Help in Understanding

I'd file the papers to change custody. You can prove that he's lived with you and you can support him. Since he's in braces he can tell the judge who he wants to live with. It's not that expensive and you really won't need a lawyer to do it. Just pay the filing fee and server fees. That should be less than $200. Think of it as an investment in the boy's well being.

If you need help with the paperwork find a clinic or low fee lawyer to fill it out for you.

I did this a few years ago for a niece. She was such a joy to have with us until her mom got back on her feet.

Jeanna,

First off, I'm on your side in this and hate the way some parents refuse to follow through with their emotional and financial obligations to their children. It hurts the kids more than anyone else. However, I am going to say some stuff you may not wanna hear and some practical stuff - in the following catagories: legal, psychological, and from the heart.

Legal: You can consult with a domestic relations lawyer to find out what your rights are, and the court might help you, because the "rights" generally go with what is in the best interest of the child. However, as a divorced woman whose lawyer ex-husband delighted in dragging me through court, I can tell you that escalating a conflict into the courts could tear you and your husband apart. Unless the threat of court scares her into submission, this route could be expensive, time-consuming, extremely emotional and divisive, and it will impact your entire life. You should consider this route fully and carefully before going down it. The expense of an entire wardrobe of clothes won't begin to compare to the time and financial and emotional costs of hiring a lawyer and starting proceedings.

On the other hand, you may want to check out mediation. I did this professionally for a long time (I am also a lawyer), and a good mediator can take very argumentative people from a bad place to a workable solution. They are trained to help everyone get past the angry stuff and get down to the business of problem-solving and child-rearing. It's also much cheaper and faster than court, and it's voluntary, so you don't have to agree to anything that doesn't work for you. In court, on the other hand, you are hoping the judge does what you want him/her to, but you have to live with whatever they say, even if they come up with something else entirely.

Psychological: In my mind you are completely RIGHT about what you are saying, but even so, this situation has a big potential to negatively impact your husband's son or even your marriage. Unfortunately, children take it very personally when parents fight over them. This son might not fully understand it as forcing his mother to do the right thing. He might think you see him as a burden to you and his dad. This is a very bad outcome, and will ultimately undermine everyone's relationship. Think of this situation another way. What if his mother had died? You would gladly take him in, tighten your belt and provide him with whatever he needed. While your actual circumstance may not be FAIR because she didn't die, the message you want to give your husband's son is the same - that you gladly accept him and all that comes with him. I know you DO - but the money fight may cloud his perception. When you marry someone with kids from a prior marriage, it's a package deal. Right now, his son needs your protection and love just as though he really was your son. Where else do you want to spend your money than on your kids?

Personal: From the heart, I'm with you. I can't understand any parent who abandons her children, whether it's emotionally or financially. It's not right, it creates burdens in other households, and the biggest victim is the child, because they DO know when an adult is there for them and when they've been abandoned. Still, I urge you to think hard before escalating this controversy... The costs you're bearing now might be low compared to what can happen if you escalate.

WOW...First off let me give you much credit for taking on more children...that says alot about your character. But I think you should really sit down and talk to your husband about what you are feeling..because this is a stressful situation that you are going through....I know that if the shoe was on the other foot, she would probably go for child support with the quickness. Financially, kids are extremely expensive and she does need to do her part. It's called child SUPPORT, not child COMPLETE!... She needs to help take care of her children as well... I say take her to court!...and if she is threatening to keep the kids, then let her! One question for you...How old are the kids,...if they are old enough can they speak for themselves in a court, before a judge?...that's something else you gotta think about.

I would say tell her to take him back to court so that way u and him can let the judge know what's going on and see if maybe custody can be switched to him since the children decided to come live with u guys so that way she'll have to pay the support and not your husband.

I also have 2 "bonus" children and 3 bio. I would suggest taking the ex to court for custody. I would wait until the child have lived with ya'll for 6 months, because then its considered his home of residence. We have been through all of this and its hard, but hang in there.

J. ~ I total understand both you and your husband position on this. I would talk with your attorney just to see what could be done. I know the judge will listen to the kids once they reach around 13 you could also have the son talk to a child adovicate then they report to the judge what they think should happen. This can work towards your advantage if you get a good adoicate. JUst some food for thought.
S.

Of course she is going to threaten, and scream, and cry, and beg, and stall. She's going to miss that money coming in, and will even have to pay some money out. That's a big reversal of the budget. But you have a right to take her back to court and reverse the child support because CS is for the parent raising the child to help pay for all that fun kid stuff like clothes and braces.

I don't think she can actually take the child back because 1) they want to stay with you (and as they are older that means something to a judge) and 2) they are with you now so it would disrupt their life to go back, and 3) you have proof that you're caring for them well and care for their well-being because you're doing things that they need, like redoing the braces and stuff like that.

I would contact a lawyer immediately to reconfigure the CS and submit it to the court. You could do this by yourself but it sounds complicated enough that you might need at least 1 meeting with a lawyer to figure out what you need to do and how to do it on your own.

The amount of child support to be paid is all based on his and her combined income, so if she's not making that much, you might not get much CS from her, but at least the $$ will stop going out your door.

Good luck!

The only thing i can suggest is that depending on the age of the one that doesnt want to live with their mom, i would go to court and have the child talk to the judge and tell the judge where he wants to live and if the judge agrees to change the custody arrangement on paper and then she will have to pay child support and she will have no choice but to sign papers changeing the residental placement of the child.

Hello my name is C. i also have two children and two step children which one lives with us. She has lived with us for about 2 yrs. now. My step son has had to come live with us off and for the past 6 yrs. Because their mother get into the drugs or a bad boyfriend. The bio mother has never given us any money to help with her children. We pay child support for the one that lives with her but we get nothing for my step daughter. Have u tried to talk to a lawyer? If the children are old enough they can say where they want to live and you and your husband can get custody of them and get court ordered child support.

I am a mother of 4 children. I dont receive any support from the father of my youngest children. (two are from a marriage of thirteen years and two are from a lengthy engagement and then a break up.) I could fight for it but decided the happiness of the kids are truly what matters. Yes we are broke but it is better then the stress of a long fight at least for me and my children. Is there a way that you can discuss what he needs with her instead of getting money? say "John really needs some new shoes and jeans is it possible for you to get that?" If not shrug it off. Change what you can and if you cant change things change your attitude regarding the situation you will be surprised how much better you will feel.

hi J.. Bless your heart for raising yor bonus children. Good stepparents are sooo hard to find. I'm just curious if they had to switch schools or had the home address changed thru the school they attend. You can get an afadavit from the school stating the date of the change. Get affadavits signed by friends and family members, neighbors stating when he caam to reside permanently with you.

Present this to your lawyer and file for custody. Make sure that you have your child present as well, even if in the waiting room. A lot of states, if said child is present with you at the time a notion is filed, you can get an immediate stay for the child to remain in your custody til the hearing.

I know this is what helped my brother, when he filed for my niece. And the nice part...the mother had to pay c/s, plus back to the date my niece came to live with her.

I would confirm all this with your lawyer of course.

Good luck.

currentally I am in a similar situation as you. What I have done for the past 4 months is document everything right down to clothes that are dirty or have holes in them. My point here is that we are trying to prove that the bio mom doesnt have any concern for her child, and doesnt take the time to take care of her child, let alone provide anything for her. We recentally went to court and hired an attorney-the best thing we could have done, and now have shared legal custody. The court told us that if the mother does not meet us 50/50 on EVERYTHING then we may take her back to court and file for full custody. We document when she stays the night with when she is supposed to be with her mom. We document medical appointments, financial stuff that needs to be taken care of, practically everything that interferes with the child's wellbeing, is documented if she is not holding up her part. There is much more to the story, but the basic is she is not capable of taking care of her daughter, and we are trying our hardes to get her in our custody. She also feels we shouldn't be able to claim her everyother year on taxes, or that she should have to pay us child support. And she still thinks we should have to pay her cs. But we are going back to court on this today, so I guess we will see how it goes.
My best advice to you, document everything, talk to an attorney, and get the process rolling as soon as you can. Do nt drag it out any longer, the less you let her walk all over you, the less she will think that she can!

Sorry to hear of your frustrations. I was actually the child involved in a similar situation years ago. Of course you will want to get the advise of a lawyer. My understanding from the situation I was involved with is that if you can prove the child's residency with you for a certain length of time, you can take the mom to court and have custody changed and set child support. Good Luck honey!

I read on a web site a MO state law that might help. It said something to the effect of if the "bonus" child has lived with you for more than 30 days and the custodial parent allows this and it is not temporary you can get child support. How old is the child? You and your husband may consider taking the bio mother to court to get cusody and a child support order. If the child is old enough the judge may also take in to account his wishes. I just finish with court and won full custody of my wonder little boys so the process is still fresh in my mind. You situation is different from mine, but the court process is basically the same. You should really consult a lawyer and consider fighting for custody. It sounds like it may also be in the best intrest of the child. You also may be able to get a temporary custody order if your husband is afraid the bio mother will take him back. If you do decide to get a lawyer interview a few and find one who tells you what your odds really are and someone you like. After all, you are putting this childs future in the lawyers hands. And a lesson I learned the hard way myself, always have any aggreement in writing and on the recoreds and have any child support paymetns go through either the court or Child Supprot Enforcemnt. If it is not on the recored then as far as the legal system is concerned it never happened. I wish you and your family the best. Blessed Be.

Hello there J.,

I also have one bio child and one bonus! I have had my older one (bonus child) since he was 14 months. He is now 6 and in Kindergarten. My husband has been owed child support by court order since he was 8 months old and have yet to recieve anything! I know it can be very stressful. The extra money would definetly help! We are actually taking bio mom back to court in Feb. And the only reason we are doing that is because she hasn't seen him since he was two and all of the sudden thinks he needs to come visit her in Michigan! I can't really tell you what to do to solve your problem but I can sympathize. How old is your child with the braces? If he is getting close to teen years I would think it would be his choice who he lives with! She can't take him against his will. My only advice is to try and reason with her as rationally as possible. Tell her if he is going to choose to live with you she either needs to help finacially or you will be seeking custody. Sorry I don't have more adivice but I definetly feel your pain. I'll say a prayer for you and hope everything starts working itself out!

I have never been in this particular situation but have had family members there. Also, I don't know what state you are in so it could be different where you are. There are a number of issues involved here. 1) Number one problem is your husband not wanting to do anything. You'll get no where if he's not willing to investigate his options. 2) How old is the child? If he is old enough to decide with whom they want to live, then I would definitely go back to court to at least get the child support to the bio-mom stopped. Let the court know that the child no longer wants to live with his mother. If she was awarded custody and receives child support, by law you have to pay that. But if the child now wants to live with his dad, she still gets that support unless you go back to court to get the custody ruling changed in your favor. I don't know if they award you guys custody if they would make the bio-mom pay child support to you or not, but you wouldn't be paying her for that child now living with you. Don't know if any of this will help you, but I can imagine the stress you must be feeling. It's very hard to be a "step-parent", when the bio-parent is in the picture (as they usually are), but it sounds to me like you're doing a heck of a job. Good Luck!

If I understand the legal system in Missouri, the bio son can decide where he would like to live if he is fourteen, but your husband and bio-son must be the ones to take the mom back to court. Also you(as a family) can back up this litigation with any documented facts towards neglect, you did mention that the bio mom dropped off the son, right? Since she has residential custody she would have to document with the courts as of change in child custody/residence. Sounds to me the only resolve to this dilema is to confront it in court. I know it is a long and tough battle, but it can be won! I am a step-mom of a daughter to my fiacee of a previous marraige. I supported his actions when he decided to take the bio-mom back to court. After a year and a half in court proccedings, he recieves child support for the first time since his divorce about 10 years ago. Believe me even the littlest amount of money she can give will help. Also mention to the courts for 50/50 responsibility for any doctor bills that the children may develope. That's how we have it set up and so far so good, because you have paperwork to back any claims your family may have against the other mother, for small claims court later on if this problem continues. Get some consultations with family lawyers, they also might have some other resolutions for this problem. Last but not least, stop worrying, it only causes difficulties later. lol

I would only think, What is best for my kid? Is it to fight with his mother or to be his mother and not worry about her? What if she plays the tug of war game with him, that will not be good for him. God only gives you, what you can handle. Obviously he thought you were up for it! Good Luck!

Hi. I have 4 kids and 2 of my boys were born in Aug. We held my oldest , who is now 9, back. He is doing great and I am glad we did it. He is very little for his age so he fits in better. He loves being the oldest in his class. My 3rd child was also born in Aug and we held him back also. He is in preschool now. I am glad we did it with both of them. I think they both would of been fine if we did not do it but that extra yr gives them a little bit extra help. It was a very hard thing to figure out what to do. I used what happened in my family as kids to decide. They held me back and I did great. But my brother they did not and he had a hard time. He had summer school, tutors and also had a hard time making friends. Well good luck with your choice.

Your husband needs to talk to an attorney. Document everything, from what days the kids are with you to what you've had to buy for their day-to-day care, and try to get joint or full custody.