What Is a Good Dad?

To be a good dad, he needs to be a good husband first. Go see the movie Fireproof. Don't make excuses about babysitters, cost, etc. GO SEE FIREPROOOF!

Then get him the book SOS! Help for Parents by Lynn Clark Ph.D. It's a really easy read, with cute cartoons, and it will tell him exactly how to be a great dad.

Good luck. At least his heart is in the right place; he's doing something. Help him do it better instead of stamping out his spirit!

Hi M.,

I'm glad that you were able to find an outlet to ask have your question discussed. I hope you've gotten some good answers. I have a very good husband, but I know that I often do not appreciate him like I should. I felt some of the same things that you do. He wasn't active enough and he didn't discipline the way I wanted him to (in my case he was too lenient in my opinion.)

I think you are one the right page by beginning within. You mentioned that you felt your dad was not a good example. Although, my example of a good dad is changing, when I was younger I did not think my dad was was a "good dad" because I hardly ever saw him. Sometimes that carries over to your expectations and the frustrations that you feel as you watch your husband fathering. I know it does for me. So when I see him doing "messing up" emotionally I am stressed because I am seeing what happened to me happen to my kids. This brings a lot of tension into the situation.

I think a good dad is someone who loves and values their children and trains them to reach their greatest potential.

Anyway, I have learned a loooootttt. Being a wife and mother is a growing process as is being a husband and a father.

1. Accept the love that they give. I learned to validate the truly good things that I see my husband doing by letting him know that I think he is good at it. I don't go overboard on it. That's not my personality. I may say honey, I could tell that the kids really enjoyed spending time with you the other day. They kept talking about it."

2. He has something different from me to bring. I am an expert on being my kids mothers. He is an expert on being their father. I may no agree on how he is doing something what He has something unique and important to give. Therefore I can't replace him and I need to give him room.

3. I'm not perfect as a mom, and he's not perfect as a dad. Dads make mistakes, they have the wrong philosophy on things but he can never get better if he does not practice. If I don't agree about something then after the inicident has happened we can discuss it. I may not say I didn't like it when you . . . that wasn't a good idea. I may say something like - I may discuss the behavior and say what do you think we need to do so that we can team up on this behavior and get it corrected. I don't want him telling me how to be a mom, so I won't tell him how to be a dad.

4. Also, we have learned to discuss our strategies for discipline when we are not disciplining. Even if we use different methods children understand that dads are different than moms and they need this.

5. Last one, I learned that it isn't my job to teach my husband to be a good father. I can support and encourage him on his journey but he has to do it. I can't spend all my time trying to get him to get a good father because I won't have time to be a the mom that I want him to be.

Hope this helps. You seem like a deeply thoughtful wife and mother. Your husband and children are fortunate to have someone so dedicated in their lives.

This is a great topic and I have enjoyed reading the many responses! My husband and I put up a united front in front of our kids (11, 9 and 5) -- Always! This is important because they will see a division and will react to it. When my husband and I are behind closed doors is when we discuss things that happened and why he may have overreacted. My husband seems to have learned a lot from my being patient with the kids and he in turn is learning the same thing. He now will sit with them and try to get to the bottom of things instead of just reacting. Now, don't get me wrong, because there are times he will revert back to the old way and will fly off the handle. I can't stand it when he does it and it breaks my heart because he reminds me of my father at that point and I can't stand what my father did to me as a child! Afterwards, we will discuss it, but whatever his punishment was, stands, because we are a united front!

As for your husband helping out around the house and helping with kids, etc. I think that every man is a work in progress. I am a SAHM who also Home schools our kids! Therefore I am with them 24/7 literally! Other moms may have a break because their kids or one kid may be at school, but I don't get that! I'm not complaining, but it is a fact of life for me and I am doing what God has asked me to do! As long as He leads me in that direction, I will follow Him! My husband totally supports the home school direction we have taken but he also has learned and I say learned, because he didn't realize for many years, that I AM with them 24/7 and need breaks! He now knows that when he comes home and nothing has been defrosted for dinner that it is time to call in a pizza! LOL! He also has learned that if the house is a mess that if he would take the kids away for 2 hours, that I can clean it from one end to the next and have a clean house when he returns! A book that really helped us is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My husband now knows that if he wants his physical touch love that he needs to give me my acts of service love, which means if he wants sex, he needs to pull out the vaccuum and then do the dishes!! LOL!! But it also works both ways, and I know that if I want the dishes done, he needs some physical touch!

My husband and I have also learned that since we have 3 children that giving them that extra special alone time with us is important. We try to schedule "dates" with our kids on a one on one basis. My husband will pick a child and then take them to town with him and they may stop at Dunkin Donuts and get a donut or something just so they can sit and talk. Even though that takes just one hour, our kids love it and they always ask when their turn is again. Also, since our daughter is 11 and is the only girl, I try to encourage her and her father to spend extra time together because she is getting to be in that pre-teen age and needs to have a good relationship with her father so that maybe she won't stray and do the things she shouldn't as a teenager.

I hope this helps and I wish you good luck. Also, keeping prayer in your marriage will also help! Keep up the good work and remember that God is on your side, He just needs you to ask Him for some help and He will!

What a great question! I should think it would be an excellent jumping off point for a discussion with your husband. When you compare your ideas, they may lead you right to the source of your frustration. You seem very open to trying to see things from more than just your own viewpoint, so that should help a lot.

Obviously, it's best to "be on the same page" as far as discipline is concerned, and to have discussed many scenarios ahead of time. (And to let the kids know ahead of time what's expected of them.) But life has a way of throwing us curve balls, every few minutes when you have little ones around!

I can't know what will work best for you, but here are some ideas. You could, when he's home, let your husband discipline in his own way, as long as the consequences are something you can deal with. I used to think that if we disciplined differently, the kids would be totally confused and we'd "ruin" them for life. But differences (not huge ones - we all have to find our comfort level) are what humans are all about, and the children will learn "Mommy doesn't mind if I have a snack between meals (or whatever example you choose), but Daddy does." As long as you basically agree, and agree about the big things, I should think it would be okay.

Do you and your husband communicate well enough to share discipline duties? You could agree beforehand to give each other a signal whenever something comes up with the kids. Something meaning, "I'm going to handle this one" or "You please deal with this one." Something we often do is check in with ea other prior to discussing whatever the issue is with the kids. (Mine are older now and don't always require an immediate response.) "How do you want to handle this?" Or, "This is the background behind this situation, and this is how I'd like to handle it. What do you think?" The kids will learn to wait a minute or two while their parents have a moment to themselves.

You could just let your husband do whatever he wants without interference, but I wouldn't recommend it because of the resentment that will build. You'll feel so much better once you and your husband have worked out a way to support each other. (I know women who would say, "You have to make him think it's his idea to change." Not always a bad idea. ;-)

As for the dad question, I should think he has one important quality up front: he already wants to be involved. Many dads just tune out and withdraw. I recently read a quote (it may even have been here, I'm not sure) that went something like, "The thing I remember more (than anything he said) is when my father would walk around the block with me." I think all children seek their parent's love and approval, and as they get older, they don't want to feel forgotten (even if, as teens, they act like they do!). Many things about "dads" are up for grabs - some may be known as "fun", some may be "strict", some dads talents lie in concrete things while others may be stronger at giving advice. All of it boils down to love, though.

Good luck as you move through this issue......and don't hesitate to seek out help.

I hate to say it but... my husband sounds like yours... I react the same way you do. I override because he has no idea what was going on. I am with kids all the time and he is not.
Good luck....

If you want your husband to be a good dad, you have got to stop overriding him with the kids. Many moms have felt the frustration you are expressing. Especially if you are the one who spends the most time with the kids, it is easy to feel like that makes you essentially the in-house expert on your family, and in some ways that might be true. But here's the thing. You get more practice at it than he does. If you continually deny him that practice when he shows the initiative, he is never going to learn to do things effectively with the kids. Eventually he's going to give up trying because every time you override him, you are telling him he can't handle it. He's going to get tired of that message. Not only will you be sending him that message, your kids will also be observing that mom steps in and overrides dad. In time you will completely undermine any respect they have for him, and that will go beyond just discipline. Then he really won't be a good dad because you have made it impossible for him to be effective.

So, yes, if he is in the process of disciplining the kids, you keep your mouth shut unless you are supporting the steps he is taking. And even if you don't like the punishment he has given, you enforce it. When you do this, you are showing the kids that you and your husband are united. This prevents them from pitting you against each other. Then, if you have a problem with something he has done or if you know something that he doesn't about the situation, you speak to him privately and quietly and kindly and express your concern or share with him your perspective, and have a discussion about it.

Keep praying about it together (and separately), and make time to talk together about it when you aren't in the middle of a disciplining situation. Make agreements together on how you will or won't do things; share with him what works for you and what doesn't. Work together; put each other first as husband and wife. If you will do these things, you will both be great parents, and your kids will benefit. Best of luck!

By the time I came on here to respond you had 45 responses. I usually read them to see if someone says what I want to say so I do not repeat, but with 45 responses I did not have time to do that. Please forgive me if you already had this advice.

As a manager I was trained on how to handle situations with subordinates. You never want to override authority in their presence. It gives them a sense of, "...if she doesn't respect his authority why should I?" A united front must be presented at all times. That does not mean that if you disagree you cannot talk to him privately and then go back and reassign a more thought out/fair punishment. All discussions/disputes/disagreements/debates must be conducted behind close doors.

When you are behind close doors you must take the role of the tender one (lowered voice with an understanding and respectful tone as well as a bit of flirtation). We ladies know how to get our way, with honey! Once he feels more included he will be more involved. If he is shocked and suspicious by the new you, just let him know that you had time to think about things and saw the error of your ways and want to do things differently.

If that does not work, there are always parent counseling to teach and support parents. You said that you and your husband pray together for a better/healthier family so counseling should not be a big deal. If it is just add "Honey".

Although we feel that the man should do the least and they act like they want praise, give it to them. Positively sewn will reap positively. Everyone needs a cheerleader. We as women get that from our girlfriends (..I know girl,....You go girl,...I know he didn't,....I know what you mean.) Would it be so bad for you to be his, (...Wow that looks great,....the kids really appreciated you doing that,...you are the best, I really needed the break,....wait until the kids go to bed so I can thank you properly for this..) You will see the change. Positively gets positively.

What is a good dad? Mine was not a stellar example either, so I just look for anyone that was opposite and that was my definition. Another person's identification of a good father is not necessarily going to match you situation. You have to be careful with that question. Your husband may not have the same DNA, employment, upbringing, wife, kids, support system, etc. that would allow him to act like someone else's husband or you would be married to that person or be that wife and have those kids. The blessings that you have is yours and the blessings that your family is, is yours and unique. You must treat it as such. Comparing is a very dangerous road to go down. Advice, support and counseling to enhance the beautiful family dynamic that makes it the "L" family is healthiest.

Good luck and God Bless
P.S. At least "He is trying and wants to."

Hi M.,
In our family, my husband is the leader. Period. What he says goes. If I have an issue with something, I discuss it with him outside of the kids ears. But in front of them, we are united and what daddy says goes. And he will back me up, so if I'm disciplining them and they smart off or don't do it, he steps in and says "You will respect your mother and do as she says". It's not perfect, but since I'm a SAHM, we believe he is the head of this family and he's the one who sets the rules.(Which we have discussed before hand) but to the kids, Daddy is it. If daddy says No then it's no. I do NOT go against that. Our kids are 7 &4 so they are small, but hopefully by them knowing early that we are together in all things, they will know that they can't get away with playing one against the other. If we have issues with something ones done we discuss it when alone. Then we'll correct anything we feel needs correcting.

Hope that helps some. It's kinda old fashioned I guess, but it works for us.

hugs,
WendyK

What an important topic!!
Ok, first off, he needs to be allowed to make mistakes and you need to give him room to do so. I used to correct my husband on his discipline techniques and seemingly lack of interest in the kids, BUT this is not the thing to do, at least not in front of the kids. And NOT when he is in the act of disciplining them. As a mom, you have spent more time with the kids than he has, but that's expected of us. His role is not identical to ours, it wasn't meant to be no matter what society tells us today. You said it correctly, we know our kids better than they do... but they are his kids too and he needs to connect with them. He needs to be given respect and understanding. Know that he loves his kids and wants the best for them too. If you are doing ALL the discipline you are overstepping his bounds. The kids need to respect his authority in the home. God places the husband as the head and the wife as his help. Yes, we do more of the grunt work, but God holds him responsible for the outcome. (Kind of nice knowing that we aren't responsible for every little detail, isn't it?) With that said, let him make mistakes. He won't go too far. I say that with faith because you said you have been praying about this TOGETHER. You didn't become the wonderful mother you are overnight. Don't expect that he'll get it all perfect right away either. That just isn't fair.
As far as him spending time with the kids, start with yourself. By that I mean, take some time off to yourself and do the things you like to do with your friends. Go out for coffee, a movie, shopping or whatever. This gives you time to revive and refresh to go at it again another day. It also helps you get back to being who you were when you two met and fell in love. I was personally surprised how much mom's night out helped my self esteem and boosted my love for my husband and kids. My husband and I began talking about things other than kids and bills again! It may take a few times out before you get past the guilty feeling of having fun without the kids, but it's worth it. My friends and I go out about once every six weeks. It's a small group of ladies that I go to church with. We have a blast! Mom's night out also puts dad in charge of everything while you are gone. He takes care of feeding the kids, entertaining them, and even putting them to bed. (From time to time Dad's need to see just how much we have on our plates. It's a real eye opener for them.)
Keep in mind that dad's need time away too. My husband has friends that he pals around with on occassion. They're all musicians. They usually meet at the local bluegrass jam or some coffee house and shoot the breeze as they play some old tune and tell jokes. (There's a lot of things to do that don't include drinking and bars.)
Above all, continue to pray over all of this. The Lord will show you where changes are needed. Go to the book of Proverbs and learn all you can about discipline and raising children. Read all you can in the Bible about the relationships between fathers and sons as well as mothers and their children. Today's society has really messed things up by portraying the home as a place where everything is done "fair and square". Everyone does equal amounts of every work in the home. No true headship is shown in t.v. families and the dads are always shown as bumbling idiots or uncaring, hardheaded souls.
Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family - www.focusonthefamily.org - has some wonderful advice for growing families. His books (and the Bible of course) have been a great help for my family.
I hope this encouraged you.

Sincerely,
L. C.

I'm happily married to my highschool sweetheart for 21yrs, a mother of 4: ages 20,20,16& 15, and now mother-in-law to one since Sept. 27, 2008. (One of my twins just got married to a fine, Christian young man. It's great watching them set their house in order.)

M.,
First, your transparency is so refreshing and the fact that are you seeking honest help is great. My husband is an amazing father. We use to be house parents at a home for troubled boys, and while we weren't perfect, we learned soooo much about good parenting. There are so many great books about parenting. At the top of my list would be "Shepherding a Child's Heart". It deals with the heart of the relationship you both have with your children and how to discipline based on the depth of your relationship. But, for practicality, let me give you some things you could implement now. First, both of you need to sit and established what you agree on when it comes to immediate consequences and rewards. Yes, you are with them all day, but he is the head of the house and you can support him better if you both agree on what will be done and when so that you won't conflict with his philosophy when it matters. The kids MUST see you are in agreement. Your authority and his are both important - not one more than the other. Make an age appropriate chart of positive behavior that will bring rewards and a chart of negative behaviors that will bring consequences. Let that stand as factual and in their lives and it will function well. You can even have immediate consquences so that when you are home with them, you can implement them fast. Dad should be made aware of what happened, but not discipline again. Instead, he can take some time to teach them after the storm settles. He can talk to them about what happened, what did they learn, maybe some scripture about it, but most of all, reinforce that he still loves them and pray with them. Second, he certainly needs to spend more quality time with them. If you make a chart of rewards for good behavior, those rewards should be based on quality activities with both of you, but especially him. Time at the park, playing ball in the back yard - those are things to do regardless. Rewarding behavior items could be - going out for an icecream with just daddy, working on a model car or a paint by number. These are his children and if he rolls his eyes a this, encourage him to take that time to introduce his kids to things he loves or loved to do as a kid. My husband plays legos, builds k'nex, colors, plays cards. Find what works but make it something they look forward to. It doesn't have to cost and should never be over the top. If discipline has to be administered, commit to doing it together and NOT in anger. This must be a part of your discussion. If either of you are angry, have the child wait in his room till you calm down. Then, let them see you are a united force. It is imperative that you both be mature about how you are going parent. This shouldn't be a "you against him". Your children need to see that you are together, completely committed to them to raise them to be productive. You both have the opportunity to change your family tree if your parents were effective. Don't repeat failure. Educate yourself on how to be better, but do it together. It will strengthen your marriage and make your children feel more secure. Remember that the word "discipline" means to train. Your children need training. They need life skills and lessons that they can use to mature them to make wise decisions in their lives. Every time they need discipline it's an opportunity to teach them about life and relationships. If you change your perspective about it, it may very well bring you and your hubby together and see this as an amazing time you have with your children. Also, what kind of bed time routine do you have? That is a great time to drive home the day. We have three boys - 17, 11 and 5. We have a routine of reading to them or singing, or both. Our 17 year old has obviously grown out of that, but our 11 year old still asks for songs!! Then we pray over them. We ask them what they want us to pray for. We reinforce who they are in Christ. They know what their names mean and we encourage them that they are so precious and that their lives have purpose. We use the events of the day to teach them how to make better choices, how to be a better friend, brother, son. We intentionally look for whatever we can to teach them about life. My 17 year old is in college and still at home and we still pray over him at night. He is soooo open with us and talks about his struggles, even the ones most kids keep from parents. We don't judge, but try very hard to let him be his own person and offer guidance. Our relationship with him is strong, but it's because we were adamant about building it over the years with great intention and purpose. You have an amazing opportunity - seize it with gusto and focus. Let me know how things turn out!! Good luck and I will pray for you.

Men, in general, feel that they 'deserve' accolades for every little thing they do.

That said, you don't want to be the 'authority' in the home, exclusively. God made it so that the father sets the tone and has 'authority' -- whether he EARNS it, or not. It's like 'kings' in other (and olden) countries -- even though someone else usually does the actual decision-making and is delegated as the direct authority over the people, NO ONE questions that the KING is still in command. If you're a more 'authoritative' personality, keep your juridiction(s) in order, but he's still the one 'in charge'.

I think you and he really need to go on a special date (maybe somewhere that you can yell if you need to! LOL) JUST to discuss what kind of parents you want to be and what kind of example you want to set. I'm sure HE wants to be a 'good dad', but chances are that he didn't have an ideal father, either, and is struggling with his own fatherhood image. A little understanding and encouragement goes a long way, on your part.

We lived beside my parents, and after we had 2 or 3 (of the 4) kids, my mom brought to my husband's attention that he was doing MOST of his disciplining around HIS bedtime -- when he was tired, impatient, grouchy and unreasonable. When he realized this, he made a commitment to GO TO BED when he started feeling like yelling at the kids or correcting them at that time of day. Made a HUGE difference in ALL our attitudes! (Kids are now 20, 23, 28, and 31 and still love Dad! LOL)

Good luck and God bless!

No one is a perfect parent, but there are many good parents both moms and dads. My husband is not perfect but is usually is a good dad. I made it clear when our first son was born that we are co-parents, neither of us has greater authority over the other. Sometimes all parents can get overwhelmed and overreact. They do need a "time-out" of their own and the other parent should step in. However, the best way to avoid this, be able to trust your husband's discipline, and teach your kids is to have established, predictable punishments. No matter who disciplines, everyone knows that a certain behavior receives a certain punishment. In our house punishments involve time-out and/or toy/privilege removal. No matter who's home or who out son goes to he receives the same punishment. Our time-out gives hims time to calm down and then he gets to explain, apologize, and possible receive more punishment by loss of a toy, no videos that day, or cancellation of an activity. Sit down with your husband, discuss what you think are proper punishments and listen to his. Discuss what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Then decide on your house rules. If your kids are old enough to read, put it in writing and hang it on the wall. Then everybody knows the rules and the consequences. As your kids get older you will have to sit down and re-evaluate the rules and adjust them as needed.
Your husband is a valuable resource for both you and your kids. Don't deny them his influence because of your own bad father and experiences. Even though my husband works and I'm a sahm I trust my husband to raise our children with or without me. When our first son was born we agreed that I deserved 1 day a week off. He works 5 days a week at his paying job, I work 7 days a week for no money. So we agreed that he'd work for money 5 days a week, and 1 day a week he'd do my job, so that I only "work" 6 days a week. I usually leave the house for most of the day. Visit with friends, shop, whatever. I scrapbook, so most of the time I go to my sister's and we scrap together. I'm home by dinner so we have the evening as a family just like when he works. Then he has a day for himself to get work around the house done or do his own thing out of the house. We've done this since the beginning (but it doesn't work out every weekend), and I know that my kids are just as cared for as when I'm there. I think this will let them feel like they know their dad (I'm grown and my dad is still mostly "my dad" but not a person to me, you know what I mean) and he will know them. Hopefully it will help them have a good relationship as adults too. Also it lets me relax a little, not just during my day off, but knowing that I have a true partner and real backup who can step in and take over if needed. If something were to happen to me, I know that their lives would suffer as little disruption as possible and hopefully this will help them get through it. After all, while my children are my whole world I know that I can not be theirs. Its not fair to them or to the other people who love them. They have to know that there are many people that they can love and trust and go to for help besides just me.

You should let your husband discipline them in his way and if it's not how you thought it should have been, take him aside, explain the situation and tell him how you think it should have been handled- away from the children. The two of you overriding eachother constantly with only create more problems with the children and in your marriage.

M.,
It sounds like you don't want to let go of the control in situations and accept the punishment your husband deems fit. If you continue to interfere with his discipline style he will eventually pull completely away from you and the children and probably resent them even more.

These are his kids too and he has a say in what happens since he is the "head of the family". I am a firm believer that if you don't show him respect they won't either. My late husband didn't discipline my son and showed me the type of respect regarding discipline that you are doing to your husband. After his death it has taken a couple of years for me to regain my sons respect for my authority and part of that process has come along because my fiance' and I agree on his punishments. I may not agree completely and my gut reaction may be different from his but I defer all of it to him. This allows me to take that stress off me and put the blame on him.

A good parent respects the other and backs them up in front of the kids. If you disagree with him do it away from the kids and ya'll come to an agreement from there. Your husband will rejoin your family when he's allowed to take part in all aspects of it not what you allow him to.

This may not have been what you wanted to hear but right now you are in the wrong morally and biblically. I would suggest a couple of books for you to read if you have time they have really help open my eyes on the male mind, "The Proper Care and Feeding of a Marriage" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband" by Dr. Laura Schlinsinger(think the spelling of last name is right). She basis her teachings and writings on biblical principles.

I hope everything starts coming together for ya'll soon.
B.

well i have to say you are a both wrong and right on this. dads parent different than moms thats just a fact. dads will throw the kids in the air ride bikes and toss a ball while mom is there to comfort snuggle and love. not that dad doesnt love too but you know what i mean. my soon to be hubby used to work 60+ hours a week i felt like he never saw us at all but if my daughter did something wrong you better believe i let him step in... (she listens to daddy anyway lol) so lighten up let him do some parenting he is prob. getting his feelings hurt by you stepping in every time if my hunny did that i would be very annoyed and hurt.

as for being a good dad... well i can tell you my hunny quit his 60+ hour job so he could be with us we knew we would struggle but we missed him so much and i have seen a huge change in the attitude in both of my girls. he is very supportive anything i need he is there and with a smile on his face. most of all its just that we know he lovers us and we love him. the cleaning and everything else is nothing compared to being loved and loving him. hope this helps and good luck!

You have received a lot of good responses to your question. I would just like to agree with some of the points that have been made: both you and your husband must be on the same page when it comes to discipline. It's complicated, and while each of you has a different style/temperament, you need to at least agree on what is acceptable/unacceptable behavior, and what the consequences should be.
I have a good husband, but at times I have taken him for granted. It's easy to start resenting someone when you feel like you may be doing a lot of work and never having a "break" but you have to really look at the big picture and count your blessings. I've had times where I was upset that my husband was playing with the kids and having a blast while I was making dinner or doing dishes. I was jealous that he could enjoy that time, and I had to keep working. Then when I realized how much that special time with Daddy meant to our children, I thought how selfish I was.
My husband is excellent about spending time with our children, but he does have much less patience when they start getting out of control. Our biggest difference in discipline is that I give the kids a warning, where as he is more likely to just snap, and say "that's it, you're losing -----priveleges" or if it's in the evening, he'll just try sending them to bed. It's always bad to try to step in and correct what he's doing, especially in front of the kids. Like I said, you need to decide on things beforehand.
Encourage your husband to spend play time with the children each day (even just 15 minutes.) It actually will have a positive effect on the children's behavior.
I also recommend the book "The Five Love Languages". We each show love for someone in different ways, as well as the way we expect to receive it.
Best wishes to you and your family.

i've got a littl eof that going on here too. My husband works and I stay home and work at night. I feel that he sometimes is trying to be the disciplinarian and I have explained that our son will grow up resenting and fearing him instead of loving him and wanting to spend time with him.

When we are just hanging out, he is better than when there are people around. it's like he has to show his might and power. It just makes him look like a butt. Kids don't respect that. They see the other side that he's not willing to get involved and that will make his strictness seem like a joke.

I dont really have any advice since I've got it going on here too. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Hope you get some good advice. I've recently started seeing a counselor about various things but one is my husband. So i'll let you know if there are any future insights :)

M.,

i usually don't respond when a person has received alot of responses but I felt that I had to echo the sentiment of the ladies who said that a united front in front of the kids is paramount in parenting. If you always intercede, eventually it will become a power struggle and nobody wins. Discussion behind closed doors, away from the children is the appropriate way to go. I also agree that families and situations are unique and comparing "good dads" can lead you down a treacherous road. Work together on building what you have and support your husband and above all compromise if it is not to the detriment of your kids.... its ok for them to sometimes receive "unfair" punishment because as cliche' as it sounds, "life isn't always fair" and that is a lot easier to experience in the real world when they are grown, if they have had exposure in childhood. That's my two cents for what is worth.

K. C

Hi M.,
I pretty much grew up without a dad around, so I understand where you are coming from. However, I really hit the jackpot with my husband. He is a great dad. He is attentive, loving, and caring to both our son and myself. He always helps with my son and has been right on spot from the day my son was born. We try to keep it simple around the house- he has assigned duties, and so do I. I do laundry (mountains!), he does the yard and the trash. When we clean the house, we pick a day and get it done together. We take turns on bathtime, cooking, and diaper changes. Sometimes he would rather watch football than do what needs to be done, but I am full-time working mom, and I don't have time or patience for excuses-LOL. Once these things are out of the way, we usually do things with our son together- go to the park, go to the grocery store, play, etc.
As for discipline, most of the time if my hubby starts it, he finishes it and vice versa. Our motto is this- You have to choose your battles, and when you do, you carry through. Stepping in would only cause mixed messages and confusion, and is disrespectful. If I have something to say about how he handled a situation, I say it after the fact when my son isn't around, and we then agree upon what should be done next time. We have our discipline methods we agreed upon and we try to stick to them if at all possible. This way, our son knows the consequences of his actions regardless of who is doing the disciplining.
Its obvious you are a great mom and want what is best for your family. The key is to communicate effectively, I think, and to always be respectful to each other- we make sure to say "please", "thank you", and "you're welcome" for anything done for each other. It amazes me the things (good and bad) that kids will pick up on. Recently, our 2 yr old son has started saying please, thank you for things we do for him without being prompted. He even came out with a "bless you, Mama" after I sneezed yesterday! It really made my day! :)

Well, M. where to begin? I agree you know the kids, and men do tend to fly off the handle before they know what's going on, you can see it in the kids face "Daddy what I do?" they don't understand why daddy is mad, he just got home in the 2 or 3 hours they see him a night why is he always yelling.They don't really pay attention to the kids,"yeah kids, sure" or yells at them, while glued to the t.v. or his cell. The kids seem an inconvenience to him, like he would be baby sitting if he were left in charge, he never is, and never has been. Never got up in the early morning with them as babies never gave mom a break,Our husbands may have some bad habits in common!Had it not been for my Mom I would have never got any time, she took my son every Tuesday, I got to sleep or do whatever I wanted. My son, in 3 mowill be 4, and his dad feels it a chore to spend time with him, an example: my mom stays with us as his Nanny so we can both work now, IF she goes anywhere she takes him, my husband won't & don't, he never has any time with my son I don't get it, he should enjoy that precious time like my mom and I do. I think he is missing out I really feel one day he will have BIG REGRETS our son will repay him for this selfishness,he may not have any time for the old man ect.. I don't think your wrong but,it isn't good to downplay him in front of the kids for several reasons they kids play you guys against each other and he feels disrespected of course your really just being honest but will any dad admit they are lacking really? They all think they are just great! However, any Dad who thinks it's a job, feels inconvenienced, feels his family should be grateful he shows up, hangs out, ect..considers watching his child babysitting IS missing out on the best feeling in the world the best times he could have... having fun with your kids listening to what they say how they think, feel it's so awesome these dad who can't be bothered I really don't feel sorry for them, but the ones who really Lose are the kids, missing out on dads enjoying them in thier live. SAD but TRUE thats my input hope it helps. and won't sound harsh or bashing

you and your husband should talk away from the ears of the kids, just what his role should be and how he should handle the situations. You should never in front of the children take their side, (this is respecting your husband)because they learn how to play you against the father. He should find time also to interact with the children, other than punishment time. Good luck.

It seems to me a good dad should be able to discipline his kids and a good mom would NOT intervene.

I often feel that my husband is too hard on the kids and overreacts - he gets loud and sometimes gets upset about the small stuff. However, most of the time I will let him say what he wants and later we discuss it, not in front of the children. I will let him know that I think he was overreacting and then tell him why. I don't tell him how to discipline or respond - because I know if he tried to tell me how to care for a sick child, clean the kitchen, do laundry, coordinate schedules, etc I would get upset. Different parenting styles don't mean one is right and one is wrong. I'm amazed at how children learn to respond to different types of discipline. They know what to expect and how to respond - it's really quite amazing.
Now - your husband does need to be sure he's stepping in for the fun stuff too - not just the discipline - or they won't have the fun memories with him.

My husband is a good dad who is very involved with the kids. Our oldest are grown now and they ask for his advice. He plays with the youngest one. Throughout the last 26 years, he has been there to help with diapers, meals, scraped knees, and anything else.

But he does discipline them and sometimes I don't agree with him. There was a time, when my older boys were in their teens, that they felt they couldn't go to him because he might lecture. This is also part of being a dad. Dads are just different than moms.

My number one rule for myself is not to contradict my husband in terms of discipline. Not in front of the kids. If I think he was too heavy-handed, I talk to him later when we're alone. And I do it with a soft voice, not yelling, so that he actually listens.

Moms and dads really are different and we have to live with those differences. He used to toss them up in the air sometimes when they were little. (I hid my eyes and prayed when he did that.) When they were winding down for the night he would rile them up again. When each boy turned 12 or 13--or even younger, as far as I know--he would let them help him with the driving. (I always found out after the fact.) And he still lectures. But they're used to it.

Your husband needs to be involved with the kids. That means that, no matter how difficult it is, you must sometimes step back and let him parent the way that comes naturally to him. The kids will survive, and thrive in his love, and your family will be even closer.

We play that game at my house as did my mom and dad. My husband however is a great dad. He knows just as much as I do about our daughter and he spends the same amount of time with her as I do. When I came home from work last night she was the princess and he was the prince. I know for a fact he would have rather been doing something else but he puts her needs first most of the time with the exception of Sunday for five hours during football.

Your husband needs to be involved in disciplining your kids.I would talk about what is appropriate discipline beforehand, but you can't do everything.Who wants to be the bad guy all the time?Let him step in....if not, neither you or your kids will respect him in the long run.

I guess the main thing I will say is that you need to remember that the kids are just as much his as yours. He has just as much right to disicipline your kids. How would you feel if every time you disiciplined the kids he told you you did it wrong and this is how it should be done. I understand where you are coming from somewhat. My husband goes on 7 month deployments and then will come home and tell me how I should have punished the kids differently. He thinks I should be harder yet some family members from the outside think I am too hard. Whose right?

I don't know if I have the answer you are looking for, but I'll try to help. My husband and I have two young daughters, 3yrs and 7mos. We both work full-time about 50hrs a week, and we both share responsibilites with the girls. He takes care of them in the morning (I leave for work at 6am) and takes them to the babysitter, and I pick them up in the evening, give them dinner and get them ready for bed. We work opposite schedules, but it is working for us for the time being. Aside from discipline, does your husband share in any other responsibilities? Perhaps he could take over one or two daily duties, something that would fit in with his schedule? It could be simple as making sure they brush their teeth, help them clean their room or bedtime stories.

I hope this help, ans I hope he is willing to meet you halfway!

I feel your pain :) I told my husband the other day, "you don't have the right to lose your patience with these kids." I said that because he maybe sees them 2 hours a day (if we're lucky) which isn't his fault, but more than half of that is spent bickering at them, or losing his temper. He thinks a hug and kiss at night will make up for it, but I spend all day every day for 4 YEARS/2 YEARS with these two boys and even though it takes a lot not to lose my patience, I do a much better job of it 24 hours a day than he can manage in 2, so it's frustrating, I know. I'm a strong believer in that it's better for your kids to RESPECT you, not FEAR you.
When it comes to discipline, my husband and I are on the same page. He can't fly off the handle and do something that I don't agree with because we sit down together and decide step by step consistent discipline. time out, no treats, extra chores, we're always on the same page. He should respect what you know about the kids, but I do think you shouldn't correct him in front of the kids, either.
good luck, some women could go on for hours about this one, I'm one of them :)

You two need to sit down and form a plan for disciplining the kids. You HAVE to be a united front. And you have to communicate with each other. Maybe discuss things before dealing with the kids' misdeeds. You're lucky that your hubby wants to have authority and responsibility (as he should!), but you cannot override him like that. It confuses the kids. My dad used to dole out the bad punishments (although it was never very harsh), but my mom was good at everyday, all-day-long stuff like when my sister and I would fight. She was fabulous at "the look." Anyway, your husband sounds like he wants to be a good, involved dad. Let him be! He has to do things in his own dad way- whether he falls flat on his face occasionally or not. It's important not to criticize his parenting too much or he may become frustrated and withdrawn. The most important thing is to let him be involved! Good luck!

I think that it's really important to your kids for you and your husband to present a united front, especially when it comes to discipline. Otherwise, they will learn to "divide and conquer," which isn't good for you or your marriage.

I understand what you feel like since you're there all day; that's the case with me, too. But my husband and I talk about how we want to discipline, and more important, what our overall goals for our kids are. You mentioned you guys pray together about it; if you are a Christian couple, I'd highly recommend a book called "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp. It's the best book on parenting I've read. My husband and I both read it, and it helped us be on the same page when it comes to WHY we're disciplining our kids (ie, to help them grow and mature, and not just for our convenience or to behave in a way that impresses others). I hear a lot of frustration and anger in your "voice" when it comes to your husband's lack of participation. However difficult it might be, it might be a good idea to be honest with your husband about it. I don't know about you, but when I'm harboring a lot of feelings like that, it just comes out in other ways. He may be gone during the day, but if he can dedicate himself to spending time with you and with the kids between the time he gets home from work and when the kids go to bed. We sometimes have a hard time with that, too, but it may look like: not getting on the computer, eating dinner together, having dad head up bath time or reading stories, even watching sports together or something if that's important to your family and depending on how old your kids are. Our kids go to bed at 7 (they are 18 mo and 8 weeks), so we have the whole evening to do our own thing or hang out together. We're trying to make the time when the kids are still up more focused on the family. We don't have it down perfectly, either, but we're trying. Sometimes having a common goal is a big part of the solution.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling. I have some other resources if you want to email me. I hope that you guys are able to work this out. :)

I think all moms can relate to your dilemma because we do tend to know our children well. A good dad is one who is present and tries to participate. What you need to recognize is you both have valid points. The problem you're running into is your trying to reconcile those points in the moment and in front of the children. The time to address your differences is when you are both calm and alone with time to talk. You need to recognize your common goal in raising healthy, well-adjusted (disciplined) children and be able to step back and see what each one of you is doing that moves you toward or away from that goal.

It sounds like your husband doesn't know exactly how he fits in. If he can't do it exactly right it may discourage him from even trying. He needs to have a role that is distinctly his. When my kids were younger and I worked in the evenings, my husband took on the bedtime duties. That became the routine even when I stopped working. He and the kids were able to spend time together without my involvement and I got a bit of a break. Is there something you can release to him that he can make truly his? It will help him connect and know his children better and take some thing off your plate.

AHHHH, what a great topic!

Men are actually more and more going into depression these days b/c so much attention in the last several decades has been on women impowerment. The roles of men and women have changed so much and women have support (AKA this website), most men don't and are lost as to what they are supposed to do and be like with no role models. A great book I bought lately to read for our marriage issues (mostly my nagging!) and his just... well I won't nag! But anyway my husband actually picked it up first and read it all. It really helped me to understand more of men and women's differences. I think it would be very good for you to both look at: Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always need More Shoes by Barbara and Allan Pease They are married and do seminars together.

Now, I am in the SAME boat. My hubby is a great guy, I know it, but I have to constantly remind myself of that b/c he is never living up to my expectations. I too have a not so great dad, which is why I think I am constantly putting my husband in check hoping (unliike my mom) to not let it get worse. I could blab on and on, but in response to your post...

1.) You can not listen to some of these posts and future ones about how great there husbands are. It will only make you feel worse about your situation. If you are like me and expect a lot, he will never live up to all your expectations thus leaving you constantly let down. Instead you need to live in the momment, appreciate what you have, and let some things go when he is driving you crazy. :) (I need to take my own advice here, which isn't easy I know!)

2.) Disciplining: A couple things, the most important- you CAN NOT jump in when he is disciplining them. You completely undermine his importance in the family. Internally you are teaching your kids that nothing he says matters and to always ignore him b/c you are really the boss. So, like your first post said. You should both come up with something together that you agree on that you will impliment. If he slips and doesn't follow it next time, don't say in the momment in front of the kids "honey, remember what we discussed?". Instead right after once the kids are out of ear shot, remind him nicely of what you prepared. (Even though it is so frustrating, he is human and needs practice getting better.)

Good luck! As I say I am constantly frustrated with my hubby's couch time and always being checked out!! I do it all and am underappreciated etc. But, I have to remember that sometims men just don't know how to get better and unfortunately (like for our dads) they have had no really good role models to show them how either. As much as new moms have no idea what to do, men don't know either.

Amanda

Hi M.:
I don't think you need much more of advice because you have great ones in here. I read them all and I can tell you that I clearly see myself trough your question and through the year the many different answers. I know and been dating my husband from about 22 yrs now. I am 36 yrs all and we have 3 wonderful children’s. I only wish that I would have been able to have all this advice before because I can tell you "it took lot of good times, love .....". It is hard sometime for us to make them understand when the truth is than means are a different kind. They do not think and act the same ways we do as a woman. Take what is given to you unconditionally and the same way give back "unconditionally" and you will see that he will change. One think I can tell you from personal experiences is that positive reinforcement works better than always be remaining to him what is not there, or what he in not giving instead or what he is given. You might feel frustrate from time to time, you might brake down from time to time but it will get better. Walk away if you have to, find something to do, someone to talk to...... but the end result is sooooooooooooooo rewarding. I still have a long way to go but I am happier to face anything now. I have will have a 3 yrs old daughter in the next few days and a 7 and 11 yrs old sons. I am married for 13 blessing year. Good luck and God bless you.
D..

M.-

I think the bigger question is how can you and your husband be the best parents they can be. It sounds like you try really hard and you probably know the kids better than your husband, but interfering with his parenting will only make him back away from the kids more and reinforce that you are the parent and he is just a man living in your home. My husband is a great dad, but he is more strict than I am. I sometimes have to bite my tongue, becuase I would have not insisted he get dressed right away, but would have given a 15 minute window, as an example. Unless it is a matter of emergency, do not undermine your husband in front of the children. My husband and I play the "what if" game sometimes to feel each other out, and when I disagree with his parenting, I sometimes talk to him about it afterwards when we are not in the heat of the moment.

I recommend parenting classes or counseling. You need to work as a team, because you have a lot of years ahead!! My husband and I went to a class at our church and it was very helpful.

As much as I hate to admit it, I've had my moments where I have been the harsh one. Most of the time, my husband isn't there to butt in and I would have been furious (at the time) if he had been. There have been a few times I've even had to admit I did the same thing I have called him down on.

I think my husband is a good dad. I didn't grow up with a father in my life, so I am learning as well. I think that you are taking the first step by praying about it together. Every family is different and everyone expects different things. The important thing is to find out what works for your family. Sitting down and talking about it and working through it is the best place to begin. Since you are with your children more you do feel like you know them better, but you also have to give your husband some slack. My husband loves our children and me and I think that helps him be a good dad. He doesn't always do things like I think they should be done, but I try not to step into the situation. If I don't like the way he disciplined our children, I talk with him after the situation (without the children around)to see what I think would have been a better way, why he handled it the way he did, and how we can make some compromises next time. Often times, I missed part of what happened and he had a good reason to handle it the way he did. I would seek to encourage each other. You don't have to overly praise him when he helps out. Let him know what you need him to do. A lot of times men don't see the things we think needs to be done so let him know without nagging. If he loves your children, then he is seeking to be a good day.

Hope these words offer some support!

I think that your experience is the same for a-lot of families. I've come to the realization that this may be a gender issue. While not all men react "quickly" and without all of the facts, it sure seems like it happens mostly with men. It is certainly more difficult for the Dads that I know to maintain patience in all aspects of parenting. I tell you what helps me and my husband to have a more equal partnership.... He keeps our son 3 days a week, by himself, for 6-8 hours at a time. Now this is due to our situation of not having family, a GOOD sitting service or enough money to afford the best daycare. But, it still allows him to have a true understanding of what the child does/goes through on a daily basis. And, through trial and error, he has learned to be more patient and less reactive when he(Daddy) doesn't get his way. In that respect, sometimes it like we have an extra child...lol. I have also had to let go of being the one who gets her way in the discipline department. While we are getting closer in our thinking there are still differences. I am certainly more willing to do it his way now because I know that he is a full participator even if he doesn't always do it without seeming grumpy. I'm not sure if Dad will ever be able to 'help' without acting as if he's put out. But...he's helping! Perhaps you could have one day where you get a day off(lol) and he keeps the children all on his on and on his terms. I'm sure that after a couple of weeks of complete frustration and a bit of turmoil because Mom is not in charge... things will even out. He has to learn and make his on mistakes if you want him to be more involved and you have to let him. He will get a better understanding of what it is you do everyday and will probably come to appreciate his job a-lot more, as well as you. He does deserve a chance to be a total father and will be more willing to be there if he knows that his input, no matter how misguided, is taken seriously. When you override him... you send a signal to him and your kids that he is really not that important. This is something that will only come to haunt you in the long run and will certainly make Dad more angry when the kids don't listen to him as readily as they listen to you. I hope you two can put aside the 'control' long enough to really listen to one another and try and work together. It is very hard, I know. But, it is doable. Good luck with your family... and with your relationship. Maybe you guys could also make a date night so that the two of you can reconnect without the kids. A huge necessity in your marriage, as you are still husband and wife and not just Mom and Dad. Sounds like your hearts are in the right place and that is a great first step!

Hi M.,

What a great question! I think a good dad is one who provides for the family and is supportive of you as his wife and the mother of his kids. He treats his wife with respect and love openly around the children. In regards to his children, I think this just depends on temperament. There are some dads who can't wait to come home at night to play with and interact with their kids. There are a lot of dads who seek "cave time" to regroup before entering into the family after being at work. I believe that most of the time it's the mama who creates the family culture and ways that a dad can "plug into" family life. Making sure your family is eating dinner at least 3 times each week. Make dinner special by lighting a candle, having the kids set the dishes, etc. on the table. The best part of the meal should be the discussion. Take turns telling about your day. Have a "silly question of the night" - like, "if you were a super hero, what would be your superpower?" Memories for the kids are made by the simple routines that happen every day in their lives. Maybe after dinner it's a special story time with dad or have dad be in charge of bath time. Weekends can be set up so everyone has a list of chores to do together, maybe there's always a hike or a walk or a bike ride together. We've created "family night." Every Friday we get a movie from the library that's a good family film, have dinner, and make brownies. The kids love it and it's a great time for all of us to do something together we enjoy. In regards to the discipline, you know you definitely can't undermine his discipline. Your kids have a different relationship with him then they do with you. They will have to get to know how dad does things. Maybe there's a parenting book you could ask him to read (I like Negotiation Generation by Lynne Reeves Griffin) and ask him to talk about the strategies with you together. It's really key for you and your husband to look like a united front for the kids. The stronger you are, the less likely the kids will find your weak points as they get older. Hope this helps!!

R.
http://www.noblemother.com

Are you a SAHM? Are you with the children all the time? I know when my children were growing up I was fearful that my husband was too hard on our children, but in retrospect he was great. We both worked outside the home. It is just the nature of men to seem preoccupied and want to do things on their time tables. He was like that also. I realize now that he was just a "man". You must realize that he is the father and you are the mother. You have begun the right process by praying about it. My family are church goers and that has a huge impact on the American family. You have to shed the "I" attitude and the thinking that you are the better of the two in discipling. People have different ways and no two people are alike. The worst thing you can do is over ride him in front of them. You should put up a united front and talk about this in private. The children will learn not to respect either of you if the two of you are arguing about their discipline in front of them. It is a long road raising children and you will agree and disagree and many times agree to disagree. Your husband will not respect you if you don't respect him. Try a little compromise instead of thinking you are the "best" he is in this family also. And for the record my children are 28 and 30 and have grown up in a home of love and turned out just fine. Not to say there weren't trials but with a good foundation these can be overcome. I have been married for almost 33 years. Hope this helps.

Hi M.
I can see this from both sides. He should read your post to know that you see his side as well :) This sounds like a tough situation. I don't have any background for what I'm posting, but to me, reading your post, it sounds like the communication between you two is not on the same page when it comes to discipline. What little I can offer is to sit down with your husband when it's quiet and no one is frustrated and talk about or write down what discipline means to each of you and how each of you would like to carry out that discipline. Maybe there are some similarities that are just brought out in a different way. He should have a part in the discipline process and you should also have a break from it. I'm sure it can't be fun to be that person a majority of the time, especially when your home with the kids all day.
Take what you can from this post and leave the rest.
Good luck and email me if you need anything ____@____.com
P.

You and your husband need to find out the definition of a good dad together. Don't be the one telling him what to do, or it will come back to bite you big time. Don't act as his mommy, but instead know that you are a team parenting the child. I'm sure there are great books, but personally I would find a good mentor, someone whom you both look up to, whether it be a pastor, counselor, etc. It is hard to parent kids, no doubt. I have a 6 and 9 yr old, and we have learned that we are the team, and it is our responsibility to make sure they are good citizens.

M.,
Consider going to a marriage counselor. It sounds like you all have parenting issues that you need to resolve. It sounds like you are not parenting as a team. My husband and I talk things out and decide together what the consequences for negative behavior in the kids will be. When you have to talk it out first no one reacts in anger and most of the anger toward your child ends up vented at your spouse and not vented at your child. This did not happen over night. It took time for us to learn to parent as a team.
S.

Hi M., looks like you've got a lot of support here on this topic. I just wanted to add that I think my husband is a good dad, but he has alot of the same issues that you describe. We are talking about it more. I can't seem to make him 'want' or to initiate spending time with the kids, or 'want' to help take care of them, although he does a good job when I initiate it. He still looks at it all as work and there is resistance, which makes me a bit hard to get along with about it. I'll be interested to hear your responses...

When my husband and I were first together we decided that we would have an united front with the children. Sometimes this was very hard because he always reacted first then asked questions later. (This was his fathers method,his real mom died when he was 4. His dad remarried when he was 10). Whenever we had an issue that we did not agree on or that I felt he was overly strict on we would sit down and talk about it. I would say my thoughts on the issue and he would say his. Sometimes a punishment he handed out was not feasible. EX. the oldest child (age 2 at the time)would not pick up his toys. My husband said he could have no toys for 2 weeks. Since I was working at the time and he would go to a sitters he would have toys not to mention that he did not understand being grounded. When I explained this to my husband later he laughed at himself for being so angry and said that he had a rough day at work and over reacted when he walked in to see toys all over the floor and jr. refusing to pick up. We also set house rules which change over the years due to childrens ages and interest. Communicating is the most important thing along with respect for each other. You don't say if you are a SAHM or not.
A good dad provides for his family. In todays economy if dad can do that alone you are truly blessed. Even if you work outside the home you still have to have a balance in the home. Right now I stay home to homeschool our children. I have worked in the past while I homeschooled. I worked evenings so my husband was home with the kids all evening. I would try to have dinner started for him or in the crockpot so he did not have to do anything except serve it. My husband felt if I was home all day then I could make sure the house was picked up and straight before he came home. Also that dinner was at least started. I agree especially if he had worked longer that his regular 8 hour shift. Think how you would feel if you worked all day and came home to a house that was a mess and no sign of an evening meal. My husband does cook sometimes and he will help clean up or do what ever I ask him to do. I try not to ask if I know he has had a rough day or a long day. If your husband is interested in the kids activities, how your day has gone, and offers to help even if its a small thing then he is probably being a good dad. You mentioned that you have been praying together, that too is a wonderful thing. If you attend a church together see if they have a fathers group or a family group. Some churches where I used to live had a fathers with children activity to every so often. Or a family outing to do together. Also maybe you could find a father or grandfather figure to mentor your husband. Someone that he could talk with about his feelings or things going on. We can all learn from each other if we are open to it. Good Luck

Hi, M.. I think I understand what you may be going through. The thing that comes to my mind is that you may have to relinquish some control in order to allow him to grow as a parent. It is not a point system or any type of contest. I am sure that you are not treating it like one, but great parents are noot just hatched overnight; as with doing anything else in life it requires a learning curve.
My husband is a phenomenol husband and father, and sometimes he does or says things that I do not agree with. First of all, you have to step back and allow and encourage your husband to let the kids know how much he loves them. The base for all discipline should be love, so your husband needs to take time to just love the children. That would be key to beginning ot solve this issue.
Secondly, you have to realize that no matter how great a parent is, it still requires constant work from both parties. If you need to speak with him about a decision that he has made that you do not agree with, go into your bedroom and talk about it behind closed doors. You have to exercise just as much patience as him. You two need to sit down and decide together what your paremeters for discipline are in your home. Rather than assigning guilt or responsibilities, both agree on what is acceptable behavior and what requires discipline, and then agree on what discipline is appropriate for the specific bahavior and also that if one parent is having an issue with one of the children, the other one will only step in to back up the 1st parent. If you love each other, show it and back each other. Show love, exercise love, practice love, and speak love. Especially in front of the children.
The bottom line is that you have to work together, just as in your marriage. Those children need to know that heir dad loves them, and they need to see mommy and daddy working together on a daily basis.
You may need to have an open mind and heart goping into this, but it will get easier, and you'll aooreciate having help as the queen of your domain!

Just my 2 cents-good luck!

The way I tried to help my husband understand was to put him in the situation. I asked him if he did something wrong at work, would he like it if his boss started yelling at him or would he rather his boss speak to him and explain how things needed to be done differently. We are the authority in our children's lives and responsible for discipline. Discipline means teaching, not just punishment. We teach them respect also by respecting them too. I hope you find ways to improve the situation in your family.

Hello M.,

First things First you can not disregard what your husband says in front of your children. That will teach them that it is okay to disregard what dad says, and will make it harder from the children and their father to have a good relationship. I definetly understand where you are coming from as far as not having a good dad growing up, and of course we long for that relationship for our children. This same situation haunted me for a long time unitl I finally let God heal me. Sometimes we excpect someone to be everything someone else was'nt. To me a good dad is someone who put his family before himself. Someone who goes to work not because they want to but because they want the very best for their family. Someone who has had a long day at work and comes home and ask how his children day went. Someone who takes sometime to learn what interest his children, and then supports that. But most important is LOVE, LOVE never fails it is patient and kind it is longsuffering. So while you are suffering long with your husband be patient teach him and do not critize him. Im sure just like you have had no good dad there are also issue from his past so encourage him. Appreciate the small efforts and continue to work on new one!! He does'nt sound that bad, he sounds like a work in progress!
Best Wishes!

It is hard to answer this question w/ out knowing you or your husband personally or knowing more detail. First knowing that you did not have a good dad tells me that you want that good dad even more for your kids. Also that you are more critical of a dad in general. I did not have a good dad either. I feel that it creates problems for the family, spouse, and ultimately the child forever. I can say that my husband is a good dad. I can tell you how he is a good dad and maybe you can get some insight from that. One thing that my husband and I always, always do is communicate. We always take each other's side in front of hte kids and if we do disagree, we don't do it in front of them. During the day if anything of any importance, obedience issues, etc happens, I call my husband (in private) and let him know what he thinks and what I think. That way he is aware of what has happened before he gets home and get thrust into the situation w/ out any prior knowledge. If the children do something in front of him, he handles it. Rarely do I disagree with his way of handling it but if I do, I will say, "son, go to your room for a minute while your father and I discuss what we want to do about this" then we will go to another room and discuss it. If we disagree, we find a way to meet in the middle. We have very similar parenting skills so that helps. I think that you and your husband need to sit down, privately, and discuss your concerns and his concerns with you. You could literally tell him what you said in this email and that is a good start to the conversation. He needs to know how you feel and you need to know how he feels. It is BOTH of you who need to discipline and both of you need to agree in front of the kids. When you disagree in front of them, it causes the children to lose respect. My father used to tell my mother, "you are wrong, this is what they are going to do"....that is wrong. He should have never said that b/c we eventually would also tell her she is wrong. Ultimately you want the same things for your children. You do not get more right to discipline just b/c you are with them more. Most moms are. I am a SAHM and I do not expect any more right to discipline than my husband has. One example was today. Our 5 yr old was tired. He never takes naps anymore but since he was tired, he should be able to sleep. The problem is that he didn't go to sleep until 2:30 and I knew he would not want to go to bed tonight. My husband is the one who puts him to bed so I respected him enough to call him and let him know our son was sleeping and would he like me to wake him at a specific time or let him sleep? I could have easily made that decision myself but that would be disrespectful to let our son sleep until 5pm and my husband have to fight him to go to bed later. Lastly, good dad is one that cares. One who helps the mom and stands behind the mom as she is taking care of the children and household. My husband takes one child from the moment he gets home. Not one in particular but he knows that we have two children and when he gets home, he helps. If I brush one child's teeth, he brushes the other. If I am putting one child's jammies on, or putting one child to bed, he will do the other. When he goes to the store, he takes our son along. Every moment is a teaching moment and a time to make memories. I remember even small things like grocery shopping with my grandfather. Our son looks up to my husband and every little moment together is important. An example of us maybe not agreeing on a topic but yet agreeing for the sake of the children.....when I grew up, my father made us clear our plate even if we hated it. To this day, I clear my plate, it is not healthy to eat so much if you are full. My husband will tell our children to eat what is on their plate. They will say they are full or they do not like what he has made.....I then will interject and say, "how about if they eat half of their plate and don't get dessert" or "well, we both know that everyone's taste buds are different and if they truly don't like it, maybe they can double up on the other veggie" and he will agree. That is meeting half way and there is no reason to fight the other. Another example is that our son was put to bed, he got up 5 mins later. My husband told him to go to bed and I said, "I tell you what, you can sit here with us and watch the debate, not something you want to do, but if you sit here and pay attn, you can stay up 15 more mins" my husband did not argue. I think that if you and your husband's relationship is not that compatible that you can blend in these ways, you really need to discuss these things with him. Do not judge him, do you accuse him, tell him your thoughts and give him the respect to hear his thoughts. He feels as strongly about his feelings as you do. Try to find a happy medium...do not discuss issues in front of your kids.

good luck, W.

Im not married but have a 3 year old boy. The father is not in the picture at all and Im now trying to date but find it hard to decide how the discipline should work in this new relationship especially the child not being his.

The man Im dating is so great with my son but Im not sure myself where the line should be drawn when it comes to disciplining him. IF I want him and I to do this together I have to let him also take part in that for then the child plays between the two parents. I think the parents should discuss how they should both handle situations so the child or children both know that both parents are equal and they cant run to the other because one is softer and will give in.
If there are any single moms batteling my situation please help. I dont like the idea of someone else spanking my child or yelling at him but then again I have no patience and would like a break of it. I know ,I know its a catch 22.

But I do strongly believe both parents need to agree on all discipling measures for the child sake.Your partner should back you up, and let the child see both if you are in agreement so the child knows when one says no the other does too. Ive been a single mom for 3 years and have done things my way, now I feel its hard for someone to step in and do it some other way than mine. So I do understand how the M. feels about she rather just do all the disciplining herself for she feels she does it better but then again would like the father to step up but just do it her way. Its crazy . Woman just know !! :) HA.

Hi M.,

Good luck on finding "A Good Dad"...I think there are various opinions...I think my husband is a good dad even though he is not overly involved w/our children....His definition of invlovemnt and mine are really different..and if I try to argue w/him...then I am the bad guy and I do not appreciate what he does....so do I argue or do I just accept what he does...I accept what he does...I so wish he would be more involed...he will not cook....or fix plates...or do any active w/kids uless I plan every detail....but he is good provider and helps out...I just get tired of arguing and do everything my self...I pray that he will change and become more involved...I think men have a very different perspective of what being "involved" really means...We as mothers are totally involved and the dads are usually "minimally" involved...I think that's just the way it is....hang in there...keep praying....

VMITCHell
Memphis...

Hi M.,

You sound Like You feel alone in raising your children.
You and your husband need a time out to talk and share both of your oppinions on how to raise your blessed children.
Don't make rules for rule are met to be broken.
He need to see you need him. And he needs you. You must work together or that child will begin to go to only one parent. And that will be no good.
My husband and I too had troubles like that. He would be out on the road and i took care of the home base. He is a trucker. So when we were together. They were times I too would step in. But in time we talk it out and came to an agreement. When he was correcting them I would let him. And when I did he would let me. Yes we both were different but at least that dear child realized that wrong was wrong and right was right. They did not have that confusion in their mind who was the one to listen to. You must try to work together. That dear child is watching. And always show them you love them. Look into their eyes that want to understand life. For they are our future.
Pray to God always on how to deal with each action at that time. Then go to that wonderful child who looks to you both for understanding of what they had done that was wrong. I know children Today are very hard on a parent. But they must understand what is right and wrong.

I am in the same shoes that you are in. I feel that my mate is the same exact way. I feel he does not take the time to listen, he just reacts. Let me know when you get feedback on your answer.