Have You Had a Problem with Your Mom like This?

yes-so I try to treat my daughter differently when I am at her home-I do things her way-and when she visits with the Grandchildren in my home-I still do things her way-especially where the children are concerned. My mother is wonderful, don't get me wrong-but I refuse to be like her when it comes to the treatment of my children and Grandchildren.

My Mother expected me to be a carbon copy of herself. When I couldn't be that she was always disapproving. Because my Mom could not do something, like give a speech, she always told me the I would never be able to handle it. All I ever heard was you will never be able to do that .....

Sorry your relationship is so tense. Still navigating those waters with my own mother as well. It helps me to - 1. come to terms with who she is. 2. don't demonize her for it. 3. recognize she will likely not change, and I won't be the one to change her. 4. let things roll down my back. 5. step away from those things which have proven to be touchy, like you have the dishwasher. 6. rule my own house. 7. accept that she rules hers.

8. understand that if you have asked/allowed someone to help, you've got to allow them certain latitude in getting the job done.
9. understand that an expresion of gratitude or congratulations is theirs to offer, if they choose to share, and not your right.

10. if having her around really gets you stressed out. Don't have her around. Get a mother's helper for a month or so after the baby arrived. Then take baby and the rest in tow to Mom's for a brief visit.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

hubs and I have decided that neither mother can stay at ours for any longer than 2 nights without major trouble.

So, the thing is, your Mom has probably just ALWAYS been this way, and you know that. But NOW... it is more pronounced, because you are now a Mom and have kids. So these irritations are just sticking up like a sore thumb. And it is... grating.

So what can you do?:
1) realize she and you are this way. But you know that anyway.
2) Ignore her, and let her have her way. Like you did this time at your house
3) Ignore her BUT STILL do things in your own way in your own house. Despite. And then, come up with some simple one-liners to tell her when she critiques you or makes those sound effects to show her irritation.
4) Sit her down, and in an adult manner, have a talk with her... and make it clear, in a diplomatic way, that you are your own person and this is your own family. And you are the kids Mom.
5) Just ignore her, because you know she is this way... and it is very hard... to change someone.
6) Know that, at least your Dad is more human and accepting of people's characteristics. But your Mom, is not.
Personally, I grew up with a Dad that was similar to yours and we were very close. But my Mom was cold and non-accepting and similar to your Mom. THUS... I knew, what I could or could not, expect of my Mom. But now that she is older, she is better and got more human.

Yes it is irritating.

7) As your kids grow up... (this is what I did with my kids since they were Toddlers), I TAUGHT my kids what the pecking order is and the Totem Pole of things. Meaning, we have pushy relatives... BUT so, I taught my kids that *I* and my Husband are the parents. WE have the last say in things and decide things. AND that THEY CAN speak up too, to those pushy relatives. My kids, KNOW our own rules and preferences for things. So, if a pushy relative, for example, tells my kids something or tells my kids to eat something that they know is not usually our way of doing things.... THEY TELL THAT PUSHY RELATIVE "I have to ask Mommy first...." Or they will say NO to that pushy relative. They speak up. They have NO confusion, about "who" parents them or makes decisions for them. If a pushy relative tells them that they can do something and "we don't have to tell your Mommy..." my kids do not allow it. They tell me, and they tell that pushy relative "No. I don't want to do that." So, it is about teaching the kids too, about HOW to handle, those pushy relatives. Otherwise, they may get stressed too.

8) Know what, you can or cannot expect of your Mom. She is not the kind of Mom you hope she would be. She is not. So realize that. But at the same time, it is your house and your kids.... and you do not have to "demote" yourself, just because she is around. If you continue... to "demote" yourself in your home and with your kids whenever she is around... THEN you will be creating a "habit" of that and a vicious cycle will become entrenched, and you will not have... any stature, in your own home nor with your own kids. Keep that in mind.

AND your Husband, has to be on the same page.

Do not let your Mom, put you down.
You... have to rise up and keep your Stature in your family and in front of your kids. In a dignified and self-assured manner. REMEMBER that.
Don't demote yourself.

Some Moms unfortunately, never "accept" their own offspring and just critique. Its wrong. But so rise above it and don't expect your Mom to be all warm and fuzzy and ideal. She is not.
But BE the Mom in the house and keep your place in your family and with your kids. Don't let your Mom.. usurp you.
My Mom, does that to a sibling of mine. And then she wonders WHY that sibling is so resentful. Duh.
But oh well, not all Moms have warm wonderful relationships with their daughter.

You are not your Mom. She is not you.
Don't try... to be what she wants. Be yourself.
You sound like a more warm and fuzzy Mom, than your Mom is.
Good for you.
Don't think you are letting your Mom down.
You are not a child anymore.
Be proud of yourself.
Do not let your Mom sabotage you.

It's not really a small issue. She is being disrespectful. It is YOUR home, not hers. It doesn't matter how differently you do things, it's NOT HER HOUSE so she needs to get over herself. And just because someone is "older" and a parent, doesn't mean they have a right to not treat their "children" with respect.

I don't know if you are up to it, but you may need to have an adult talk with her. Let her know how much you love her, but that being disrespected in your home is very hurtful to you. If she wants to visit, she needs to LET GO of her need to control how things are done.

I don't have much of a relationship with my mother. She is a selfish, narcissistic person who doesn't see how hurtful she is. She is not interested in my life unless it benefits her in some way. I tried for YEARS to make the relationship I thought I "should" have with her, but when it's one-sided, it doesn't work. So I stopped. My older sister and my MIL are my "moms" now and I've gotten over 99.5% of the hurt of giving up - I think there will always be that .5% but I'm ok with that.

She knows how to push your buttons and seems to be a bit of a control freak. I always feel that if you are there to help then you should ask how the house owner wants it done, since you are on their turf. However, you also seem to take things much more personally than I do, probably the pregnancy hormones. As people get older they seem to get more set in their ways and my mom actually and truly believed that her way was the "right" way, as if there were laws and rules about how to fold sheets or how to iron a shirt. My mom seemed unenthusiastic at my wedding and then we found out a few weeks later she had colon cancer (she lived another 25 years, so she was able to "push my buttons" many more times!). Could be that something is up with mom totally unrelated to your situation, or perhaps she feels another child is a mistake and wants to passive-aggressively let you know!

I can see how you would feel that way. She is your mom after all. I think you should just try to talk to her. In different generations, they did things differently too. Things have changed so much, so maybe there are things she dosnt like or agree with. Maybe she is concerned about all you have on your plate and thats why she responded that way to your new baby coming? She didnt articulate that well tho. Just try to open up a conversation I would say. I lost both my parents at 16, so I would give anything to be able to have any kind of "talk" with my mom. :) I hope you feel better and good luck to you with your new little one

It's common for the two generations to have this sort of experience. My daughter and I had some of this. She thought I was trying to take over and I thought I was being helpful. Counseling helped us. My counseling that is. As I learned how to respond differently to her criticisms she became less critical.

Instead of focusing, in my thoughts, on what she was doing I focused on how she might be feeling. I worked really hard to see things from her view point. I began not responding when she pursed her lips or made comments out loud. Once I was able to not become upset myself, I would respond with something that indicated I was on her side. Something like, "guess I was wanting to do this my way. Your way is OK too" and then back off. Eventually I learned to follow her lead when doing things. I hung back a bit or left the room when she began to do something that made me anxious. Now, I don't try to teach her, which was part of the problem before. I've also learned to wait for her request for help before I try to help her. We get along really well now. This did take years.

I suggest that both you and your mom are anxious to do the best job possible. Your mom wants to help but isn't able to stand back and do things your way. Her way has worked for her all these years. Perhaps she is still in a teaching mode as a mother. She doesn't understand that your way is just as good. She sounds somewhat rigid in the way she thinks.

You cannot change her. You can change the way you react to her. What is happening with both of you is based on years of experience. Your reactions are not only to what is happening now but also to what has happened in the past.

I suggest that you get some counseling to deal with the past that created the present and then to learn now ways of dealing with your Mom.

There is an old saying about two women in the kitchen not getting along. That is also a part of what is going on between your mom and you. You both want to be in charge of the kitchen. Very normal. Your mom wants to be the main mom. She would be able to be this in her own home but because of distance she's missing out on that role. You're, naturally, needing to prove that you're the main mom. After all it is your home; not hers. I suggest it would help if you could step back and let her be more in charge. The situation is temporary. You'll get to be back in charge when she leaves. You don't have to prove anything to her.

Sounds like she's trying to prove that she's capable and you're trying to prove that you're capable. I suggest that giving her a little more praise as well as finding a way to allow her to do things the way she wants will make for a much more pleasant visit.

My Mother points out how differently her and I and my sister and I are ALL the time.

Sometimes it stings and hurts my feelings but it IS true...(VERY VERY TRUE) so what can you do, right?

Try to let it go. We can not see eye-to-eye with everyone...even our own Mothers...and that has to be OK.

Have you sat down and said, "You're my mom and I want to have a good time when we see each other and it seems that our little differences in how we do things are getting in the way of that. How about at your house I take your direction and at my house you take mine and we don't judge each other on where the sugar goes because that's not important?"

My MIL loads her DW just so. We all know this and all she asks is that we rinse/scrape our plates and put the dishes by the sink. She does them her way, everyone is happy. If in your home you keep the baby washcloths hanging from the ceiling what does it really matter other than they are somewhere you know where they are? I would let them be grands, but not overrule you in your home. You're an adult and 55 or 65 or 95, she doesn't need to be all angsty about where you keep the sugar.

So if it's not really the sugar, what is it? And are you possibly more like your dad or another relative than she'll ever admit and thus it bursts her bubble about what she might have expected in a daughter?

It may be all the things mentioned here. Marda's answer sounds reasonable.

Still, I have a different take because I have lived a nightmare. You can just count it as my own issues or take a closer look at what I am saying. I am mentioning this because I see bits of my mil in this behavior.

My mil and FIL were a lot like Everybody Loves Raymond parents when I first got married. You know how Marie is always thinking she is better than Debra but in a very passive/aggressive way? I could tell she had self esteem issues but we lived 600 miles away and I could put up with it. As she aged and had many back problems with accompanying Rx she steadily grew worse. She now only saw her other DIL on one holiday a year because she was so mean to her. Her only daughter saw the terrible way she treated FIL and could never please her.
She grew more Narsasistic every time I saw her. My FIL died suddenly. She went crazy with a capital C. We learned it was borderline personality disorder. Look up the 9 symptoms on BPDFamily.com, decide for yourself.
Like I said, this may be nothing even close but I am determined not to let anyone go through that without a clue.

It sound like your mom has gotten old, crotchety, and very negative. Most people don't get that bent over placement of a meaningless household item.

Have you been honest with and talked to her? Told her that you know she has a certain way she does things in HER house, but you'd appreciate if she helped keep the flow you have going in YOUR house when she's there? Maybe some ground rules/agreements need to be set before visits happen. Your house, your way, and her house, her way seems like a good one. I think if she can't agree to this, then maybe the visits need to stop for a while.

I totally get it! My mom and I have - now that i am an adult- an extremely strained relationship over these little power struggles. I don't buy into it and it is like she needles and keeps trying to find ways to push my buttons. She wants to be "mom" even though I don't need her to be. (I say as an adult because as a teen/young adult she tried to manipulate me with money, support and other things I was absolutely dependent on her for because she was my only family - now I have a wonderful hubby, kids, in-laws, etc).
I think it is good that you recognized it could have been a host of other things that made her react this way. You should just flat out tell her you want her to have fun and that your house should be a vacation and what does that look like to her, etc.
I did do this with my mom on a few occasions and what it did was give me a common ground to work from - Hey you said you wanted X while you are here, so stop doing Y. Etc.
Hope this made sense. . . I am still working it out on my end, but I hear you. and good luck!

Well, I don't have those issues w/ my mom, but believe me, we do have other issues! It sounds a little bit like she was patronizing you a bit after she found out you were pregnant. Like "Ohhhhh, so THAT's why you're acting like ______, you're pregnant!"

I don't understand why she wouldn't congratulate you or act happy to learn that she'll have a new grandchild coming soon. Could it be that she thinks you can't handle another? That would be the only thing that I would wonder or surmise.

But yes, our family also has their 'seemingly small issues' that make me feel crappy, too. In fact, I just wrote about one on here a little while ago. :)

In regards to doing things differently in our own homes, of course we ALL do! I don't live like my parents and most definitely my parents don't live like me.

It sounds to me like your Mom is a control freak and probably a little jealous. She is no longer the center of her children's universe because they now have children of their own. She prefers to be the Mom than the grandmother and thinks her way is the right way and the best way.

I say this because my Mom is exactly the same and I hate to burst your bubble but it only gets worse. At 80 years old my Mom is so over the top with her commands and demands and she doesn't even know how to ask nicely. She has 4 daughters and none of us can do anything right. She has come right out and told us that she loves us but she doesn't like us. Growing up she was loving and in control but now she loves us, doesn't like us and is totally out of control. We try to help her and she doesn't like us to touch anything because it has to be her way or the highway.

I will tell you that this is not unusual in Mother/Daughter relationships. Two of my sisters no longer talk to her. Me and my older sister give each other emotional and moral support and just try to have patience. She sacrificed so much for us as a single Mom and we know she is used to being in control. She will say the meanest & cruelest things to my older sister and she takes it but I will tell her flat out that she is being disrespectful and mean.

My advice, is that you do not want to wait until this gets worse and you no longer want her around. Nip it in the bud. Sit down and tell her how you feel and when she does or says something that hurts you or you don't understand speak with her then and there ask her why she feels that way.

When you overheard her say that she'd like to shoot herself I would have walked in there visibly hurt and said, "Mom, I love you and I am so sorry you feel that way. I cannot imagine what I could have done to make you want to shoot yourself. I know I don't do things exactly like you and I realize I might be a bit under the weather with this pregnancy but please try to be patient with me. I need my Mom, I need your support and understanding and I enjoy spending time with you."

I hope things get better for you. My Mom is difficult but under all of her disappointment I know she is my biggest fan.

I'm afraid I do - and my parents live literally next door. My mom thinks I'm a crappy housekeeper and tells me so. She won't even come over, though she's always asking me if I need help, as if I'd ever accept it. It's really hard sometimes to just accept we're different. If she ever "starts", I just ignore her and walk away. I know my mom loves me and is here for me no matter what, but the simple fact is we clash, we're different. I wish I could offer you advice, but I can offer you sympathy. I can't change my mom, but I can do my very best to have a better relationship with my daughter! That's where I put my energy.