Get off My Cross

Last year I "quit".

I started doing ONLY what makes me happy.

I raise my son, because that makes me happy.
I clean only the amount that I feel like.
I cook only the amount that I feel like.

ETC.

((Now... I'm not saying that I'm HAPPY to be washing my clothes, dealing with tantrums, etc... but I'm happy to be wearing clean clothes, parenting my son, etc. It's not all FUN, but it's what I value. Whenever I find myself waiting to be 'thanked' or 'appreciated' I drop that activity like a rock. Nope. NOT living for kudos. So do I REALLY want to be doing this, or am I doing this because I want ______ out of it?))

All the stuff that "should" be done, but that I didn't particularly care about OR that I was doing "for" him because it "needs" to be done, I quit. Kind of along the same lines as I only lend money I don't care if I get back.

AMAZINGLY all of a sudden I had time for ME. I was no longer slaving, I was living.

I'd tried for years to have my husband do x, y, or z. To be a PARTNER. And suffering, because, quite frankly he doesn't want to be a partner. He wants to either be "boss" or "guest" (taken care of). Oddly enough, after a few months of my not martyring myself, he started filling in the gaps. I was doing EVERYTHING before. Now, if he wants something done, he can do it himself or ask. I may or may not say yes.

Now, I don't have a happy marriage, so take this with salt. I'm not saying what you or anyone *should* do... merely what *I* started doing. I started living my own life last year, and I started being happy again. ((I don't have a happy marriage, but I DO have a very happy life)).

Hire the neighbor kid to so some of the outside work. $30 to cut the lawn, $20 to rake leaves, etc... get a list of 'costs' and post it on the fridge.

It's time to have a frank discussion with him. Tell him how you feel (and emphasize that even if it's not true that he doesn't love you because he doesn't do chores, it still *feels* that way to you. And feelings aren't right or wrong...they are just that...feelings). Tell him you don't want to feel resentful of him, so you need him to take on more responsibilities.
When he agrees, don't stop there! Get out a sheet of paper and list all the chores that need to be done every week (you might want to have this prepared beforehand...it depends on how much time you think you have to keep him talking about this). Then, ask him which chores he would like to take on. Keep at it until you think it's equitable, or until you sense you're losing him. Remember, more help is the goal, not that you both have the same number of jobs. Maybe you can work up to that.
Then, with that information, make up a chore chart and post it in a visible area. If he doesn't start doing the jobs, don't nag, but rather remind him that he agreed to help out and got to handpick his jobs.
I hope this helps! It's an uphill climb, I know! Good luck.

Make a "List" then post it up on the wall.
Of what he needs to do and has to do.
It is NOT gender, specific.
A Man can do anything a woman does... except breastfeed.

Some Men, simply do not THINK... about what they can or should do.
Nothing between their ears.
Nothing.

Then explain to him, calmly... on what he HAS TO DO as part of the family. He is after all, a PART of a family and each person has a role.

Tell him, what you said here.

Some Men, simply think it is all fine and good.
Unless you speak up and tell them.
Tell them he HAS TO HELP. It is not a "Hotel" and you are not the maid service.

My Husband would tell me "Unless you tell me you need help, I assume you don't. Then I wonder why you get all bitchy." Duh.
So I have to S.P.E.L.L. it out, to him.
Now he is much better. At reading my mind and actually KNOWING that when I say I need HELP... I need it. It is not 'nagging.' It is the HINT... before I get all bitchy, and needing his help.

all the best,
Susan

You have been doing it ALL so he probably doesnt know what to do.
I'd post the list like the others have said, and dont be anal about everything.
Home is supposed to be a soft place to land, a place to relax and unwind. I'm sure I would not like someone telling me what I'm not doing right all day long either.
Just stop doing some of the stuff you do, so he can notice and pick up the slack. Men have blinders on most of the time, seriously. Especially if they had a mom that DID everything for them while they were growing up.

My only advice is couples counseling. It's a good wake-up call for everyone. You *should* be able to get out for yourself-- even if only to the grocery store, alone-- at least once a week.

Resentment, over time, can destroy a relationship. I've done couples counseling with my guy. Good counselors know how to get couples in touch with what they originally liked about each other, and kids do get us FAR from that at times. Good counselors are bridge builders, and will not only draw out those guys that can only seem to relate to the computer and can often get them to talk. Good counselors don't choose sides; instead, they try to get past all the window-dressing to what the real issues are. Often, we couples are very good at getting stuck on all the 'safe' stuff because we don't want to wade into the murky stuff. Counselors will let you get in that murky space, because they know *this* is often at the heart of the matter.

In this way, hopefully your SO will come to see what you need, you will begin to understand why he does what he does (guys are sometimes quite a mystery) and find more effective ways to address your issues with each other than nagging, whining and avoidance. Women are more social and want more communication when things aren't right; when guys are feeling like they aren't measuring up, they tend to withdraw.

Good luck!

I understand what you mean that it is your fault. You feel it is your fault bc you have enabled him by doing everything from the beginning. He never felt he needed to do any of these task bc you always took care of them so he probably doesn't understand why it's a big deal now. I've had to do this with my hubby. I would sit down with him and explain (calm and rationally) that you are feeling overwhelmed by everything you have to be responsible for around the house and ask him if he would mind helping out. Give him direct jobs that he can be responsible for aka raking the yard and mowing, taking out the trash every night. If he is willing, which hopefully he will be understanding about this, then also give him some time to adjust by reminding him if he seems to be slacking off. Also keep in mind that men and women think completely differently!! An example of this in my world is for instance if it's night time, just put the kids down and I realize the trash is getting pretty full~ my thought process goes something like this, if it doesn't get taken out tonight then tomorrow it will be overflowing with diapers and trash and I won't have time to take it out with out the kids throwing a fit so it needs to be done now. His thought process is~ Its not completely full and Im pretty sure if we smash it down we could stuff a lot more in it and not waste a trash bag so Ill just get it tomorrow..... (It won't even cross his mind that he won't get home from work until late the next day and by that time I will have already found a way to do it!! lol)

I'm sorry but how is it YOUR fault that your husband doesn't help around the house or with the kids? I don't buy that at all. He needs to buck up and help out! Period!

I think you and I and all sorts of others in life have this fictitious role model in our heads (mine is a 'control' model), that is living in our self made world of if I don't do it it will never get done. The truth is we are not letting anyone else do it, so we won't find out. We also have a case of the 'shoulds' and think we should do everything. It means I love you, to them sometimes it means resentment. Isn't it amazing we grow up in completely different families and get married and actually stay married for years and years? And we want it our way, because our way was right? But if I had ever stopped to think about it my way is not always right or even ok, it simply gets done. My husband has to have an amazing dinner every night and I would be fine with a can of ravioli. That is one difference. I am happy with paper plates and he would prefer the china. And so on. We've tried the lists, (resentment-it is MY WAY, he doesn't think laundry is more important than hosing down the front tires of the car) and I have tried to hose down the tires while he cooks the dinner (truth he cooks better than me). And although I spend year after year complaining about how he doesn't write out the bills or do them, it is my own fault because I WOULD DIE IF he actually did them. He wouldn't know how to do it right? Really? He'd probably handle it, but I don't let him. Truth is yes, it's a horrible cycle and it's ours. and if we are not going to dish it over and let them do it THEIR WAY, that is perhaps they play computer games for fifteen minutes before they put on a box of Macaroni and peanut butter, then by golly we will do it all and pass out for it. So here it is: people do things differently. And if he won't do it on your terms, or your schedule or your way, then keep going and be like my sister who had a stroke not long ago (but her house loooked perfect I might add), or let him handle it, or decide that perhaps you don't need all the socks placed neatly together and throw them all in a drawer and let everyone pick their own. Of course he loves you. In his way.
I have a hunch if he started to love you in exactly your way, you would probably be quite uncomfortable. I know I would. I'm in charge you know.

What does your title mean?

Check out www.loveandrespect.com
Dr. Mason Eggerichs wrote a book called Love and Respect and the premise of it all is to help couples make the best partnership they can based on love and respect. The following was taken directly from his website: We believe love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.
I haven't read the book myself, but I have heard it is a phenomenal resource in building a solid marriage. They even offer conferences and workshops to help you and your spouse/significant other build the best relationship possible. Good luck to you and God bless!
A.

Years ago I have given my husband his 'chores' and those are the ones I won't do no matter what. Example: i cook 5 days a week, from scratch. monday through friday. Come the weekend, I won't cook, no matter what. He is in charge of breakfast, lunch (we usually eat out on weekends) and dinner. He is not even allowed to ask me for suggestions. He knows to incorporate veggies and fruit during those days.
5 days a week I am in charge of bedtime. Jammies, snacks, brushing teeth, and reading to kids. Come Saturday, I am off the clock. He does it. On nights he really doesn't want to do any of this, and nags about it, I don't get mad, I don't say anything, he HAS to do them. If not, he deals with crying kids. And learns fast that he cannot deviate from the schedule and the way things are done. So he does them.
I decided to do all this after 2 years of having kids, and me having not a single helping hand, ever. I was stretching myself too thin waiting for my husband to realize he has to pitch in. I used to nag, complain, cry. It did nothing. So then I sat down with him and told him if I am going to act like a single mother then pack your stuff and leave. I will not be married on paper yet do everything myself. I was serious. I wanted him to decide right then and there. He asked what I needed help with, and that is when I gave up my weekends, meaning I gave him the weekends. He took them. He has been doing this for 4 years now. It's part of his life. So sit down and tell him what he will do, and what you will not do. Spread the love. Let him be a father and husband. He has to. Or help him pack. :)

Yes -- STOP IT!

He can rake and do inside and outside work! Just stop doing some things and make a list of what needs to be done. Don't nag, nag, nag, just hand him the list and if he doesn't do it, let it go for a while and then hire a handy man. Since you do EVERYTHING, I'm assuming you also hold the purse strings????

You deserve a break!

Blessings.....

By "get off my cross" you want to stop being a martyr. Right?

If you solve this problem, write a book, and you'll be rich. I had this same issue while married (20+ years) and all my married friends say the same. You can nag, request, ask nicely, beg, stop doing things (he won't notice) and he will swear that he IS helping and that he IS doing his fair share.

It's not that he doesn't love you, it that he is a typical man. I don't have a solution for you, at all. I divorced my problem. Now I just pick up after myself and my daughter in my small apartment and it's a relief.

Lists like another mom said. He sounds lazy and just says your nagging. It's not nagging if it's towards a goal. Nagging, to me, is if you are complaining about his tie for the millionth time or something. From your past posts it sounds like yall are roomates more than a married couple, did that get better? I ask because that could be why he is the way he is, if he has emotionally checked out. Another is you sound a little co-dependent, like you feel complete when you are doing things for others... which is totally NOT a bad thing just be sure you put your foot down and tell him to get involved so you can go out and get your nails done, go to the gym or spa, or whatever you would like to do. And that your not doing things your kids can do, your kids are older aren't they? Have a chore chart where EVERY ONE does a chore or two, then the burden won't be all on your shoulders. Since it's been done since forever in yalls relationship it's probably a habitual cycle to him too.

I refuse to believe that men are all this way and it's typical.
I believe by allowing them to be 'typical' we are letting them off the hook. By saying your a man so I know I have to tell you what to do and how to do it.
Well, I'm guessing when it's something that he enjoys doing he doesn't need advice or LISTS. He just does it. The problem to me is that we have made men into children. We just accept that men are like this and we are supposed to be like that.
I don't have the answer to your problem but I can say that resentment breeds affairs, secrets, anger and all kinds of ugly problems. Explain it to him like this. Me having to nag you or hold your hand in doing something that a MAN should do doesn't exactly turn me on at ALL. You know what really makes me hot and bothered? A man who steps it up and takes some of the pressure off me.
He should be able to comprehend that!

When we are done eating I give him a choice. He can do the dishes or give one the kids a bath. I then ask if he would like to rack the yard or fold the clothes. I do this all the time.

(((laughing)))

Oh my GAWD!
Melissa, you perfectly articulated how I feel. And S.H., your response was so amazing that I read this whole thread to my husband.

Fantastic!

Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? Perhaps how you are communicating the need for help is not how he
needs to hear it for it to be effective.

First you need to quit being a martyr, realize you're entitled to a life more than slavery, and that you're worth more than what your S.O. is offering. Next step is to do something about it. If everything you're saying here is 100% spot on, then he isn't doing enough and it's selfish and irresponsible of him in the utmost. And it isn't good role modeling for your kids. They'll pass the horrible cycle on. Tell him to put his big boy pants on or better yet, put his MAN pants on and step up to the plate. Because let's just say you're trying to discipline your kids. That pops does diddly squat to enforce and be on the same page, it tears down and invalidates everything you're trying to build.
So one small start might be, when doing the wash, separate his clothes from yours and the kids' and suddenly he has nothing. "Well get up off your butt and wash them". Get your courage up and let him have it with both barrels that you are not a slave, he's supposedly part of a family unit and helped to create the kids and home so he should be helping out.
This stress is not good for you or the kids. Stop allowing it. Heaven forbid, if something should happen to you, is he going to be able to step in? Or just find another doormat? He's lazy, you're allowing it, and no one is benefitting. Time to do something. Good luck

If you want to remain together get the book The Five Love Languages. You are a doer, what is his love language?
Then evaluate why you are in this relationship.
Is he the children's father?
If not why are you with him?
You call him your SO, are you even married?

I realize you ahve alot of answers already but my two cents - women tend to jump in without being asked and help. They look around see what needs to be done and they do it. Men are different animals. They're offended if you jump into their thing and help them. The message they get is that you think he can't do it by himself - needing help is to be weak. They would never just jump in and help out - they wouldn't do it to another guy (don't want to send that message that the other person is weak) so they're not going to do it to you. So - you have to ask for help. Ask - can you get Bobby to bed tonight? Can you take that as a regular thing so I can make lunches or do laundry?

Another thing is that they do stategize - and no one can tell me they don't. My DH who is a very capable guy - all of the sudden become incapable of doing the things he doesn't want to do. That way I'll say "never mind" and do it myself. I've learned to get a step ahead of him - when he does a half-assed job on something I'll lament "I guess you can't get it done any better than that huh?" or - "why don't you google that and find out how to do that the right way?" It gets to their ego.

Good luck - we should not be doing all of it - I used to work, take care of the kids, do the laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning and my DH would do was the garbage the the bills. But he has begun to take on more stuff as he's gotten older and more mature. But I had to use my tools. ;o) We should not still be going at 11:00 at night while they have ben reclining with the remote in the hands for the last 2 hours!!!

Sounds you've received great advice so far i'd like to add: If and when he does start helping out, make sure you don't make any negative comments about how he did it or how it turned out. I used to refold towels, etc. because the way my husband folded them wasn't the same and didn't fit in the closet as well. Then I realized, they're folded! And I didn't have to do it! So he did a great job and I needed to shut up about it. And he noticed!

It appears that you had two children previously and then had a baby with your boyfriend fairly quickly and maybe didn't discuss expectations of each other. I can totally understand how you want to take care of people but this isn't working for you and roles need to be discussed. He should help with the baby and the house. I'm sure you can formulate a plan with him and will get more response from him without lashing out. Good luck. I don't understand "get off my cross".

I had to sit down with my hubby and talk it out! I am a control freak and he lived at home till he was 28 and mommy took care of everything (he also had 3 older sisters)...Yes, it worked for us when we first got married but once we had 1 infant and another on the way (the first 2 were 17 mos apart), I realized I can't do it all without resenting him ROYALLY! I felt like I had no "me" time. So, we set out a list of what chores are "his" and what are are "mine" and in general when they are done. Example- he took over outside work with the house except flowerbed weeding (all raking, mowing, snow removal, etc) and inside the house, he is responsible for garbage emptying, taking out the garbage, emptying the dishwasher, sorting the laundry (which he has conned the kids into helping with - they are 2.5 and almost 4 now), putting his OWN clothes away when they are clean, and cooking 1 big meal or more a month (I should add I cook about 2-3 times a week and we eat left overs all other days). We also agreed to hire a maid to do a deep cleaning of the house every 3 to 4 weeks to take a little of the pressure off of me (I was cleaning pretty much every weekend and not spending any time with my kids, so now I try to surface clean 1 room a night and the rest is the maid on that schedule). It has helped--but I can say I still nag to have him do things on MY SCHEDULE and if you want him to take responsibility, you can't do that....it ticks them off :) Good luck!

I am not going to pretend that I have all the answers to this dilemma. I have three kids, work full time from home, and rarely get time to myself. Like you, I nearly always feel stretched too thin. However, in the 10 years I have been married, it has gotten better.
I really like what Sheila S. said in her response and have to agree that a lot of the problem is I love to be in control. I like things done my way. When I am feeling completely stressed out about all the things that need to be done, it does help to ask myself, "Is this something that HAS to be done my way- will I be upset if it isn't? Does it NEED to be done on my timeline?" If the answer is no, I delegate it to my husband, but even if the answer is "yes" it helps me to just ask myself those questions because then I no longer feel angry that I am "doing it all", it puts into perspective that I am choosing for it to be that way.
So, some things that have helped:
Delegating. Being very clear about what I need from my husband. "I need you to please cut up the salad for dinner" or "Please have the girls bathed by the time I get home". Don't make him read your mind (and I am oh so guilty of this! It happens all the time, me cooking and cleaning and juggling 10 things while he plays video games, and I am seething away while he is oblivious in front of the tv.)Tell him exactly what he needs to do. And then let him do it. His way. Send him to the grocery store- but don't be upset when he returns and has passed up the awesome deals you wrote down on your list, forgot to use the coupons you painstakingly clipped, and bought the wrong flavor of soy milk ;) Tell him thanks and be grateful you now have groceries and you didn't have to do the shopping! Along with delegating is passing the kids off to him. If your kids are like mine, they probably go to you automatically for EVERYTHING. I work from home and it is so frustrating to be "on shift" with my husband sitting in the same room, and the kids keep bugging me rather than him. So I say over and over "I am off duty. Ask Dad". (If you can actually leave the area, so much the better).
Assign him some chores that are specifically his. I had to do this not long ago, I sat down with my husband and told him "I NEED you to make sure the girls are bathed every night. I NEED you to make sure the kids have completed their homework and packed their backpacks each night (I will get them started on homework, but I do not have time to do it all). I already do 2 loads of dishes per day and I will cook dinner each night. I work in the morning and do not have time to mess with last nights mess. I NEED you to clean up after dinner every night." Guess what- he was pouty and annoyed the first night. And after that: he completed the task list every night without me asking.
You know what the best part is (besides not having to take care of those jobs at night, of course?) My husband asking me, "So was your day a bit easier after I took care of that stuff?" (yes) and then a few days later, "I really wanted to stay up and play X-box, but instead I cleaned the kitchen." I realized that my husband really does care about my feelings and wants me to be happy, and that is why he complies with my requests. I also realized that he thrives on my thank-yous; knowing that he had made my day much easier is a big motivator. So I guess my advice is to thank him when he helps.
I wish you luck! Thanks for asking this question, so many wonderful ladies have already offered great advice that I will be taking to heart as well.

The first thing (well, the only thing really) that came to mind is for you to read Dr. Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages" (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/), but I see you are already planing to do that. All of Dr. Chapman's books are great!

Here's a test for you both to see what is your 'primary' and 'secondary' language. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

have you tried getting him up and helping when you are busy? "honey, i am working on dinner right now, can you help the little one pick up his toys?" catching him when he's already up is helpful too :) i know you say that when you ask him to do something, he says you are a nag - maybe instead of "honey would you take out the trash today? it's overflowing", just a "i'm busy right now would YOU do this?" kind of thing, where it puts him on the spot. and also, i would up the once monthly book club. something weekly would be helpful :)

So what does he "bring to the table". If you do it all then he sounds like a waste. Your kids will grow up & be in the same rut in their relationships, are you o.k. with that?

I don't think you can do this by yourself. Please look for a good, reputable counselor in your area to help you.

You recognize that you have a hand in the situation, but you know how hard it is for anybody to change themselves, and nobody can really change anybody else. Sometimes there are ways to help another person to want to change, and sometimes not. But the changes you want to make in yourself are things you can do, with some help.

You need someone who can help you see the whole situation objectively and recognize the possibilities, and that's more than can be accomplished here.

Here's another thought to bring to the counselor you find to talk to: when you say that other than doing a little bit here and there, your SO has no role in your family, you are mistaken. As an adult in your family, he is a leader. Good or bad, he is a leader, and your children are learning from him what an adult man is like, just as they are learning from you what a grownup woman is like. That's another good reason to want to make things better.

Maybe you should get the book The Five Love Languages and see if he will read it with you. You guys obviously speak different languages, but maybe if he could see/understand why you feel that way he would be more cooperative. Also - you obviously aren't speaking to him in HIS love language, so it might be enlightening for you both!!

Tell your husband your not happy.

Tell him you feel like you have no help.

Tell him buying more stuff doesn't help.

Just means you have more to wash and put away and more things to care for.

You two have different love languages. I know that might sound strange, but if you've ever heard anything about the 5 love languages, that's what I'm referring to. It's such an eye opener because we do things for others that we would like to be done to us, but it doesn't speak to others the way it speaks to us. Maybe he's doing something that he thinks shows you he loves you, but you don't notice. Maybe he realizes you like being in control, so he lets you. Maybe sit down and have a non-confrontational, non-nagging talk with one another. First, ask him what is important to him for you to have done (example: my husband would rather come home to a clean kitchen and living room than for me to have anything else done. Those are the things that are most important to him, so that's what I make sure to do as often as I can). Then, tell him that you're sorry you've taken over everything but that you would like it if he wouldn't mind helping with a few things. Ask him what he would like to help with. Then - AND MOST IMPORTANTLY - LET him do those things. Don't watch him as he does them and tell him what he did wrong. Instead thank him so much for the help he did. Continue to tell him how much you appreciate his help. If it's not done the way you would do it, is it the end of the world? No. It could be that you've criticized him for the times he has helped out because he didn't do it the "right" way (I'm only speaking from my own experience. I could be totally off here, but I found that was a problem I was having).

If you're a reader, here are a couple of books I recommend:
Love & Respect (can't remember the author though, but the cover is red and white); Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy and Karen Evans, The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. These are just really good references for how to grow in your marriage.

If you guys dont' go to a church but would be willing to try one out, our church is starting a marriage series this week. It's called Happily Ever After. We have services Sun 9, 10:30 and 12. We also have one on Saturday evenings. You can check it out at www.milestonechurch.com and see the promo for this series. Good luck to you. I know it's a tough one, but it can be fixed.

For my DH, asking nicely, when we're not both stressed and when it's not night time (he gets wound up about it, and then he can't sleep, and he's a bit of an insomniac anyway). I also can't ask multiple days in a row or even more than a couple times in a week. And the more stressed I am about it when I ask, the less likely he is to do it. Sometimes I get really angry about his "restrictions," but other times I remember that they are a result of how he learned to cope with his overbearing, no boundaries, type A, emotionally blackmailing and irrational father.

He actually thanked me for not nagging him about the taxes (I was totally stressed over it, but stressing/nagging once, and then a week later after asking him nicely about it, I decided not to bring it up, and he said on Monday, "I wanted to let you know that the taxes are done, and I appreciate you not mentioning them again."

Anyway, I ask nicely, and if he even attempts it, I thank you (not crazy, overboarding, but just a sincere "I really appreciated you doing X.")

But, I would suggest sitting down and talking about it with him. Wait until the kids are in bed, or some other time when you're not stressed and he's not in a bad mood and the kids are around to interrupt/need attention.

Tell him how you're feeling. Don't blame, don't nag. Use "I feel" phrases, not "You should" or "You don't." Ask him to help you. Tell him that you understand he works, and he needs time to decompress after work, but that you need him to be your partner, and in some ways, your "champion"--you need him to pitch in more with the kids, even though that's not always the most fun thing to do, and that you need his help around the house. Then ask him to solve the problem for you (aka come up with some workable plans to do these things). Asking him to solve the problem engages "some kind of something" in most men--my DH says sometimes he's confounded when I just need to vent, because he's wired to "fix things" and venting is not fixing.

You might also try reading the 5 Love Languages together--that might be illuminating for you both.

Yes I am doing it all as well. What's worse is I'm married. Woe is my life.

I read the 5 love languages. Just didn't do it for me. Try the Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.

Hi!
I would like to recommend you another book; it is call "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. It is an eye opening book in regards on how we should treat each other. You can borrow it from the library :)
Hope it helps!

We have another couple that are good friends of ours. She is a complete control freak and prefers to do EVERYTHING herself b/c she has no confidence that her guy can do it nearly as well, the right way, in enough time etc. The result is: she expects nothing so he does nothing. If he does something, she re-does it. Now he doesn't even try.
I think all women are guilty of this to some degree.
I think you just need to talk and turn some stuff over to him. Cold turkey. Then DON'T do those things--at ALL!

I hate to ask my husband for help (though he is very helpfull already), but I find that it doesnt work to nag at him. I have to "get of my cross" and tell him I am overwelmed and need his help. I find that husbands need to feel needed and its only in asking them that they get it.

For instance: the other night, I came in and said that I was really overwlemed and tired and there was just too much to get done in the kitchen. He jumped right up and offered to help. If I had said something like I wish I didn't have to do everything or mention that he doesn't do anything but watch tv, it would have led to the never ending arguement about who does what. No one ever wins.

I saw that you followed up and sounds like it is going good. I think many of us woman folk go through this. We are natural nurturers and doers. Many times to our detriment. Early on after our first was born I would do everthing and then get upset at my husband for not helping...or if he did I would get upset that he didn't do it the way I thought he should. Finally he talked to me about it...and I hadn't even notice what was going on. Now we are team players. He loves to help out around the house and with the kids. Kids are getting older and doing sooo much more on their own because we taught them to.

Look at your hubby and those around you as helpers. Don't be a martyr and do it all because you want it done right the first time. You will go crazy trying to keep things perfect. When your hubby helps out, praise him up and down and then he will help more often. Nagging is the worst way to get your point across...he will resent you,ignore you and not look for ways to lighten your burdens. I can't say enough about praise and lots of lovin'...I can legitimately say that I never have to ask my hubby twice. And he often does so many things before I even ask. He is amazing!
Good luck. Sounds like you have alot on your plate...it is time to delegate or just let some things go.

I just wanted to chime in and say great job so far - and it sounds like you have a great husband too. I think a lot of times men just don't know what exactly needs to be done without just getting in the way. The good ones appreciate some light direction and it always helps when the praise flows freely both ways. :)