Hi again,
My cousin just had her first baby about 6 weeks ago and her mom (my aunt) is already upset because she assumed she would be visiting and staying overnight about one weekend per month to "help out." My cousin doesn't want to hurt her mom's feelings but she feels like that's too much, and I agree. This is my aunt's first grandchild and my cousin is her only child so I understand her wanting to be there as much as possible. What I'm trying to get across to her is that having a houseguest every month puts a strain on a young new family. My cousin's husband loves my aunt but she has a big personality and is exhausting to be around, and her idea of "helping" is holding and playing with the baby, she doesn't cook and she does minimal housework. So I'm looking for outside opinions on what you all would consider reasonable visitation time? They live about three hours apart so it's hard to do just day visits. My cousin would rather spend time with her mom when her husband's not around but of course that has already created a "oh I guess your husband doesn't like me" vibe. I would love some advice from any of you who have had a similar situation, thanks!
I guess I wasn't being clear enough in my post, probably because I love my aunt very much. But the thing is when I said she has a big personality and is exhausting to be around, I really should have been more honest and said that she drinks too much and is super sensitive. So my cousin and her husband have to be very careful with everything they do or say because they never know what may set her off. In other words, it's NOT relaxing for them to have her there, even if she's helping it's stressful for my cousin and especially her poor husband who is still trying to get used to his difficult and unpredictable MIL. And by the way my aunt is well aware of her drinking problem but has no desire to do anything about it. It's a sad situation for my cousin to be sure :(
When I had a 6 wk old newborn, I would have been THRILLED with someone coming O. weekend per month to play with and take care of the baby so I could sleep, shower or veg out!
Seriously, maybe it's just me, but O. overnight per month doesn't sound too "much" for me.
Ok. I might sound crazy but one weekend a month doesn't sound so bad. Even if G-ma just wants to hold and feed baby that could free up her daughter to do other things. How about not alienating her out the gate and try it for a weekend and see how it goes? Lots of people get no family help and would love the repreive.IMO
Some "help" you just don't need... And perhaps one doesn't realize it until you meet the person. I would go with your instincts on this one.
I was in a similar situation with my MIL. Abrasive, self-serving, party-girl personality. Really only wanted for me to be in total awe of her mothering skills, such as "Watch me hold the baby". Not relaxing to be an audience at these tender times.
Her visits have basically been total nightmares as we struggled to keep her happy while taking care of the new baby (ie, attending to two babies). She expects to be shown a good time and is totally flabbergasted when I suggest helping (does the "helpless me" thing: I don't know how to use your washing machine, where are your pans/spatulas, even when shown asks repeatedly). With schedules thrown off b/c she wants to go to a new and different restaurant for EVERY meal, I was exhausted after the last visit. The visits end with her blowing up (yelling & tears).
This is not quality family time and is not good for the relationship (marriage and familial). What works for us is short visits and no visits. She lives 3,000 miles away, so short visits are hard- but if she is traveling anywhere within 3h of us, we'll drive there, stay in our own hotel and visit for a limited time (2-3h per day, subsequent days ok). This also works because then we are on neutral ground. She actually goes on Match.com and "dates" a couple of men in the meeting city (really bothers me that she'll use the pretense of a relationship to be chauffered around and get meals for free, but that's definetely in the "her life decisions category").
It is just not worth the stress and damage to the relationship(s) to let her visit on her terms. If I were reading this, I would think I was heartless, but until you are in the horrid situation, you might not understand it.
Best regards to all!
I have to guess there is something else going on here because it sounds pretty cool to me to have a couple of extra hands around once a month. I would have loved that when my son was younger, I would have scheduled my hair coloring session during those weekends, as it were I had to beg for an hour sequestered in the bathroom once every 6 or 8 weeks.
Anyway, whatever the underlaying problem is needs to be addressed. Maybe your friend wants other "help" if so, she could ask her mom for it. "Mom, when you visit it would be really great if you could (fill in the blank) as well as hold the baby."
However, like others have said, I would have enjoyed the free time afforded another ste of arms when the baby was young. Heck, I still would now, he's 13 months old and running all over the house, the more chasers the better :)
Hi Mama-
I really don't think that the grandma should be kept away from the baby, but I also don't think she should just be allowed to pop in for long weekends either.
I do think that one overnighter a month, like a saturday -Sunday where grandma goes home Sunday is perfectly reasonable, especially if there is a drinking problem. OR, if your cousin can do it, get a hotel (priceline or something cheap) and go there for one over night a month or every other month. You could even suggest that they meet halfway for a play date here and there, that way, each party is only drive 3 hours total instead of 6 hours on one person's clock, you know.
I know that everyone loves the grandma, but sometimes grandmas have unfortunate lifestyles that cause more harm than good. If grandma can be trusted for a play date, find a nice park or cafe in the middle, maybe with some budgeted shopping for the baby, and go out. If grandma is out, she cannot drink, but she can still hold the baby, play with the baby, and love on the baby. And your cousin can go back to her home and be at peace with a quiet house.
I do think your cousins husband should attend every other one, for the sake of being social with the whole family, but also have your cousin make "girls day out" plans with grandma so that the husband is not included because he is not a girl- and it has nothing to do with being around grandma or not. This way, she sees him, she doesn't see him, but she always sees the baby. And if she says "he didn't come because he doesn't like me," your cousin can immediately attest truthfully to her mother that that is just not true- that this is a girls day out (plus baby) and she did not invite him because it was time for just mom and daughter and grandbaby to be together.
I hope this helps some.
-E. M
She WANTS to come and hold the baby...once a month?!! Good Lord she should thank her lucky stars that she has HELP!!!!!
She will have one weekend a month to take a long bubble bath, go out alone on a date with her husband, sleep in late, clean her house and prep meals for the next few weeks, read a book, watch some tv, go to a movie, the list is endless...and she doesn't want it?
Send her to my house!!
Theresa, I am going to respond to this as a Grandmother with some wonderful kids that are pretty firm about things!
When the one child was born it was just after my husbands death. I was always looking for something to do and would take over and clean like they were having a party so they could be alone with the baby. After 3 times of this my son told me to find some place else to be-- yes it was helpful BUT they would rather have the mess and just enjoy the baby . So I honored that and proud they said something. Later they let me come and make meals and clean up and do laundry so mom got a nap and baby got mom when dad got back to work.
When my next daughter in law had a baby she would not let anyone from either side of the family see the baby for the 2 months. I found the greatest need was meals so I'd make things and leave it in an ice chest on the porch-- then leave.In exchange they text me pictures. When I decided I ( note it was all about me) needed to see the baby I text my son and said you have a choice I am on my way or you can send me pictures so I know you are all ok-- I got 12 pictures over 3 days.
My point is~~~~ I understand how both sides feel. But this is thier time and they need to bond. She can recieve pictures by computer or text and accept it. As anonly child that is tough becasue Grandma has all kinds of dreams she has been thinking about for the past 20 plus years and they have come apart.
But they have to stay firm.
*** just saw your 2nd post. My daughter in law has several alcholics in her family one being the mother. She is a pretty strong person herself and flat told them unless they were sober and had no thing on thier breath they were not allowed intoher home and near her baby. Since I don't drink and most of our family only does on occasion I didn't understnad just how bad it could get until I saw it for myself. Happy or Mean drunks are not good and should not be holding a baby becasue they are unpredictable. So I was proud of my daughter inlaw for making a stand. But to pull it off she had to not let our side of the family come eithr which hurt but we are adults and got over it. After a year they are now able to spend some time as long as mom is there watching with the baby. SO SUPPORT your cousin and if you are close by offer to drop off a meal now and again and let her know that you are there for her. BUT I see she needs to do what she must-- she is a mother now not just someones daughter and she has to make that clear. Good Luck& tell her Congradulations on the baby.
Many couples forget to "date" their partner once the baby arrives. What a great opportunity to contine to "date" and keep the marriage healthy. Perhaps they could agree to every 6 weeks and really look forward to quality time with each other. Even if she's breast feeding, short outings are possible. They could also assign her tasks, especially when the baby is napping when she can't hold or play with the baby. Maybe she just needs guidance. "Mom it would be really helpful for you to..."
I have a lot of experience with a similar type of situation. My mother and mother-in-law live close to us and my baby was their first grandchild. Both wanted to help A LOT when the baby was born and I had a false impression of what that help might look like. I imagined working or doign what I wanted while grandma took care of everything. I found out quickly that most babies don't want to be cared for by someone else! As they grow, they become more comfortable with others. A daycare situation is different because Mom is gone. My "moms" ended up hanging out a lot with me and sometimes doing some housework or cooking. And yes, it was stressful to have to interact with another person when I was exhausted. They key for me was to have some activity planned; going to the grocery store, going to the park, doing a little light work in the garden, etc...
Long story short, this is what we've worked out over the past three years and another baby later: my mother comes one afternoon a week (used to be every other week before my second was born) and stays until after dinner. She helps tremendously with cooking and cleaning. My mother-in-law lives very close and helps out with childcare WHEN WE NEED HER. In particular, she cares for my 3.5 year old daughter one afternoon a week. I don't let her care for the baby as she's not much of a baby person.
Since your cousin's mother lives far away and a day visit isn't practical, I would suggest 1 overnight a month. It might be stressful, but having something regular is much easier than having pressure build up for a longer visit with higher expectations. With something regular scheduled your cousin and her husband can plan more easily to have activities to do with Mom. Don't expect her to cook, clean, and all that. If she hasn't picked up on those cues, she's not going to do it now. But it can be helpful to have someone play with the baby.
Also, you're giving the child a chance to bond with grandma.
Good luck. Integrating family members when you have a new baby is a real challenge and you're very kind to support your cousin this way!!!
Tell your cousin to think about what is acceptable to her and then lay down the rules. Better a few hurt feelings right now than years of building a silent grudge. Once the rules are laid out stick to them.
In my opinion, drinking + baby (of ANY age) = BAD SITUATION!!!!!!! I would NEVER allow someone who has more than one drink in their system to hold my child, regardless of the relationship. I've been in that situation with my sister, and I told her tosober up first.
The second thing that stood out to me is the fact that this mom (your cousin) doesn't necessarily need help while her husband is home. It's not that her husband doesn't like his MIL. It's when she's home by herself that she needs help - and company - most. She needs to just be straight with her mom regardless of what may set her off. That may sound harsh, but she has her own family to consider now, and her new baby and her own sanity are most important.
I can definitely understand not wanting to hurt her mom's feelings; it's always easier to suggest things and give advice when you're not actually in the situation. But her life is stressful enough right now without having to deal with a visitor who's not necessarily helpful. And yes, I agree that once a month is too much. Maybe she could come for a week (with NO alcohol) every other month...????
I can understand her wanting her mom there when her husband is not there to help out... when her husband is there, he can help out. However, I loved having the help when I had my babies. For my first, mom came and took care of the 3am feeding... it was wonderful... she did the laundry, helped cook and helped with the baby..
I have to agree with everyone else....What a wonderful opportunity to take a break and know the baby is being oohed and aaahed over. Have a date with her husband, get some exercise, clean house , read a book. I could go on and on with idea's . I do remember being a first time mom and we think different. We sometimes don't know what a special gift it is to have a grandma who just wants to have baby time. Being a mom of 4 , I can totally appreciate the offer. I'm with Retta, Send her to my house. Plus it's only once a month for one night. That is not to much!!!
As the wife of a military man, who not only had no help coming in when my kids were little, but had to go through one birth totally alone... except for some friends I had only known for four months, because we had just moved to that town... I agree with those who say the help should be welcomed. I also know that some of us grandmas can be overbearing. So I think the idea of saying "yes, Mom, I'd love for you to visit and help out, and here are some things I'd really appreciate you doing while you're here" would be a great idea. So Mom doesn't cook or do much housework. I'm sure there is something she does and does well. Try tapping into her strengths and let her do those things. If she's playing with the baby, I'm assuming she'll also do some diaper changing, feeding (if the baby is being bottle fed at all) and most of all, she'll be entertaining the child so mom and dad can have some together time by themselves, or mom can just take some time for herself for a while. Be sure grandma understands the expectations before she comes for her visit though. Otherwise she may feel abandoned and 'used' in the situation.
Just let her know to appreciate her mother"s efforts and be honest and let mom know they like alone time also. A few days is appreciated but they need to regroup and get in the routine so they stay focused. Tell her it is easier when hubby is not around so they have time alone just mom and daughter.
Let her know you love her.
N. Marie
Trust me a new Grandma will make the 3hr drive each way and behave well if she wants to be invited for a short visit again. She of course would need to keep sober to make it possible. Your cousin makes the rules for behavior and timeframe for visiting with no commitment of regular visits. If her Mom wants to party she can drive in the morning for a short afternoon visit and then head over to a hotel to whoop it up and sleep it off. Poolside at the hotel, a local park, a restaurant or another family member's home for a brunch would be a better venue and would give your cousin the ease of going home for a nap without interruption. You are a really great cousin for recognizing this challenge and stepping up to support her! You do not need to give reasoning... just support the new family privacy rights. If she pushes you can remind her that whining or demanding does even less for her than her current set of behavioral issues.
