How Should I React?

well I have been married for seven years and I can tell you that you are certianly not alone. My husband is the exact sme way, it drives me crazy. I have found out that the scarcastic responses dont help and you cant give up so my advice would be for you to point out these things to him my husband has slowly caugt on little by little.he still does it but hes getting better at it. if you keep teliing him suggestively he should eventually understand and think about it himself.

well beleive when i say that i think every women out the can agree with you on this. i think its not they our men are just being lazy, i think it is more that they are just not equipt with the same thought process as women are. women are always thinking ahead to make there lives just a lil easier while men just think in the minute. so you are soooo not alone.

I feel for you because it is hard being a neat organized person & no one else in the house cares.

First of all, my opinion is for you to calm down. I have been married for 14 years. My husband is like that and I have had to learn to calm down & learn which battles to fight.

Maybe instead of looking at the bad things, look at how much he does help. There are alot of husbands out there that will NOT change babies or help or do anything around the house. I think you should thank him for the things that he does does. Then when he doens't do the things you "have to ask him to do", do it in a loving way - not to patronize him, but to ask it in a loving way. If you nag, etc.. it will just make him not want to do it.

Things will get better. It just seems bad right now because you have two small children. That will change when they start to get older and more independent. Be thankful for this time though because you will get to a point where you miss this and wish it back and it is too late. Instead of being disappointed, nagging, & upset all the time, learn to spend your time being happy with your life because life changes in an instant. I have learned that the hard way. Take it from a woman who has been through it - it is not worth the fight. Don't get me wrong. It will take some time to get used to, but thank him for what he does do. Have a great week!

Your response is understandable as I think all mothers multi-task beyond what their spouses can fathom. Have you thought about leaving your husband for a short period of time.....a girls' getaway weekend, a retreat along, etc.? This would force him to do it all and plan on his own. Otherwise, it sounds like you have things orchestrated so well, that he doesn't need to think because you seem to manage it all. I think all mothers feel this way, whether they are working or stay at home. Somehow, the duties of the home and children tend to fall in our laps for natural, social, or a combination of unexplainable reasons. It seems inevitable however, you (and I) can certainly work on better balancing the division of labor. I think the more opportunities you give him to plan, the better he will get at it. Good luck!

hunny...men are just not wired the same way women are. they have tunnel vision and selective hearing and it's been that way since the beginning of time. be appreciative of his attemps and of the things he does do...at least helped by getting the older one dressed right? instead of just hoping he'll do this or that or giving him vague directions... tell him specifically what you need help with. can you put this poopy outfit in the wash: will you get me an out fit for the baby when you go upstairs to dress (Sam?). instead of of clean the house...say can you vacuum the living room and load the dishwasher while i'm gone. guys need specifics. they are not and never will be mind readers so you can't expect them to just "know" the stuff that comes as second nature for us. and cut him slack...you said he's at least willing to help if you ask...most woman don't even get that.

I would start by sitting down and talking with my husband. Explain your frustration and appreciation for his willingness to do anything you ask. Maybe start with a jar. A jar with little pieces of paper that have thinggs written on them that always need doing! He can go draw one out at his convenience and do it for you. You don't have to ask, but he still gets reminded! I use this for our family. The kids have certain colored paper that has appropriate kids chores while my fiancee (when he comes over) and I have another color. Stuff gets done and mom isn't constantly frustrated over having to say I NEED HELP! Good luck and God Bless!

I know your frustration. What seems obvious to you and to me (as women and moms) is not to men. They just don't think the same way we do. It's not that they don't care, it's just that they tend to be more single minded in tasks. Do one task completely then move on to the next, where we women are able to multi-task and group tasks together to get the most out of our time and efforts. I read this great book "Men are like waffles, women are like spaggetti" that talks about how men compartmentalize and women intergrate everything. Reading the book didn't change my husband. But I dont get as frustrated. Don't stop asking him for his help as long as he's willing and talk about how you can communicate to him how he can help. I started a list on the fridge of things that need done that would be obvious to me. I tell him once, and let him know I'm writing it on the list. Then I don't have to nag him, and he doesn't get irritated with me.
God Bless and don't loose heart. <>< J.

Okay Amber,
I know how you feel sometimes. I haven't been married as long just 3 years and one son, but my husband is pushing for another child and I think okay how much are you going to help me then. What I have learned and have been told that men don't know how to do that. If you want them to do something you are going to have to ask them and if you leave your children with them you are going to have to leave a honey do list for them. They don't think the way we do I don't know why but it frustrates me too. I also think that since we are stay at home moms they get use to a certain way and assume that you are going to take care of everything that has to do with the household cleaning and children. I ask my husband what he wants to have for suppe this week and he says you take care of that. Sometimes it is nice not to make a decision. I know it sucks for women and moms but you are going to have to find a way to teach him where he doesn't know and it becomes natural. for instance he take turns every other night bathing our child and at first I had to tell him every time, time to bath Bradley, don't forget his towel, brush his teeth, etc. Now, I don't have to he just gets up and does it. Good luck and I wish you the best it is hard and annoying sometimes.

B.

Hi A.,

I used to ask myself the same questions as you. It is really frustrating. As other moms have said to you, men think abslutely different from women. When I was having the same issues like you, I read the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"..I do not remember now if it is the right title of the book, I do not have with me know, but it shows you how different are men from women. The nice and comic thing is that when you read the book you smile and laugh and find some ways to understand and accept men at some rate..your men..your husband...
We, women, are very good at multitasking and very versatile; on the contrary, men are just focused on "big or main things" not details, even when men are in front of the obvious, they do not get it! They do not have either the common sense we have, especially at home with yourself and with the kids...
I just gave up, and when I ask to my husband to help me on something, I just tell him exactly what I need (like drawing a map)..
I am not saying that they are dumb, not at all; they just think different and they have other priorities...However, I do know some other men that think like us...and I have learned that these men were raised in different ways and environments..
So..be happy and be patient....In the meantime, just ask him the way you need the things to be D....With the pasiing of time, he will know better..

Good Luck!

good luck, girl. i don't understand why these things are not obvious to men. how much like bliss would it be for them to have done something without us asking! i think they figure we'll do it eventually, so why bother - if they think of it at all. i don't know why my man can't just do the dishes or fold some laundry without me having to ask. you see work needs to be done... why not do it? how frustrating! i really have no advice, but i do feel your pain. please do let me know if you get anything good.
bless you!

I have to chuckle when I read something like this because I've had the exact same thoughts. Through talking to many of my women friends, I've decided that it's just men. A friend of mine was seeing a marriage counselor and the counselor was trying to help her see how her husband (and men in general) thinks. Her advice- men's minds are very one-dimensional and they don't multi-task well. Where a woman can cook a meal, clean the oven, do some laundry and change a diaper, men only think "cook a meal." It's difficult for me not to blame it on his laziness...but honestly their minds are just wired very differently.

I would honestly just try to accept that you are two very different minds and find his strengths and talents and emphasize and praise those. Arguing and nit-picking with him is only going to hurt his self-esteem and make him resentful, most likely.

Good luck!

Oh dear! Don't start doing everything now! That means you will be doing everything the rest of your life... Do you want that? However, you do have 3 boys to raise now, unfortunately. Men do not think like women and nothing is obvious to them. Your best bet, realize that you do have to lead him by the hand every step of the way and tell him exactly what you need every moment. They just don't get it. But don't look at it as he doesn't want to help. He just needs all the directions of how to help. Just remember, it takes patience with children and men. Good luck dear!

I am right there with you, but men really don't think like we do. He really does want to help you and probably wanted a compliment for getting the older boy dressed. Men crave admiration, compliments and respect. Sarcasm and scolding doesn't work. Believe me I've tried and it only drives a wedge. Next time, you might just want to yell up a little reminder while he's up there. "Hey, Babe, while you are up there with ____ would you get the baby a new outfit? Thanks!" Just try to find things to compliment him on and you will see him jumping up to do more. Try "out serving" one another, if you are into a friendly competition.
Nagging and criticism just take all the love out of a relationship. I know where you get it, because that's all our society really emphasizes, like on TV, etc. Remember this little nugget of Truth from the Bible. (Ephesians Chapter 5) Women want to be loved and men want to be respected. Without repect, men will not show love to their wives and without love, women will not show respect to their husbands. So it's a snowball effect. Love and respect your mate and he will return the favor and talk, talk, talk. Hope this helps.
God Bless and don't ever give up on that guy. Sounds like a real keeper!
M. J.

I am EXACTLY the same way! It's exhausting isn't it? I, too, have a wonderful husband that does anything I ask him to. I JUST DON'T THINK I SHOULD HAVE TO ASK!!!! I don't think I really have any advice for you except that men just think differently. I'm not a male basher but it is just a fact that they process things differently and at a different speed than we do. Like you, I'm always thinking ahead, trying to figure out the fastest and most efficient way to do things. I am working on trying to relax and let things happen. For example, I need the kitchen cleaned up and I'm doing a million other things. Husband says he will do it. What I would like to see is him jump up and do it now. However, in his mind he is thinking "I"ll finish playing with the baby and then do it." I have to remind myself that it will get done, maybe not in my time, but the goal is to have a clean kitchen. If I am patient enough and turn my attention elsewhere Husband will clean the kitchen.
I am sorry to say that this will be a never ending battle. We've been together for over 9 years and married for over 7. He has gotten a little better but I need to get better too. Meaning, I need to relax, live in the moment and take advantage of the precious little time we actually have together as a family (We both work full time).
I hope this helps, in that you know you aren't alone!!!

Amber,
Don't sweat the small stuff! I think you are getting yourself worked up over the little things. In my life, sometimes I feel this way, but I try to remember that we are two different people who can't read each others minds. Instead of dwelling on the small stuff that irritates you, just mention what you need for him to do- it will save you the frustration of expecting him to know what you want. Husbands can't read our minds, and most tend to think about things a little differently. Appreciate instead that he is willing to help with what you ask of him, many husbands aren't. For example my father last night was unloading the dishwasher, which he thought was full of clean dishes- clean because they are in the dishwasher- seemed obvious to him. My mother came in and started complaining and searching the kitchen because the dishes were dirty and he put them away, making him feel embarrassed for it when he was trying to help. We as women tend to 'nag' when everything isn't perfect, but we need to realize that willingness to help with things that most men aren't quite sure how to do 'perfectly' is a great thing. They are our partners and if you tear down their good intentions all of the time, or get frustrated with them, they end up feeling as much unappreciated as we do sometimes. I do understand how you feel, though. I say these things because in my life household 'problems' are all in how you look at things. Instead of reacting with irritation, appreciate that you have someone there who can laugh with you, and help when asked if necessary. Don't do it all by yourself or you will end up resentful and overworked. Just don't forget that as much as you may think is obvious may not be so obvious to him, don't assume he knows everything you wish he knew. With my husband, after a while of asking for things, he started to realize them on his own, yours probably will too, just be patient. Hope this helps!
K.

Stop reacting and be proactive. As I tell you this, I am also telling myself. Just be thankful that he will do things if you ask. Just realize that you need to ask because they can't read our minds and like everyone before me has stated, men are not wired for these kinds of things. Try to not get frustrated and know this is pretty much normal in most households. You will be better off if you remember how sweet he is and that he will help you if you just let him know what you want.

In the same boat.
S.

I think you should take a moment, relax, and really think about this. Men do not think the same way that women do. They really don't. Of course you are going to think of all the things that need to be done ahead of time. You are a woman, and a mother. That's what we do. Honestly, I had to rethink my situation as well. I am thankful for the things that the father of my children does and that he is a loving devoted father. So many men are not. I just had to realize that you know what, he just doesn't think like me. And that is ok. I had to just stop stressing myself out and obsessing over what needed to be done. Life is tooooooo short to worry about what steps you take and when. Just enjoy what you have, and what needs to be done will be done, whenever it gets done.

I would like to respond to this posting...men think differently then women we can all agree to that! With regards to forward thinking, most men are designed to follow systems. We are creatures of habit, given a task we can outperform the best of them. However as you stated you are a stay at home mom, your husband is not in control of the system called the "home system". I am sure that you have not given him the "home system manual" to read. Have you? You know the manual that tells him exactly how the system works to ensure complete effciency! I am sure whatever your husband does for a job has a manual that he has read or instructions on how to follow the "system". If not, he has created the "system" and of course if that is the case knows it better than anyone. However since he has not been given the "home system" manual to understand the routines he does not feel comfortable "messing" with the system. Ask him to do something and he is more than willing to comply as with the request he understands the task and that the request given to him does not interfere with the running of the system for if it did the request would not have been asked.

I have learned this and can prove that there is a "home system" that you have established that is very intricate and you have struck a fine balance between order and chaos. Now that I am a single parent and have crossed over into both roles, especially the role of creating and maintaining the "home system" I have found that I get frustrated when others do not follow nor understand the system. I have gone to the extreme of detailing the system in writing in the case that I have to be out of town and an "outsider" must manage the system while I am away. From bedtime to wakeup, to dishes and laundry your system is characterized about how you do business and I believe that your husband is SCARED to Death to screw with your system and feels comfortable with receiving verbal or written requests from the manager of the system than attempting to re-write the code or language of said system.

We men can make up systems, we men can manage said systems, we men can complete tasks under said system as long as we understand said system. However without an understanding of said system we will all react vs. act in order to not risk breaking or messing said system up.

That's my two cents anyway! Great discussion!
S.

I had that problem when I first had kids with my husband. WE would write down our frustrations and then talk about them because otherwise we would let them bottle up. The one thing I learned is that men DO NOT think like women. What is obvious to women is NOT to me and what is important to men is not to women (and visa versa). My spouse asked me to write down or point out what needs to be done. He would eat lunch but not feed our son lunch and other things like that. At first I found it incredibly annoying but eventually he got the hang of thinking ahead and doing what needed to get done without having it pointed out to him. It takes time for them to think like us.
Good luck and bear with him, he is a male after all

I just want you to know, you're not alone. My husband is the greatest man. He always wants to help people, so it's not that he's lazy, he just doesn't get what needs to be done. It is so obvious to me that not only should the clothes go in the laundry room, but they need to be rinsed out first.
I'm a working mom. So every moring, my husband goes out and starts both vehicles, but he never lets the dog out. He's outside, the dog needs to go outside...
I have no advice on what to do, I just wanted to let you know that I feel your frustration. They are wonderful men, but they just don't get it. Maybe we just need to drop the reminders and sooner or later they will catch on. Good Luck.

Hi A.!

I totally understand where you are coming from with this. Sometimes it seems that the men in our lives just don't "get it". Take a deep breath!! What is his background? Did he have a nurturing father figure? Does he feel like he is butting in to your routine if he tries to help? I know that is how my hubby feels. I get very exasperated with him, because I think he should just "know" what to do, and I shouldn't have to tell him or ask him for help. Something that has helped me to understand him so much better is a book, don't know if you are up for reading but it helped me!
Dr. Laura's: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands..
A wonderful look into the mind of men and how they think and how to get what you need and want out of them without losing your mind! :)

Feel free to vent to me any time through Private message!
L.

Amber, I am prolly going to say what you are not wanting to hear. That is just the way your husband is and it seems to me there maybe a lack of communication. Which happens a lot when children come into the relationship. Just when you seen him go up the step you could of yell up if he mind bringing a outfit down for the baby. Some people can think a head and other just right at the moment thinking. My husband the same way. I learn to remind him and ask more. Like he told me once he wasn't a mind reader. Your husband may not of been sure what outfit you might have wanted to wear on the baby. My husband and I have what we call coffee talk about every other night. We do this at the kitchen table.(not the bedroom). WE talk about varied of things. But you might want to ask him how you all can work on maybe him thinking a head and you asking for things. I know this is hard I'm a working mom of 5. Currently staying home due to medical leave. I work with handicap children. I'm not saying you are wrong - you like everything in place so things can go smoothly as possible. That is a woman and mother for you. But I'm saying he is not wrong either. Just something you guys need to meet in the middle. My husband had a very hard time with coming into a relationship with a woman with 5 kids. I had to realize he not use to this and he a man. Man and woman do like at things different. I hope this might have helped you somewhat. Sound like you may have a lot of stress from this. Please stop and think is it worth the stress? Life to short and goes by very fast. ENJOY every moment you can. Be thankful what he does do. Trust me my ex husband done nothing and I had 5 kids with him. I wish you the best. T.

I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way sometimes with my husband. Although I am not extremly organized but just do things that make sense to Me. Like last night I bought a new printer and my husband said he would install it. Great. So I went to church and left him with the printer and the kids. I came home to find the printer not installed completely the old printer on the chair and the kids dirty clothes thrown on the floor in the basement. At first I got angry and then realized that they are not Moms. I don't think they are able to multi task the same way that we can. I was just grateful to have a husband that doesn't have a problem staying at home with the kids so that I can go out if need be. Some men do. I also learned that he didn't finish installing the printer because my daughter wanted to get on the printer. I think you should not get angry just be grateful that he did get the other child dressed. I think sometimes we expect to much from them. They aren't us. But I would say a gentle reminder or comment like, " Oh, I thought you were going to bring down clothes. " That way you aren't really nagging him put just making a statement of what you were expecting. Good Luck and remember like with the kids pick your battles.

Well I must chuckle. It sounds like your husband is one true male. Men do not think ahead. As both mom and wife, you must instruct both children and your husband, as you have been doing thus far. You can continue instructing him until he catches on (don't see this happening) or you can sit down and discuss this as the boys are asleep. Discuss with him your need for him to help in planning and getting things accomplished around the house. Men believe that stay at home moms (myself included) are so used to doing things for the family that if they take initiative they may get into trouble and cause the situation to be worse than what it started out to be. However, discuss with your husband that you need assistance and that as a full time mom, you don't get the luxury of stopping your job at the end of the day to come home and relax. That by helping you out when he gets home from work will help you both get things done and much faster. Good luck!

This is just my opinion... they don't get it unless they have to. They worry about the toliet not working, the yard, and the fix it things. And unless a man is alone then they get it but it takes awhile. I truly believe that it just comes as common sense to us and they have to learn the hard way... which is going back upstairs three times in a row.
Love your husband they truly try. It just comes natural to us.
They way I look at it is why bicker and complain about him not doing things that I think are common sense when there is a lot he does around the house that I have no idea how to do... like build a fence.
I believe that women and the house and children stuff are just common sense to us and to men working in and outside are common sense to them.

Yes you may have to direct him but at least he helps out.

I am very much like you, always planning ahead and looking into the future. My husband is NOT. I have just had to accept that since our son was born 2 years ago. He has 2 older children and I am constantly talking with thier moms and planning with them. I think it's a woman thing, and I have just had to adjust. Whenever I get mad at him for not doing something, he says "I can't read your mind" because his mind does not work like mine. Unfortunatlly, you will probably just have to adjust.

If you can get your better half to think independantly...let me know how you did it so I can try to train mine...ROFLMAO. Sorry...um...having had a grandfather, uncles, a brother, a father, boyfriends, been married a couple of times already, having given birth to 6 sons, I would venture go guess it's a guy thing. Next time before he heads upstairs to dress your other son a simple "and can you get the baby some clothes on your way back, please and thank you in advance." should work nicely unless he gets distracted along the way. Should he get distracted and come back to you without the clothes a simple reminder "you forgot the baby's clothes" should work. And if you need to tell him something when the t.v. is on...shut the t.v. off, tell him what you want to tell him then turn it back on...otherwise he won't hear a word that you're saying.

In my experience men are not muti-taskers like women especially Moms. Good luck!