MIL Visit + Twin Delivery = Nightmare

I have a crazy mil too~!! You do what is right for YOU!!!! He will get over it and she will just have to deal with it.

I feel your pain (and we'll leave it at that lol) but this is how I might handle the situation.

I would have hubby explain to MIL that he will be at the hospital with you and he won't be leaving except to bring your mom and the baby to see the new granbaby/siblings so she can come but she won't see much of you guys or the new babies so it might be better if she comes once you are home and settled. And hubby, not you, needs to deliver that news.

If she insists on coming she will find her own way from the airport. Under no circumstances should your hubby leave. The hospital and/or those babies won't wait for dad to get back. That's a fact. If her flight doesn't get in until 11:15 (and that's if it's on time!) They won't get out of there for at least an hour after going down to baggage, waiting on the bags, and getting back to the car and going again. No Way!

Then as to your hubby shuttling people back and forth-uummm, no. Too much stress to an already big week. Everyone is a grown up-if they want/need to get there they can find their own way. That's why God invented GPS, mapquest, rental cars and cell phones! :)

And trust me you don't want alot of company during those first few days anyway-you are trying to heal, trying to breastfeed babies, change babies, rest, eat, get checked out by the nurses, docs, etc. Best if everyone just waits till you guys are home and settled. It is exhausting to try to play hostess after surgery. And you need rest!

Congrats to you on the new babies!

Ughh! Nightmare is right!

I never understood why some people couldn't just wait and visit at a more appropriate time? I mean really? It seems like more and more people (read that MIL's) think they should be able/allowed to be there the day of and expect some things to revolve around them.....ick! My MIL needed to be in the room directly after my babies were born, and it sucked! They all just sat in there and stared at me and the baby and it was not comfortable for me at all...luckily for me I had my sister there to be my "mouth" and tell everyone "ok, we've seen enough, lets let the new family have some time alone" and out they went...with my 2nd, my sister had to work the next day and wasn't there...but both my MIL and my FIL were there... ALL day...making it terribly uncomfortable and not at all the relaxing part of after birth.....because we all know that once the baby comes home, it is sooo hard! I can't imagine having twins and my mom and my MIL at the same time? I feel you woman!

Talk with your hubby and get him to be your "mouth"....and in no way should he leave the hospital and pick her up at the airport...selfish much???

Try this on and see how it feels:

"MIL, I hear that you expect to arrive about the same time I'll be having a C-section. I've thought this through from every angle, and that will not work for us. We'd like you to be here if you can plan your trip, your transportation, and your lodging in a way that won't complicate what will be a difficult day. My husb. wants to be with me during the births and for some time afterward. Let us know what you work out."

I've found you can simply state your needs and expectations clearly, and let the other party deal with her own surprise or disapproval. This is your day, and your children's, and your needs are legitimate. Say so, and don't waffle.

Here's your perfect opportunity to start some new family traditions. Go for it!

Why are all these people coming to the hospital? Besides the MIL and mom? Honestly, I'd cut back on the extra people.
You will need to tell your husband that he cannot go pick up mom from the airport. Surely, there is someone else who can do this. Or you can offer to pay for her cab.
I feel your pain on the travel for holidays. I refused to do it for the first time last year and it was great. We had a wonderful holiday.

You're definitely in a difficult situation! I, too, have twins, and the one thing I wanted more than anything was my husband. He needs to be there with you, too, since caring for two babies at the same time is very different than a singleton. It would be hard to not let her come, since these are her grandchildren, too. But, I would have your husband tell her up front that his priority is you and the babies. If she has to take a cab, so be it. He shouldn't have to leave the hospital to go get her.

OH boy. I've had twins twice, but only once was it a c-section. That is a whole other world.

You will need your husband but you will also need your mother. I needed both, but not at the same time. I can count on my mother to take care of me when I am in the hospital. She's a mom and just knows what to do. I also needed my husband there because they were his babies and it was bonding time. He also was my advocate when the bossy nurses would come in. Maybe your husband and mom could alternate shifts at the hosptial and with your younger son.

Is it possible to have your MIL wait a week or two? Newborn twins really aren't all that fun to others anyway. They constantly are crying, being changed, nursing and sleeping. If she can't wait to come, you could always ask them for another dose of morphine when she shows up at the hospital. =) Okay, just kidding!

This is not a normal delivery. It's very emotional and tiring. Having two babies is a lot different than one. Of course I've never had just one, so I'm imagining on how easy it would be.

You could have your husband talk to her and ask how she whould feel to postpone since it's going to be really hard for her to get any bonding time in with the babies. It wil better for her to be able to spend uninterrupted time with you all, when you get home and settled. Make sure you send her tons of pictures and call her about the birth, if she decides to stay home.

I'm usually one to sticks up for MIL's, But, I have a wonderful one. In this case, I've been in your shoes as far as two babies and c-sections go.

As far as Christmas goes, we told everyone we were staying home last year. And we did. =) It was wonderful. They were mad, but we didn't care.

Congratulations on your babies.

If I was you I would call and ask her to wait until the 6 week point when your mom leaves. Tell her you appreciate the help and would rather have her when your mom is gone so you can have extra help a little longer. Or let her come while your in the hospital and get it over with lol. then she can leave right after you get home.

It's gona be ok....the added stress is not good for you and the babies! You make your plans as if she wasn't coming at all. Let your husband deal with his mother. Yes you are gona need your husband and the hospital, and he will need to let his mother know the plans and that she will need to work around "your schedule", and thats that. Let her decide if she really wants to sit around.

Maybe suggest a better time...like summer at the pool since you'll need extra eyes and hands for sure while by the water.

My MIL likes to think that we have to always do or go along with what they want...but recently we (husband) put our foot down and are now saying "this is the plan". After all we are the ones with the kids!

Good luck and Congrats!
Jenn

I also have a MIL who is bossy and rude:) I agree with your husband that he should be at the hospital most of the time.Your mom can spend time with you and the twins when your hubby goes back to work.He should spend some time with your other child though as well.If anything let him sleep at home at night and have your mom there with you. He will need the extra sleep before you bring the babies home.Also, your other child may be more comfortable that way.
As for your MIL , under no circumstances should the hubby go and pick her up. He must be with you during the c-section and be with the babies when they arrive. End of story. He must be polite but firm with her .Your family comes first. With twins coming, you will not have the time or desire to travel at Christmas. By the way , I am a mother of boy/girl twins. They are 4 now . Yea! It is alot of work getting to this age. If your MIL can't understand that it is easier and cheaper for her to visit you then she is truly selfish . Good luck to you !

This is hubby's mother so it's hubby's job to tell his mom that it's not an appropriate time to come. The end. Your husband shouldn't need to back you on this - you should be backing him.

How come your preferences are not part of the plan?
Everyone seems to be making their own plans... NOT asking you.
It should be YOUR plan... and birth plan.
NOT MIL's, nor anyone else's.
They should be asking you, first, what you want.
And, your Hubby should be going by your wishes... if he wants to be there with you at the hospital though, you need to compromise.

I had a c-section with each of my kids. My husband, stayed with me before the operation, during he was in the operating room with me, and after for recovery. After that, he went home to be with my daughter. I did not expect him to be with me all the time at the hospital. I wanted him to be with my daughter. But they both visited my in the hospital too. Together. I was in the hospital for 3 days total. My Mom meanwhile, was additional help with my daughter at home, and transportation for us etc.

Ultimately, your Doctor can, under your instructions, NOT allow any "visitors" in the hospital room, until YOU decide. No one except your Husband. That is what I did... and what I told my Family.
AND.. I even typed out "instructions" for what each one could do or not... and that I did NOT want "visitors" besides my Husband/daughter, until I was ready and called them. And instructions for my Hubby detailing my daughter's "routines" so that he could keep things as constant for her as possible, while I was away at the hospital.
This worked out for me. And it left no confusion for what my family wanted to do.. because they knew then, it was MY plans. And my Hubby's.

All the best,
Susan

Oh, I feel for you!

Here is what I would do in your situation. Compromise on letting her come. It is just 4 days and you won't be home yet anyway. She will realize when she gets there that it was a dumb idea to visit at that time, but you won't be the bad guy. You won't have to deal with her very much that way.

Have your doctors and nurses be your backup for visits in the hospital from family. They can tell people that visiting hours are over, and you will only have to deal with as much visitation as YOU want to deal with.

Hubby should by no means leave during your c-section. That is ridiculous. Phoenix traffic is completely unpredictable and no way will he be able to check you in, go get her, take her home (or was she planning on camping out in the waiting room?) and make it back by the time your surgery starts. Not possible. And he needs to be there in case someone has to make some medical decisions you can't or need help with. No compromising on that one. She can either get a cab, rent a car, or maybe your mom could help with this part if she is already there. But hubby can't be leaving your side until later in the day.

Hubby could easily do SOME shuttling about of people after the babies are born and you are settled, but not multiple trips every day. After all, you will want to see your older child. You can leave times open for that, so that he isn't leaving at X o'clock, but instead he says he will come when you are napping and give them a half hour/hour heads up when he is heading home. You might have to deal with some stuff by yourself, but there is always a nurse hovering around who can help if you need it. And this can be changed to NO shuttle if the surgery is difficult and you can't be alone. Someone (your mom or his) who is coming to help and visit needs to have a car, rented or otherwise. Otherwise they are no help.

I like the idea of your mom and hubby switching off. It is a good idea to have him spend some time at home with your daughter, and I agree nighttime might be a good time for that, for everyone's sake. Or switch off nights. Another reason someone needs a car- he can't go home, get your mom, bring her back to you, then go back home every time he needs to go home. That is just silly. It means a lot more time away from the hospital for him, without the benefit of him resting or seeing your older child.

If MIL is still there once you are discharged, enlist her help for a couple days, you will appreciate the little bit of extra sleep. My mom is great at being my back up in situations like this, and has no problem being the rude mom when her kids are concerned. My sister had to deal with a pushy MIL at her delivery, and my mom just stepped up and told her how it was going to be. Maybe yours could do the same? Tell MIL to do some dishes or play with the toddler.

As for Christmas, I would just put my foot down. But not right now. Save that battle for later. You don't need to worry about it right now, and you can approach it when you aren't having to stand up for yourself about all this stuff. You are completely right to not want to travel this first year. Have her come see you for a change. It might be nice to start some of your own family holiday traditions now.

Hope some of that helps. Good luck and congrats on those babies!

You don't mention how long from now your c-section is scheduled -- sounds like maybe the end of April? -- but there is also the very real possibility that your twins will be born before that date. For my twins, I had a c-section scheduled for one day (about two weeks before my actual due date), but the doctor decided to deliver them a couple weeks before that scheduled date because of the babies' growth relative to each other, my health, etc. Just something to keep in mind. Twins are rarely born on schedule.

Anyway, if I were in your position, I would probably just give in and let her come. Perhaps ask your husband to ask her to rent a car, so she can take your toddler to day care -- or not, if that will turn into a Big Deal. As much as possible I'd just let her do her thing and try not to let it not bother me. You will be busy healing and taking care of the babies in the hospital and probably won't see her that much (and your mother can also act as a shield if needs be).

Good luck, and take care of yourself during these weeks before the babies come,
A.

Here's some advice that I wish someone had given me a long time ago regarding mother-in-laws:

Let your husband handle her.

Seriously, hubby needs to step up and tell dear old MIL that the timing just isn't going to work and she needs to reschedule for a few weeks (or months) after the babies are born.

If the tickets are non-refundable and/or cannot be changed, you're slightly screwed. But there's still time for hubby to run interference for you.

So bring your man to the computer right now and have him read the following:

Listen friend, I'm sure you're a fantastic, supportive husband and all around great guy. But your wife (who should be the center of your world) is carrying around two of YOUR babies right now and is about to undergo a major operation. You absolutely MUST step up immediately and take the stress of dealing with your mother off of her already burdened shoulders. I know you love your mom very much, but you must realize that your family should come first...as in you, S., and the kids. That's it.

Forcing S. to tell your mom to back off (or worse, making her put up with it to "keep the peace") will only build resentment and tension between the two of them, so you absolutely need to be the one to do it. YOU need to be the one to tell your mom to reschedule the visit. Or at the very least, YOU can lay down the law for her about "shuttling" her around, since you will be otherwise occupied.

In my (vast) experience, issues that arise between MIL's and DIL's are usually because it's the DIL that is forced to set rules, boundaries, or otherwise deal with pushy/demanding/selfish MIL's. But that is not your wife's burden to bear, and it never should have been. She's your mom, so make the commitment now to start dealing with her yourself. Trust me, you're not going to ruin your relationship with her. You'll find that mothers are much more forgiving of their sons than the woman that stole them away.

So do it in a loving, respectful, firm way...but DO IT!!! For yourself, your children, and for all of the married women in the world.

I promise, your wife will adore the extra chest hair you'll sprout after doing something so manly. ;-)

Best of luck to you both!

-S.

Seriously, your husband is supposed to be shuttling people around when you are delivering twins and you already have a preschooler who needs to be cared for? The needs of you and your family come first- not the needs of either of your moms.
Have you considered what would occur if things were not apple pie easy? Actually, that is a non-question b/c I know you have thought about it a lot. But what if he really needs to be at the hospital with you and the babies.

How about your MIL comes for a visit after your mom has left. That way she can have special time with the new ones and special time with your older child. YOUR mother should be there to help because YOU are the one delivering. That is a standard and time honored tradition. If she squawks that she will have to pay a change fee for the flight- offer to pay it for her. I promise that $100 will be worth your peace of mind.
Good luck!

Show your husband your post! I hope he will begin to set limits.

I wouldnt let my hubby leave to go get anyone while I was delivering our children. That is something he should be there for and a right my husband would not give up no matter what. Is your hubby ok with missing the birth to get his mother? As far as the shuttleing I agree with the others set up a schedule and make the mothers live with it. Is your mom getting a car, if so that would help alot.
As far as christmas we did the whole visit everyone the 1st year we had our daughter, We left at 6 am and did not get home till 11pm after that year I said never again. We have the children now who want to play with their toys and show them to their friends not go from one house to the next. Now if the families want to see us they can come to our house, I make dinner and all that they dont need to bring anything unless they want to. It works out great for us and the families understand at one point they had small children and understand the stress of traveling. Hope this helps.

I think we have the same mother-in-law! Tell her NO! This is your family, your health, and your schedule she is interfering with so you have every right to say NO! No one in their right mind needs an explanation on why this visit is a bad idea.

First off, I really hope your husband steps in and tells her to take a cab. hello, he won't be back for the delivery in time and does she actually think that the hospital and the doctors are going to wait for her? Who does she think she is? Queen B???
Secondly, why would she want to be around for four days when three of those days you're going to be in the hospital? I would suggest for her to come a week after the surgery, unless it's great news to you that she won't be in your hair 24/7 because you'll be at the hospital most of the time. And if you don't want your husband to shuttle people around, what i did with my first son. I told the nurses after being so overhwelmed with visitors that i didn't want to be bothered any more. So they sent a message down to the security office and who ever wanted to come again was not allowed in. so get the nurses involved, ask them to help you with that. That's really the only thing you can do. And if your mom is going to be here, then have hubby stay home with the MIL and your oldest, it will be better for him. Who knows, maybe she will drive him insane and he'll know what you've meant all this time. And about paying for her plane ticket to come see her oldest grandchild, she doesn't have major expenses i'm sure. you have kids to take care of, a house to pay for and if you're a stay at home mom, only one income coming in.

Tell her to butt out.... this is your time, your special time.

BTW congrats and good luck!!!

I had twins via C section 6 months ago. I found the nurses much more helpful than two years ago when I had one baby vaginally. I found that many people wanted to help...and that I needed much more help. Your husband should be with you at the hospital (assuming that you two want that). Then let your and his mom know that you really appreciate their support and that you will gladly help them be aware of what you need.
With regards to the airport, gently let your MIL know that if she can not afford $25 you will pay it, but hubby is not available as he made his reservation to be with you 9 months ago. ;)
Most insurances allow 4 days for a c-section recovery. Take all they will give you!!! If your MIL visits you at the hospital, then make sure she gets her turns to hold babies etc, that will go a long way.

For me it was lonely at the hospital, my husband did not delegate and my mother was bored watching him do every thing. Once I learned that, I had her at the hospital much more. Figure out where it will work best for you and simply let people know that this is the way you are asking to be supported (I know easy to say...).

As far as trip goes at Christmas time (assuming this is truthful) tell her that you are initially planning to do the same as you have done in years past, but you will need to re-evaluate after you get your feet under you. Also you might consider making a tradition of every-other year, depending on what your family is looking for in Christmas traditions.

Good luck! My babies are almost 7 months old, it has been fun and great, but also hard and tiring. Accept help along the way, it makes it tons easier. I still have a few girlfriends who come over once a week for two hours to "hold the babies" and occasionally fold some clothes, etc. They are terrific, but I had to get over myself and allow them to help us. Twins are so fun!!

Your MIL sounds a lot like mine, so I know what you're going through. First please sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart talk about the way she makes you feel. He needs to fully understand that. My hubby is laid back also, and it took me telling him with examples thrown in, how his mother offends me all the time! My hubby also needed to be reminded that once he got married, mommy didn't come first anymore. He has finally "got" it, and things are better, not perfect, but better.

Second, as far as the hospital - if she can't pay for cab fare, then don't come. That day is too important to you and your husband for him to be shuttling her around. She is making him put her first again, and I wouldn't stand for it! If you don't want her in your room at the hospital, tell your doctor and nurses that you don't want her in there. That's what I had to do when I had my 2nd child, and she informed everyone (but me) that "come hell or high water" she would be in the delivery room! Worked like a charm, and I wasn't the bad guy, the hospital was. :)

As for feeling more comfortable with your mom helping you, that is absolutely normal, and you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about it all. Who wants their MIL around when they don't provide the support you need? It's a waste of everyone's time, and with twins, each second of help is priceless.

As far as Christmas/traveling, I would discuss with your husband that you are willing to travel, but just not every year. Propose to him an every other year trip, that way you see your parents one year, he sees his the next. As your family grows, it becomes impossible to keep the same travel plans you've always had. Kids need to start building their own traditions at home over the holidays - ones they can remember when they're older. Can't do that when you're sitting in an airport for the holidays!

Oh my heart goes out to you, and I hope all this stress doesn't drive you crazy! Remember you have a right to feel the way you do, and the old MIL needs to get over herself!

:)P.

Hello! I apologize if I'm repeating advice given by others, but I don't have time to read all your responses. :)
My suggestion would be to give your MIL a few options of what would be acceptable to you (in a nice way) and let her choose from the options that you're ok with. I have a very long history of trying to accomodate an over bearing mother in law and I've found that this works the best for my husband and I. So, for example, you could say... "We really appreciate how much you want to come and help during this time. Since everything is going to be so crazy, we're trying to organize the first couple of months that the twins will be here. The most helpful options at this point would be....
1. You can come when you're originally planning and rent a car. That would leave hubby available to be with me after the C Section in the event of any complications. It would also open up a lot of options for childcare with the oldest.
2. You can postpone your trip until after my mother is gone and we can spend more time with you and have a much more flexible situation for getting around.

Sometimes phrasing things according to what you NEED and leaving options makes it appear like you're not just demanding and unreasonable, but offering some options. Good luck. I hope things go wonderfully for you. and congrats on the upcoming birth of your twins!! I'm 36 weeks with my third little boy... Three kids is going to be a handful and I don't even have twins coming! :)

My advice to you is to stop worrying so much about other people and worry more about yourself and your unborn babies. If you're going to be at the hospital the entire time your MIL will be here, what do you care what she's doing? Your husband sounds like he's got everything under control, so why don't you just let him run the show. It's his mom, so let him deal with her.

1. hire a driver to $25 to pick you MIL up from th airport at whatever time she wante (give her the phonew # and tell her it is prepaid) Money is spent- she can't argue
2. let her know that while you are in the hospital her son is not shuttling anyone anywhere (she can work something out with that driver, use your car or taxi) do give her a mapquest from your house to the hospital. She can visit the newborns then when the 3 year old is at school. As she is not coming as this time to help (as you have your mom and husband at this point) she is coming just to kvell. I do agree with the others do ask her if she would rather come to "help" then a better time would be in 6 weeks as your mom leaves she can take over.
3. let her know that her son will be with you at the hospital or sleeping or catering to the 3 year old and all that is time/energy consuming that he would appreciate her visit/help after his MIL leaves.

In the jewish religion we do a baby naming about a week after the birth so the MILs wait a few days to come visit so they don't miss out on the "fun" "proud" part of it. If you have something like that (christening or something) pick a date for it and hope she changes her plans to come then instead.

sounds to me like you are going to need lots of sleep and eliminate stress.
Also just because you scheduled the c-section then does not mean that that is when it will be, nature and other circumstances may come into play.

As for christmas travels, invite your MIL to your home for the next few years since she sounds young and healthy enough to travel. Phoenix weather is nice that time of year offer to visit her when it is 120 degrees outside and you will want to get the kids out of the heat and can stay for an extended period of time.

As i said before, talk with your husband, write her a letter (looking forward to her future visits to be a part of the family), send her the voucher (for future airport pickup) and a mapquest if she still feels like she chooses to come when you/the babies are at the hospital. Then let her decide.
You have little control over her but she should know your wishes and how she could please you if she desires.
Good luck, MILs are not easy and husbands just do whatever their moms ask of them.

ok 31 responses what's one more. 1st your hubby is blind to his mother's behavior so don't stress yourself about this as you can't change it. However, your mom gave birth to you and it is only natural that you would feel more comfortable for her to help you and she sounds like an awesome mom. You need to just say that to hubby. Mom always backs me and is helping us for 6 straight weeks therefore she will be our primary person to help with the kids. Your MIL is only there for 4 days , the same 4 days you will be in the hospital. Tell hubby to call his mom and say two things. 1) thanks for coming in but if you can't spend the $25 on a cab, one of our friends will pick you up I am needed at the hospital. 2) since you are here while we will be in the hospital are you planning to watch our older child or are you planning on staying at the hospital for days?(if she is going to watch your older child tell hubby you are NOT paying her this is her time with her grandchild and that should be payment enough!!) Get her to verbally state her intentions. Tell hubby he is not leaving your side nor is your mother. And if he can't see the difference between the two moms intentions he is a lost cause. As far as everything else you do for your MIL, traveling for Christmas and paying for her to visit you, I'm all for the every other year scenario. You guys should start your own Christmas traditions and since you said finances are a little tight hubby should see that the travelling will be too much of a cost. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work and very self centered. You are not going to be able to change that. Try if you can to see the bright side whether she is at the hosp or in your home it is ONLY 4 days and she is gone. Good luck on your delivery day and concentrate on bringing two beautiful babies into the world. Congrats!!!

Imagine how you would feel if your husband didn't want YOUR mother around, but wanted his. Now you need to take into consideration how your husband feels. She IS his mother and he loves her, just like you love your mother. I think you need to just bite your tongue...4 days isn't very long AT ALL, especially when your mother will be visiting for 6 WEEKS. Just curious, how will having her around for 4 days complicate things, but having your mother around for 6 weeks doesn't complicate? Sounds a little one sided to me! Also, keep in mind you are going to be in the hospital the whole time she's visiting, so you don't have to entertain her at home. Also, this is an exciting time for them...not everyone has twins, so I understand her wanting to see the babies, I would too!

I agree that your husband should be the main one to be with you at the hospital, especially if he is wanting to be. I had my hubby in the delivery room with me when I had our twins (no c-section, but still prepped for one) and my mom was waiting in the waiting room).Maybe he and your mom can take shifts? I would tell the MIL that you need to have your husband with you during this time and that he cannot come to pick her up, tell her it would be more convenient if she waited a few weeks so that you have had time to heal and get settled. If you have a hard time telling her, perhaps your hubby should be the one to tell her. You and the babies should come first. Tell her you may not be able to make it for the holidays this year since the kids are all so little. I know that probably sounds easier said than done, I've butted heads with my MIL too. But like I said, at this stage you and babies come first. Best wishes too you and your family, keep us posted on what happens ;)
Alison
Wife to a wonderful hubby and Mom to five great kiddos

I feel deeply for you!

To take the complexity out of a complex situation I would ask myself, "In a perfect world, how do I want this to unfold? What would be most helpful and supportive during the birth(s) and my recovery time?" Project yourself into the moment. How do you really want it to look? If there is a role for your MIL, communicate what that is to your husband and let him tell her what the plan is and where she fits in. If she is not okay with that, then he needs to tell her (from his heart) that she will need to wait to coordinate a better time to visit after you are all settled. Sounds like she needs to grow up.

I'm sure when/if it is her turn to be in the hospital and you come to visit, you would be there to help with her needs, NOT make selfish demands and undermine her support system. Egad! It is clear you and your husband will have to be the adults in this situation. Putting your needs and those of your children first is your greatest responsibility at this time and the most loving thing to do. As a mother, she should know and respect that fact. If she needs to be coddled and taken care of, perhaps she needs to postpone her visit until you all have the ability to cater to her. If she is willing and able to be helpful, self-sufficient and supportive, maybe you can welcome her to be with you in some capacity during the birth/recovery period.

Take heart and know that you are by no means a witch! These decisions are for you and your husband to make, not for her or anyone else. If she cannot understand that, I feel very sorry for her.

Hope it all works out beautifully, and congratulations on this exciting time!

Husband needs to step up and clearly communicate all of the upcoming activities with your MIL. C-Sections will clearly leave you in the hospital for days. Having a toddler going to and from Daycare is going to be hard enough on your husband, let alone trying to entertain his mother and be a taxi for her isn't reasonable. See if your hubby can talk to his mother in coming later or ask her to get a car for while she is here to help out with this transition. You have your hands full. You do not need to cater to her. It should be the other way around. Best of luck. I feel for you. MIL's can always be challenging to deal with when you don't see eye to eye.

You've got enough answers about dealing with your mother-in-law, but one thing that caught my eye was the toddler staying with you at the hospital. Are you sure this is an option? I'm going to deliver in 2 weeks at Mercy Gilbert and as of right now, they aren't allowing any children inside the labor and delivery or recovery rooms... my daughter will only be able to see the baby through the nursery window. They have just recently even started letting kids in the hospital at all... they had a ban because of swine flu and RSV. So I would suggest you check with wherever you're delivering about the policies on children being in the hospital. Plus, I can't even imagine having my toddler in the room all the time with me after giving birth to twins-- if you have TWO mothers in town, they need to take the kid for you and give you some time.

It will all work out. But, your hubby does need to be with you at the hospital and not picking people up at the airport. If the flight comes in around 11:15, luggage won't get to the carousel until 11:30 at least, so that would cut it way too close, especially if he plans on being there for the delivery. She will need to take some kind of cab or shuttle. Maybe give her several phone numbers of companies or suggest renting a car since your hubby will be busy at the hospital and it would give her more freedom.
If you choose not to travel over the holidays, then tell her that your plans will be different this year. She will have to deal with it. After all, your money will be going towards new babies and lots of diapers. If you want to invite her into town, then you can do that. If you choose to send her or the rest of the family gifts, then let them know in advance what your plans are so things can get send ahead of time. It's ok to make your own family traditions without the rest of the family always being involved.

You MIL doesn't need to be there. If your hubby doesn't think it's fair, tell him the next time he gives birth she can be there to hold his hand.

You are the one giving birth and you need the least amount of stress. I hope everything goes smoothly and that people are sensitive to your wishes!

It sounds like a long history of a difficult relationship between you and her.

No matter who is at fault, or what the issues are - you need to focus your physical and emotional energy on your children, including the ones about to be born. You don't have the luxury of catering to people or mending fences right now. Hopefully your husband "gets" that.

Having sons myself (and no daughters) I'm truly praying that their future wives never feel this way about me. Then again I will go out of my way to NEVER be a pain in the you-know-what.

Good luck to you - hang in there.

I totally understand where you are coming from. It sounds like we have some of the same issues. This is your body and your pregnancy and you need to do what is right for you. It is very different when family is out of town and they want to stay with you when they visit. People who have relatives in town do not understand that extra stress. I don't think you are being unfair to your MIL. If she was helpful, then you would have no problem with her coming. Her actions are the reason you feel like you do. This is not a MIL thing and I am sure you will be a better MIL due to how she treats you.

If she is already coming, then you need to accept that part. But, set boundaries ahead of time. Let her know that you are only taking visitors at certain times and for certain lengths of time and tell your husband that he needs to explain to her that his job is to be with you not with her. As long as you can get buy in from your hubby, let him manage her.

We are due in 5 weeks with our second. My MIL is coming a month after the birth. We both need time before we can deal with her. LOL!

Good luck!

First, Congrats!Secons, you by no means should have to be stressed out in this situation. This should all be joyus and its not fair for you to carry the burden of extra issues, I would sit down with your husband and say this is how it needs to be or not at all. Tell her she is more than welcome to come and visit once the babies are home and settled in. HTH !

Tell her to back off, just because you are having twins doesn't mean she needs to come down right away for the birth especially if you had to pay her to come see your oldest. That's just outrageous, she's supposed to be family so she should help for free. Who cares if you sound like a witch saying it, she's not the one taking care of older children and new baby twins. I had to learn this a while ago with family members who think they can do what they want on my time. no.... I am 22 years old married and I am almost 38 weeks pregnant with our first son. There are just somethings you need to put your foot down with and this is one of them. This is your life, your family just like Eva said. Tell your husband this is what you truly need/want. You don't need all the stress coming home with a new c-section scare and two little babies. And I bet you anything the MIL won't do a damn thing around the house for you. Tell your husband to get off his mother's apron strings and to back you up, he is not the town taxi and if your MIL wants to come see you she can pay the $25 cab fair (which isn't much btw) and if she complains about having to pay for that, then tell her "well you had the money to buy a plane ticket." your MIL sounds so much like my step dad's mom, none of the family can stand her either. Good luck, put your foot down and just say no. no one will hate you for it. :)

Your husband should abide by your wishes. You are the pregnant one. You are the one giving birth and you should get whatever you want to make you comfortable. If her visit is going to make you unhappy then hubby should ask her not to come or to stay in a hotel.And if I were you when it comes time to feed your babies or be examed I would simply ask her to please step out.

If your husband is thinking about leaving during the birth of his children to pick his mother from the airport, shame on him. He should let someone else pick her up from the airport and deliver her to the hospital.

If she is planning to stay 4 days, and your mom and husband will be at the hospital, she needs to keep the 2.5 year old (if you trust her). Your husband can then leave hospital and drop him off at daycare in the mornings. Ask your husband to give his mother a few 'chores' to do to help prepare the home for your arrival. If she just has to be at the hospital, just ignore her.

As far as your husband being a shuttle and you not wanting to be alone...your mother will be there, right? and of course the nurses? I had twins too via c-section and the nurses were there for me.

Some of this other stuff, you have to just let it go. If you don't want to travel for Christmas, then don't. If she wants to visit you with 10 other people for Christmas...you may just have to let your house go and let your husband deal with 'his' people, then he will probably get the message.

Good luck, twins are a blessing, but also a lot of work.

You are in charge of your own delivery and your family during delivery. IF you and your husband want him to be with you HE gets first choice. His mom needs to not be a burden but be of help.

If you feel like she should come to visit at a later time when you will REALLY need help, like in 3 months, have your husband explain it to her.

If she insists and you all cannot put her off, she needs to provide the help you need. Make a list of expectations and have your husband explain it all to her. This is not a vacation for her.
MIL is a grown woman and can pay for the cab. Do you guys have 2 cars? She could borrow your car to drive your children to child care.. Or you could rent a car for a few days.

I am sending you strength...

You get your mom, he gets his. He is not going through physical delivery, but may feel the need for support too since his right hand lady is laid up. As for the car ride from the airport, well, I'd leave it up to hubby to tell her what he feels. Just let him know that you need someone with you & if he plans on leaving then your mom WILL be there. He seems to be on board with wanting to be with you on that. I say you should concentrate on you & the babies and turn over all the other complications over to hubby to deal with as he sees fit. He's an adult too and the sooner he is less dependant on you the better.....twins are coming & he needs to get used to having less of you! Congrats & best of luck. Remember, you will be a MIL someday.....will you be there for the birth of twin grandchildren?

Wow, I am blessed to have a great MIL, (and FIL for that matter) and don't have experience with out of control MIL. Sorry this is adding to an already stressful situation. I just wanted to add to the Christmas discussion. You and your husband are adults with family, and you need to do what you want for your family. I understand being together for the holidays is important, but you have 3 kids and want to enjoy your holiday, right? I think now is a perfect time to set some boundaries. I think you and your husband need to discuss what you want your family Christmas traditions to be. Good luck!

You wont' even be done with your surgery at the time her plane lands! She can't seriously expect your husband to leave the OR and the birth of this children just to pick her up at the airport! Especially when you have others that are willing to do it for her! Geez! And please tell me that your husband is not seriously entertaining the idea? Double geez!!!! Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do about her behavior. :( I doubt she's suddenly going to change and start helping you, or trying to manipulate your husband. It's not fair to you or your husband that he has to shuttle her back and forth from the house to the hospital. I think I would put my foot down on that one. I would tell her she can either get a ride with someone or rent a car herself. The problem is that if your husband isn't going to put his foot down, then there's really nothing you can do. Can you arrange for your mom to be there when he's not? If not, rely on the nurses at the hospital to help you with the babies.
It's also possible that it's time to let go of whatever grudge you're holding. In the long run, it will make your life a lot easier. Anger is such a heavy burden to carry. I think you'll fell a lot less stress if you can just say "ok, this is the way she is. it irritates the daylights out of me, but it's beyond my control." and just let it go. Congratulations on your twins!