Help My Daughter Is 16 and Knows It All!!

I am not a mother of a sixteen year old. My children are much younger. But i was a sixteen year old who also knew it all. And i was in love. The guy i was seeing was definitely a bad influence, but i didn't see that. All i knew is that i was right and my parents were wrong. And the more they objected the more i wanted to be with him. When i was almost seventeen, my parents gave in and let me get married. Right after that i got pregnant and soon after he became abusive and began cheating on me. I missed my prom and my graduation. I ended up leaving that man and now have a very loving husband. I realize now that i never loved my first husband and i wish my parents had been stricter. Your daughter will thank you for it some day. Do not let her go to the mall by herself. Do not give her her phone back until you are sure that boy is out of the picture. Or get her a phone that you can program to only access certain numbers and don't allow texting. Get a spy program for the computer so you know what she is saying and to whom. And don't feel guilty. You are her parent first, her friend second. Make sure she finishes school and goes to a good college and you can worry about bonding with her after. Don't give in. And you should have her put on birth control if you haven't already. If you have to, lie. Say it's to help acne or mood swings or her period. And definitely get her into counseling, and go with her. You will be saving her life. I promise.

I just want to say you are doing the right thing. Have you spoken with her school to let them know these two should not be together. If they are at the same school and the problem continues, I would even move her to a different one if it were possible.
Keep her with you as much as possible and give her minimal time alone and keep talking sense to her. Help her to think it through to the end. Ask her questions about him in a normal conversational tone and in such a way she doesn't feel she is defending him to you. Like what he does and who he hangs out with. And then ask her "do you see him getting off drugs and staying clean?" What happens if you get married and then pregnant and he gets back on drugs and maybe gets abusive or uses the grocery money to buy drugs. What will you do then?
Teens have trouble seeing past the here and now. They really need parents to help them make wise decisions and sometimes we have to be willing to be the "bad guy" in order to keep them from serious mistakes. Keep it up, and if you have a church family- take her for counseling with an adult she respects. She'll get it and then later, she might even thank you.

Not sure if this will help, but you could try to help her see his true colors....if i remember 19yr old boys there are more than one girl in their lives...and if i remember 16yrs old that usually helped a girl move on to the next boy pretty quickly...maybe if you snoop around on him, you'll find something that would make her see him for who he really is...

Hi H.,

I had a very similar experience that your daughter is going through when I was 16. My boyfriend and I got in some trouble, when my parents told me that I couldn't see my (drug-using) boyfriend, I became suicidal. After a 2 week ordeal in intensive care, my parents decided that they would let me see him again with a few conditions. My mom said that we could continue to see each other as often as we wanted, if we would have weekly "home" drug tests administered by her. She told me that if he really loved me and wanted to be with me, than he would quit doing drugs to be with me. Of course he got irate and said that he wouldn't be tested, and he said that it wasn't because he couldn't quit drugs, it was because my mother couldn't tell him what to do. Well, it was worth it to me to be tested for him because he was much more important to me than any drug. But, I shortly found out that I wasn't worth it to him. It took about two months of us arguing over the drug test before I finally realized that I just wasn't worth it to him. We had dated for 2.5 years, he was my first everything and I was madly in love with him and would have and almost did die for him. All to find out that he wouldn't even quit smoking pot to be with me. I think my mother was very smart to put it all on his shoulders and try to make him prove his love for me. I must say that I was crushed, but I broke up with him and a month later I met the boy who is my husband now. We dated for 4 years and have now been married for 13 years. I can't imagine what my life would have been if I had went down a different path, and I narrowly missed that other path. Good Luck & God Bless to you and your family.

Sincerely,
M.

H., I do not have a child this age, but we recently went through about the same thing with my niece who is 17. She was 16 at the time and in with TOTALY the wrong group and dating a boy that sounds very similar to this! Her father contacted the police and they told him that he could have her put into Brentwood and could have the boy arrested because of his age. Now, we KNEW that she was smoking dope & drinking (that's why he was considering Brentwood). She was caught a couple of times drunk and caught once in the act of smoking dope with a friend. She also gave alot of grief to her dad and grandmothers. The situation was a little different because her mother sent her to live with her dad because she couldn't handle her. Eventually, she decided to move back with her mom instead of go into Brentwood. Her mom is married to a military guy that was restationed during the time she was here & once they were away from the other crowd of kids she was hanging with, they felt they were more prepared to take her back and handle the situation...anyway...that was way too long a story! The advice I can give is to see if you can get her any help, like counseling or something. You have control over what she's doing until she's 17 (in Louisiana-I didn't look to see where you are). You should check the age if you are in another state. Good luck with it all & the support is here if you need it!

Kids always think they know best. The attitude could be coming from him giving her drugs also and she is rebelling because of the rules you have implemented. First i wuld surprise her with a drug screen, second I would contact a juvenile officer and make them aware of the situation and have them talk to her and take her visit a facility for those who choose to break the law and keep a close eye on her friends and communications. The computer is the worst thing cause teenagers today know more than us and can get to things and hide programs and we will never find them. There is a program you can download on her computer called " key logger" it is free and it will tell you every key she types and you will be able to figure out what she is typing and what her next move will be. I have a 14 year old son that thought he knew it all till i put this program on his computer and figured out alot and just dropped hints about what i had figured out and read, he has straightened up a bunch, take what they like away and stick to it, you will see a change.. Be consistant. Good Luck.

Hello!! I’m sooo sorry to hear about your situation. I have a twelve year old daughter and although I haven’t been through that with my child, I was in your daughter shoes at about that age. It’s a real sensitive situation. The more you push the more she’ll pull. Of course when she’s older, she’ll understand the good that you are trying to do, but right now, in her mind, you have no idea what she’s feeling. Sometimes how we deliver our message as parents is just as important as the actual message that we want to get across. Get on her level by asking her questions from you heart to let her know that you and the world aren’t against her. She needs to know that you’re an actual person who doesn’t understand what’s going with her-let her do the talking so that you can figure out how to find a common ground. If the problems are deeper rooted than you realize or understand please, please, please, don’t hesitate to go to counseling because right now her mind is probably so manipulated that 2+2=1,214. Good luck, I’ll hope for the best.

I would definitely call the police and see what they tell you. You might also try calling Child Services and see if they have any advice as well. This guy really sounds like bad news for your daughter. God Bless.

I don't want to sound like I'm playing devil's advocate here, but I went through the same thing your daughter is when I was 14. The only difference is, my mom hated my boyfriend(who was 16) because he didn't have money and lived in the not so great part of the neighborhood. We had the whole Romeo and Juliet thing going on. We ran away a couple of times. We even made it to about 15 miles from the Florida border in Georgia (I'm from Nashville, TN). He came from an abusive home and my mother was no angel either so we thought that was our only escape. We never did drugs or drank, just smoked cigarettes. I'm not saying what we did was right in any sense, but it was what we felt we had to do. I'm sure you've told your daughter what my mother told me; that she's young, she probably doesn't know what love is, etc. Well, that old boyfriend of mine is now my husband and the father of my two boys. Point is, I think you should just expain to her that you accept (or understand) her feelings about this guy. Never use the phrase, "I know you THINK you feel this way..." That's the best way to build the wall higher because at this age, she doesn't think, she knows. My advice is to set boundaries, strict ones, and let the trust build. Tell her that as her mother it's your job to protect her as much as you can. Likely she'll come back with she's old enough take care of herself. That's when you reinforce the boundaries and challenge her to prove it. This way, the trust builds, she gets to see the guy on a very limited basis, and she'll still have you there for her. I know this won't be easy, and I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose to do.

My kids aren't at that age yet but I do have some nieces that are. I actually think you may want to approach this from a different angle. I understand you don't like the guy and he isn't the influence you would want on your daughter. I think the main thing is for your daughter to realize that she has broken your trust by lying about talking to him and seeing him. Explain what she must do to earn back your trust and that it isn't going to be easy but by her being honest with you from now on it can be rebuilt. Secondly, I would suggest that you compromise on the boyfriend.....By this I mean explain what you don't like about him and why these things worry you but that since he means so much to your daughter you agree that they can see each other with supervision. Let him come over so they can watch movies together (you can be in a seperate room but you will be in the house), or if they want to go out to eat--one or both parents must be present. Again you can be at a seperate table but you can be seen. But she must keep her grades up and do her chores and no more lying or the deal is off. Most likely a 19 year old won't like this arrangement and he may dissapear on his own. Explain that as she regains your trust you will let her have some of her "freedom" back. At 16 teens think they are worldly and mature enough to make the right decissions for themselves, while we know they aren't , I don't think we should make the decissions for them but rather give them the tools and guidance to figure out the road to take. If your daughter hasn't caused trouble in the past and her grades are good I think giving her a chance to work this out in a mature manner will help her realize what being an adult is about. You should also probably have another talk about the impact of having sex and doing drugs can have on a persons life (without being accusatory or using the boyfriend as an example). And really listen to your daughter--bite your tongue if you must to avoid preaching. At this age the important thing is to have an open dialouge going so she feels like she can come to you for advice and guidance.
Good luck----

RUN DO NOT WALK!!!!!!!!! to your local law enforcement albeit city, state, or county! Bring them the cell phone with all of the text messages and ANYTHING that you can get with his name or any information on him to them. This is an offense for which he can be arrested! Explain to them everything as you have in the letter and ask them what your resources are concerning his constant interference in her life,and even obtaining help with your daughter. They can turn you on to an unbelievable amount of community offered services that will help. My prayers are with you! Let me know how things turn out.- God Bless! C.

I would call the police. A 19 year old will call your bluff if you don't follow your instructions of calling the police. Call them now if you haven't already. If he's that bad of news, I would do whatever it takes to get him away from my daughter. When I was 16, I went through a rebellious stage and got grounded for THREE months (no car, no social time, NOTHING.. just school). I was taken to school and picked up by a family member. It did make me skip some classes to hang out with friends, however, it really got me away from the other kids during the after hours and was the best thing.

You have only one chance and that is to invite the boyfriend into the family. Have him over to the house every evening and all day on Saturday and Sunday. Don't give them any reason to go anywhere with out you and your husband. If they want to go to the movies, double date. If they want to go out to dinner go to Appleby's and split the bill. Welcome this with open arms. Of cource they have to respect what is appropriate behavior around the younger children. She will have to learn this lesson for herself, all you can do is be her safty net when the stuff hits the fan for real. Do you remember what it felt like to be 16?

H.,

I completely agree with Dione. I was in that situation at 16 and remember feeling like my parents didn't understand anything at all. Of course, they were completely right, but the more they talked bad about him and the more they told me I couldn't see him, the more determined I became. He is making your daughter feel "special" and loved in a way that you can't. She can't see past that and understand how unhealthy it is for her. The more you try to pull her away from him, the more she is going to resent you and go to him for comfort. You need to be VERY patient with her and try to get her to talk to you as much as possible. Tell her you don't understand, but that you really want to understand. Try not to impose too much of your perspective and just let her talk. She needs your love and gentle guidance as much as possible right now. Make sure to laugh with her and find good times. I'm not saying to be her best friend (she doesn't need that), but she won't hear a word you say if she doesn't respect you and feel like you love her. As Dione stated, the way you deliver your message is going to have a big impact on how the situation ends up.

Remember that this is difficult for your daughter too.

Bless your heart!
First of all, I had trouble with my middle son after I divorced his father. He is straightened out now, THANK GOD, but his advice to anyone like that is that counseling doesn work... it makes them more angry. Grounding doesn't work, it make them more rebellous. The only thing that he said that would work is to move or change schools and that you have to totally get new friends. Now how you can go about that, I have no idea. Just think what another kid said worked for him and think about what you can and can't do. We changed schools with him... not intentionally... he got himself kicked out, so he really didn't have a choice. He went to a Christian school, and began to see the light and then he started dating a really sweet and good church going girl who really saw to it that he stayed straight and out of trouble. Now, he is such a find young man, going in his first year in college and majoring in pharmacy and doing very well.
I also have a 16 yr old who knows more than anyone else. That is just the age. Thank goodness he isn't bad and with any help from God above he will stay a good kid....(it is not like I haven't already been through enough with his father).
If you can't control it, it may be a good idea for you to go see someone that specializes in this sort of behavior and see wha they recommend. I just wouldn't let it go on too long though. You really don't want her running off with a hoolem and getting pregnant or god forbid, coming home pregnant.
Good luck to you. Please let me know how it comes out.
Where are you located? Is it in Murfreesboro?