Have Reconciled with Ex-husband and Happy, but Have One Huge Issue to Face...

Updated on August 10, 2008
J.S. asks from Lewisville, TX
7 answers

My husband and I divored in 2007 after a year-long separation. We had a 9 month old son at the time and both had kids from a past marriage. It was an on-again, off-again separation messed up with issues we never addressed during our marriage that needed professional therapy - but there was always love there even in the midst of dysfunction. The month prior to our divorce being final there was a lot of tension and questions in both our minds about what we were doing. However, I stuck with the plan and sadly we divorced. The week our divorce was final he announced he was seeing someone. I was devastated but what I could I do? Long story...longer...2 and a half months after our divorce was final we were seeing each other again. It has now been 8 months back together and we're living together again. We've been going to therapy and church and with a few bumps in the road, things have been going great. Then a bombshell was laid in my lap - he admitted to me this week that while we were separated, he got the woman pregnant he was seeing. It was a short-lived relationship that ended before he even knew she was pregnant. He found out a month after he and I got back together and fear that I'd leave again kept him from telling me. He's since spilled his guts since the baby was born last month. He has seen the baby a few times but has had nothing to do with the woman, this I'm sure. This is agony. I love him and know this isn't worth ending our relationship over. He was single and made a mistake. He didn't cheat on me - he was free to do what he wanted. But, now that we're back together, this is a child (and a woman) that I have to face. I'm not the most secure person in the world - I have serious issue having been abandoned by my father at 15 years old. I know he loves me and wants to spend his life with me - but he said he was so upset over our divorce that he foolishly got involved at a time when his "head wasn't on right." Is there anyone who has dealt with anything like this? He's not a bad man...he did nothing wrong. But, its hard. I know to men, sex is just sex...especially if he as dealing with severe anger and depression over our breakup. I just need to find a way to get over this difficult emotional time - I know it will get better. He will have a relationship with this baby boy, and I support that and will do the same. Its just a lot to take in and I'm kind of lost right now on how to cope. Any words of advice?

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So What Happened?

I appreciate those of you who have offerend encouraging words. I think now that I've had a few days to think about it, its really not about the fact that he has this child. I love children and don't resent that child. My issue is my insecurity that he ever shared a bed with another woman - especially at a time when I was still very much in love with him despite our divorce. I know he didn't cheat and he was free to do what he wanted, but how did he lay with another woman - and more than once because they were "seeing" one another, not just a one-night fling - when I thought he loved me. He tells me he did love me, and always has, he just did those things out of hurt and he felt horrible about himself becuase he thought "what was so bad about me that she didn't want me." Anyone have insight as to how I come to terms with my own personal insecurity over every time we're intimate, I picture him having sex with her. I can NOT let this get in the way of our relationship. He's being so tender and supportive right now of my pain and I have let my insecurity cause problems in this relationship all the time. We had therapy scheduled for this week but our therapist had to cancel and now I have to wait another week and that's hard so I'm leaning on my Mamasource friends to help.

More Answers

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A.T.

answers from Dallas on

How is the woman? Is she willing to accept you and does she want her son to know his father? I would suggest thinking about it in this way - giving her the benefit of the doubt - did she know he was just separated and wanting to come back to you? Does she still want him? Don't look at the baby as a bad thing b/c it was something your husband did when you were separated. I know that is much easier said than done, however, you CAN love the baby. Kids of parents who are no longer together CAN thrive if they see that ALL parents (including step) can work together.

Now, after I say this let me tell you that I live both worlds. I have a daughter who is 14 and just moved in with her dad and stepmom. THEY are WONDERFUL, and some of our close friends. We all work together and have a relationship most don't think is possible.

On the other hand, we have full custody of my husband's two daughters. The "mom" is insane - no lie. He won custody four years ago and after constant court battles (which I do not suggest!) she was ordered sup'd visitation and now doesn't see them at all. They have adjusted very, very well, and are doing better without her drug and alienating behaviors.

I told you that so you'd know that I do see both sides. If the mother is not easy to work with, things can get harder. But, talk to your husband (soon to be) and see if this is something you can both handle before you get remarried. Otherwise it could lead to another divorce. Just don't ever deny him the right to see his son, in fact, encourage it. Think about it this way - he is a baby, you will know him since he's tiny and be able to form a bond with him without his having future knowledge of anything. I hope that makes sense! Good luck!

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C.J.

answers from Dallas on

You both love each other he made a mistake and now has a baby that you both can care for and love. How lucky is that baby. As for you yes it is going to be hard, but you love him and you can do it. Just keep going to therapy let all your feelings out. Do not bottle anything in because it will only make it worse. He is going through a lot as well so as long as you are both there for each other everything is going to be fine. I will be praying for you and your family and best of luck.

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A.P.

answers from Dallas on

I can only imagine what you are going through emotionally. I have someone close to me who went through this same exact situation as you have and it ruined his marriage to his first wife, yet he's married to his 2nd wife (baby's mama) and they are happy.

I would only say that you already have come to terms with what is right. This child deserves to have his father in his life, and you should 100% support that, just as you seem willing to undertake. I am sure it will be a challenge in some aspect, but I would make it a point to become involved in this baby's life too. That way you are apart of the relationship now that is between your mate, and his ex partner. I know it's not always as black and white as that as there is emotions involved too, but just treat the baby as you would your own baby.

I think if you address the situation logically and factually, this can be a positive environment. This baby has a wide extended family of siblings, as well as a step mom. I HOPE the baby's mama is okay with this situation because really, she has no alternative that is viable. She doesn't have the right to take the baby from your husband just because she's mad/jealous/doesn't ever want to see him again. Hopefully she's woman enough to do what's right for her child, just as your husband and you are doing what's right for the child.

Just as Dr. Laura says, "Now go do the right thing."

Best of luck and thoughts and prayers to your family during this transition and difficult time of adjustment.

P.S. I agree whole hearted with the person who suggested a ministry program for you and your husband.

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A.

answers from Dallas on

Oh my goodness, you sound exactly like a situation our best friends were facing (only they were younger and trying to stay engaged, so it is a little different.) While I cant give you direction on how, I can say that it can be forgiven and become part of your life. I watch Krissy (the friend) grieve because her fiance's first child would be with someone else. They still got married, and have really worked hard to make this work. The first few years were tough! Jon felt guilty for taking care of the baby, and Krissy resented the attention he gave her at first, but you are a mother, so you will understand that! You are stronger than you think, and thugh it is cliche', time will really help this one. Time, and dealing with the firsts....the first time you see her, the first time you meet the baby, hold him....this was all a struggle, but each step that was taken, was a step in the right direction. Continue therapy, and do something for yourself, to help build your personal confidence....going to the gym or whatever. That really seemed to help my friend, because that self doubt was the biggest obstacle of all. I wish you the best of luck, and if you have any other questions, or just need to vent, I'd be happy to help. We were right there every step of the way with these friends of ours, and I know you can do this!! Hang in there!!~A.~

L.A.

answers from Dallas on

It's good he will be involved in the baby's life. Please don't treat the child any different like an outcast, he didn't ask to be brought into this situation. Not that you would intentionally, but kids pick up when they are not wanted, or maybe he will feel like he is just a deterrent to your happy and revived family.

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J.S.

answers from Houston on

I just have to say that children are never mistakes, so the baby shouldn't be treated as one. Just consider your new relationship with your ex-husband as a fresh start that comes included with a new baby. Make it work. Be happy. :)

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E.M.

answers from Dallas on

i know you are hurting, but try to think about that little boy's hurt if he were to grow up with a father that abandoned him. it happened to you at 15, don't let it happen to this little boy, too!

i would say stay in marriage counsiling and church!!! you join a women's group and he join a men's group for extra support.

oh, and the comment "sex is just sex" for men comment isn't true all the time!

all the best, liz

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