How to Tactfully Talk My Daughter Out of Her Mood?

She needs distractions. Take her out of the house so she cannot mull over this all day. As we all know, it is time and distractions that get us over 'lost love'. Be patient. She is not going to starve herself to death. That is the pain and drama talking. Be there and LISTEN, don't try to fix it for her. Acknowledge her feelings (they are real) and let her know you are there for ANYTHING she needs.

Id treat her as if this had been a real boy. To her it was. To her it was her fairy tale come true. She had plans, and they fell apart. her heart is broken. it doesnt matter how it happend, just that it DID. She will feel even worse when she looks back and realizes how foolish she was, but for now, you need to treat her as if she really had someone who loved her and said all the right things and treated her wonderfully, and has lost them. Tell her how sorry you are that she was hurt by him, and how unfair it was to be treated ths way. Make sure she knows what a wonderful person she is and someday she will have a terrific man in her life who will see her for the wonderful woman she is and treat her right. Deal with the foolish side later after she feels better about it. Be glad she didnt run off to find him or started sending him money. Thats another side of the cyber creeps. It will take time and lots of hugs and care to get her out of this mood. Maybe she needs a bit of real honest good quality family time away from home and computer. She is screaming out for some love and affection. Thats why she was so easily tricked by the jerk online.

Ok, I can totally relate to your daughter. I did the almost the exact same thing. I talked to a guy online who said he was 25, lived in New York, liked all of the same things I did, etc. Turns out he was 45, married with children, and I wasn't the first 15 year old he had done this too. He had a voicemail system you would call into and could leave messages and then he would call back. Yeah, I totally fell for it. My dad is the one who found out the truth about this guy and I was mortified when he did. I was hurt, I felt like I lost the person I "loved", and I felt like a fool. My dad found the guy's wife and boss and told them both the whole story. The wife told my dad I wasn't the first one. My dad also called the cops, but the guy didn't have a record and they couldn't do anything.

Based on how your daughter is acting, I bet she feels the same way. She's already said that she doesn't know why she agreed to go to China and she's trying to process that he is upset with her. I don't think she is suicidal based on saying she will starve herself to death. I think she's just being dramatic. She'll need time to get over it.

For you, I would get whatever computer she is using and find out who this guy is. Let him know that you are onto him and if you can alert the authorities, do it. They probably won't do anything if they haven't met or anything, but he may have some sort of record. I don't know if there are different guidelines by state. If he's married, let his wife know. Hopefully your daughter didn't give out a lot of personal information and he can't find her. I don't believe his story and I don't believe your daughter is the only one. If you are able to find out about this guy, I'd let your daughter know after she's had time to calm down. Keep trying to talk with her while she gets over the hurt. Good luck!

Amanda - if this is really what has happened, once your child 'calms down' in a few days you need to get her to a therapist.

She needs to learn about proper boundaries, self respect, etc. The situation you outlined is way out there. It's not like it was a kid in CA that she was 'involved' with and was going to meet to go surfing!! Some guy in Asia, trying to get her to go to china w/ her. Come on... it's not 'normal' that the situation you outlined would be attractive to a 16 YO girl.

You say that she learned about internet safety in elementary school.... that was 6-8 years ago .... has anyone given her a refresher course since then? I know that this sounds harsh.... but this just isn't adding up.

She got "addicted" talking to the guy, he misled her, she's wearing her heart on her sleeve and is now crushed.
Even tho she was doing a dangerously wrong thing by chatting with this person her emotional feelings about the break down of the relationship still need to be validated. She's experiencing a broken heart of sorts I suppose.
She needs to feel that you understand how she feels.
Treat her like you would if she had just gotten dumped by a boy that you BOTH liked. Time will heal this. She spent a lot of time talking to the guy, and it will take about half of that time to get over it once she lets the healing begin.

I have e-blaster by spector soft. It runs silently on the kids' computer and sends me an email every 90 min (you can make it 30 min. if you want) with every keystroke logged. I know exactly who they are chatting with, what papers they are writing, how long they were on facebook and with who...
I suggest you get it and install it. This will eliminate any issues from today on...
As for your daughter - leave her be for another day. She needs time to process -- she feels like an idiot who was duped by some schmuck on the internet.
Give her time. Be there. Don't talk about it unless she wants to.
Give her a day or so to sulk and then go in there and tell her it's time to suck it up. Be the drill sergeant if you have to. If she's anything like my daughter, she'll laugh...
LBC

Updated

I have e-blaster by spector soft. It runs silently on the kids' computer and sends me an email every 90 min (you can make it 30 min. if you want) with every keystroke logged. I know exactly who they are chatting with, what papers they are writing, how long they were on facebook and with who...
I suggest you get it and install it. This will eliminate any issues from today on...
As for your daughter - leave her be for another day. She needs time to process -- she feels like an idiot who was duped by some schmuck on the internet.
Give her time. Be there. Don't talk about it unless she wants to.
Give her a day or so to sulk and then go in there and tell her it's time to suck it up. Be the drill sergeant if you have to. If she's anything like my daughter, she'll laugh...
LBC

She doesn't want answers or scolding right now. She's in pain. She doesn't need to be told she is a "foolish young girl." She's sad, hurt, confused and well... can't we all identify with those emotions. Speak to her on emotional level, not logic... at this point.

Starving herself to death takes a long time. Good thing too. She just wants you to understand, that's all. I don't think hospitalization is necessary if she has no history of suicidal attempts.

Tell her you love her. Listen to her and let her know you'll be there.

Toni, gimmee a break with your "blessings" and it not being an honest post.

Tell her about the story exactly like this which ended when the "boyfriend" finally came to visit and murdered the teenage girl in a local hotel.

I would not under any circumstances cater to her sadness. I'm sorry but my daughter would be straight up in TROUBLE.

I would say, "I am so sorry I let you and myself down this way by allowing something like this to go on right under my nose, but this person is probably a criminal. You're lucky something terrible did not happen. He most likely moved on to a target with some money to send him."

Sorry, but bye bye computer (teens shouldn't have them in their rooms she needs to do her computer homework on a family computer in full view of everyone) and hello after school job because she HAS WAY TOO MUCH IDLE TIME ON HER HANDS!. She needs to be earning money and working on her future and the real world not chatting in chat rooms. If she already has a job, she needs a second one.

Being this distraught over ANY boy ignoring her -much less a senior citizen cyber one posing as a Malaysian Chinese person-and apologizing and wailing??! Moving to his Mother land? She has MAJOR issues and could probably use a youth group and some counseling to go along with that new job(s). She's 17. I moved away from home at 17. She's an adult in one year.

She did a very dangerous thing. It was largely your fault. She needs attention in a big way. Live and learn, don't put up with her tantrums. The computer GOES. Ripped from the wall. Make sure she's never bored until the day she moves out. Spend her last time at home teaching her how valuable she is. The best way for her to build self esteem is through accomplishments and friendships with real people. Job. job. job.

Tell her to be glad the guy is not real and she's not in China. She would have been MUCH sorrier (if it's even a word) if the whole thing were real. Get her involved in sports or constructive hobbies and get her out of the house..this whole chatting thing is "virtual living" and she definitely wants to live her life for real. So do you, right?Get her busy and out of the house, obviously she's spending wayy too long on the net.

Ok - I REALLY think she needs a computer break for a long while.

First, it kind of goes without saying that most of what you read on the internet should be considered out right lies.

Second, it disturbs me (and probably your daughter too) that she fell so hard for this cock and bull story.

Third, is she more upset he WAS going to try to meet up with her or that he's NOT going to meet up with her?

Fourth, starving yourself to death (or threatening to) over an imaginary person at best or a close shave with some possible online pervert is just excessive/depressive, and she REALLY could use some counseling over this.

What should you do? -
She needs to be off the computer except for school work - block social networking sites.
She needs some counseling to deal with her depression (and why she got so emotionally involved over this).
She needs to become involved in some activities where she meets real people to become involved with - sports, crafts, volunteer work, get a job, baby sit, walk dogs, etc.
Don't call her foolish, just tell her you love her and are alarmed at how this whole thing is playing out and you want to make sure she gets some help in how to deal with it.

I agree w/SN. There is a lot that has gone on w/the internet from even just last year til now. My husband is a dispatcher in our town as well w/our Sheriff's dept so I hear all of the horror stories of the teen internet/sexting, you name it, I've heard it. As a result of this, our 13 yr old has limited access to the life she would like to live but you know what we call it........tough! Right now your daughter needs your compassion, but she also needs to realize the reality of things as well. Lastweek my daughter watched a movie called Megan is Missing which is about a 14 year old girl who goes online & meets someone and never comes home. A pretty rough reality check, but I believe in exposing her to the real world - she has seen a documentary on Columbine as well as another movie on teen suicide. It's sad that our children are growing up exposed to so much more then we were but my parents weren't handing me the tools to cause self-destruction. It's great that I can call my daughter anytime I like on her cell phone, but she can also access the net from it to, meet up w/a child molester who poses as a teenage boy & be gone in no time at all. I think that although many people say we have to be a parent and not a friend, there are times that they need a friend and yes I have chosen to be my daughers friend so to speak when a boy has hurt her by saying something mean or whatever the case may be but I am her mom first and my first job is to protect her. It's ashame that things are the way they are, but with times the way they are i think we have no choice but to keep on them in such a way. Best of luck to you.

The last internet safety class she took was is elementary school, and she's 16? She has spent hours a day on the computer? Can I ask, how does a 16 year spend hours on a computer unnoticed? This can't happen again. The computer MUST be in a community area. She must be monitored on it. You need to know how much time she spends on there and what she is doing. You didn't notice your daughter was in front of the computer for hours? How is that possible? Where is her father? She has been weird for days and you didn't ask her what was going on? You just let it go? I think that could be part of your daughters problem. She isn't foolish! She is sad, desperate for love and attention. It's not often that a 16 year old who is lacking no emotional fulfillment spends hours talking to someone online (unnoticed, especially) and then threatens to starve herself to death. Let her cool down for a few days, and get your child into counseling. (Go with her) She is probably depressed. Her actions SCREAM out for attention. YOU need to spend quality time with her, and apologize for not helping her sooner. YOU need to start investing time with your daughter. No 16 year olds actions should go unnoticed for hours.

This is just as much about you as your daughter. She needs attention, affirmation, encouragement, love, and affection. She needs to be noticed. You didn't really notice her and you let her be sad for days, before this blew up. She needs to hear all the things teenage daughters need to hear. That she is beautiful, irreplaceable, doesn't need a man to make her loved, she is worthy of quality time and affection, she is smart and valued. When is the last time she heard these things from you? This is not foolishness. This is something that shouldn't have happened. This is warning signs going unnoticed. This is a parenting lapse. You both need to get into counseling ASAP.

Call the police and they will take her to the hospital for a evaluation....IF THIS IS AN HONEST POST....SORT OF SEEMs LIKE IT ISN'T, but I never take someone who sounds suicidal for granted.

Blessings....

I have a pre-teen and college child so I understand how kids can seem like they are on the computer for long stretches. My concern is her behavior. Follow your gut instinct... if it's really uncommon for her to act in ANY way out of the norm and she resists coming out of her room, I am a very calm person but I wouldn't hesitate to have the door removed in any way possible. My husband would get the screw gun out and it would be down in about a minute! Don't hesitate to call her drs. office to see what they recommend. I had a friend growing up that had to be counseled for a while for depression and even went to the hospital for a few days for evaluation. At the time, we (the friends) thought her parents were sooo mean! Little did we know that it may have saved our sweet friend's life. You can always call 911 and have her taken to the hospital with or without her consent if the behavior goes to far. Sorry if this sounds extreme, but there are too many teens that get caught up in a mess and they are embarrassed, depressed and don't see an end to it. Watch her closely and don't dismiss it as just a mood if it lasts for more than a couple of days.