Going from 1 to 2 kids...ANY Advice!

I have a 12 week old, and my son is 2 years older than her. I would say the biggest difference is in mobility. My son just got to the get up and go stage and now we are back to the baby stage again. If there is anything you want to do that would be complicated with an infant, do it now. For me, there wasn't really anything.

We talked a lot about my son being a big brother. I had a c-section, so my husband really had to take over everything with my son (VERY much a momma's boy). He is now attached to my husband which is good, because he can get some of that additional attention from him, but sad, because I miss being his favorite. :)

I try to never give an excuse that blames his sister for why we can't do anything. When I got the end of my pregnancy, I was just too big, nothing to do with the baby, and that is why I couldn't run, or have him jump on me. Now, I get him to help me a lot, and unless she is eating, I try to still cuddle on command and participate as much as possible. Sometimes I have to say, we can go outside as soon as sister goes down for her nap. I also have him sing to her, and constantly tell him what a good big brother he is. We did get some toys for him so that if any visitor brought something for her, he would have something too.

This is from a working mom though, so I know that it will be more difficult having to juggle the two of them and their needs while they are both awake.

Hi KF,

The most important thing is making sure the oldest child doesn't feel displaced. I called myself making an effort when my second one came along but obviously I didn't do enough. My oldest, best behaved child I had ever seen, turned into a little green eyed monster. She is 18 now and just beginning to accept her sister as a viable part of the family, lol. No, really, they get along but they are so different personality wise, with the jealousy thrown in there at the beginning, things changed. I wish I had done more.

If he's a very attached toddler, let him stay attached. Include him in all that you do with the baby at least until he understands. Nursing was the hardest part because my toddler wanted to be in my lap....If I had had a bigger lap, I'd go back and let her sit with me.

God bless,

M.

Well in all honesty for me it was so much easier having 2 kids than one. With the first it is such a big adjustment but with the second you area already in Mommy mode. Used to sleepless nights, changing diapers, having to find a sitter in order to go out etc. It really wasn't bad for me at all. One of the biggest things is just have some special toys or videos for your 2 year old that he only gets when you need him to be good and out of your way....like when you are nursing (if you do that) or putting the baby down for a nap. My kids are 2 years apart and it really was easy. You'll do great.

Hi K.F.,

I haven't read all the responses, sorry if I duplicate some.

I remember when I was at about your stage, I was feeling so sorry for the new baby even before its birth, because I was afraid I could never possibly love him/her as much as I loved Benjamin (then almost 3.5 yo).

I did take Benjamin to the zoo 2 weeks before the baby ( Philip) was born (people thought I was nuts, zoo was 2 hrs away), and it was one of those "million-dollar days" for me anyway, we had such a good time. (Don't know if Benjamin remembers it, he is 19 now). So I would do as one resonder said, go someplace special and have the photos out. We didn't have the photos out but we could talk about it. I would just do lots of things with him so you can talk about it. And enjoy his company, try to "soak up" what he is like at this age.

I also liked the idea of getting him used to playing by himslef for a few minutes at a time. But if he is not up for it don't stress over it.

A lot of people seem to think that the older one is "left out" when mom is feeding baby, esp. if mom is nursing (which I hope you will do , but that is a topic for a whole other post!) This need not be the case! You can ask him to bring a burp rag for baby, a cup of water for you (maybe a sippy if you are afraid of spillage--lol!), a blanket for baby; stroke baby's feet if baby is falling asleep and needs to nurse more, etc. Or you can quietly read him a book while you nurse (he can hold it), or (once you can nurse one-armed) just put your free arm around him and cuddle and talk. All this stuff works for bottle-feeding too.

Going from one to two--your laundry will double! or it will feel like it, even though you are only adding one person--I have talked to several friends who agreed that it sure seemed like the wash doubled every time they added a baby!

Check with your hospital to see if they have a sibling preparation class.

Let your son pick out a toy or book for the new baby. We also got a toy for our older one and told him it was from his brother--eventually he wondered just HOW the baby got it for him, lol!

Ask you children's librarian for books to read about a new baby arriving. I can't remember any titles offhand.

There is a very nice book called "My New Baby and Me: a First-Year Record for Big Brothers and Sisters" by Dian G. Smith. It is a book where the big bro or sis answers questions and fills out the pages (with adult help) about what s/he can do and what the baby can do. You could get it for your son or ask someone else to give it to him--with the baby getting lots of gifts, it is nice for the older one to get some too.

Take some photos of your son, maybe of him sitting on your pregnant lap; it's easy to get in the "take lots of baby photos " mode.

There is definitely an adjustment for your toddler because he has always been the center of attention, and hasn't had to share you with anyone else. For an interesting take on sibling rivalry, (and I'm not saying it will happen right away, or at all), read the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" (I forget the author). The first part has a very good analogy that really puts you into the shoes of the older sibling.

I remember another mom talking about the family adjustment as well--because you are going from essentially a triangle, a very stable shape (remember geometry/ 3 non-colinear points determine a plane) to a square, a not-so-stable shape (think of how a 3-legged stool doesn't rock like a 4-legged one can). Now eventually you get the 4-legged stool stabilized, but it is not always a quick thing. (hope that made sense).
And fwiw, a friend told me "you only bring a baby home to an 'only child' once". Which is small comfort to those of us who only have 2..(she had 4) ..but oh well!

I don't know if this has been any help or not. Just know that you will manage. Enjoy being a "mom of one" for your remaining time, and look forward to the new adventure of being a mom of two!

And BTW, I do love my "new baby" (now 15.5) as much as my first! ;-)

K. Z.

My biggest suggestion is to get the 2 yr old used to playing alone for a few moments at a time. My oldest was 22 months when I had her brother. It was a real challenge during feeding times because she demanded my attention and would stand and scream by his face while I was nursing. It wasn't really good for anyone. I started having her play with me for a few minutes and then I would do something else for 2 - 3 minutes and keep talking to her while walking to another room, then coming back and have her update me on what was happening with her toys, animals. Eventually, she figured out that I didn't have to be right beside her to be engaged in what she was doing. Then I could feed the baby while she played instead of her having a tantrum.

I am preparing to welcome #3 in just 7 weeks so I am trying to get my younger one (now 3.5) ready for this arrival! Good luck with your own adjustments! ( I would recommend that you plan a last minute outing with your son before the baby comes so that you can look at pictures of the zoo, or wherever when people come to see the baby. It gives the older sibling something to show off when the guests are enthralled with the new baby.)

How exciting to be bringing a new baby into your home. One word of advice is to let you know that children love babies. Toddlers love babies. Expect your son to adore his new sibling. Never once should you ever plant the seed that he should be jealous or worried about a new baby coming into the home. We always tell the olders that this is "our" new baby. It is just as much theirs as it is ours (parents'). We put them to work helping by getting diapers, singing to the baby, holding baby (closely supervised), and then expressing how much the baby loves them and is so thankful for their help. Two years is a great amount of spacing, although it usually comes with some complications, like potty training, as you mentioned. Our boys usually didn't train until around 3. Our girls were younger. So, it is okay that he's not trained yet. Yes, it's more work for you in changing 2 at a time, but it isn't that hard, really. You'll do great! You are already coming from a great place being content and happy to be a SAHM with your son. Enjoy the days. They really do fly by!

Set up a one-on-one time with your son now at least once a week. Nothing elaborate or expensive is needed - just go for ice cream every Saturday afternoon, or back cookies Sunday morning, or library storytime Wednesday morning. Then do it. And keep doing it. You might have to miss a week with the labor/delivery/hospital stay but that should be it. Hire a sitter, make your hubby watch the baby, whatever - but have someone else watch the baby while you do this. It will cut down the jealousy bigtime because he will know he'll have you all to himself for that precious hour (or two) every week. You may think you can't leave your newborn for an hour - but you can. Even if you're nursing, you can leave for an hour. It's also healthy for daddy to know you trust him to take care of your kiddo.

And while you're at it, don't forget about 'me' time. It's not being selfish - most experts agree the best way to take care of your kids is to take care of yourself. Play a sport, attend a book club, have dinner with friends, etc at least once a week. Your kids will thank you (and your not-as-stressed-self) for it.

Consider putting your son in a preschool program (or moms day out - same thing) 1-2 days a week. It'll give him something 'big kid' to do, let him meet new friends and have new experiences and it'll also give you time to nap while baby naps when he's gone. One of the hardest things about having more than one kid is following the old advice 'sleep when the baby sleeps'. You simply can't fall asleep at anytime because you have big kid to take care of.

All 3 of my kids are each 2 yrs apart and I love it...it is great spacing! My only advice would be to take advantage of any and all quiet time you get now, when the oldest is napping or whatever because when you have 2 the quiet time gets less and less:) Absolutely go on some "dates" with your hubby because finding time after the baby arrives will be even more difficult than it is now!

Other than that, its no biggie going from 1 kid to 2 kids...you'll see! Don't stress, everything is gonna be OK. Make sure you include your son in lots of the new baby stuff, he will really enjoy being "mommy's special helper" and (if you dont already) I would for sure introduce "quiet reading time" when the baby is sleeping...that way you and your oldest will have a special moment at least once every day...just the 2 of you!

The one thing I did do with each of my kids when a new sibling was arriving was I took them to the "Build-a-Bear" place and let them build their new sibling a special bear...just from them! I built my oldest son his when I was prego and he loves it, still to this day and he is now 6! He had a blast building one for his brother and then they both had fun building one for their sister! Then they got to help wrap it and bring it to the hospital and lucky for them the new baby was too small to un-wrap the present so they got to do that part too...which surprisingly was a lot of fun for each of them, even tho they new what was in it:)

Congrats! Wishing you all the best!

Karma AND
Korbin & Benny Bear -Age 6
Wyatt & Brown Bear-Age 4
Bean & Bella Bear-Age 2

I have to say, I agree with Andrea below. I was so worried about going from 1-2 and I found it so much easier having two! I was used to being a mom and doing all the mom stuff. I'm the type of person that figures if I'm making dinner for 5, I might as well make dinner for 15. That's kind of how I feel about parenting too. (Well, I don't want 15, but you get the analogy!) Also, you can ease the transition for your son, but he'll adapt as well as he can. Kids are remarkably flexible and adaptable. Good luck!

Try the "I'm a Big Brother" books. We read those a lot before our daughter was born. Also talk a lot about being a brother -- how he can help give his sister/brother lots of kisses. Simple things. The books may be a little over his head, but he may pick up on some of it so it's worth a try.

My best advice is to cut yourself some slack. It's a big change going from one to two and there are times when one is or both are not going to be happy. For instance, you can't feed the baby and give your oldest a snack simultaneosly. You just can't meet everyone's expectations all the time. Someone will be disappointed with you and that's ok. They won't be scarred for life, I promise. :) Just do the best you can.

Also, if grandparents or friends volunteer to help, have them help with your oldest. Special one-on-one time is a major help during this transition, even if they're still at home but just playing with your son.

Best wishes!

As for the potty training, good thing you didn't stress about the training. Two year olds often regress after the baby comes, and a potty-trained child can decide diapers are better because the baby wears diapers and look at the attention the baby gets. Also, having little toys for your two year old to open when guests come is good. The baby will be getting gifts, and htis will give your child something to do when everyone is gushing over the new baby. Also be prepared for him to either want a bottle or to breastfeed. Just be prepared how you want to handle this situation.
Congrats and good luck!
R.

This not advice but reassurance. We recently went from 1 to 2 children. They are 2 years and 9 months apart, and I think it is a great age difference. I must say I am very surprised at how easy the transition has been. Our older daughter loves being a big sister. She has not shown jealousy (thank goodness!). Our younger daughter is a really happy baby, so I'm sure that helps a lot. It can be an easy, fun experience! Best of luck!

I have 2 kids. now ages 4 and 2 years old. One thing that a friend of mine did for my then 2 year old was when I was given a baby shower for my second, my friend brought a present just for my 2 year old. He LOVED it and thought it was so special that someone gave him something just for him. I now do that for my friends who are having #2.

Another thing I read about and tried was as my belly got bigger, I had a "special" spot on my lap (actually it was sitting between my knees) that was just his. So even after I had my second, he could sit in his special spot and I could still nurse the baby. Now at 4 years old, he still sits there sometimes.

It will be hard with two. At the beginning, I confess I had a few melt downs with my sons, when the oldest was crying because he needed extra love, the baby was crying, and I couldn't comfort both at once. I ended up sitting on the floor crying with both of them. But after a few weeks I figured out how to juggle things and my attention and it got better. Since the baby took more naps, the times the baby slept and my oldes didn't was our time.

Now 2 years later, I love having 2 kids. Just watching them play together and run around the house laughing warms my heart. Just this morning, my toddler, had a jumproap that my 4 year old held in his hand, and they were playing puppy as my 4 year old crawled around the room barking.

I have 2 children and am still adapting to the 'less time issue' after 18 mos. Before our 2nd child was born, we went out at least one evening per month and got a sitter for our eldest. Once our daughter was born, I made sure to have mommy dates with my oldest 1-2 times per month--for me it was my daytime nanny watching my daughter but if you stay at home you could also have your husband do it. We went to Children's Museums, Jump Zone, etc. for a good 3-4 hours so my son still felt like he had mommy time because he was quite attached--even though I worked from a home office.

One thing I did do was get very organized--updated my eldest's babybook, photo albums, pre-shopped for clothing and I'm quite thankful I did because now I'm really behind on these types of projects. It also helped my son to see what he looked like as a baby.

Emphasis on big brother--books are great and helped my son tremendously. Big brother gifts were a help from our family and we even had his little sister bring him a present when she was born when he arrived at the hospital. In his case, it was a toy hospital and the hardest for him was having me be gone and him having to go home with his grandparents for 2 nights while we were in the hospital. He carried that toy back and forth.

Good luck!

AE

Going from none to one is more of a life transition than one to two, so you probably won't have those same "I wish I would have's" that you did the first time around. Two in diapers is just fine, and sometimes less of a pain than having a newly potty trained toddler and a newborn. The hardest part of one to two is trying to figure out how to get it all done. Don't be a perfectionist and realize that the new baby will need less and less as time goes on; the blessing is that so will the 2 year old. My kids were 19 months apart, and it took a few months for me to really feel like I was in the swing of things. Don't forgo going out with 2 just because the house is a wreck; a trip to the park or walk is sometimes just the sanity break you need to be a better mom. Good luck!! You will have so much fun watching them play together as they get older.

I was in the same boat you are in about 2 years ago. My son was 2 1/2 when my second son was born. And same as you, we wanted him potty trained before the birth but it never happened. He was actually quite difficult to train and it was another year before he was. There really wasn't much we did to prepare (besides by a bigger house). We DID make sure that my older son was in a new toddler bed well before the baby came so that he didn't feel jealous when baby had his crib. We bought him a new toy to play with for the few days with the new baby. We tried to get him involved as much as we could. We talked about him being a big brother, he got to feel the baby in mommy's tummy, he got to hold the baby, we showed him the differences in sizes between his feet and baby's feet, etc. Truthfully, I'm not sure he even understood what we were talking about until the baby was here! There is (even now) stages of jealousy because brother is littler and doesn't understand like he does.
Good luck! You'll find that the first year is probably going to be easier when the baby is still little. Once baby gets bigger, it really gets interesting between the 2 kids!

We just went through this last October. My boys are 3 years apart. I got my son a DVD Blues baby brother (Blues Clues) He loved it. We talked alot about being a big brother and that this was his baby. I made sure he had a special I'm the big brother shirt to wear at the hospital. I think it is important for them to meet the baby at the hospital. My son has always been excited about his little brother.

You should have some last dates with hubby! I'm still getting used to less time but it works out well. My baby is now 9 months old and they are starting to play together and that has been a big help.

Hope this helps a little and congrats!