know anyone. That might help. Good luck.

Hi A.: i am the mother of 3 sons.Separation anxiety is very common in children this age, but you should not let your son manipulate you. If he is o.k. after you drop him off I would continue to take him if that is what you think is best for him. At 4 he does not know what is best for him.I certainly would not have cancelled an appointment. Maybe you should let your husband drop him off even if it means he has to go to preschool earlier, you could always pick him up earlier. children can be master manipulators but remember you ARE THE PARENT

I would probably tell him that on these days, you have to go and help an old lady because she needs you. That will be your job, and his job will be to go to school. That is not an option. If he cries at drop off, you start removing toys. My gut feeling is, would he do better in another school? Is this the right place for him? Have you visited anything else?

As a former preschool teacher, current home childcare owner, and homeschooling mom of three boys, here's my advice. Not all children are cut out for "preschool." There are lots of other ways to socialize your child than sending him/her off to strangers all day five days a week. I saw that you are a stay at home mom. I know what it's like to be at home all day with no one to talk to but little ones. But take it from my experience as a mom, and being in those "preschool" classrooms. Most children will benefit so much more by seeing your daily work at home than by being forced to go off to a room full of non siblings, where often, life is nothing more than an assembly line.

Is it possible someone (a child) is bullying him at preschool? I don't think a 4 year old should be able to dictate what he or she does in a day, thats why he has parents to guide him or her. But it sounds to me that something is wrong at school OR he is really, really attached to you. If he throws the fit and sees that mom is going to give in and take him home, he wins everytime. Keep it routine, and no matter how long it takes him to get to school that morning, take him, and I promise after awhile he will see you are not going to give in and stop the behavior and be very successful with the routine. As a previous PRE-K teacher and daycare teacher, I know that this is typical of a youngster to take control of mommy or daddy and make them feel guilty. Just keep it routine, keep buckling him in the seat belt if it is every 1/2 mile, and get him to school, the teachers there are professional and will take it from where you drop him off. If you trust the school, then trust it and go on with your day, child free. Keep smiling and LOOKIN UP!!!