Curious About Something: Marriage & Virginity

Well, if Having No Sex Until Married WERE in fact the SINGULAR reason for successful marriages, then someone would've bottled it and made a fortune by now.

:)

I don't believe in getting married as virgins. In fact I think its a really bad idea. I was a virgin when I met my husband (I was 22) but my hubby wasn't. We had sex for the first time after we had been dating a month. Sex is very important in a marriage. What if the sex was bad? If you can't connect sexually you are not going to have a very happy marriage. Honestly I think it is like buying a car without test driving it.

I'm glad I lived it up when I was single, that way I never feel like I'm missing something (because I've had enough to know I'm not!)

I just do not think in this day and age it is going to be expected that for people that do not marry until their late 20's and early 30's to stay virginal..

The "Bible" was written when people married at very young ages.. 13 and up.. And so the saving your virginity back them was different, your life span was shorter, the marriages were agreed upon as transactions.

I actually read an article that even the most conservative religious leaders are taking a step back about premarital sex. They realize 30 year old virgins do not mean you are going to make for a better partner..

I have quite a few friends that were virgins when they married. Every one of them is divorced and on second marriages.. I honestly think it is because they married so young because they wanted to be together (so they could have sex) and it was the only way they could be together was to marry. .

My husband and I have been together since we were 13.. We waited for a long time, we married young.. We dated others in between.. but we do not consider our Virginity the glue for our marriage.

It was the over coming struggles, having failures and having successes that have brought us closer. 30 years of marriage..

Guilt is a terrible thing to place on people.

On the positive side - a commitment to keep your virginity might reflect a strength in being able to keep commitments in life. It might also reflect a commitment to religious values, which I believe there are only two acceptable grounds for divorce in the bible - adultery and abandonment.

On the negative - that belief certainly encourages a "we're better than them" mentality. And virginity might be connected to marriage in our minds, but that seems to ignore many other issues that might occur in a marriage.

Historically, virginity has always held a special place - in various religions, beliefs and ethics. The bible also has proscriptions against eating shellfish - and I believe even has a passage that a woman found not to be a virgin on her wedding night, may be taken to her father's home and stoned to death. (Deut. 22:13-21)

Guess we don't really do that one anymore....

I'm confused in your situation, though, how a lack of sexual experience with others created a stronger bond?

ETA: Glad to hear you support LGBTQ rights! :)

I think the goal to be a virgin when getting married pushes very young people into marriages because they want to have sex. I have seen it way too many times.

I think your pastor was talking about being a virgin when marrying not just only having sex with one person.

It's a belief system, a trust, love and respect, and a commitment. You have to put the other person before yourself and believe that they will do the same. You have to have a goal/road map as to where you want to go within your marriage.

Virginitiy is a part of it but not the whole. Marriage has many facets and is a work in progress. When things are really bad and the couple pull as a team they can conquer much so when the good comes they can enjoy the prize(s).

I will celebrate 41 years in November and the last four years have been a test to the vows and what they say and mean (till death do you part, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer). I have been forged like steel with all that has gone on and am here to stand in faith. I am a half and he is a half and together we make a whole. We are a team.

The other S.

I believe that is something your pastor said to benefit his own religious agenda...... Not really a bad thing. But I doubt he knows this for a fact. I also doubt it's true these days.

My experience neither proves or disproves this because it's just me. But my husband and I were definitely not virgins, I certainly had less asexual partners than most women I knew but I still had more than 1. I like my past, I've tried on a few different men )so to speak ) and know my husband and I are a better fit, sexually and emotionally. I also knew the things I could cross off my list as " must haves" and traits to add to my list as "should never".

Hmmm... I think your experience actually denies the rule, though, right? You weren't virgins when you were married, you just had only had sex with each other (unless I'm misunderstanding).

Anyway, I don't really know. I think the virgins when you're married thing helps marriages because it's about putting a huge amount of WEIGHT on a marriage, and having a common understanding of what your relationship will and won't be etc. I would think the success of such marriages is less about the virginity of the spouses and more about the REASONS both spouses were virgins.

To me this is a lot like why arranged marriages tend to be "successful." It isn't that people are really bad at picking their own spouses, it's that the arrangement has such clear expectations (and non-expectations) and everyone is on the same page about what will be etc.

Just my two cents.
T.

Awe, girl, I just looked at your profile pic. You and your man look so much in love.

I think this is one of questions where there isn't just one right answer. I think that what's right for one couple could be the WORST thing for another couple, and vice versa.

My husband and I were married after the birth of our child. Before we met we were NOT virgins (not by ANY means ;-) and I'm cool with that. Actually, I think it's helped our relationship.

We too have been through some hard times. Really, really hard times. I'm not sure how it is that we're still together, but I do know that I am falling head over heals for my husband again. It feels so exciting! I have been getting stupid-sloppy-happy when he walks in the door, and I just want to leap for joy about it all. For a long while, I didn't think our marriage was going to last, so to watch him grow into himself, show up as a dad and husband, and become at peace with the world, is a gift.

I think for us our marriage has survived by sheer luck, love, and a lot of it has been that both of us have been able/willing to change along side the other.

Is it the virginity? Or is it amrrying your 1st love that is so bonding?

I wasn't a virgin. I had had sex with one other person before my 1st husband. It was not special and didn't draw me any closer to the guy. I did marry my 1st love. Our 1st time was magic. I think being each others 1st love, that is the glue that held us together for so long. If we end up widowed and alone in our old age, we will definately remarry. We grew up together. There is so much history. Of course, I've learned to love someone else, but we will always be joined at the soul.

I unfortunately happen to know a handful of couples who "saved themselves", got married young (in their early twenties, sometimes late teens even) and have since been divorced. While many other couples, some of which aren't even married have been together for a decade or longer (yes, I am that old).

I don't think that it would be something that is true for the general population, but I also think if both are very religious people and this is an integral part of their faith, I can see that it creates a special bond.

As a non-religious person, to me "virginity" not meaningful.
Good luck.

different strokes for different folks.
i'm so glad i had plenty (and i do mean plenty<G>) of experience before i chose a life mate. so did he. we've got almost 30 years of monogamy going on now, so our experience 'confirms' that it's good to shop around.
my husband's parents were each other's first and neither has ever strayed. so their experience 'confirms' that the christian paradigm is right. my parents were the same. after my mom died my dad had a couple of relationships before he fell in love with my SM but they are so devoted to each other. very sweet.
my younger son fell in love when he was 14 with his then-12 year old GF. 7 years later they are still each other's one and only. i think they're gonna make it.
i've got a very religious niece. she and her mom were soooooo proud of her keeping her virginity until her marriage. she was sooooo excited to get to that wedding night. and years later, she has sooooo many sexual issues that she and her equally clueless husband just can't seem to figure out. not surprisingly they're separated. despite all the religious convictions that made them sooooooooo sure that virginity was their only choice.
of course it's valid to bring in the OT when the question brings up biblical values. it's all very well for MP members to decide to toss out the OT, but last time i checked it's still getting published with the NT and its passages are still being quoted by people making legislation.

i don't believe in 'rules' when it comes to what works.
vive la difference!
khairete
S.

My parents met, dated and married in 3 weeks. They were both virgins when they got married. Last week they celebrated their 39th year together.

My oldest sister and her husband dated for 3 years through high school. They were both virgins when they got married. Two years later they went through a nasty divorce.

IMO I think it has less to do with the number of people you have slept with and more to do with your willingness to work through it. It does take both partners feeling this way to make it work. Neither me or my husband believe in divorce ( not criticizing people who do get divorced). So in the rough times we both tend to work harder to fix what ever the problem is.

Nope. Married for 15 years, together for 19. Virginity or lack thereof meant nothing to my husband and I. There is more to making a marriage last a lifetime than how many people each of you have had sex with. That's my opinion. I'm not surprised a pastor would espouse such a thing, though.

Well I think you can answer your own question. You said you have only been with each other but you didn't say whether you were virgins when you got married. Even if you had sex with just him if you did it before you were married then what the pastor says does not apply to you.

What the story is is the waiting for one another after the holy union is this bond that cannot be broken. So nookie before marriage is not the same even if it is only with the same person.

I was only with my ex, that ended in disaster, sans four wonderful kids. Troy and I are darn near perfect together yet is is knowing what is out there that helped us realize this.

The glue, that is easy, it is fear of the unknown. You know where you are at, you know the good and bad of your marriage. You know what you can tolerate. What you don't know is if you divorce whether you will be happy, find someone new, be able to support yourself, whether your kids will be alright. Why do you think so many have affairs before they file for divorce in a bad marriage? At least that way you have some idea of that unknown, ya know?

My mother and father got married so that they could be intimate. They were both virgins and divorced shortly afterward. Their problem was that my mother wasn't committed to the relationship and chose to do what she wanted to without considering my father's needs. They stayed together about a year or so, just long enough for her to get pregnant with me before she moved on...

My husband and I were both previously married and divorced before we got together. We've been very committed to each other since the beginning and it's been ten good years. We've had to work pretty hard at the start and decided that counseling up front, before things got tough, would be a good investment in our relationship. We lived together for eight years and had a two year old son before we got married. Not conventional, but we were never on-again-off-again; we've always been truly committed. Our son, above all else, will benefit from having two very dedicated and 'willing to do the work' parents.

I believe that there isn't a rule regarding virginity and marriage longevity, necessarily. What I do know is that many people of faith do pursue premarital counseling through their church's pastor or religious leader or through a private counselor. (While my husband and I do not belong to a faith, per se, the counselor we see has his Masters of Divinity.) I also think that young people who value their virginity may be more likely to do the counseling work. I think it's the premarital counseling process that can be helpful for couples. When in that situation, it's easy for people to see how much their partner is willing to change or be flexible to benefit the relationship. Talking about the deeper intricacies of relationships means that everyone is on the same page regarding big topics like religion, wanting children, 'roles' of man and wife, etc.

Very interesting question. I'm looking forward to reading the responses...

Sexual relations before marriage has NOTHING to do with a marriage being successful. Of course your pastor is going to say that though - b/c he can't say anything else!! :)

Sex is too small a part of a marriage to weigh in on the success of it.

I would like hear from the couples that were virgins before they were married that did not meet in school/college. In other words, virgins who met & married that were well into their adulthood. I would find those to be interesting stories since they actually had to wait...

we were both virgins when we got married. We married at 21 years old (19 when we met and started dating) and we just had our 10 year anniversary in February. It was something that is very special to both of us and we love being able to say that we are both our one and only.

My husband and I were obviously NOT virgins when we married. We already had a 4 year old. And we have had our tough times but we stick it out because we love each other. Personally I don't think us not being virgins will affect our relationship...we have been together 8 years already.

I don't think it's true. I think you have to be completely committed to the other person - that's the whole point, right? - and that doesn't depend on whether or not you've had sex with other people. Sex is just one facet of a relationship anyway.

I think what your pastor said is bogus. My marriage is strong because I don't have to "experiment" anymore, after 30+ partners, I was ready to settle down. We have plenty of things to bond over without resorting to obsessing over our past sexual partners.

That said, if you wanted to "save yourself" then that means you had NO SEX at ALL. No oral, no mutual masturbation, nothing that involved the genital area. If you can claim you did none of those things, then you were truly a virgin. Otherwise, you engaged in sexual activity and were NOT a virgin when you got married. JMHO.

Well, I only know one couple who saved themselves for marriage. They were divorced 3 years later.

Hubby and I both had quite a few relationships before we met each other. We'll be celebrating our 20th anniversery this fall. So I guess that would "deny the rule".

I don't think that has anything to do with couples staying together or not. My husband was a virgin when he married at 19. She had already been married. They were both Jehova Witnesses so he was in a "rush" to marry because they were not "allowed" to have premarital sex. So sad when kids do this. Although they were married for 12 years, they were not compatible in many areas, sex being one of them. Personally, I didn't marry until I was 30, I was not a virgin and I was raised from birth as a "christian". That being said, I didn't sleep with every person I met either. However, I'm thankful that I sowed my "wild oats" before marriage. Lets just say there is a HUGE difference in men's sexual ability. I'm glad I was able to explore that BEFORE I made a life long committment to someone. Lord help me, if I ended up with a minute man or someone with no skills. I'm not patient enough to teach a virgin. But I'm happy YOU are happy, only because you don't know any difference and you have both made the committment to stick it out no matter what, lots of couples don't do that. =)

I believe you are right on. I was a virgin, and I've been married 47 years to the same man. In spite of many tough times, I've been determined to keep my flawed marriage intact. My daughters were not virgins when they married. They have told me it has caused difficulties in their relationships--having to do with attitudes. It's hard to put into words exactly what happens when we compromise these standards. I believe people do not realize how much of themselves they give away and take on with each sexual encounter. We are spiritual beings. This can't be ignored.

It isn't true! What does my promise to my husband have to do with past sexual encounters?

Hubby and I will be together forever (11 years and counting)..and he was my 6th.

Sex isn't what holds us together. Love and commitment do. The sex is good, don't get me wrong, but I don't stay with my hubby because of sex. That would be the last reason.

My own experience is not very interesting, but I have a very good friend who was a virgin when she met her husband. She wasn't particularly saving herself. The right guy just hadn't come along. Now we're in our 30's and I've had SEVERAL conversations with her about this - she wishes she had played the field a bit. One time she said, "I'm only 35, is this really going to be the only person I'll ever have sex with?" I'm not sure if her problems wouldn't be there if she'd had sex before marriage though. Gotta wonder...

The bottom line is: everyone is different and in what holds them together.
Religious beliefs or not.
It is not a competition nor you saying what religion is best or not etc.
We all grow up differently and have different lives, even if some are of the same ilk or not.
And we all have free-will and different ethos.
In the end, it is the couple or just one spouse, that will be of like minds or not. And there is no single answer, as to what holds couples together or not.

For you and your Husband, it is nice to see that you both feel the same way. THAT is not something that all couples have.
Again, religious beliefs aside or not.
Each couple is different and all of our lives, vary.

I'm interested to read other's responses, but I would think that without other experiences, it would leave one questioning. That at the 7 year itch, or the midlife crisis - one would be wondering if they had been missing out on anything since they didn't have other experiences.

Personally, having had other experiences and not being a virgin on marriage - I am aware of different experiences and am very content with the experiences my husband provides. I don't wonder if there is "more" or "better" because I've tested other waters.

I guess it depends on if you have good sex with your spouse. I would think that if you were both virgins and one found the other one lacking in the sex department it might not keep you together - probably work the other way.

However - if you are both satisfied and find great connection - I think it can help.

My hubby and I weren't virgins but we were both fairly inexperienced (me less than him) but since we've been together since 17 we did most of our sexual growing together. We have a great sex life and I'm always very satisfied and think it's great that we've been able to grow together like this.

Does it keep us together? Maybe - it's a very strong bond - but I think if I'd had sex with 20 guys prior to him I'd still like to think we'd have a special bond, because, well - we're special. :-)

I agree with your pastor to some extent. The glue is that foundation of trust and investment in only each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. There is nothing else to "compare" to and so you stick it out no matter what because that's all you know. However, other factors such as communication and selfless love plays a part as well, not just the physical. PS: You are brave to ask that question and of course we know it does not mean your life is perfect.

i think you may have something there, you know? (not reading the drama below just yet...but i will!)

i was, he wasn't. not by design, like you, just happened that way. i think if we both were it would change things a LOT. one of the only HUGE issues we've had was fidelity (long ago). i have never had an unfaithful thought. ever. i don't equate any other man with sex. if i had been his first too, probably that huge issue would never have been.

but we'll never know.

I don't think it makes any difference, in fact I have seen the fact that they were virgins destroy 3 different marriages when one decided they needed to have the right to experiment more. I think the only factor in whether a marriage works or not is the people in it and how hard they are willing to work.

In my experience, both my husband and I waited. I was 25 and he was 24 when we got married. That probably sounds really strange to most people - "25 and STILL a virgin?!" - and I admit, it wasn't that easy especially since we dated for over 2 years before marriage (wanted to be sure!) and we had (and still have) major chemistry. We have been married for 8.5 years with no end in sight (I mean that in a good way). Obviously, I can only speak from my experience. But I will say that coming from a religious community, where most of my friends also saved themselves for the wedding night, most of their marriages are still going strong - and their parents' marriages are still going strong.

However, there have been some divorces of virgins-when-wed friends, and from my viewpoint it was mostly those who wanted to wait, but could hardly wait, so they jumped into marriage before really getting to know each other or taking enough time to think things through. So it really can go both ways, I guess.

I am glad I waited. And if I go into the reasons why I think it's a good idea, I'll just sound holier-than-thou to most people on this board. Which I'm not. So I will just say the reasons come from my belief that bringing children into the world might be the biggest deal ever, should never be taken lightly, and is probably best when done in a strong, stable, committed environment.

My husband was with a lot of women and had a lot of sex before me. I was a virgin, not for any religious or moral choice, but because I had a lot of mental problems around the idea of having sex.

Do I feel any less "Together" because he wasn't a virgin? Heck no! There are a lot of other, bigger things that keep us together. I really don't hold virginity on that high a pedistal either.

I think the way you handle diversity in your marriage is what means a long lasting union. I see what you are saying that both holding out together gave you something to bond over, but there are many things couples can bond over other than sex before marriage.

I think it's probably true. But so what? (not meaning to you, just in reference to that belief when I've heard it in church when I used to go.)

Sure, when partners come and go, you live your life in a way that keeps you from being destroyed when partners come and go. I get it that tons of meaningless sex is bad for the soul, but that's the extreme. My mom married into a LARGE Fundamentalist Christian family where NONE of the kids (and there are oodles of kids) have sex before marriage. THEY ALL get married well before age 20, and they are all virgins when they do. They all stay together against all odds...some in crappy relationships....only ONE couple actually got (gasp) divorced. Good for them. They all marry people they basically grew up with, and they had no other plans for their lives other than marrying a family friend and raising kids right where they were planted. And they are great at it and happy --most of them.

I grew up in a mobile Air Force Family with good values, but we moved many times. I lost my virginity at 19 (same age most of my Christian cousins were married) while living somewhere for only one year, spent my 20's in Paris, LA, NYC and traveled a lot for work, and I got married when I was 35. So no, my husband was not my first nor was I his. Do we cling together for fear of ever breaking our pristine sexual unity? No. That's not why we're together. We chose each other out of many other people. Will we stay together forever? Maybe not-it's not the most important thing in our lives.

So your pastor is right in lots of cases.

Well, my cousin and his wife were religious and waited until they were married...early 20s. He cheated on her and didn't want to give up the other woman.

I waited for my husband, he didn't...and in the long run, it really has a lot less to do with our marriage than all the other stuff that matters more. I don't regret waiting for him, but I didn't wait until marriage, and I'm not really sure people should. There is a lot to sex that people need to figure out...I go back and forth about it. But, no, in my experience, 2 virgins are not necessarily the best long lasting combo...

Well, while it's a bit 'eewwww' to think about, I'm pretty sure my parents had had other partners before they married. Their marriage lasted until death did they part last year after 43 years.

Hubby and I were not virgins when we got married, but we've only been with each other. We've been married 11 years and are very happy! Neither of regret not playing the field.

I am sure it can help a lot because you don't have a past with anyone else for there to be jealousy. My husband was a virgin when we got married. I on the other had was not which was obvious as I had a 2 1/2 year old son. But my husband has never been one to hold any of my past against me. So I would definently say it helps to not have a past. We get along great and I think a lot has to do with morals and values that you share and the kind of comunication you have and have had which bonded your relationship. When marrages are started not just on physical but emotional I think that is what makes it strong.

I don"t think being a virgin when you get married holds your marriage together. My husband and I both were not virgins but he is the only one I can imagine being with for the rest of my life. We have had our ups and downs but we have made it through the hard times because we are deeply in love. It really has nothing to do with if we were virgins or not before marriage. I believe everyone has something they hold on to in a marriage to help them through the hard times. For you it may be the fact you were both virgins when you got married.

I often talk to my daughter about this very subject. I do believe that being virgins when you enter a relationship helps the relationship stay together. I think in a good situation it creates a stronger bond.Most of the time this is probably a good thing, but I experienced the other side as well. I was young when I met my ex husband, we got married young and had our daughter young. Since he was the first and only person I had ever had sex with, I felt guilty and like I couldn't leave him even after he became abusive. I felt like since I decided he was "the One" that he had to be.It's kind of hard to explain but my point is I do believe in most cases it creates a better, stronger marriage, but I talk to my daughter about both sides because I don't want to make her fell like one decision dictates the rest of her life. I know this isn't exactly relevant to what you asked :)

I think there are a lot of things that keep people together. I don't have experience to confirm or deny. It may simply be that people who choose to wait are more able to wait for things in general - like better times during a rough patch in their marriage. I don't see it as a surefire way to stay married a long time, but I can see how it might indicate an overall personality trait that can benefit a marriage.

I've been with my husband for....13 years, married 9 of them in July. Neither one of us were virgins. It is a complete non issue between us. In fact my first was a stupid mistake.

A couple of the others were people I really loved, so I don't regret them either. Though I can see where, you're the only one I've ever loved enough to have sex with, is romantic and a fond memory, I don't think that one fact will hold a marriage together.

I've seen it go both ways. We have some friends that are getting divorced and they were each others first. His reason? You're the only girl that I've ever dated/slept with and I feel cheated. Yep, he actually used that fact as a reason to sleep around.

I'm just going to repeat part of an answer that I recently gave to a similar question.

We did not engage in sexual relations before marriage, although we did a lot of cuddling & kissing. We are approaching our 27th anniversary, and are still very passionate about each other. The reasons for saving the marital act for marriage are difficult to explain in a brief comment, but if you really want to understand this, you can invest some time studying Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body. I mean that. It will greatly bless your life, your husband's life, and your children's lives.

I can't describe to you how incredibly joyful & blessed I felt on my wedding day. I was 31, and my husband was 30. We had both saved ourselves for marriage, so we knew on that day that we were giving ourselves to each other totally, with no reservations. There were no past relationships to bring any questions or comparisons into our marriage. There was no concern about STDs, which are running rampant in our society. 27 years later, we have no doubts about each other's faithfulness. I know that there is not another woman in the world whom he would rather be with, and he knows that I feel the same about him.

I think it works both ways as for the results of divorce, etc. whether you wait or not. Some wait and then cheat and some don't wait and stay together. I do agree though that being valued and respected enough to wait for the one right person you chose to live with and have the same goals in life with is what it should be. It's usually not that way in this day. I think often women will think of the 'other' women and wonder, and I also believe that a woman who gives part of herself to men along the way has given so much that she can't get back since we are emotional and our emotions are so involved. You can't tell me you don't remember or think of other men if you were with them. Do you regret it and not saving it all for one or not? I think being a virgin is Biblical still today and is what God said was right. BUT many in the Bible had affairs and many wives and other issues and when they repented, like with David, God forgave them and loved them the same. I think it is what is best for us since God designed it that way. I know most, if not all, will disagree with me, but that's okay. So yes, I think it strengthens a marriage and make the commitment all that more permanent, or it should.