Having Problems with My Husband and Communication

Hi J.

I too feel like this sometimes. Living with a roommate. Though I think your husband may be acting in fear? He is maybe fearful of loosing this baby too, so he is detatching himself from the situation, so if it does happen, he won't be so hurt. If he doesn't want to sit down and talk with you I suggest writing him a letter. I do this often when I don't feel I can express myself through talking. My husband dreads my letters haha! If its all in a letter he can read it while he's alone, there are no tempers or hormones flying, and he can just take it all in. Or you could read it to him. I would invite him to do the same. Obviously he doesn't want to talk about it but maybe he would share with you by writing down how he's feeling.

I feel for your struggles. While we have not lost a child (which would be so hard) I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy last year. My husband and I have been married 3 years, have 2 children, and found out about my MD all in that 3 years! It is alot to deal with. We just started counseling last week. We are both very commited to our relationship and realised that we are such different people that it would help to have an intermediary while working on communicating. The one session we have been to was wonderful and most insurances pay at least a portion of the cost (ask when you make an appointment as the first counseler charged $250 a session and we found one for $65). We all need help in our marriages and this way you are there together instead of working alone. Also, we write e-mails to each other so that we can think things through, type it out, make sure its what we really wanted to say. Then you dont have to be right there and it frees up those emotions that can be hard to share. Its worked great for us. Good luck. Jen

J., there is one book that I read, that made a huge difference in my life, and it has truly been a blessing to my marriage. It is called the "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" there is another one called "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" they are both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I have only read the first one, but maybe the second one could help you and your husband. I think it is meant to be read by couples. She talks alot about what makes a marriage work (easy things to do). My other thoughts, is that your husband is probably scared, and hurt from the first pregnancy.

Hi J., I am sorry for you and your husbands loss, it is really hard.everyone deals with a loss differently it sounds like your husband is trying to deal with it buy going out alot with his friends,but that is not going to solve anything. if nothing else it will make things worse. have you asked him to maybe go to some counceling with you to help with all of this? if he won't go maybe you start going to see what can help! maybe once the new one is here maybe he will respond better. lets hope. but I would check into some counceling first.and maybe one who can also help with the loss of a child. you might want to call your local hospital most hospitals have groups they can refer you to I would start there. how are you holding up with the loss? I wish you nothing but the best hang in there sweety.~L.~

Hi J.,

First off, you make complete sense. Loosing a child, at any point in your pregnancy can be very difficult. And can affect the Dads just as much as the Moms.

I would start by taking a deep breath, and talking with your husband. Explain to him that you know it was difficult dealing with the miscarriage, it was hard for you too. But now it's time to focus on this baby, and you "need" him there for you. It's hurting you to feel so distant from him, and what does he feel is happening?

This may seem a little "cautious", but men have such huge emotions that have a hard time of surfacing at times. With a little love and a lot of patience, I'm sure you'll be able to get to the bottom of what is bothering him.

Good luck! And congratulations on your pregnancy!

Well I wont claim to have any expertise in this area, but it sounds like your husband may be afraid to get close to this baby, because of how the last pregnancy went. He probaby figures if he doesnt get close and you loose it, it wont hurt so bad this time. I may be totally off base though. As for what to do, now thats a lil harder, i would say talk but apperntly communication doesnt work. Will he talk to say your DR. then maybe that way he can get an idea of how it is your doing, and how the baby is doing. Maybe if he sees this baby is ok he wont be so afraid of getting close to this baby. I hope everything works out for you and your husband.

Dear J., I am so very sorry about your loss. I to have felt the loss of a baby. I had four miscarriages before I was able to carry one to term. My husband also acted alot like your is acting. We had a pool table at the time and he would spend hours playing pool. I think it was his way of dealing with the pain of the miscarrages. I was so sad and I cried alot. I thought he didn't love me anymore. Finally our hearts healed and we ended up growing closer.
When we got pregnant with our daughter in 2003, he wouldn't talk about the baby at all. He worked almost 70 hours a week. I wondered if he was ever going to get over his funk and realize we had a baby on the way. He did! I think it is harder for men, they don't feel that baby inside of them. Even before I felt that my baby move I loved her. I may have been scared of losing the baby but I still loved her. Men don't have that instant love. My husband had distanced himself from loving our baby because he didn't want to feel the pain of losing another. He said it was hard for him when I was pregnant because he had been afraid. But when he held our daughter for the first time all that fear went away. He had the biggest smile on his face that wouldn't go away. He was completely smitten, all the nurses teased him about the perma-grin on his face. My bet is that your husband will feel the same way in the moments after you give birth.
Give your husband some room. You both are dealing with alot. You both lost a little person you loved. If you need someone to talk to just send me a message. I know what you are going through. Hope things get better for you two soon. Take care R.

I had a similar communication break down with my husband during pregnancy, also our first. I think the idea of bringing a little person into this world is quite a shocker to men- women have been imagining it since childhood, and men may not even begin to consider the possibility until marraige. Although he has practice being a dad to your son, he doesn't yet know the emotions behind his own flesh and blood, and he's probably a little scared that he won't measure up. My advice is to get one of those books that tells you something about your growing baby each day or week, and just mention it to your husband until he responds to something. The idea that your baby grew ear lobes or finalized a spinal column or began hiccuping this week may be more interesting (and easier to visualize) than the bigger picture of "do you think the baby will be sweet or demanding?". Finally, a part of this does have to do with your hormones. I remember crying and asking my husband not to leave me while pregnant, while now I know the possibility of him leaving was nonexistant. Being rational is not usually listed in pregnancy side effects, so know that much of this temporary relationship struggle will pass. Just FYI, moments after delivery, my hubby was as smitten with our baby girl as any other doting father. Guaranteed, your husband will show his true calling as a father once the baby is born.

Maybe he is scared that you're going to lose this baby...that's a longshot, I'm sure...but maybe...

Some guys can't hack pregnant women. Maybe you are hormonal...maybe he's hormonal.

Sometimes men have these internal crises about being men and being able to provide for their children. Since this is his first biological child, he's probably stressin' a little. This is purely a theory...heck, I'm not even a man.

Hopefully it's a funk and if it's not, may I suggest couseling? If you're churchy, you can talk to someone there...

I wish you the best and HUGS!

I just want to start out by saying I have so much respect for you and you're husband. You both have gone threw alot together. Alot of pain, emotions, love and loss. I would give him space, it sounds like he is confused and does'nt know how to deal with what he's feelings. Let him go out to do his things, even though you're heart will sink when he walks out the door...you know he'll be back and he may want to talk or be more open if you let him come to you. Love yourself right now, pay all the attention you can on feeling good. Eat the foods you love, dress up in pretty outfits, get some new lotion...anything that makes you feel beautiful and strengthens you inside...gives you confidence. You two are not falling apart, your both going threw a time in your lives where your learning and experiencing the not so good times. Remember how these days feel and you will embrace the days when things are not so bad. Sometimes you must suffer to really feel true happiness....good luck to you, stay strong and beautiful.

J.,

It may be that he's not connecting with you at this time because he's afraid you'll lose the baby again and he doesn't want to get too attached. You're at the point now in your pregnancy where you'll caryy the baby to term. Maybe he doesn't understand that. Does he go with to your dr.'s appointments? Maybe you should try to get him to go with you and have the dr. explain to him that you are past the scary time and it's just a wait for the baby time. Try to get him more involved. If you have one of those fetla monitors where you can hear the heart beat maybe one night have him listen. if you don't have one see if you can find a cheap one and get him to listen to the heartbeat. Maybe that will make it more real for him. After he listens to the heartbeat tell him that you're past the scary part and now you're just waiting for the baby to arrive. If he doesn't believe you have him go to a dr.' appointment and have the dr, confirm it. That may help him get moer involved with the pregnancy. My husband wasn't involved with my pregnancy much, he didn't go to dr.'s appointments with me. I wish he would have because then he could have heard our daughters heartbeat. Hopefully the second time around I can get him more involved in the pregnancy. But we're not talking about me, so try those ideas and let me know what happens I'd like to know whether or not I helped you out.

C.

I agree that he may still be a little scared of losing this one too but the other thing is that when i was preg. I always felt abandoned now in reflection I think that I was feeling lonely because I couldn't go out and do all the things I had done before no more bars or smoking or parties heck i was too tired after work to even hang out with friends but on the other hand my husband didn't give anything up that he normally did so I felt like he was leaving me and really he just thought that life hadn't changed. now he does his fair share with our daughter. remember it usually takes the guys until the babies are in they're arms until the reality of it hits. I hope this helps.

I'm willing to bet that as soon as that baby is born he will smarten up. He probably is detaching himself at the moment because he doesn't want the pain he felt when the first baby was lost. Im sure he will come around, just be patient.

Sounds to me like he's afraid that you'll lose this one too and so he's not going to get close. Do you think he adequately mourned the loss of the last one?

Have you tried setting up a quiet time with just the two of you in a place where both of you feel comfortable and told him what you're feeling and what you need without making any comments on how he's acting? Perhaps talk about the previous loss and how you feel about it and this pregnancy.
Saying everything with compassion for him.

A sometimes easier way to talk is to take a walk and talk. That way you have distractions if it gets too difficult and you don't have to look at each other which may make it easier to say what you're feeling.

I think I've heard of support groups for parents of pregnancies after lost pregnancies. You could check with the local hospital. And some communities have a resource line that should know if there are any.

My husband and I have been through many challenges in the past few years including living on opposite sides of the country due to jobs. So, communications is definitely important. However, we were starting to feel like ours was not to where we wanted it to be anymore. I came across a new book in the library...10 Lessons to Transform your Marriage by John and Julie Gottman (They also have another book something like And Baby Makes 3). This book is based upon scientific research that they have done on couples including video taping, heart rate monitoring etc. So, as they say in the book their advice is not based upon whims or their beliefs, but what they are finding works on many levels and can be scientifically verified.

ANYWAY, we started reading the first chapter and we both got into it. We ended up buying 2 copies of the book and sit down a couple of times a week when possible and read it together. There are also activities, etc. They have examples of communication that they critique, etc. that they record b/n couples. They provide feedback to the couples and have them try again.

The point of this was that we just finished the second chapter, which was all about conflict avoidance in relationships. It seems like it might be right up your alley.

We have found that we have only gone through 3 chapters so far and so much has already improved AND my husband actually likes the book as well and thinks it is really helpful. Turns out that we end up talking about the couple a lot and finding ways to relate to their situation and be able to talk about many of our own issues in a very neutral way when we are "working on the book". We say that we are going to work on it for 1-1.5hr and we often have many tangential conversations that take us well beyond that set aside time. The point is that our communication and desire to do so is improving. A lot of that is attributed to the examples that they provide, which helps us identify things we say in our own relationship. Further, there is the quality time we spend together "working on the book" and the increased communication in general.

Best wishes.