Grandparents Comparing Grandchildren

First of all tell your son congratulations from somebody who is outside of the family who knows this is a great accomplishment!!!! I haven't had your problem though because my husband's parents are divorced and he is the only one that has a child. (sorry we are). Now my MIL is very overbearing on me on telling me what to do with our daughter like stay home or work from home...etc. but that is not the point here. I hope your son understands that this is a great accomplishment and continues to work hard. Make sure you keep praising him so he knows that it has been recognized and will continue to be recognized. I know it hurts when someone close to you doesn't say things about it and kinda blows it off. I don't want to start an outrage here, but maybe not having them come to your son's play will be a start to let them know how it feels playing "second fiddle"

Dear D.,
I can SO relate to this. Your MIL sounds so clueless. Some people are just not self-aware. What you describe is just ridiculous.

My in-laws favor the youngest son, I’ll call him Tom. No, they worship him. I realized this years ago, before kids. Tom’s wife Kim also would talk with MIL about me, in front of me. So, I was not surprised when Tom/Kim’s kids came along that they “hung the moon” and my daughter would be treated like your son is being treated. My daughter was in the hospital for 6 surgeries/7 months and my MIL says “oh, poor Heather (my niece)” ‘cause she has asthma. Now, I know you can die from asthma but my daughter almost died twice due to complications from surgeries. My MIL remarked when my child was in pain “sometimes you have to deal with things you don’t want to.” This was my baby, who had a colostomy (not to mention her indwelling IV).

Now that Heather is 17 and dresses like a tramp, NOW the MIL wants to put her down (in my presence) and draw me into criticizing her. No way am I going to be baited like that. She can forget about it.

My daughter never was close to MIL because of this, always preferred my mother. It hasn’t been too traumatic, though. Never do my in-laws comment about my daughter’s good grades, behavior, etc. I just quit bringing it up.

I also read the following on an etiquette topic on topix.com and it’s kind of how I feel:

“I never call to invite her anywhere, never include her in things I do, never tell her anything, never talk to her except as if she were a total, somewhat dimwitted stranger someone felt sorry for and so invited to wherever I am that she happens to be. I am never, ever rude or sarcastic, just distant and mildly pleasant, talking only about the most banal things.”

I'm not sure if I would cut them out abruptly or completely though...

I’ve done a lot of praying and realize my MIL was messed up by her own parents (took 20+ years to figure all of it out). And she & my SIL are so much alike, but truly, I don’t miss their friendship. I just keep that side of the family at arm’s length.

Don’t know if this helps; however, you have plenty of company, I’m sure, on this subject.

p.s. your husband gets major points for talking to them. But I doubt you’ll ever change them.

Congratulations to you and your son!! I would make an even bigger deal about it and have a celebration. Invite your in-laws. Don't expect any more than what they a have given in terms of support but allow them to see all of the other people who feel this is a big accomplishment. Maybe it will open their eyes to the fact that they could show more pride in your son because that is what he needs from them. If not, at least the celebration and others being proud will show him that he has every reason to brag and be happy about this.

Why haven't YOU spoken up? My aunt did the same thing between her children and my older sister and I (same ages), and now one of her children won't talk to her, and my older sister and I think she's a bitter old bat and we don't like to do anything with her, either. But the worst was that our parents never said ANYTHING when she went on about how great her kids were. Finally when we had some family event and she started comparing my son to her grandson (favorably for my son, but horridly hurtful to her grandchild), I ended up going off on her AND my father, even though both kids were still pretty young. My father was surprised! He'd never realized that constantly being compared to her beautiful dancer daughter who had money enough to dress fashionably might have hurt my feelings, or that my older sister hated the older cousin because the sun rose and set on how tall he was and how athletically gifted, and no one ever bothered to tell my aunt that he was a potty-mouthed bully. What about the fact that my sister and I excelled academically? Or that my sister is an amazing artist? My parents never spoke up. My mother's response when I told her what happened was, "That's why we never hung out with them as friends."-- but she never SAID anything, so it continued at family gatherings! And you know what? We aren't mad at her, because we can avoid her. We're mad at our parents because both of them failed to stick up for us.
YOU need to say when they start that, "Yes, Janey's always great, but right now we're talking about how proud we are of Bobby." If they protest, say, "Janey's not here right now, and Bobby is." If they keep going, LEAVE. It's going to mean far more that both of his parents were on his side than that his grandparents were crazy. I don't fancy my MIL either, and usually make my husband talk to her about things, but there is a line in the sand about what she can do or say in front of my son, and my mama bear comes out if she crosses it.
Channel your mama bear on this one, b/c that's what your kids will remember!

My grandmother got remarried when I was 12 years old. Out of her five kids, my mother was the only one who accepted him... which meant that he and my grandmother spent all their time trying to gain the love and respect of all my cousins, aunts and uncles while they ignored us and took us for granted. I understand.

I talked with my mom about it, and she was upset for me, too. She talked with her mom, and nothing happened. Then one day I was helping her cook or do the dishes, and I told my grandmother how upset I was. She didn't say anything, just kept doing what she was doing. But the next time we visited, there was a change. It was slow, but it was a change.

Your MIL might think that you or your husband are over-reacting, but your son might have better luck. My mom had to warn me that I could pour my heart out and get nothing in return, but once I was prepared for the possibility, it made it easier to talk to my grandma. If you think it would be okay with your son to talk to your MIL about this, you might want to prepare him first. But in the end, you can only do what you can do. It might take something beyond any of you for your MIL to see how her actions and words really do hurt.