Help! - Aldie,VA

I hope this isn't a repeat but this worked with my son. I had his dad take him places or do things with him that were special father-son time so that he could start to establish a stronger bond with daddy and now he prefers daddy to put him to bed or other little things about as often as he prefers me. Some things that they have done are: going to the movies or out for ice cream or to the park, playing trains, army, sword fighting (with the foam swords or swimming noodles cut in half), going to a tumble class together, and playing with playdough. I hope this helps, every child can greatly benefit from one-on-one time with each parent.

A.,
I just finished going through the same thing with my 2.5 yr old son. I really just ignored it. He was just testing the waters and now hes on to his newest thing which is 'why?'

M.

www.foreverthirtyone.com

My daughter is a little over 2.5 and she wants me to do everything for her if I'm around. If I'm not around, she's perfectly fine with letting her Dad do things for her. I think it is a normal phase. My hunch is that your son doesn't really mean that he doesn't like his Dad, I think he probably means he doesn't want his Dad to help him. I wouldn't use time out for this. I would just go with the flow, it's a phase that will end. If I'm busy, we do explain to our daughter that Mommy can't help you right now, so you can either wait or Daddy will do it. Most times she waits.

My son was very attached to me as a baby. But once he was about three, he became Daddy's little helper. Holding tools (we got him his own tool belt) and helping Dad put his trike or wagon together made him feel like he and Dad were a good team. They also both loved looking over the firetrucks together whenever the firehouse had an open house day. Lots of kids go back and forth preferring one parent over the other as they grow. My son found out I'm better for some activities while Dad is better for others. Once he's into his teenage years I think he'll be closer to Dad and I'll miss my little boy, but every baby has to grow and they don't hang on to Mommy forever.

This is normal behavior for a 2.5 year old. My son does that too (though he alternates who he wants to do stuff for and with him). Definitely not fair to put a child in time-out for behaving in an age appropriate way. That said, he is 2.5 and it's time to start discussing feelings and how to experess them. You can tell him when he says stuff like that that it hurts daddy's feelings and ask why he doesn't want daddy to do whatever it is. You can start using pictures so he can describe what he's feeling. Happy/sad/angry etc.
But punishing him for something that is age appropriate doesn't really make much sense and isn't productive

this is more from observing other folks, I'm a single Mom so if my son doesn't want me he is in trouble:). Probably it is just a phase and it will pass, he may switch to saying those things about you. Kust hang in for a bit and see how it progresses.

Let your son know that it hurts both Daddy's feelings and you to hear him say such things. You could say, "We don't talk like that. It's not nice." Maybe also ask him why he said it, after his time out.

A.,
This is a normal phase for your little boy to go through. You have to keep in mind that a little boy's first love is going to be his mommy, and a little girl's will be her daddy. My youngest started going through this same thing at about the same age as your little man. It is hard to hear that your baby doesn't want you or that they don't like you, I still hear it sometimes. Maybe one thing that you could do is to leave your son with dad for a little while during the evenings. Even if it is just to go for a short walk. This way, your son has to learn that daddy is there to help him too. Disciplining your son for telling you how he feels is probably not the right way to handle it, since you want him to feel comfortable telling you how he feels as he gets older. What I would do is sit down and explain to your son that sometimes he will have to let daddy help him. It will take him some time for him to figure it out, but they do understand much more than we give them credit for.

I hope this helps a little.

My oldest (who is now 5 1/2) went through this and my 3 year old has been going through it for 6 months. We have either ignored it or played the "that's not a very nice thing to say. You are going to hurt Daddy's feelings and make him cry." thing. My children didn't always respond to the sympathy thing, but we followed it up with saying, "What if daddy said he didn't like you or didn't want you? Would you like that?" They are big enough to understand that they wouldn't like that but they also don't remember it from hour to hour. We are constantly reminding him that Daddy loves him very much and wants to have time with him when he gets home. It hurts Daddy's feelings when we say mean things like that. I occasionally get the "I don't like you Mommy" too and I always respond by saying, "But I love you." I don't say anything else and he usually stops pretty quickly. It will take time but he will come out of it. Keep reinforcing to your husband that he is a great father and your son loves him and it is just a phase. If it makes you feel any better, my son used to get very excited when Daddy pulled up and would wait by the door. Then as soon as he walked in, he would run away screaming and crying that he didn't want Daddy. He got over that too. It will pass. :)

I have a 2 1/2 year old son (3 in December) as well. He occasionally says things like this as well. I don't punish him for saying them. I often "hype" up his time with his dad. Before his dad gets home I tell him he is coming home. I tell him how fun it will be when daddy comes home and what they will do together. I model for him when his dad comes home (as far as kisses, hugs, interest, etc). Also, when he "doesn't want to go with daddy", he does not really have a choice. So if his dad is going to give him a bath, I tell him before hand, talk about how fun it will be and that is what happens. Also, he and his dad spend alone time together every week. The ironic thing about it all is he is usually attached to me but on the two occasions when I went out of town for the weekend and he spent time with is dad, he didn't want to come with me when I came back...heart-breaking! But I think it will all work out in the end. Good luck!

This is pretty typical, especially if mom has done the lions share of the child duties. My suggestion is to get and hold your son's attention and explain to him that mommy and daddy are a team and work together to take care of him. Tell him that daddy loves him just as much as mommy and that sometimes he hurts daddy's feelings when he says he doesn't like daddy. Be calm and instructive and do this at a time when he isn't in trouble. Just take him aside sometime when he's in a good mood and have a little talk with him.

As for your husband, I sympathize with him. It's not easy to hear that from the little person you love most, but try to help him understand that this too shall pass. All kids do this at one point or another and the strange thing seems to be that boys usually fixate on mom and girls on dad. It's just the nature of the beast. Especially if they're the first child. If you ever have a girl you'll probably be facing the same thing he's facing now. Try pointing this out to him. For the immediate term, try to suggest that he completely take over child duties for a week or so. I think that will help your son to bond a little more evenly with him and maybe make a positive difference with this problem.

You didn't say if your husband worked full-time outside of the home too? If he stays home w/your son, then the answer is simple-your son misses YOU & doesn't know how to express that in grown-up words. Don't worry though-he's just acting like a 2 yr old-get ready, because one day you may wake up & he's preferring daddy over mommy;)
Good luck!

Have you tried telling him that it's not nice and it hurts daddy's feelings? Sometimes kids are just selfish and aren't mature enough to be empathetic, but that is our jobs as parents, no matter how long it takes to catch on, to teach empathy and kindness. When he says it next time, tell him it hurts daddy's feelings and it's not nice, so we should say 'fill in the blank' instead. See if he will catch on to another nicer saying that fits the situation. Kids often don't know or forget that parents have feelings...if he doesn't take your suggestions, I would go back to the corner idea - you said you had success...and while you're right about not stifling feelings, these are not 'feelings per se, but more of a mean thing to say - it would be different if he said daddy hurt his feelings or something, but saying he doesn't like him is like "you're stupid" or "shut up" for a little kid - which they would be punished for....that is probably the only mean thing he knows how to say and he gets a reaction in some way every time he says it, so he keeps doing it, but it shouldn't be tolerated...explain he needs to say nice things and if he can't do that then he will go to the corner - it's not cruel and unusual punishment, he will get the picture and change his behavior. Good luck!!

This is totally normal and nothing to be concerned about. Little ones are creatures of habit and routine and if you are the one who normally does things with him, then he is going to want you and push daddy away. He will grow out of it, but I think the only way to accelerate that is for you to take some time away from the home and leave daddy alone with him. Then he will have no choice but to let daddy help him and the two of them will figure it out. He may still prefer you, but it should help.

I don't think it is time-out worthy. You've got to pick your battles. I would just explain to him that it isn't a nice thing to say and then move on. He'll learn eventually. Manners take a long time to learn and that is a lot to expect from a 2-year-old.

I have not read the other responses, so I am sorry if I reapeat. I would not put him time out, rather explain that it makes Daddy feel bad. It is a phase, he is testing his new ability, words, he is trying to learn what is right an wrong. This phase will pass, I know that your husband is frustrated and sad, but soon it may be reversed and you will be the target of the "I hate's". It may take more time, but he also needs to learn that words can hurt.

He might not really understand what he is saying. If he does, then even though he might mean it, it's okay to teach that you have to be nice. I'm not saying punish him, but correct. So instead of "you're in time-out," it becomes, "Well, Daddy likes you and wants to spend time with you," and "Well, that's not very nice to say. Can you think of three things about Daddy that would be nice to say?" and get him in the practice of saying nice things. The old "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" isn't really a bad motto either, but again, I wouldn't really punish, just correct. I see punishment as "that was bad" and that's it. Correction always gives the right answer. Good luck!

i guess i'm a little different from most moms. i would not put him in time out, he shouldn't be punished for expressing himself, and at 2 he's too young for much in the way of empathy. hard as it is, i would not react to this at all. even 'that hurts daddy's feelings' is reinforcing the notion that this has an impact and you want this type of talk to give him zero feedback so he gradually and under his own volition quits using it. i'm sorry your husband's feelings are hurt and this is perfectly normal. but you both have to remember that your son is only two. i like the advice to say simply 'mommy's busy, either daddy will help you or you'll have to wait' and that's it. if he wants to wait for mommy, that's fine. i would definitely leave them alone whenever possible to give him and his dad more time to figure out their unique relationship. and i'll add one final suggestion i read in a similar post the other day, that your husband simply respond cheerfully with 'well i love YOU' and not get ruffled by it.
khairete
S.

At that age kids have a limited vocabulary and cannot express what they actually try to say. I suspect he loves his daddy just fine but he wants you to help him with his dinner, he likes it when you cut up his chicken. How about splitting jobs, like dad cuts the veggies and mom cuts the chicken, dad reads one page of the book and then mom. That way you both get some time with the little man and dad is not excluded. And please tell your husband not to take it to heard.

Honestly, it is normal for your 2 1/2 year old to go through this. He is testing both of you and it is probably a control issue. He doesn't know really how to express himself, so saying that he doesn't like daddy, is probably his way of saying that he likes how mommy does things better. It might be better if you are not at home when daddy tries to help, maybe take a walk or go out somewhere for some "you" time. With you gone he can focus on enjoying his time with daddy rather than wanting you because he knows that you are near. Good luck!

Hi A.,
My son is 4 1/2 and we still have this problem. It's the Oedipus Complex in it's simplist form. Alot of it has to do with control and some of it has to do with that he is "in love with you." It's very normal and experts say it will probably end by the time they enter school. I know that seems like a long way away. I think you are on the right track. I don't punish my son but I reinforce that it's not nice to say those things and that his Daddy loves him. The other thing that seems to help is to have them spend alone time together. Once a week you can go out and leave them alone together or they can go do something. Every once in awhile I'll go away for the weekend. This allows them to really bond. I know some women find it hard to leave their small children for a long period but it's beneficial for everyone. I think it's important for the child to learn that he is not going to win in this struggle and there are other people he can trust to take care of him. I hope this helps.