Getting Daddy on Track

But like most men, they refuse to listen to reason?! Hmm, my husband listens to reason, but I also don't tell him what to do, or how to discipline our children. He has his way and I have my way, but if one of us tells our kid to do something, then we will back each other and I tell him, "daddy told you to do that, now you need to do it.", even if I don't neccessarily agree with him at the moment. You sound a little bit angry and demeaning towards your husband. I think you should be appreciative that he works so hard for you to be a sahm, and work together with him, not against him. Change your attitude first, and you will, more than likely, see a change in him too! Respect is what's missing in marriages today.

Age old conflict and why WE'RE still havin' the babies Mom! Men do not think the same way we do, does not mean he is not that 'into' his family....if they DID think like us we'd probably feel threatened by them not letting US do OUR jobs! Your child is getting most of what she needs from you, which is not a bad thing....it will not undermine your authority or confuse your child in the long run, it's perfectly healthy and normal for children to experience more than one kind of parenting. You will be FOREVER disappointed in your husband (and marriage) if you do not learn to welcome his input and let him do it his way!

You wrote my story as it happened 20 years ago, including the infretility. so I understand everything you are going through. I did nothing to change my husband's behavior. Here are the results: daughter was first, was scared of Daddy. Son was second, this is the one that he identified with, so supported his athletics, and went to every game. (He only wanted to see one performance of the daughter's play, because why would he want to see it more?) Unfortunatley for the son, he did not spend much time playing with him. But he is fairly well adjusted, just shy like his dad.

The 3 rd child, our son, was when the ** hit the fan. He is strong willed and intelligent, and played us against each other. He wouldn't do as he was asked because he realized that there were no consistent consequences. He's in high school, and failing his classes because he doesn't like to do things that other people tell him to, so he passes his tests without studying, but fails classes because of homework. He is spoiled, and it is because we were not consistent.

The good news is that we have been to counceling this year, and we are now on the same page, working on communication, and have given the reins for success/failure over to the 16 year old son, the youngest. So, our marriage will last, our children will be independent and as successful as they desire, and in general, I am happy.

I have no suggestions, only the story of how one couple in the same situation dealt. Good luck!!

Have you asked your husband what he wants you to do in regard to discipline? Have you asked his imput? I have been married for 21 years, and together we are raising 6 children. It took me years to realize that I was doing everything my way and never even considered asking him what he wanted for our children. After all, I was with them all day, raising them, putting in the long hours. He was at work all day, working long hours to provide for us. I forgot to be thankful for all he was doing for us. I only considered what he wasn't doing at home. Once I realized how selfish I was in this, everything changed. I no longer "counted" how many diapers I was changing in relationship to him. I just did them all to bless him. It was a gift to him, and I found that I had so much more joy in the task since I was no longer frustrated by the game of keeping things even. I started asking his imput in discipline issues. I would explain how I handled a specific situation and asked if that is how he would have handled it, or if he had a better solution for me. Guess what I learned? My husband has a lot of wisdom, and I was clouded in my judgement sometimes. Most of the time, he praised me for how I handled things. But, I think he felt more involved just because I cared enough to ask him his opinion. I didn't nag and complain. What good does that do? It only causes more division and discontentment to rise up. Be thankful. I guess that is my advice. And, ask him what he wants you to do in regard to your parenting. It isn't you against him. That will lead to destruction. Women often think that men refuse to "listen to reason." Funny thing. We think that we have all the reason and men need to listen to us. But, we sometimes get offended at the idea of us listening to them.

Hi M.,

I am also a stay at home mom and I care for our son 99% (I want to give him at least a tiny bit of credit, he does put him in the highchair for meals). I struggle with how little he helps all the time, but I am slowly starting to get used to the fact that this is the way it's going to be (his father was even less involved in his care growing up). I have tried speaking with him a few times, mainly mentioning how much bonding he is missing out on during baths, play time, and putting him to bed. Heck, even changing diapers can be a bonding experience!

Someone was right when they said each parent has their own discipline style, but you have to be on the same page somewhat. If my husband tells my son no, I just follow behind my husband and tell my son the reasoning behind the no. I try to tell my hubby he needs to be specific in order to correct the behavior. I have read so many books and he has read none. I just try to tell him what I read and he'll listen. I hope that over time he'll start to understand that he needs to be specific when he is disciplining him. For the most part though, I am responsible for all that anyway. My hubby just does not have the patience to deal with him. He is 20 months.

If your daughter is with you the majority of the time anyway, she's gonna start to listen to you more than him. Maybe try explaining that to him, "She going to start to ignore you if you don't become more involved, because she is not used to you." Or something to that effect. And then maybe just lay some basic ground rules like he needs to tell her what it is she's doing wrong, and he needs to help redirect her. Also reasons that land her in time out, or spanking, or whatever you do. Like she only goes into time out for hitting, or throwing tantrums, other things just warrant a firm talking to. Eh, just some ideas.

Hang in there, I know how hard it is to be completely responsible for taking care of someone. It's hard not having someone to help.

Good luck

Is your husband big into statistics or studies? Maybe you can email or print out some information on being on the same page when it comes to discipline. Sometimes, seeing it from an "expert source" can help him realize what needs to be done.

Did you ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? There is a line in there that I just love- It goes something like the man is the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and the neck can turn the head any way it wants to. I think it's a matter of finding the way that will be most effective for you.

Hi M.,
I read your question and "so what happened" late as I was out of town for severasl days. I don't have much to add except to share my observation about my similar situation. I am not a SAHM, but do spend much more time with our 2 yr old and new baby than my husband does. My choice. What's happened is that I have learned how to calm, soothe, comfort, entertain, discipline, feed, bathe and it's sort of left my husband behind. So when he tries to help my over-tired 2 yr old, it's not so effective, and my son turns to me and my husband gives up. I'm sure it makes him feel bad when he struggles with the kids and they turn to me. Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel he's doing so little, but I know I contribute to that feeling somewhat. I think we both feel better when the kids spend alone time with Daddy, without me there. Then they can't turn to me for comfort and he can develop his own relationship style with the kids.

I'm not sure how your husband can think he is "in charge" - for several decades, men and women have enjoyed equality within marriage. If he thinks he is in charge of discipline, but he doesn't actually spend any time with your daughter, he needs a wake up call. Let him see what you're doing with your daughter. You are the one caring for her most of the time. If she is not listening to him, rather than say, "Do it this way..." I would intercede and tell the child what she is supposed to do in the way that you do it. Let him see what it is that you do with her that works. Why would he think that he is in charge of how you discipline when you are the primary caregiver? Perhaps take him along on a visit to the pediatrician and discuss discipline. However, if you are raising a child together, it would be good to discuss issues like rules and discipline together, and come up with a mutually agreeable plan.

Daddy needs to spend time with his daughter and learn for himself how to take care of her - even if its different from how you do. Communicating and sharing thoughts and ideas is a good idea but "teaching" your husband is not IMO. You can't control everything so step back and allow your husband and daughter to build a relationship. My husband gave my 3 yr old son a bath for the FIRST TIME yesterday...he also had to do some other things that he hasn't done b/c I am always there stepping in and doing it, but for personal reasons our life has changed a bit lately. I see how much more my son gravitates toward him already now and how we are 3 instead of 2 plus daddy. Treat him as an equal though, not as your child too, otherwise you are setting yourself up for some seriousl arguements and issues. I am not a SAHM. I work full time yet I was still doing the majority of "child care" and b/c of it my son only wanted me. Don't get me wrong, my husband tried to be as involved as possible but he was having a hard time breaking through my sons bond with me - even despite my HARDEST efforts to get some "me" time. Its hard on me, hard on my son and hard on my husband when we don't work together as a family unit and in order to do that that meant I couldn't have it all my way and had to let my husband fail and succeed on his own with my son. Even if I KNEW a way my husband was doing something - disciplining or whatever was going to create more of a problem - he HAD to work through it himself. Not easy to do but necessary. My suggestion is when things are not necessarily working out how you planned b/c he is doing it differently or whatever, then remove yourself from the situation...go out for a walk, take a long hot shower, go into another room and do something unrelated. One thing I've always said is PARENTING together is sooooooooo hard! But you have a husband, your daughter has a father and I'm sure once he is allowed to, he will rise up and figure it out and together you two will make it work...I don't think you have to 100% do everything the same BUT you DO have to back each other up and be a united front whether you agree or not (clearly, there are limitations and reasoning behind this and you or your husband should not be backed up by the other if you are harming a child - not suggesting you are but I can see OTHER people having comments about that - LOL!) - then when you two are alone discuss how it did or didn't work - not in front of your daughter b/c then she will learn how to manipulative you both. The way you are treating your husband in front of your daughter has an impact on how she treats him and vice versa, so consider that. If you are discounting your husbands input and way of doing things, then she will too. THIS IS SOOOO HARD to handle - believe me I know!

what do you mean he's "checked out?" Men like this really irritate me. I don't know why you don't confront him. Seems to be the only solution, unless you want to live like that your entire life.
Good luck.

You are not alone. I had a similar situation recently with my husband. when we talked about him being disconnected, we realized that it was because he was working so hard, and feeling underappreciated at work and at home. He was also constantly stressed about money and making ends meet in our household. It makes sense... we went from 2 incomes for 2 people to 1 income for 4 people. Our solution was to go to the bookstore together to choose a discipline book that we would both read and follow. I also started working part-time to take the financial pressure off. The key to working out your problems is communication. Good luck.

I am curious, when the decision came about to have a child did he feel he was doing you a favor by getting you pregnant? Everyone works a lot and that's not an excuse for being uninvolved. Why does he believe he's in charge of you? Just because he the one that works out of the home? Most men that don't listen are the divorced ones. My solution for him would to use the magic word "money" - threaten to get an assistant - not necessarily a live in just someone part time to give you a break, or threaten to work let him pay for the daycare expenses and you go to work and save up a "rainy day fund" There are very few ego maniacs that can handle not having control then he will have no control over where you are, who you talk to, what you spend your money on. Second, appeal to his ego that you thought he was happy/ proud to provide this kind of life style for his family, but now you can see that you are not being treated as an equal and the family is suffering for it. I say use the money card because it sounds like he looks at things from a financial standpoint but I would definitely get something going on your own unless you plan on putting up with him

My first reaction was... "Why are you still with this guy?" I apologize if that is mean or rude, because that is not my intention. I just don't get it. I mean, it sounds like he is rarely home, yet even when he is, he's not really there and a part of the family. Then you add in that he "thinks that he is in charge and what he says goes and that is that", and the he "like most men they refuse to listen to reason", it makes me wonder just what kind of relationship the two of you have and what is holding you together. I just can't comprehend it! Yes, my husband can be stubborn sometimes, but he is ALWAYS WILLING TO LISTEN to my opinion and how I feel. We manage to work it out. We are a family.

In my opinion, you need to find a way to get his attention and get him to listen you your wants and needs. You need to get him to become a part of the family. If that doesn't work, you may need to go through counseling. If he is still unwilling to bend, leave. Whatever you decide to do, think of yourself and your daughter. Do what you feel is in your best interest so that you and your daughter can live a happy life. Best Wishes!!!