Dear S.,
You are absolutely right when you say that spanking only aggravates the overall defiance. Positive or negative reinforcement has been proven to work better.
Here are a few pointers to address your child's defiance.
First, I would say try not to see your child's behavior as defiance. See it as the necessary growing up behavior. After all, he will be thinking entirely on his own in a few years. Start training him now. There are books or articles out there on raising a defiant child. I read an article several years ago that talked about the positives of a defiant child, for example, they tend to be leaders.
Giving your child some options. Start gradually increasing as the child ages. Does he prefer to do his home work as soon as he gets home from school or wait an hour. That way the child is having the freedom to make some simple decisions. Decision making is a skill. Giving your child some options encourages thinking. Autonomy is a good thing.
Be somewhat flexible; does his favorite TV program come on right after school and he would rather begin his homework after the program?
Build a relationship with your child. This must be in unison with the parenting part. It has been said that Relationship must be involved as much as Rules. In other words, don't have a relationship with your son that is made entirely of rules. Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.
Build his self esteem.
Read books. You can learn how to be a great parent with or without the defiant child :)
Here are a few good books to look over. I really enjoyed the P.E.T. book.
Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikers
Presents no-nonsense advice and techniques for dealing with many misbehaviors using natural and logical consequences.
P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon
Addresses issues of family communication, conflict resolution, and raising responsible
children without shame or punishment.
Some other great books to take a look at:
Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn J. Kvols
Provides many techniques to guide families to become close, cooperative, and respectful. Provides great ways to set limits in positive ways. Helps solve the “mystery” of why children misbehave.
Discipline Without Tears by Rudolf Dreikers
Stresses encouragement, cooperation, and disciplining children lovingly and effectively.
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Very good for “strong willed” children. Provides specific tool to work with “spirited” children.
Guiding Young Children by Eleanor Reynolds
Practical problem solving techniques that exclude the use of punishment, blame, or guilt. Presents techniques for developing listening skills, negotiation, conflict resolution, and setting limits.
Discipline That Works by Thomas Gordon
Provides evidence that punitive discipline and punishment are harmful to children and are ineffective as a means to fostering children’s good behavior. Provides strategies to help children control their own behavior.
Boundary for kids by Townsend and Cloud.
Best Wishes