Am I a Hypocrit?

There is deeper issues going on when a 14 year old is having sex with a seventeen year old boy. I would look deeply as to WHY she is making these decisions. (self esteem problems, etc...)
There is always something lying deep beneath the choices we make.

http://teenadvice.about.com/library/weekly/qanda/blageofc...
http://www.ageofconsent.com/maine.htm
http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/question/age-of-consent-i...

the boy... is under the legal age of consent... in Maine.

Yeah, it does sound a bit hypocritical. Here honey, here are the condoms and the birth control pills but you can only do it at HIS house...??

If anything, I would be uncomfortable with them having sex at my house because HE is so young.

Good thing you've got her protected, but I think it's time for a talk with his parents. Maybe together you guys can come up with a good solution.

(p.s. - No judgment, I think she's "old enough" (well, at least it's a somewhat acceptable age). Too bad he's not older.)

You are allowing it by letting her go to his house. Hypocrite, no - confused, yes! There are so many red flags in your post I don't even know where to begin. I agree to respect her decision to have sex, but it should be with someone remotely near her maturity level and her age. Her consequences should be not to see a freaking 14 year old!!!!!!!!! The question is, what are your consequences for allowing this in the first place?

You opened this can of worms by posting this - you don't get to get defensive now.

Oh my goodness...14 years old? I'm having a hard time getting past that. I think the law needs to be addressed, as she is probably breaking it. You better hope this boys parents don't take action. Can you see, that this is very serious?

Psychologically, I think something is amiss here. I can't imagine what a 17 year old girl, would want to be doing with a 14 year old. It's just...not right. What, if your daughter was 14 and HE was 17. How would you feel about that? I'm imagining, not great. I'm sorry...I just think it's...weird...that she would be sleeping with a 14 year old. I think that should be addressed, she should be put on birth control (could you imagine...a 14 year old father and your teenage daughter pregnant...oh my.), and she should stick to your rules. I also 100% believe that boys parents need to know he's having sex. Without a doubt, this should be disclosed. This whole situation is just bad

Counseling for her...please.

PS...you know about it AND you are not stopping it. You ARE allowing it. I'm not judging you...I'm stating facts. You asked for advice, and my advice was to tell you the situation is wrong. Wrong in every way. If she were ready for sex, she wouldn't be in a "relationship" with a child. Sorry

My first question would be why my 17 year old daughter wants to have sex with a 14 year old.
It may not be illegal, but there is something wrong. I have a 15 year old son and if he was having sex with a 17 year old girl, it would be stopped. Period. End of sentence. A 14 year old boy?
Does she have esteem issues? Not to sound mean, but 14 year old boys should be like little brothers to her.
I'm glad you have her on the pill, but I wouldn't supply condoms and I wouldn't allow any contact with the boy. Let alone sexual. Just because his parents allow it wouldn't mean a damn thing to me.
You are NOT a hypocite for not allowing them to have sex at your house and I don't know why you allow it at all, but I would want to know why my daughter was having sex with a child 3 years younger than her.
It doesn't matter. 14-17. 15-18. 16-19. It's not a good thing.
I do believe there should be consequences and she needs some help in my opinion.
Neither one of them have their heads on straight and just making sure they have birth control is only part of it. Birth control isn't always effective. If she gets pregnant, what kind of father does she expect a 14 year old to be?
I would put a stop to this even if the boy's parents won't.
This is trouble. Again, sorry, but a 14 year old boy is not emotionally capable of having a sexual relationship and I would never allow it. Not in the slightest.
My son just now got a few underarm hairs and I can't imagine him getting banged by some older girl.
YOU are the parent of the older kid and in my opinion it's YOUR responsibility to do the right thing.
If they are in "love", then your daughter won't mind waiting 4 years until the boy is legal, right? I hope so. When she turns 18, she can get in BIG trouble.
I seriously would explore why she is attracted to a boy that young.
What consenting adults do is their own business no matter the age difference. Neither one of them are adults and that's out the window in this case.
I just read your update....
You're okay with her decision that she's ready for sex.
Really?
She's having sex with a 14 year old. Does that tell you anything? How ready is she?
No offense, I would just really wonder about her own emotional and maturity level.
If she's 17 and on the same emotional level as a 14 year old, that's something you need to deal with differently and separately all together.

Just my opinion.

You ask if you're a hyprocrite, you say no more comments about them being 14 & 17 having sex and you provide the condoms and tell them have it at another person's house not yours. You discuss this behavior with your daughter openly to decide which is better and then you ask if you should provide consequences. Consequences for what? You seem to endorse it even though you know they are under age! I would be discouraging the behavior and educuating my child on the consequences of having sex that early!

You should not allow sex at your house.
You should provide condoms and birth control to her.

Yes, you are a hypocrit. Not just because of the condoms and having sex in his house but not your's. You also are a hypocrit because you would allow your daughter to have sex with another mother's child anywhere when you wouldn't want the same thing for your own.

I am not clear on why she is not locked in her room for having sex with a child..

PS - looked up the law. That's outrageous.

I'm not going to get into my feelings on this......
But I will say that if you know they are having sex
Why in the world are they left at your home alone to do it??? If they are alone....they are going to do it!

Please pick up a copy of the book "EPIDEMIC: HOW TEEN SEX IS KILLING OUR KIDS"
http://www.amazon.com/Epidemic-How-Teen-Killing-Kids/dp/0...

For a while i didn't think I would teach my children to wait to have sex because I didn't. This book was written by a pediatrition who sees first hand the damages done to kids by getting sexually active at a young age. After reading this book, I will, without feeling like a hypocrite, advise my children to wait wait wait. Please, get this book. You are asking the wrong question. You are wondering if you are a hypocrite and you should be asking yourself: how can I act in the best interest of my daughter, to help her be secure, happy, healthy, and safe? I know you don't want this advice, but please, I am not writing in a spirit of judgment. I just think if parents knew the information in this book they would grow the backbones they all really want to have. But instead we ponder if we are hypocrites! As for consequences, make her read the book too.

Well, as her mother you have the right to decide if you agree with her decision that she is ready to have sex. And I applaud you for getting her condoms and on the pill. The truth is, if they want to do it...they will find a way. At least you are preventing an unwanted pregnancy. I would do the same.

I would punish her though. You told her not to do it in your house, and she did it anyway. I would ground her. You don't have to justify yourself to her. Good luck with this situation...your going to need it :)

Your house, your rules. Kids have sex when they are 17, it happens. I started dating my husband when I was 16 and we were having sex at 17. My mom didnt know about it, I couldnt talk to her about anything. I would never allow my 17 year old daughter to have sex in my house. But I want her to know how to be safe, like you are doing. I want her to be able to talk to me if she needs something. I would not condone her having sex, but I would want her to be able to talk to me. If that even makes sense.

At some point I would say (if I was in this situation) that I might very well be a hypocrit--but I don't care. I'm a mother and the actions I undertake to care for and protect my child don't have to make sense. Quite simply, my priorites don't have to compliment and correspond.

I understand your reasoning.... You don't necessarily want them having sex, however you absolutely don't want her getting pregnant or a STD. Your priority to ensure she doesn't conceive or contract a STD is a higher priority than your desire that she be chaste. So, you supply the birthcontrol to ensure that your higher priority is covered; you forbid sex in your home to address the other priority.

As mothers, we often face hypocritical situations and prioritize motherly concerns higher than our individual rules/values. Because we all have been telling our children "no, don't do that" since they were 12 months old and trying to stick shoes in their mouths... And darn it, they don't listen! (Lol)

Consequences for having sex at your house......you provide everything else, why not a place to do it This is insane that your letting them have sex, providing condoms, then picking the place for them. I think your right protecting your daughter from getting pregnant and STDs. I guess its to late to stop them.......so yes I think your being a hypocrite, but who cares......its your house and your rules! My answer is just as messed up as your question...LOL!

I agree with a lot of the other posts regarding the most troubling issue - that your 17 year old daughter has a 14 year old boyfriend. I can't get that off my mind. I agree that your daughter must have some self esteem/lack of confidence issues to sexually take up with a 14 year old boy. That relationship needs to stop immediately, and is the only thing that I wish to comment on.

No, it's not illegal until she is 18. And I have to say, don't judge them unless you know them. Perhaps this 14 yr old is more mature than most?
I think if they had sex in your home, and she knows that it's not allowed, there should be some sort of consequence for it.
I also think that you supplying the protection and having her on birth control is very wise of you. You know they are doing it, you know he's not being careful, and they will probably do it wether you give them protection or not. So it's good that you're protecting them.

You are your daughter's mother, not his. You are obviously okay (or at least accepting) with your daughter having sex. You're not responsible to take care of another's child. This is their decision. It isn't illegal. Yes, the age thing is a little bit weird, but who am I to judge? She's 17, it's doubtful that she's going to grow up marrying this guy anyways.
In my opinion, it's not hypocritical for you to say it's okay for them to have sex at his house but not yours. You're not comfortable with it happening in your home. So that's that.

Yes, it is hypocritical.I agree with your daughter. You are affirming her choices by your actions. If you don't agree with her actions, then you need to change yours,

Uh...yes I do believe it is illegal. Neither is of the age of consent.

D.,
I have no thoughts on the age issue brought up by the other posters. I don't think I would be comfortable with my daughter having sex in my home (I have some time before this is an issue with her- hopefully) but I wouldn't be so naive to think that my teen daughter and her boyfriend weren't having sex. I did it. My parents didn't talk to me about protection or birth control or anything. Thank God my best friend's mom was very open with us and I was able to talk to her! I can't imagine the consequences if I didn't have someone to drill protection into my head. So kudos to you for being realistic and smart. I think you are teaching your daughter to be responsible for her body.
As far as the consequences- had you communicated to her that she was not to have sex in your home? If not then maybe a talk about your expectations and limitations is in order instead of punishment. If she knew already that you didn't want her having sex in your home then I think there should be consequences for her defying you. I don't think you are being a hypocrite about not wanting her to have sex in your home and still buying condoms. You are being realistic. She's going to have sex if she wants to have sex. You are just keeping her safe.
Good luck to you and ignore the negatives- there are some people on here that post, I think, just to be negative. It's unfortunate but it's a part of life. But the beauty of this website is that you can just scroll right past those negative comments!

Personally, I wouldn't have an issue with the location at this point. I would let your daughter know she may have a bit too much free time on her hands, and that she could do better than a 14 year old.

I'm not going to address the content of your post, but just answer the question.

If you told her not to have sex in your house, yes, there should be consequences. This is about her breaking the rules! It really doesn't matter that she's allowed to do it elsewhere. You made a rule, she broke it, and there needs to be a consequence.

I was scolded for "not having teenagers yet so shouldn't speak until I do" when I was actually asking for advice for WHEN my children get older and I see people here judging you when they don't have teenagers yet. Yes - why don't you just forbid her to have sex. Oh - that won't work unless you keep her under lock and key! There's only so much you can do. I don't think it's hypocritcal of you. You've done the responsible thing getting her protection and you've told her you don't approve but there's not much more you can do. But not punishing her for being in your house starts to look like you do condone it.

I think you are being a good parent by not allowing it in your home. Allowing it in your home is like you are condoning it. I am sure you do not WANT your daughter having sex. Since you KNOW she is, it is smart to make sure she is using protection. However, if you know for a fact that his parents allow it in their home, then how about just not allowing her to go to his house? If she sneaks over there anyway, then take away priveledges--car, phone, etc.
Good luck!

I wouldnt be comfortable with my kids having sex in my house until they were married or at least living together. I never let my sons have a girl in their room, EVER. Just a respect thing, and reminding them that sex is not a childrens game.
i'd definitely let her know how disappointed you are that she disobeyed your rule. I'm sure the lecture should be sufficient, just let her know that there better not be a "next time".

I am at a loss for words. I am completely stunned.

This is why people homeschool or want to hide their kids in a cave.

The largest problem is the legality issue due to their ages.

It is good that they have protection, and I guess if the young mans parents know what is going on and allow it in their house, they are saying they would not prosecute..

But since you do not want this behavior going on in your house, she broke the house rules.. Sounds like she is grounded at least for this weekend. no phone no computer unless for homework? Had you all discussed consequences?

I am sending you strength..

A hypocrite is "a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs." If you believe a 14 yo should not be having sex, and yet facilitate it everywhere but your house then yes, you are. That being said, this is complicated by the fact that you know they will do it anyway. So she thinks that because you are choosing the lesser of two evils (unprotected sex vs. trying to stop her from having sex with a 14 yo), that anything should be okay, including sex at your house.
My opinion is that you can explain to her that you think it is not a good idea for them to be having sex because of his age, but you need her to be protected. So this is the best compromise you could come up with. So her choices are: you stop buying condoms for them (so you are not a hypocrite), or you continue to supply *her* (not him) with protection because you are fine with her decision to have sex, but she respects your dispproval of his age by not having sex in your house. The consequences this time are this conversation, but you need to decide on future consequences. If her BF was 17, would they be ok to have sex in the house? You need to think through all the ramifications and what is ok with you.

Supply the condoms but report them both to CPS too. There is a big difference between a 20 yr old and a 23 yr having sex. At 14...A 3 yr age gap is psychologically significant. Yes -- I meant that. I think they both need a mental evaluation.

I get that you don't want to bury your head in the sand. And so yes, serious talks about condoms and prevention of birth and STDs is a must. But your daughter should also be seeing a therapist. You should be finding mature hobbies for her to engage in. Make her get a job where she can engage with kids her age. Sign her up for post-secondary courses at a local college. She will eventually realize how stupid sex with a 14 yr old is -- Help her figure this out sooner rather than later.

No its your house and you shouldn't have it there if you don't want it.

Actually they are both underage so its not good. Next year the daughter can be prosecuted and you a helper because you did protect the boy.. I wouldnt want it anywhere near my house. In my house need to be married instead of playing at being a family. She is 17 so she wont hear you. If possible see if you can send her to other family out of town for a while and see if distant makes a difference.

I believe you are correct that it is not illegal, as in the state of Maine the age of consent is 16, but there is an age gap provision that only criminalizes it if the older party is 5 yrs or older than the minor.

That being said, it IS immoral, and in my opinion, supplying the condoms and then telling them just not to do it in your house is absolutely condoning it.

I don't understand why you say that you are ok with her decision to bisexually active, and then supply everything except the venue. If I were her I'd see that as mixed messages.

I wouldn't trust a 14 year old to properly use a condom each and every time. Hopefully your daughter is more responsible about taking her pills than she is choosing a little boyfriend.

You have some great answers & support here (and, yeah, maybe a few not-so-great ones too :) ) so I won't add to that. I just wanted to wish you strength, peace, patience and a sense of humor -- the essentials of getting through teenagers. I'm not sure whether this is your oldest or not but, as the mother of 4 girls, I can totally empathize! For what it's worth, they do learn good judgment and their common sense improves as they get older -- the trick can be getting them to that point without major, life-altering consequences!

A hug to you for being a realistic, caring, concerned mother who isn't afraid to broach the tough topics with a teenager!

Well I don't know about a hypocrite, but I do think you are sending mixed messages. By saying not to do it at your house, you are saying you don't like it and/or it's bad/wrong. By providing protection and knowing where it is happening you are saying you give your approval to these activities. Very confusing I think. From where I sit I can see you love your daughter and don't want her pregnant or saddled with some horrible disease. From her perspective I think it could seem like you think sex is dirty but are fine with it as long as she hides it away, which I don't think is a very positive view toward something as awesome and powerful as sex. So I think it is all confusing for her young brain. Something else I think is a big issue is that she is spending time with a young man who's parents know he is having sex in his room. What else do they allow?? How would you ever know? I was allowed in my boyfriend's room as a teen alone. His mom didn't care. His mom also didn't care if teens smoke or drank or who knows what else. I was definitely in harm's way and my mom had no idea. As close as we were, I didn't tell her. You are what I would say is a normal parent, no sex in the house. So who are these people that do allow it? I would be very concerned about my child hanging out at a house like this. You may think nothing else is happening, but I would say you have a good chance of being wrong on that point. I mean does he have sibilings or older friends, is your daughter in danger of being raped, and no-one would even be aware? I think this is a dangerous place for her, I would put an end to it asap were it me. Also, what are the laws in your state? Here in Texas, if there are more than two years difference it is statutory. Now if his parents are fine with it, I guess you are safe, but what if they have a fight. What if she wants to call it off and he doesn't. He may play that card and legally have a case, it is just a dangerous spot, as I said in Texas, not sure about where you live, but I do think you should check into that. When she is 18 and he is 15 it will be illegal and could potentially become a problem because you never really know people until there is trouble in the waters, he could turn on her and that could be really bad, just something to think about. Finally I do think it is an unwise decision for teens to engage in sex. To me it is sort of like handing a kid a loaded gun and telling them the safety is on, so all is well, go on ahead to school honey.... A gun in the hands of a skilled person with a license, is fine, elsewhere can be fatal. Sex is similar, it creates deep bonds, not to mention life and is not meant to be toyed with by those without a license. I have a friend who is a single mom who swears she was on the pill and using a condom when she conceived her daughter. So, that is still a risk, thankfully the partner wasn't HIV positive! I think teaching he the power of sex, the responsibility of sex, and the benefits of waiting would be awesome. After having my heart broken a couple times I discovered the hard way that waiting would be best. Twelve years later when I married my husband I wasn't sorry!! Good luck, hope I helped a little!

If I'm clear here you want to know if there should be consequences because she had sex in your house when you told her not to? With a fourteen year old? And you think this is okay? I do not understand this. In my mind sex was clearly for married people and I knew once in awhile people slipped up before marriage. I even understand people's choices about having a baby without marriage I understand you wanting your daughter safe and wish to have condoms. But seriously, she is having sex! with a fourteen years old! and the whole part that bothers you as they did it in YOUR HOME? you have a clear sense of honor about your daughter violating your laws, but not God's and good old fashioned decision making. I am getting old I guess. I know you didn't want opinions about that but it screams for our attention.

You can be a "hypocrite" or a Grandma......YOU CHOOSE

give them the condoms but NEVER allow them to be in your home

Yes, it would be hypocritical to allow it one place and not the next.

There are bigger problems than that. I have not read through all your responses but once the 17 year old becomes 18, they are an adult. An adult having sex with a minor. This is against the law.

I don't know whether there should be consequences for her that you can met out. You have already said you don't have a problem with it. You are giving your daughter very mixed messages. I would make sure that you are not liable. The world is a very strange place. What if the parents of this boy suddenly feels that your daughter is doing something inappropriate?

The absolute truth is that teenagers are sexual beings, as much as we would like to deny it and hold that part of development off for another decade or so. Humans evolved to start reproducing during those years, and their bodies are ready for sex. _If_ they decide that they're going to do it, they're going to do it, and we can't stop them. What we can do is try to teach them to make that decision responsibly and maturely, in the context of a committed relationship, and to make sure that they know the possible consequences (physical and emotional) and how to minimize the risks.

As for the boyfriend being 14, That's a HS freshman dating a senior. Thinking of it in that context is a little different. Yes, he's a bit young for her, but not knowing their respective maturity levels, I can't really say how appropriate or inappropriate it is.

Having said that, if I knew that my any of my children were having sex, I would much rather them do it in my house or another safe place rather than in a car somewhere or some other place where there may be more risks than just the sex itself. Just my 2c. I know I'm probably in the minority in this.

I think you are pretty cool about the whole thing. Good for you and your daughter for being open enough to protect her with the pill and condoms. You are much better off to be a Supplier than a Grandma. Just ask her not to do it again, Trust she won't.

To answer your question directly...yes/sort of. You have gone above and beyond in being approachable for your daughter and that is wonderful. If she is going to have sex...at least you are making sure she is safe and not going to make you a young grandma. My son is only 2 so I can't even imagine the teen years but I think if I handled my 17 year old the same way as you, I would be very "hip" and responsible by providing my child with protection. That is a very good thing. All you are asking is for some common courtesy in return/not to rub the fact she is sexually active in your face by doing it in your home. Hyprocritical, possibly...but more than fair, I think. Good for you mama for not living in denial and denying your daughter of protection when just hoping that she abstains. I was not close to my mom and still would not even talk to her about sex, lol...so I know you must be a very approachable/loving mom to even be in this situation.

We have a 14 year old boy living with us. I would not trust him to be responsible. I think you should tell your daughter to find an older, more mature boyfriend if you are going to allow the sex. He is too young. Yes, it is hypocritical is two ways. One- you would not allow your daughter to do what you are allowing the boy to do. And, you are not allowing it in your home but you are allowing it somewhere else.

Well, while I wish she had come to you for council before they did anything, and I wish (thinking about it as if this were my boy) she had thought "If we really love each other, we can wait until he's 18"....that's not what happened.

I don't think you are a hypocrite. You are letting them know you don't approve while trying to protect them from the potential consequences of their actions. While I may have issues with their actions, I remember being a teen. You'd be hard-pressed to stop this now - they think they're grown.

I can't imagine what the boy's parents are thinking though. 17 is pretty much on the cusp of "you can't legally stop me". 17 is how old my Mom was when she married my Dad. But 14...I just hope this is never one of my boys. It wouldn't be OK at my house.

Good luck & god bless....

Why are you allowing them to have sex at his house? I can understand why your daughter is confused plus you are buying her 2 forms of birth control. I also find it odd that your 17 year old is having sex with a 14 year old.

Legally, she's safe. Age of consent is 19, with the younger person having to be 16 when the older is 19 in order for the sex to be considered consensual. It creeps me out that they're having sex, and I wonder where his parents are in their heads. I realize that the age difference won't matter in a few years, but I'd like to understand why your daugter is attracted this way to a kid (he's a kid NOW - the age won't matter much in 3 years, but now? It's huge).

It's not illegal yet but your daughter is months away from it being illegal. I think you and her both are really going to regret this in the future. What's going to happen when they break up and she moves on? She's going to sleep with the next guy and the next guy and so on. Men respect woman who don't give it up a heck of a lot more than the ones that do. She'll slowly lose her self-respect too. You're probably rolling your eyes thinking not my daughter but trust me, it will happen.

Hopefully you talk with her to encourage her stop having sex all together, not just not in your house.

if you are allowing her to have sex then why the question at all. it seems weird to me to ask if it is okay in your house. it is sort of like the parent that provides the alcohol to miners so they wont get arrested for trying to buy it themselves. 14 is kind of young to have sex though... dont you think??

I'm thinking you are not sure what you think so are sending mixed messages. I think you know how you feel about a 17 year old having safe sex, and you know how you feel about a 14 year old having safe sex. But I'm not convinced you know how you feel about them doing it together or it wouldn't be an 'out of sight out of mind' kind of deal. It sounds like you are letting the other parents decide because it's easier. And in my view there is nothing wrong with you at all. It's a confusing situation so try not to be too hard on yourself. Also, maybe, try to look at this situation differently...maybe it's more complex than whether you are a hypocrite or a loving mother? Maybe it's layered and too difficult to have a solid view or opinion about...which might explain the mixed messages. UNDERSTANDABLE so try not to be too hard on yourself, the other parents or your daughter and boyfriend. Life is messy, it's how we cope with it that matters most I think.

That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with you and I don't think you are a bad parent. It's a tough situation with no certain answers.

I might suggest, in terms of talking with your daughter, that it not be about what she is allowed to do or not allowed to do in terms of sex. You've already blessed her with trust and guidance. For the sake of not turning this into a power struggle (no one wins), if I were in your position, I might tell her that while you trust her and know she is living her life the way she chooses and this is part of growing up, you are uncomfortable with her having sex with her boyfriend in your home. It's about you not being comfortable, not about what she's allowed or not allowed to do with her life. You share a living space, a home, and if you were doing something that made her uncomfortable you would hope she would tell you and find the courage to set a healthy boundary by respectfully requesting some parameters that are fair to everyone. In a way, sort of like a roommate situation.

I might also tell her that while this is how you feel now and about this topic, you are still the mom and it is important that she feel safe and loved and respected. The best way you can help her feel safe, loved, and respected is by being honest with her about boundaries so she can learn to do that with others in a healthy way. You might not be right about this subject, and you might not be wrong. It doesn't matter either way. This is about what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with and you would like her to show her love for you by respecting that and not taking your feelings as a personal afront to her character.

Maybe you want her to be able to do the same thing with personal boundaries in her life, so why not use this situation as a way to model HOW to do that in a kind, thoughtful and honest manner?

I would say that if she's as open & honest with you as she seems to be, don't punish her for that. I wouldn't punish her for being honest. If you caught her, that's a different story. At this age, I wouldn't want to give her reasons to close the doors of communication. Congrats on getting a 17 yo to tell you anything! Shows your doing something right, continue to trust your own judgement.

i not going to come down hard and heavy on you, but i do believe that you should take up contact with this boys parents and talk it out. thank goodness that you are willing to take steps to make sure she doesn't get pregnant, but even with birth control, well, you know, im not saying anything new. you sound like you have a good relationship, communicate, but dont push her too hard, or make her feel bad, try and undertand what the heck is going on, i was having sex at 16, didn't get the whole grasp of sex, at 14 id be clueless, is this boy really mature or something? youre off to a good start, but please pursue it further

Updated

i not going to come down hard and heavy on you, but i do believe that you should take up contact with this boys parents and talk it out. thank goodness that you are willing to take steps to make sure she doesn't get pregnant, but even with birth control, well, you know, im not saying anything new. you sound like you have a good relationship, communicate, but dont push her too hard, or make her feel bad, try and undertand what the heck is going on, i was having sex at 16, didn't get the whole grasp of sex, at 14 id be clueless, is this boy really mature or something? youre off to a good start, but please pursue it further

Well, I applaude you for teaching her safe sex, and for having open dialogue. Not a hypocrit in my eyes, you are saying "fine I get it you are going to do it, be safe and not totally stupid about it, and DO NOT bring it to my HOME!" You recognize it will happen and are trying to create boundaries around it.

Wow, you got a beating on this one!! :P Good for you for seeking advice on something you were unsure of, good for you for having an open relationship with your daughter, and good for you for caring enough to make it through this post!

I have no advice, just hang in there!

Wow. Some people seriously need to get a grip. It's reality people. You can teach your kids your morals and goals for them until the cows come home, but if they decide to have sex, it's their decision. Parents continuing to bury their head in the sand and pretending that "my kid would NEVER have sex" is why the teenage abortion rate is so high."
OK, off my high horse. I applaud you for being realistic and open with your daughter and for making sure she has the means to be safe. And I agree with you that "my home, my rules" is the way to go. You have made it clear, no nookie under your roof with this kid, and that's it. If she breaks the rules, you punish her like you would if she broke any other rules.

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Wow. Some people seriously need to get a grip. It's reality people. You can teach your kids your morals and goals for them until the cows come home, but if they decide to have sex, it's their decision. Parents continuing to bury their head in the sand and pretending that "my kid would NEVER have sex" is why the teenage abortion rate is so high."
OK, off my high horse. I applaud you for being realistic and open with your daughter and for making sure she has the means to be safe. And I agree with you that "my home, my rules" is the way to go. You have made it clear, no nookie under your roof with this kid, and that's it. If she breaks the rules, you punish her like you would if she broke any other rules.

There maybe different laws in differnent states about the age difference. Your daughter may be pushing the age difference. It's likely not to be a problem, unless she breaks up with him and the parents get mad. Check out your states laws and how the view this and does it change when she is 18? Don't want your daughter in a bad position because of this. I have heard of boys ending up being labeled as a sexual preditor for life for age differences like this.

Yes it hypocritical to let her have sex at someone else's house and not yours. Despite that, I am right there with you. I am not perfect yet! Probably never will be :)

Sex at 14 and 17 is too young in my opinion. But, they seem determined to do what they are going to do, so supplying the condom is prevention and cure.

So no it doesn't mAke u a hypocrit... I could care less what u do with ur kids, they ur kids for a reason.... But nope. I understand, you don't want her being disrespectful in ur house... And who ever said her little brain... Seriosly, she is damn near grown, she is not confused just disrespectful and she should b on punishment

Are you comfortable with it? Clearly not, and that should be your answer. It is your home, and you are not comfortable with that happening in your house. You're going far enough out of your comfort zone with allowing everything else--explain that you have to draw the line somewhere.

Yes, she is a human being. She is your daughter. You are a GREAT mother for considering her feelings and opinions, but it is YOUR house and as a human being yourself, you are uncomfortable with that and she should respect that. Not because they're your rules, but because it makes you feel uncomfortable. They don't HAVE to have sex every time they see each other. They could talk to each other too. Their genitalia will not fall off if they miss a screw or two.

Yikes! All I can think is I never want my kids to grow up! Anyway I'm not sure why the ages shock everyone. I think it's more common then some would like to admit. The reality is a freshman to a junior or senior. I think it's because they can't imagine their own 14 year old having sex.
I guess just because they've had sex doesn't mean they should be allowed the time. In my eyes she shouldn't be allowed at his house. I would never just allow to happen, but I am well aware they'll find a way. Punishing her for having had sex at home may be hard though. You run the risk of ruining your open relationship. Maybe a discusion about it for this time, but obviously she wouldn't tell you next time. Not sure! I guess I mostly posted, because so may people tend to attack and deny what is reality out there. Heck they don't need to be in a house or bed to have sex. Educating about the consequences seems to be the only thing we can do. We can not control our children's every action. Good Luck!
I guess I should add I was the first in 4 generatuons to not become a teenage parent, because of my parents openess. They would have done the same thing you are. Obviously if my GGrandmother, Grandmother & Mother all became young parents it's been a common problem for years. I think people should talk about teenage sex more instead of denying it happens.