I have a 20 month old and a 2 week old - both boys. My 20 month old loves his baby brother, but he has started to become defiant. I know he is at the age where he will try to test us, but it has gotten worse since the baby was born (moslty just not listening when we tell him to do something, climbing on the furniture, throwing plates/food off his highchair). We seem to spend most of our time at home putting him in time-out. We have made an effort to spend one-on-one time with him each day. We go on walks to the park, play together, etc (since the baby still sleeps all the time, he still gets a lot of attention), but we're still struggling to get him to obey.
Does anybody who has been in a similar situation have any advice on things we can do to help our oldest adjust? Also, besides time-outs, what are some other effective ways to discipline him. I know he is having a little bit of a hard time, but we don't want to get lenient on the discipline and have him walk all over us, but I hate that he is "in trouble" all the time.
Please reassure me this will get better. How long does this initial adjustment period to a new baby usually last?
Thanks for all the reassurance. My oldest has already adjusted much better. I think it just took time to get over the initial shock to no longer being an only child. We are all happier now, and he is in trouble a lot less. :)
My boys are the same age apart and I had the same problem when number 2 was born! We just really gave him time. Keep doing what you are doing! Keep spending time with just him! He is just jealous and doesn't understand why there is a new baby getting attention! It will get better! My boys pretty much get along great, and they are 2 and seven months now!
I feel for you! Mine are 21 months apart and now they are 20 months and 3.5yrs :) It goes fast, trust me! My oldest is a boy and went through a similar time. All your son wants is your attention (as i am sure you know). So, in my opinion, as long as the baby is getting fed and cuddled at times, remember the main thing to deal with right now is really giving the older baby lots of attention. 20 months is still such a baby and although he may be able to understand commands he has so much more on his plate right now and its really very unlikely that he is going to obey. It would be different if he were 5. Again, he is still such a baby and just wants love. So try to keep him away from the baby so he doesnt hurt him and this is where you and your husband split the duties...its now one on one :) Good luck, it will pass in a few months and move on to the next stage (where you may find another difficulty!) but its ALL worth it :)
We went through the same thing. My son was the sweetest, well-behaved child . . . until the baby came. I don't know if it was "just that age" or the baby but it was exactly as you describe - not listening and purposefully being defiant. It does get better, they are 4 and 1 now and life is so much better. I will say to be very patient, make sure you are explaining why he is in trouble and (this is the hardest part) try not to raise your voice and make a big scene. DO NOT IGNORE his behavior, make sure you consistently correct it but don't give him a lot of attention over his bad behavior. At this time any attention is welcome, good or bad, so make sure you give him the most attention when he is behaving well. Just give it time, but don't give in to his behavior (regardless of how "curious" they are about gravity) otherwise your once sweet child will think that it's OK to behave this way all the time and you'll go nuts. If I remember correctly, I'd say it took a good 6months or so for things to begin to settle back down. Keep doing what you're doing, spend one on one time with both and eventually you'll get life back on track. Good Luck and God bless your family.
He just wants attention. Give him some alone time and that should help.
I am worried that you think his behavior is because of the other baby, especially since it that was your first child and you are not what to expect, but I am here to reassure you that it is typical behavior for the age! My daughter is 19 months old and does all of these same things and I do not have any other children! That is all normal. I cannot tell you that it will certainly improve soon because mine is your child's same age, but I can tell you that unless he is hurting the baby or doing dangerous things, for the most part I just ignore the stuff. They are so impressed with gravity and physics at this age that throwing their plate on the floor and climbing on furniture are just interesting things to do. I doubt he is doing it in an evil manner. And, time outs are just not effective with a 20 month old. That could be part of the problem. Sometimes if a child is alwaysin trouble, they feel like they are a bad kid and will act worse. Or, he is jut so bored from being in time out that he misbehaves so much when he isn't in time out, kind of taking advantage of his free time. I would just try to not make such a big deal out of what he does.
Mine are 18 months 2 weeks apart. My oldest is super sweet, but did the same thing. I think it is probably just the age. He will be 2 and a half in December and is not as defiant at all, but is now moving on to other boundaries to push. I really don't think it is the child, but a phase. I did have the oldest one help me in the kitchen a lot and help me give the baby a bath...gave him a cup to pour water over his brother's belly..eventually he was reliable enough to rinse his hair and stuff like that. I PROMISE it gets better. My youngest is now alomst 11 mnths and they are big buddiess. He is walking and they just giggle together and almost SHARE TOys...I wouldn't stress too much about the behavior. It will pass. stay as consistent as you can. My biggest frustration was when i was nursing the baby and the oldest would do something JUST OUT OF REACH..like he knew how long my arm was! :0)
They are smart, but it sounds like you guys are doing great!
Hang in there.
He needs a lot more time to adjust. My oldest went through the same thing when my second son came home from the hospital. Just be consistent and try to overlook the things that you can. Pick your battles and keep doing what your doing. It just takes time. It's not only your son who has to adjust, but you have to adjust to all this, too. Give everyone more time. Congratulations!
It may be party due to baby- but also, that's about when they start really testing their limits- new baby or not. My daughter (31 months) is doing the same thing (we will be having a baby in January, but she isn't here yet!). I think maybe this is just a normal challenging stage, and why it's called "terrible 2's". Maybe your son is just acting 2 already. :-) Of course it'll get better... just expect him to see if you are still going to follow through with discipline now that he knows you are busier and more tired.
It gets better. How I got my som to adjust is everytime he would do something bad, we would say to the baby, "oh no, did you see your brother do that? he just threw that and could've hurt someone" or "look at him making that mess" Every thing bad he would do we would tell the baby, and he would seem to get a little embarresed by it. We would tell him after we told the baby what he did, "you don't want your little sister to see that bad behavior do you? Then she will want to do that when she is a big girl. Big boys don't do bad things like that do they?" About two months of that, he started to calm down. They are now 2 and 3, and he looks out for her so much. If she falls or cries, he is right by her side making sure little sister is ok.
So good luck. All kids are different, but I thought I might suggest this. It worked out pretty well for us.
My daughter turned pretty defiant one day when I was pregnant with my second. It just takes time. It is a phase and is likely aggravated by the new baby. I would sit on the floor to breastfeed the baby so I could interact with my older daughter at the same time. Half the time she would get up and walk off and there I was on the floor uncomfortable! I also got a big sister book for her by Joanna Cole (there is a big brother version) that talks about how special the big sister/brother is. I liked that one and my daughter would ask to read it every night. This phase will pass into another in time.
When you feed the baby hold him too. I know this is super difficult, I did it with my two who are 20 months apart. The defiance lessened because I was spending super special time with the two of them.
Also kids at that age are curious. They do things because they can. What we see as defiance isn't defiance at all, just them being curious. The bigger of reaction they get from you the bigger they think they are. So if you get up set and put him in time out he sees that he has power over you. Instead of letting him form your reactions figure out what to do to make it where he can't throw his plate off the high chair. Get him a big-boy table. Let him eat his food directly off the high chair without a plate instead of being set in your ways and thinking it has to be a certain way.
If your child doesn't assert his independence and show that he can act independently then when he is older he won't know how to. As he grows you will want him to be more independent but if he never was allowed to go through the independent stage and was labeled as a defiant child, then when he is a teen he will be defiant. It is counter intuitive to what almost all parent "experts" say, but it's the truth. Squashing a child's independence at around 2, labeling them as defiant makes them defiant teens.
