Having Boyfriend over Unsupervised.

I agree with the people who said talk tp her and also talk to his parents. she sounds like a 14 yo who made a mistake. like we all have!!( so people stop acting you were the perfect child).

Hi, L.:

Have a family conference and ask her these questions:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Her answers to these questions would help in what consequence to do.

Good luck. Thanks for asking. D.

She made a bad choice.I am sure she is a good girl, may have not known how to handle the situation at that moment.

I would say she cannot see or speak to him for the rest of this weekend AND you and your husband want to speak with both of them about the rules of behavior. Tell them you are not mad, just disappointed.

I like the idea of talking to the parents of the boy to find out how they handled it as well. I don't see any harm in both of them knowing that as parents, you are ALL on the same page with this.
Also, in my opinion, you shouldn't focus simply on the fact it was her boyfriend she let in. At least with my kids...they weren't allowed to let ANYONE in while I was gone. My mom and sister might be one thing, but they never just showed up unannounced due to distance, so that wasn't really an okay scenario.
I was at work one day, my son was home alone after school, and don't ask me why, but my boss "was in the area" and stopped by my house. My son didn't let him in. My boss's feelings were hurt. I told him, "Look...when I tell my kid NO ONE is allowed in the house when I'm gone, he knows I mean it. Maybe you didn't mean any harm, but he would have been in big trouble for letting you in." Even his own wife, who adores my son said, "Why would you go to her house when you know she's not there? She was at work running your office. What were you doing at her house?"

Anyway, your daughter just needs to understand that if she can't follow the rules, then she's obviously not mature enough to be left at home by herself at 14. Mom was in the hospital, Dad was gone for 2 hours and she let her boyfriend in instead of telling him to wait and call or come back when Dad got home.
I think letting her know that trust is broken and now you're feeling 14 is not old enough for her to be left alone will have a pretty big impact on her.
When my kids got old enough not to want to have to go to a "babysitter", I made it clear that if they broke the rules, that was EXACTLY where they would end up. I didn't make any hollow threats and that's why my son knew, at 12, when I said NO ONE, I meant NO ONE....to the extent he wouldn't even open the door for my boss because he didn't have my permission.
I'm not sure what type of restrictions or disciplines to add to this and I hope you get some great responses, but I would surely let her know that's she's in no position to make arbitrary "executive decisions" in your absence. And breaking the rules cost her your trust to leave her alone. It will have to be earned back somehow. If she thinks she's going to do this now, what does she think she can do as far as rules at 16 or 17?

It doesn't have to be the end of the world, but you might want her to think it is for a little while at least.

I hope that you are well and recovering.
Best wishes.

I would definitely make sure she knows how to protect herself, since whether you want to believe it, there is a definite possibility she is, or will soon become sexually active. Hormones are raging, and temptations are great. If teenagers want to be alone together, they will find a way. Also, I would have her invite her boyfriend over, you and DH, DD and boyfriend all sit down together. DD then tells boyfriend, in your presence, that she made a mistake, and she just wants the boyfriend to please understand that she isn't allowed to have him over while no parents are at home in the future. I'm not sure it is worth any more punishment than that, unless it happens again.

I think she made a mistake. Was she realistically supposed to turn him away? She should not be able to have any friends over for a week or so, and maybe do some extra chores, but nothing serious, she fessed up.

I think you should sit down and have a talk with her. ASK HER what she thinks a good/appropriate discipline would be.

I totally agree that supervision is the best way! Keep up the good work mom! My parents were quite strict with me and I AM GLAD FOR IT! I love my life. I have a great husband. Two great kids with another on the way. God has blessed us more than I could ever imagine.

I make it clear to my kids that NO ONE is allowed in the house when I am not there. I don't think that I would focus on the fact that it was her boyfriend in the house as much as she is not showing much responsibility. I think you will probably get a lot of trouble from her in the future if the punishment is unreasonable. Talk to her and try to find out her reasoning behind this. If the boy's parents are people that you can talk to then talk to then and see what they did. Tell her that you trust her but she just showed poor judgment in that situation. I can tell you that my son had his friend over for a short time before I got home from work. I talked to my son and told him that I did not like that situation. I was surprised to find out that my son didn't really trust the boy so I didn't have to do any discipline because my son showed enough maturity and does not want the boy over here again. I think in your situation that I would not let the boy come over for a week. It is probably important in this situation to find out what discipline the boy got.

Have her restricted from seeing her "boyfriend" for a couple days!

You don't believe she is sexually active: does that mean you haven't sat down with her and discussed it?

I think Donna S. is on the right track, and the questions she lists will help you understand the whys and hows of your daughter's choice. Which may actually have been quite innocent, and it would be unhelpful to assume the worst if there was no worst. Young people do tend to eventually fulfill others' expectations of them.

It sounds like both your daughter and her boyfriend have involved, caring parents. This is good; you are all doing your jobs, and your kids may have a good sense of responsibility. Even really good kids can make the occasional bad call, but their time together could very well have stopped with them simply hanging out. And could continue to stop there, no matter how much time they spend together in the future.

On sex, there are kids who will find a way to engage no matter how strict their parents are, or how little time they have together. And I've known plenty of kids who value their virginity all the way through high school, no matter how careless their parents are. So rules and restrictions are fine, as far as they go, but are no guarantee. While an adolescent engaging in sex is sad, it is not generally the ruination of their lives – what it does ruin is their parents' perfect picture of them.

Accidental pregnancy is harder, of course. I hope you've had open and loving conversations with your daughter about your hopes and expectations, and also let her know that if she does choose to engage in sex, you really want to help her get appropriate birth control. Even that will not guarantee that a naturally-private teen will come to you, but knowing how much their parents care does help many teens take responsible care of themselves.

Working with what she tells you, you can work out the best path forward and reinforce rules and consequences as appropriate. I have even asked a child what consequence they deem appropriate. It can be surprising that they will often mete out a punishment that is harder than what a parent would choose.

The one final thought that I have is that a high-school friend of my daughter's invited a couple of friends to her home while her parents were away for a few hours. Friends called friends, and it turned into a flash party. And quickly spiraled out of control. The house was trashed by the time the kids left. I don't think all young people, especially those from good, responsible families, realize the potential for mob destruction.

I agree with Laurie. She knows the rules, but faced with the decision in the moment...do you REALLY expect her to tell him he can't come in? I think it is great that HE got in trouble with his parents too...it is good for parents to have a united front on these things. You might consider calling his parents and see what they meted out and you can match it--hopefully it was meaningful. It sends a strong message to kids when two sets of parents are fair but consistent.

I truly hope you have a great relationship with your daughter. I was a bit older, but my parents had NO clue that I was sexually active either. There is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of skepticism.

P.S. Hope you are recovering well.

You're already being extremely lenient by allowing a 14 year old to have a "real boyfriend" and aknowledge him as such-which I know is the norm now, but when I was that age, I was NOT allowed to hang around a "boyfriend". I was kept very busy working and preparing for college etc, not led to believe a romantic-even if only platonic-relationship was an important investment of time at that age. I did of course HAVE a boyfirned who I would orchestate to meet out at certain events, movies etc and meet up with on break at work bagging groceries, but we were never unsupervised, and we both knew it would not be OK to be inapporpriate-he was luckily a really nice boy. You are doing the right thing by supervising, so DO NOT BE SHY to point out how overly super cool you are being, and how IMPORTANT it is that this does not happen. Be frank about every angle of teen psychology and sex ed and definitely take away some boyfriend time as a consequence for this. Having a boyfriend you approve of this young will lead to sex for her in the near future if it hasn't already. Even if they "hold out" until 16, 17, (unrealistic) it will be the next boy if not this one. You need for her to understand you will not allow a "real boyfriend" until she is at least 16 if she can't be strong enough to hold the boundaries (which at 14, she really probably can't).

That is quite some time to leave your daughter at home with b/f. Don't assume that she is not sexually active. I'm not trying to implicate that she is but this is when their hormones' are on the rise. If she confessed only because he got into trouble there is a problem. She should have told your husband right away, not because of the above. She has been told not to have her b/f over while nobody is home and she broke that trust that you had for her. She disrespected you and your husband and that is not right. Its' really hard to actually punish a teenager at her age but because of the disrespect that she has shown, something should be taken away. ie. phone privlages', coming home at a certain hour. You don't want to overdo it or she will retaliate and then you won't know what shes' up to. If you don't have her on some sort of contraceptive do it. I know others' would say shes' to young, your allowing her to be sexual and on and on it will go. However, its not them that may have a young daughter that ends' up pregnant. I've been through the whole nine yards with my daughter who is now 32 and I wouldn't change what I myself thought was right. If she has a boyfriend whos' to say that at some point things get overheated and ooops.... You don't want your daughter at the age of 14 or even 17 coming home giving you that news. She would then be a baby having a baby. Thats' just my point. I'm sure that you will get many responses' that this is wrong but I honestly feel its better to be safe than sorry. I'm not saying that I am right up there and know everything but lets face it, this is the time when hormones' run rampant! You will have to decide on that issue. I'm sure at this point your daughter is quite embarrassed about all that happened and probably doesn't want to talk about it. You know your daughter best at what discipline works for her as well as letting her know that she let you and your husband down by disrespecting the house rules.
Good luck and take care. I've been there, done that and got the T-shirt as they say!! Whatever you decide on, it doesn't have to go any further than your house, it need not be advertised.

Take away something she likes. If you tell her not to see him it could backfire. I agree leaving her alone unsupervised is not a good idea and could lead to something she is not ready for.

Tell her that she is going to get a warning this time, and if it happens again she will be grounded from seeing him for a week. If she gives you any trouble ask her if she wants the week now instead.

Well, you could try having her baby sit a colicky infant for an hour or two and let her know that unwise decisions could land her in a situation where the infant is hers before she's ready for it and the crying doesn't stop after a few hours.

don't leave her at home alone for awhile. You can't trust her yet. Next time make her come with you or drop her at a friends. I know it is inconvenient for you, but it is a natural consequence and will protect her.