My 3-Year-old Hates Me! (Help!)

Hello D.,

I've gone through the same situation with my daughter. I decided to ignore her when she gave my husband more attention. I definitely would not let her know that it bothered me. I gave them their time together by going to another room, or making myself busy. She is with me most of the time anyway. I also continued showing her affection and telling her how much I love her. After a while, she stopped making a difference and in fact, she clings more to mommy now. I realized that she really longed for his time and attention because she spends more time with me.

My daughter did that around the same age. It was so hard! She still is definitley a daddy's girl, but now she atleast can show that she loves me too. It took a bit, and some help from her dad. I think that's where you need to pull in your husband on this one. He needs to correct your daughter when she is disrespectful or hurtful, just like you guys would if it was the grandparents who were visiting that she was being rude too (or even a friend of hers). And as I saw in a previous post, make sure your husband is very obvious that you come first, and that he loves you more than anything. And my husband also had to quit spoiling her quite so much. I had to be the one who always punished and he was the fun who did anything she wanted. Once he stopped with that, and I tried to loosen up that helped a little. Just don't let her see you take it personal, which you shouldn't. She really does love you, but is struggling to find her place. After 6 months to a year my daughter finally acts likes she loves both of us, but prefers her dad... which I think is sweet.

She doesn't hate you. I have a girl and a boy and they have gone through phases when they have favored one parent over the other... mainly my daughter favoring Daddy and my son favoring me, which I think is pretty common developmentally. Sometimes it seems to swing the other way. You've gotten some great responses, so I'm not sure what to add, other than that it will change. Try not to act bitter about her behavior but do let her know she is hurting your feelings and that she cannot disrespect you. It is important for your husband to not allow her to be disrespectful to you. Have him talk to her when she does this and tell her it is not acceptable. As someone else said, it also helps to have Daddy show affection and repect to you, in front of her, so that she knows how important you are to him. And then include your daughter in these moments. That happens in my house all the time... Daddy hugs me and then the kids come over to join in the group hug. One on one time with both of you and whole family time... it's all important. Hang in there. I know it hurts!

Sounds to me like she's playing a game with you. She is only 3. You need your husband to back you up on this one, but she needs to learn to love mommy and daddy the same. Maybe he should have a talk to her about how she should treat you. When she doesn't want kisses. Smother her with kisses and tickle her... until she laughs. I'm sure this is just a passing stage, hang in there!

I think you've gotten some GREAT advice so far. I plan to use a lot of it myself! I would ask hubby to make it a game about who loves Mommy more and let him show her how to be loving and respectful to you. That will show her more than anything how she should behave towards you. It is just a phase, and whenever she says she doesn't want your hugs and kisses, I would just grab her up and smother her with them. Only you can take back your power. It is definitely just a phase, but it's important to show her that she should at a minimum respect you. She loves you deeply and trusts you enough to not leave her, otherwise she wouldn't even say those things. It's kind of like when your kid reserves all of their crying for you. They do that because they trust us with their real feelings. If she thought for a second that saying or doing those things would really make you leave, she wouldn't dare do it. Hang in there. I know it's hard when you think your child doesn't love you or is mad at you. Remember that you are not your mother. You are the type of mommy you want to be. This does not mean that you will have a distant relationship with your child. (((HUGS)))

Hi D.. I am in the opposite situation as you and I strongly agree with everyone said that Daddy needs to help. My son as a very difficult time transitioning between me and daddy and he often tells daddy to go away or says that he doesn't like him.

I have been working pretty hard to help my son understand how much daddy loves him. I explain why he has to leave to go to work everyday and I assure him that he loves him. Daddy has also been telling him that he loves him more often and I think that has helped. I also try to include daddy in our activities and I often have to use humor to get it all started.

Some days, I have to be more harsh and say, "Daddy loves you. We are not going there today." and then I move on. It actually works most of the time.

You don't have to have the relationship you had with your mother and don't take any of it personally if at all possible (hard I know). Good Luck.

D., I tyoo have a 3 year old daddy's girl! Not quite to the degree of your situation but my daughter acts the same way. I am a SAHM and during the day she and I have a blast together. My husband leaves for work very early so getting her up in the mornings is not bad because its just us. As soon as her dad walks in the door, my daughter becomes this whinny, rude, and all about daddy girl. She will not even let me get her a drink or ANYTHING when daddys home. She will still hug and kiss me if I ask for it, but she refuses to let me tuck her in at night and I used to be the only one who could get her to sleep. I know it drives you crazy. My best advice and what I have done is be patient. I dont think they do it to hurt us. This to shall pass. Lets hope it's a "stage" and we'll soon move on.

Please ask your husband to pay attention to you first and then her so she learns the order of things. When your husband comes home, he should kiss you first before her, hug you first before her and then he should bend down and kiss her and hug her. Please tell your husband that when you both put her down to bed that she should kiss mommy first before him and hug mommy first before him. Then she will learn that mommy comes first and will respect that. He has to be the one that sets the example of how he wants his wife to be treated so she can follow his example. Children learn respect when they see respect. Good luck!

My daughter did the same thing to my husband for a really long time. It hurt his feelings too. I promised him it would not last forever and that the worst thing he could do would be to show her it bothered him (i.e. give attention to it.) You cannot let the little monsters see that they have power -- WE, the adults, have the power. Our children are trying to wrestle it from us from Day One, man! (It's all subconscious -- but it's a power struggle -- and we really do get to have it.)

Kids change from favorite parent to favorite parent... One day you WILL be the favorite. I promise. (Right now, my husband is the favorite in the house.)

Except when the behavior crosses the line and becomes disrespect -- disrespect is NOT tolerated! -- ignore it. Disrespect demands apology. Both parents need to be clear about that.

I know the wait seems interminable but it will come to an end!

Hi D.,

Wow! That would be so tough. I have a five year old daughter and I can imagine how it would feel if she were playing favorites. I want to reassure you that this is just a phase. Three year olds are powerful little people. Your daughter is learning a lot about emotions and what they're all about. She sees how powerful she can pushing these buttons. Children are so smart. They really don't have malicious intentions - but they are so fascinated with how they can make things happen. It's much easier said than done, but I would encourage you to look at this as a passing phase. Usually little children play favorites with mommy and daddy is on the outside. From my own parenting experience, we went through that over here with my daughter. I guess the term "daddy's girl" didn't come about for no reason. I would handle it in this way: I would have you and your husband sit down with her (let her sit in daddy's lap) and both of you can express how much you love her and enjoy her. Have daddy tell her that when he comes home that he is happy to spend time with her and help her with things, but that it is okay for mommy to help her and be with her too. Have daddy let her know that when she needs something that sometimes daddy will come and sometimes mommy will come. You can ask her if she has any questions and just be firm and matter-of-fact about it. If she has a tantrum when you come to help her, do not have daddy come and save the day. You can let her have her feelings, but you can calmly let her know that when she's ready, you will be happy to help her. Do not tell her that she's hurting your feelings or making you sad - this increases the power of using emotions to manipulate and focus on the issue. Be unphased by her preference. If your husband and yourself can agree to deal with this without emotion and taking things personally, then she will soon discover that playing this favorites game isn't really worth all the trouble.

Hope this is helpful.
R.
http://www.noblemother.com

Dear D.,
I can imagine the heartache in this situation and how difficult it is for you. I can relate to having a difficult relationship with your own mother and being afraid the same thing will happen with your relationship with your daughter, almost to the point of allowing it to happen rather than making sure it does not. Trust your heart and don't be afraid. You are exactly the mother that your little girl needs, and she does not hate you. She loves you and needs you desperately. She is feeling all sorts of power in this situation that has been created, by rejecting you and only wanting Daddy. Power that she should not have and probably scares her. Do not "respect her wishes" in this. Her wishes in her little heart and mind are for a loving relationship with Mommy and Daddy. I would immediately stop allowing her to play favorites with her parents. Sometimes these situations can be fed into and given WAY more power than they deserve. I'm sure it is normal for her to want to spend time with Daddy when he is home from work. Tell her that you know she misses Daddy when he is not around and how you know how fun it is to be with him. Make sure she has special times with Daddy, but also special times with just you. Girl times, you can call them, and do special things together that build your relationship and create that bonding between you. And you need lots of time with all three of you as a family! And while you are enjoying family times together, I would make a point of talking about how you are a family, and how fun it is when you are all together, how families love each other... Creating that sense of family. Her walking between you and daddy holding BOTH your hands, swinging her up in the air together, playing games together, watching a movie curled up between you too, etc. I would continually reassure her of your love, even when she is pushing you away. "I am your mommy and I love you. Always." I would not ask her for a goodnight/good morning/goodbye hug or kiss. I would just scoop her up, hug her and kiss her all over, tickle her to make her giggle, etc. saying how much you love her and turning it into more playful times rather than the power struggle that it is. Take away the sense of power and control and lighten things up! Be the mommy that she needs and simply don't allow her to push you away. Don't force her to be nice, just change the climate. She loves you, she is testing your love for her. Let her see that there is NOTHING she can do to push your love away. I am praying for you!

Hey D.,
I know that must be very hard for you, especially since you had a distant relationship with your mother. It's hard for me to understand because my three year old daughter is exactly the opposite (not so extreme, but she says those things to her daddy sometimes). I know it hurts my husband's feelings when my daughter says "No, I was asking mommy" or "I just want mommy to put me to bed"...but there was a point a few months ago that she would say to me "don't talk to me" or "I'm not your friend anymore"...it broke my heart!! I have tried to figure it out myself--in our family, I think it is because my husband is more of a disciplinarian to her and I am more of a "playmate". Also, I am much more responsive to her a lot more quickly than he is--for instance, if she asks for juice, I am right there making it whereas my husband will finish what he is doing before he gets it. I am sure that I cater to her and spoil her a little more than she needs to be, which is why she leans more to me. If you are more of the "disciplinarian" in the family and daddy is more of a "playmate", your daughter may be viewing him as her friend and you as somewhat of an "enemy" right now. Also, I think at three (especially girlsl), kids are trying to "find their personality" and become a little more independent...she may she that what she is doing and saying actually affects you in that way, and she is noticing that she has that affect on you. Maybe, for a short period of time, you can try to ignore the things she says while still providing her love and support and the normal routine even though what she is saying and doing still hurts. Also, when we went through this, my husband and I both told my daughter that even if she only wanted mommy to put her to bed, that both of us were going to do it whether she "wanted" it or not. My husband would still kiss and hug her and tell her goodnight even though she would not respond. He began acting as if it did not bother him, and she started to change. I began not catering to her as quickly and telling her that if she wanted specific things done, that daddy would do them with her or for her. If she said no, than neither one of us did it. Eventually she started to realize that she needed us both. If it gets too extreme, I might discuss the behavior with your pediatrician or a specialist in child behavior to see if there is some underlying cause why she is viewing you this way. I hope some of that helps...I can't imagine the feelings you must have and wish you luck!

I have had the EXACT SAME THING, only mine is a boy.

The thing that has helped the most is for my husband to not allow the ugly behavior.

If he says "No, I want Daddy" my husband will respond with "That's not nice, WE love mommy and she deserves our love and respect, too." Then walks away so as not to reward his inappropriate actions.

It's worked like a charm.

Good luck.

D.,

I am so sorry this is happening. Tiffany wrote such an eloquent response and I wholeheartedly agree with her advice. I know you already know that it is not possible that she hates you and it is just a phase, although a painful one for you. The only thing I would like to add to Tiffany's response is that daddy needs to take a more active part in letting her know that she is being disrespectful to you. She has the right to have a favorite parent for this phase of her life but if she is telling you that you were not called for daddy should go up and explain that behavior is not acceptible. If she understands that her daddy disapproves of her words and actions she might try to act differently to win his approval.

To a lesser extent, my 7 year old son acted in a disrespectful way to my husband-- saying "I love you mommy... way more than daddy"--right in front of him. I quickly told him how much we both loved him and that his words were hurtful to daddy. I realize my son is older and maybe he can show more empathy when pointed out, but he doesn't say that anymore. He just tells me how much he loves me and doesn't add anything negative. It made a difference to him that I was the one who pulled him aside and told him it made me sad that he was saying hurtful comments/ being disrespectful to daddy.

I pray this phase speeds through for your family. R.

you didn't write about your husband's response to this whole thing, but it sounds like he may need to step it up. my daughter goes in waves, as do most children, as to who is her "favorite" parent of the moment (usually depends on who the last person was with whom she got in trouble). but if she is excessively ugly to one of us, me for example, my husband will say something like, "i don't know if i can play with you/hug you/tuck you in/etc. right now because you are hurting mommy's feelings and I love mommy a lot. so i need to be with mommy because she is sad and she misses you." basically we just show her that it hurts the "favored" one when she is ugly to the other one. my husband always supports my discipline of her and i always support his. if we do disagree with one another it is away from her so she won't know. we do not tolerate ugly behavior to one parent - the other one always steps in for correction.

so i would just say your husband needs to work on this one more than you do - it sounds like he may be allowing too much of this type of behavior. it will probably take a while to reverse since he has let it go on for this long.

I'm right there with you with my 2 1/2 year old girl, but it doesn't bother me as bad. I think the key is not taking it personally, AT ALL --and enjoying the times that are great when it's just the two of you, since this is where you build the fellowship that will last.

When I read your description, I can put a check mark next to just about everything you said. I think because Daddy is not around all day and I am, when he is around that's all she wants and most of the time I'm perfectly happy for her to have it. Dads help kids to establish an independent identity from mom and this is totally healthy. If she wants dad and I can accommodate her, I do. She's discovering who she is apart from me.

This is my 2 cents --get your husband on board to include you in some of their activities. For example at kissing time --Daddy can say that he sure wants mommy's kisses and they can kiss & hug you together. When they are in activity together he can invite you in. Maybe if he pumps it up extra that you are absolutely fun and lovable to him, she will begin to want some of those things too. I've noticed that happen with my daughter. When daddy wants a kiss from me, she suddenly wants one from me too even though a second before she was entirely uninterested.

Ultimately, I just give it time and love on her all I can in the moments when it's just the two of us. As she develops her personal identity more I bet things will begin to even out. If you are available and loving for your daughter, I doubt you'll have a lasting distance between you. I imagine this scenario was not the primary factor in the distant relationship you had with your mom. If you want to be close and you take the steps to nurture fellowship with her, you will change history and not repeat it. Blessings of creativity in being a parent!

Hi D.,

I have never had anything quite that severe happen with my girls however, I do know that when it comes close, the "favorite" parent has to do the correcting. Daddy needs to punish her for her disrespect (telling you all her kisses are for Daddy, etc.)and he needs to do some severe correction. Does he show you affection in front of her? He needs to show her how much he loves you and that she can be a part of that. If he does show you and she's jealous, then the jealousy also needs to be handled by him.

I know you don't want to force her to do anything but she needs to know it's not normal to be rude and hateful, and it is hateful, to her mom. This will just extend to others later and she will be miserable in her life if she doesn't know how to relate to all people, ESPECIALLY the ones who love her. Tough love is called tough love for a reason.

I'll be praying for you. I know your heart breaks and I have had my children hurt me before. It is common. They will NEVER understand how much we love them until they have their own little ones.

God bless!

M.

What does your husband say and do about all of this this? I feel it is time that he tries to help in this situation. He needs to talk to her about how she is treating you. It won't take long for her to learn if he takes part in this. It is ok to be a daddy's girl, but it is not ok for her to treat her like she does. Ask your husband to help you with this situation. She adores him and it will be easier to get results if he steps in.

I am so sorry to read this. What a tough place for you!
Have you talked about your feelings when she is disrespectful? And be honest saying "I am sad/hurt when you... I know they are just at that at age, my daughter included, when they do not quite get the full gist of feelings another person might have. Your husband can back you up and say something like "that is not very nice." "That is not OK to do." I know some children connect with one parent more than another. It is important to have his full support with this. I have seen the "favored" parent speak up about this sort of thing in the moment and then attention/affection equaled out later. It may take some time. I hope this helps!
By the way, it is wonderful they have a great connection. My daughter is the same way with her dad, but he chose to be out of the picture most of the time. He created this himself and I feel it is for them to work out now. Maybe all my daughter needs is a sincere apology from him. (Sorry I divert)

Hi D.,
You've gotten some really good advice. I really second Mimi's response. Dad really has to lay down the ground rules with her. Prefering one parent over the other is perfectly normal for a while but any disrespect should not be allowed. For example, with the good morning and I didnt call you situation... Too bad, Dad needs to tell her to respect her mother and that she has to at least tell you good morning without additude. Children at this age are testing each parent at any issue possible. She has figured out that she can get away with things more with Dad or get less punishment. He has to be on board this with you. Dont feel bad about trying to get her affection, she's just testing you and I'm sure you loves you very much! However, dont let the disrespect continue. Good luck:)

OK, i'm not a psychologist but I do know a good deal about kids. I just want to say I am taking an educated guess this is a control thing with your daughter. for some reason, some kids just have to feel like they are in control of something in thier lives, I don't know why, go figure. This is something that she can cause you to have a reaction to, even if it's a slight reaction, and get away with it. If I could give you any advice, I would say to give her the least amount of reaction possible. continue to do what you would normally do, reach for her, hug her, give her a kiss. if she yells, NO THAT'S FOR DADDY! or something like that just smile and say "Mommy loves you, too" don't let on that it hurts your feelings, that is part of the control! just play along like she is a silly little girl and you are the ever wise adult. thus taking her control away. does that make sense? i know there are sometimes when you can't do that, like when she hides under the covers, but keep pretending it doesn't happen. for instance, if she ducks under the covers, just laugh and say "mommy wants to say Good Morning to you, too!" and just smile and hum and go on your merry way. don't let her hear you tell ANYONE she is "daddy's girl" or that she acts this way. In fact, when she is around, tell your friends (you might want to give them a heads up) "She sure does love her mommy" and give her big hugs in front of them. This diminishes what she is doing and says to her that YOU are in contol and the parent. make sure you don't let her hear you acknowledge it to anyone, kids can pick up on little signals! when it's almost time for daddy to get home say "now, when dadddy gets home I want you to spend some special time with him so mommy can get this... done, then we can spend some more time together" lol this will blow her mind, i'm telling you. everything she is trying to do, control, that is, is taken away. she'll soon give up the whole scene. because I really believe that she is crazy about her mommy, and this is about control, not your parenting skills. just remember to play the role perfectly, you can't ever let on or she will be the winner. :) hope this helps!

D. I want to say - please stay encouraged. My daughter, Sydney, now 4 is completely a daddy's girl. I can remember when she was not quite 2 - her dad would leave for work and she would literally scream daddy don't leave me -- stay with me -- help me. It would break my heart. I would hold her while she screamed. After he was gone for a while she would calm down and we would have a wonderful day. Then when he returned at night it was as if I became invisible again.
Although she never said mean things her actions were bad enough.
I don't really know when the change came. But I never had a relationship with my mom, in fact I was raised by my brother and my grandparents. I decided one day that I was no longer going to take it personally. Sydney in fact is a daddy's girl and I wasn't going to compete with that. I was no longer going to feel slighted when she asked for him. I made the best of our time together and I stopped comparing it to their times together.
I shared how I felt with my husband and he included me in a lot of their times. She would ask him to read her a bedtime story and he would say I want to read to both of my girls tonight. And then Sydney started saying, daddy will you read both your girls a bedtime story.
Now our love is balanced. Sydney is still undeniably a daddy's girl but when she is sick or hurt -- she will go to her daddy and say daddy will you take me to momma because she makes me better.
And I've grown to appreciate that because their relationship assures me that Sydney will never have to seek love and acceptance in men(or unhealthy relationships) because she knows beyond a doubt who she is, who she is to her parents, what she means to us and who God says that she is.

Stay encouraged - just continue to be the wonderful mother that you are and for a little while that will have to be its own reward but eventually it will work itself out. And you will have the returned affection that you desire and deserve. I promise.

D.,

It's weird for me hearing your story. We have almost the same story, except it's with the reverse roles. It makes me feel bad for my husband. My kids (3 of them) prefer me to their daddy. My 2 year old is the worst(she's almost 3). She wants me to brush her teeth, me to tuck her in, me to help her get dressed. Daddy can't help! When he tries to help, she says, "No, I want my M.."

It must be heartbreaking, but she will grow out of it. Some kids just cling to one parent or the other when they are young. All you can do is keep trying. OVER praise her when she hugs you or gives you affection. "Thank you SO much for that hug. I really appreciate it. I love getting hugs from my favorite little girl."

Have you thought about creating a Sticker Board where she can earn stickers for helping out around the house and for being nice to her parents? That way, you could say, "If you want to earn a sticker on the board, you need to be sweet to M. and not hurt my feelings." If you catch her being nice to you, You could say, "That was SO nice of you, I think that deserves a sticker on the boar, what do you think?" Then, let her pick out which sticker to put on there.

For my kids, when the stickers go all the way across the board, they get to go to the store and pick out a toy. When they are not coorperating or not helping out, I threaten that they will lose a sticker on the board if they don't stop arguing or clean their rooms, or anything along those lines. They don't want to lose a sticker on the board! It works great for me. Just an idea.

Hang in there. Things will change eventually.

You have had some great responses. In my family we show affection in front our children. My hubby will hug and kiss me in front of my kids and then sometimes my son ( 3 years) will give me one too. My son favors me but there are times when I can't help and I send my hubby. He usually doesn't want his help but that's the only help he's getting so he had to tough it out. I also have a game with my kids when they are young. Out of the blue I will say, Hey, guess what! I love you. Then he will have his turn. Your hubby needs to explain to your daughter not to treat you that way. I don't have enough info about how your hubby handles things but it sounds like he likes things the way they are or he would have done something about it by now. I hope this helps a little. Good luck!

D.,

My son did the same thing to his dad. We are married and live in the same house, but he just prefers me (now even at 11 years old). I have never encouraged the behavior, and just like everyone said, I have discouraged it and punished him for really bad things. However, they often do it to get a rise out of the "neglected" parent. She probably senses that it bothers you, and you can offer her a taste of her medicine. You can give "daddy" all of your kisses and playfully tell her that all your kisses and hugs are for daddy. I bet she will then ask for some of your hugs and kisses too!

I know it must be painful. The few times my son has chosen his father over me have been devastating. I also know that even though he would never admit it, my husbands feelings have been hurt a million times.

My guess is that she is trying to get her father's attention and since she sees you more, she feels more desperate for his affections. Also, never forget that we hurt the ones that love us the most because we know that no matter how badly we treat them, they will always love us unconditionally. My guess is that she knows you will always be there for her, so she feels comfortable playing the "daddy's girl" game. She knows your love will always be there for her.

Keep up the good parenting, and hang in there!

Bless your heart. I promise, your daughter does NOT hate you! My daughter did the exact same thing to me at that age, except it was her step-father she clung to. It hurt me more than it should have because I also had a bad relationship with my mother, not to mention the huge custody battle I had just gone though with her bio-father. It broke my heart and I thoroughly believed that she didn't like me.

The best advice I can offer is not to take it to heart. Kids aren't usually dismissive with relationships they feel secure in. In other words: she is confident that you love her and that you're always going to be around. Bear in mind that she sees you all day. She only gets to see Daddy for a little while.

In our case, it was Dad that actually found the solution. When my daughter was being dismissive, he would sit her down and talk to her about how important I was to both of them, and how much they both needed me. He would say things like, "We sure are lucky to have a Mommy that makes such wonderful meals." (Even though some of them were awful...lol.) Or, "We sure are lucky to have a Mommy that loves us so much and takes good care of us." Every time she would blow me off, he would reiterate to her how much he loved and appreciated me and why. He was very gentle about it, never forceful or angry, and I didn't let myself get upset if she ignored what he was telling her. In fact, I started telling her, "No matter what you say or do, I am always going to love you."

And thanks to some good advice, I found tremendous help in doing bonding activities. Just simple girl oriented activities like playing with Barbies together, having a "girls only" movie night, or baking cookies turned out to be vital to our relationship.

It took a while, but she finally decided that she liked me. In fact, she started teasing Daddy that she was "a Mommy's girl."

She's eight now and she still thinks that Daddy hung the moon, but at least now she thinks he couldn't have done it without Mom. Just hang in there, she'll come around. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

Hi D..
I am probably not the best to give advice, but we were going through a similar (not so obvious) situation, where my kids would not respond when I told them directly to do something. What I found is that my husband would tell them that they should be responding; but when I asked him directly to do something, he would not respond as quickly as he should either. This was setting an example for the kids. When we started the new school year, my daughter was not showing the amount of respect that she should have to the teacher and the school was considering dismissing her from the class. My hubby and I put together a plan - and sat down with the kids and let them know that they were no longer allowed to linger or dismiss rules when mom, dad or thier teachers asked them to do something. They were to obey immediately and cheerfully. If they did not, on the first offense, we would take away a toy and hide it in our closet. If they did obey, we displayed overboard with praise, so that it was very obvious that they did it correctly.
She can't only obey your husband. After she realizes that her actions are not tolerated, she will let go of the bad feelings, especially when you are praising her always for doing the right thing (even if it is very simple - like putting her dirty clothes in the hamper). But, most importantly, don't react to her in a negative way, just a matter-of-fact way. If she breaks the rules, just tell her that she is being defiant and not obeying, and that means she will lose a privilege (or toy). She WILL add drama to it, but you cannot. You can't be vengeful either... so many rules!! ;) Make sure that hubby follows the same rules and doesn't hug her or even approach her if she is being defiant, only have enough contact to let her know that she has broken the rules. God put you in charge. He did it for a reason. She is commanded to Honor her Parents...

HTH & Good Luck!!
S.

Hello D.,
Congratulations on becoming the best mommy ever... children are so fickle that they will make you second guess everything. I am sorry that you are going through this trying time but it will pass... keep up the one on one interactions and remind her of her manners. She will turn around soon. I would also look into speaking to her pediatrician to make sure that nothing is off with her health, quirky behaviors sometimes have a medical reason that can be easily resolved with a doctor's review and diagnosis.

Good Luck and God Bless,
N.

Hi D.:
Just don't show a reaction. She is controlling the show because she has both you and your husband on a string. Try to ignore it or don't react to her behavior. If she wants Daddy say okay and get him with no reaction. Also the time you have with her alone, I would schedule fun things to do for just the two of you. Chuckee-Cheese, movies, shopping etc. This will solidify your relationship with her. In the long run she will know you actually enjoy spending time with her.
R.

She doesn't hate you. I love some of the suggestions you have gotten. I don't think you should let her get away with disrespecting you, but I don't think you need to make a big deal about it.

My DD was a daddy's girl for the first year -15 months. It got really bad where she would cry if my husband would hand her to me - I mean cry as if her world was ending. It broke my heart. I can't imagine how much worse it would feel if she could talk. Now she is more balanced and sometimes even seems to prefer me.

Just because your 3 yr old prefers dad doesn't mean that you will have the same relationship as with your mom. Good luck!

Time for you to take on your role as not just "mommy" but the only adult female in your home ! ! ! ! You need to ask your husband to step it up and back you regarding your daughter respecting you and your authority. She's a child. I'm a childcare provider and I've seen it all when it comes to parents relationships with children. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated by your 3 year old. What you have to remember is that she won't always be 3. What are you going to do when she starts growing up and wanting to have her way. If she does not respect you now, do you think she will then? As a mom having raised two girls (daddy's girls also...now ages 22 and 18), I saw my husband become not as involved when they hit the preteen years. It was hard for him to see his little girls growing up. I had to continue on. I'm telling you, the problem is not her...it is you being to soft. Step up your game mommy ! ! ! ! So what if you get her angry, etc., you are doing it for her own good ! ! ! You say you had a distant relationship with your mom and you swore you would be different with your child....Prove it...do something about it. Whatever made you feel that way with your mom, check yourself. Ask God to reveal to you what you are harboring that is affecting your relationship with your daughter. If you want the generational curse to end....it has to start with you.

Hi D.,

Your 3 year old doesn't hate you, believe it or not. She is playing games with you because she can get away with it. You need to treat her the same way she treats you when she is around your hubby. You are the mother and you need to teach her a lesson that it is not appropriate to treat anyone (ESPECIALLY HER MOM) rudely- this is UNACCEPTABLE! Just give her a taste of her own medicine and she will realize that it's not right. I know it's hard to do that because we are mothers and have but love for our kids- but this needs to stop.

I do not have any advice, but our family is going through the same thing. But, it is our 3 1/2 year old little boy and he is 100% a mama's boy. He is fine with my husband when I'm not around, but when I am, he wants me to do EVERYTHING for him. He wants me to read him books, me to give him a bath and he will throw a temper tantrum if my husband does these things instead of me. I know it hurts my husband's feeling sometimes and it is also wearing me out! We are trying to work through it and I explain to him often how much daddy loves him, all the special things that daddy does for him and that he is being disrespectful when he acts like that. It has gotten a little better, but we still have the occasional tantrum when daddy put him down at night instead of me. I am interested to hear in what comments / advice you receive.

Yep, definitely been there. My son, who is now 7, was a huge huge Daddys boy. He was also a preemie and had alot of problems the first 3 years of his life and I was the one that stayed with him in the hospital for days, weeks at a time with no sleep worried sick about him(hubby had to work to pay for all the hospital bills). He would come home and want only Daddy to hold him. I used to cry and cry about it.
It passes.
It is part of being 3, I have now learned. That is kindof a manipulative stage but it passes. He is still very close with my husband but he and I have a great bond now so I hope that is encouraging enough to get you through it. It is truly the worst feeling in the world and when I would express my feelings back then to any of my friends or family they would all act like I was oversensitive ect....
It is important for your husband to be a team member to help you with this.
I will say, I have an 18 mo. old daughter now who is definitely a 'Mommys Girl' and my husband and I both are so much more relaxed about it. I have found out what its like to be the only one she wants (can be exhausting at times) and he has found out how heart broken you feel after your child cries and cries when you hold them because they only want the other one. Good to have a different perspective this time around.
Good luck.

I think you HAVE to get Dad in on this one. He must demonstrate that you are a family unit, not daddy and daughter against the world. I thought that the advice about the "contest" to see who could love mom the most was GREAT!! It may stroke his ego right now to feel he is the favorite, but that is not a good paradigm for the family to operate under over time.

HE must SHOW her, because she is small and telling is not going to be a affective as doing, that Mom is a part of everything that we do. He might start coming to you and asking your advise in front of her. Mom is great at this--Dad does this the best. ALL of us make the family. We love everyone, and everyone is our favorite.

Part of it is her age. You are sensitive because of you and your mom. Make that your issue, and DO NOT pass it on. Examine and truly evaluate what is not functional about you and your mother and try to fix it. You cannot always. But you can be darn sure your daughter is not raised in the same spirit that you were. We are not doomed to repeat the past. We are thinking functioning people and we can change it!

You are going to have to have some help. You are probably going to have to have a heart to heart with him and get it fixed.

He could say, for example, in the morning, "I was busy and I sent Mom to help you, she is good at it too!" Two parents is a how families are SUPPOSED to be for good reason. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.

My four kids know that Dad and I parent together, and the answer does not change if you go ask Mom if Dad says no, but they come to me about school and relationships, but I am lost in the world of sports, where my husband shines. He is also, be far, the most diplomatic of the two of us.

I hope this helps! Feeling that your young child hates you is not good. You can, however, fix it. As long as we breath we can fix it.