Do You Have to Yell and Scream and Nag If You Want Help? Is This a Man Thing?

I bought my husband a sign for Christmas that said "When I said "I do", I did
not mean everything." Does that sum it up. Married 37 years.

It's called being passive-aggressive. And although I HATE ultimatums it might be time for that to happen. Stop yelling. Simply tell him if he doesn't start helping then you
A) are leaving
B) finding a couples counselor and if he won't go refer to A
C) he will find his stuff dirty and packed in a box in the garage
D) you will find a way to disconnect his video game system or block the cable channels he likes

Tell him no more yelling or nagging or screaming---he either helps or else.

No, you find a way to solve the problem now, before it goes on for years and you end up hating him. No, you shouldn't have to nag and yell, and what that ends up doing is making YOU look like the bad guy.

Counseling?

Robin -- below -- unfortunately husbands do that too.

Find a time (if you can) when you both aren't overly stressed. Tell him "I want to sit down and make a plan for jobs around the house. I really need help." Have a list already made of things he could do to help you and let him choose some (not all) of them. Make sure these are things that you are not particular about, so that he can do them and not be told he's 'doing them wrong'. And then, thank him for everything. *EVERYTHING* he does without having to be asked should get an "I noticed... thanks" so he knows he's getting points with you for it. When you have to remind him, try to just ask 'please' first and remind him in a friendly way "Oh, you said you would " or "You know, I really need help with" and then give him a time limit if necessary. "I need the towels brought upstairs before we go to bed tonight so we have some for tomorrow morning" or "I know you said you'd take care of the dishes; could you please make sure we have bottles for tonight?" Be kind, be specific, and when things are going right, this sounds a little cheesy, but send a card to his work for him, telling him thanks and how much you appreciate his hard work*. I do this probably once or twice a year, and I get a very appreciative, affectionate husband who feels loved.

No man is perfect, either. My husband will be fifty next year and he's still got his days of 'blindness' around the housework. ;) I hope some of this helps. I totally understand where you are coming from too... I've been there before with him and it's taken a lot of teaching myself to remember to stay calm, get his attention, and start a sentence with "Hey, honey, could you please help me with X right now? I'm up to my eyeballs..."

*Just to add, the reason for the card: something wonderful happens when the guy is at work and gets a card from his wife/girlfriend telling him how great he is. He may show it to his friends at work, who reflect back to *him* 'that's cool', etc. and show him their admiration. This causes the husband to think of himself as valuable on all fronts, work and home, and works to help him change his perception of himself in a positive way. Getting positive attention and affirmation in a different setting is great. If a husband isn't working out of the home, getting on the phone to one's MIL or other significant person in his life (while within earshot) and pouring on the compliments about how helpful your husband has been will also help. And yes, this is the same thing as complimenting our kids helpful actions in conversation by 'letting them overhear' us speaking positively of them. :)

I keep typing and deleting. See I know that being a mom is 24/7 which sucks, I know. I also know the working life so I understand why your whatever he is, doesn't feel like doing much when he gets home.

Really my advice to you is be a mom first and back off the nagging. The dirt will still be there when you have time and if he doesn't like it where it is at he will pick it up. In other words you have a small child, lower your standards.

Oh, I find I can ask my husband to do anything and he will do it. If I yell at him forget about it. Then again if he yelled at me there is little chance I would do anything either. Don't wait until you are frustrated, just say, hey can you clear the table while I take care of the baby.

I'm sorry. I think it's just a your man thing. My husband does not do that. He helps out a lot. Now he won't scrub toilets or anything, but he will help with the dishes or if I'm cleaning, he will take care of the kids. I would never hold back sex. That is how we feel close to each other and if I ever did do that, it would just frustrate him. I think you guys need to sit down and talk about both of your expectations and stop yelling. He doesn't want to be married to his mom

No..I don't ever yell or nag my husband. Seriously...I don't. My hubby is very helpful and actually looks for things to do around the house to help out. I didn't train him..he came that way. I looked for those qualities in him while we were dating. Then when we married he still did things to help..then babies came and he is even more helpful.

Don't withhold sex..that is cruel. Sex should not be contingent on household chores...it should be because you love and cherish him and want to show it. I think withholding sex,nagging and yelling has caused your man to pull away from caring about helping the household...or helping YOU. He has distanced himself from wanting to do things to help out..so he will only do it when he has to. Witholding sex,nagging and yelling will only cause resentment and then backfire on you.

I would suggest changing your "tactics". Be sweet as pie, give him some regular lovin' and refrain from any nagging or yelling. Then you need to sit down and kindly talk about things that need to be done around the house and have him pick the "chores" that he would like to do. Have him be involved in making that "to do" list and then you each pick off things you will do. Don't do it in a Mom to child type setting where you assign him his chores...or he will still keep acting like a child. Get him involved in the process and follow through.

I wish you the best.

I don't understand why men seem to think doing dishes is just bringing stuff to the sink. I've been married 10.5 years, and seriously, why is just bringing it to the sink good enough? Why do I then have to put it in the dish washer or into the recycling?!? (to be fair, hubby does the dishes on the weekends while I'm out at the store, but he still leaves me his beer bottles!)

I don't nag. I do. And I do. I get bitter. I say "I need help." I get told," this is life. it sucks for everyone. Wanna do my daily commute?" I then shut up. I don't want his life. I don't want to drive 60 minutes each way (when the traffic is good) to a job that doesn't pay what you are actually worth, yet depends on excessive hours. I don't want the responsibility of being the sole bread winner.

I wish my hands weren't as dry as they are. I wishI got to stay in bed till 8, but I don't. It's the way it is. Yes, you just get use to it. I'm not sure what else there is to do. I'd say raise our boys better, but honestly, I think men are two-bit hacks that aren't really capable of the multitasking abilities of women. There you have it. Women civilize, and that is just that. I don't even think most men see the dirt.

Everybody's going to come down on me like a house of bricks-but I think you shed a little light on the problem at the end when you revealed that he is your boyfriend-not your husband. You are the mother of his child and worthy of being a wife.-I'm not judging-and I don't know the whole story-but it's time he starts treating you like a jewel!

Oh yikes, I hate the husband or in your case boyfriend bashing posts. I'm not sure what you thought was going to happen when you had a baby but there are going to be bottles and dishes for two adults and a little baby.

I'm divorced....that's really easy and a sure way to guarantee that you get to do it all yourself.

If my ex-husband had screamed at me....I wouldn't "hear" him unless I was in danger of being hit by a car (he never screamed or yelled). The same goes for me, I wouldn't be that disrespectful...we simply didn't behave that way to each other or our daughter.

There are much more productive ways to communicate. If I were your boyfriend, the dishes could have piled up, I wouldn't have done them after being treated that way. It may have been cleaned today but don't count on it. And how's that withholding sex working out for you??? That might actually be a way to get closeness and develop better communication.

Lastly....Life is not fair.

I have to tell myself that it evens out somewhere. He does more in some areas and I do too. But I think the responsibility for housework and young baby care tends to fall on the woman, sorry to say. And having a baby is just stressful all around. I'd say go easy on the chores, don't make everything perfect, and go easy on him. I also like the advice from Hazel. I may use some of that myself. And I find that my husband will tend ot help more with jobs that seem more manly... whatever that means. Like cleaning the window screens, but not dishes. And years ago, I may have "accidentally" done something to his shirt in the laundry, so he does his laundry himself. (nothing terrible, just put it in the dryer).

But I'd say for the sake of your child, don't resort to yelling and no sex. That is a good way to end the relationship. Counseling may work too. I had a friend who was ready to divorce her husband b/c he didn't do anything around the house, and after counseling, they are great and he helps more. (btw, they had a male counselor who basically said that he was wrong and she was right and hearing that from a guy made him see the light).

Also, you may just need a night of sleep. I remember being so mad at my husband with our first child b/c of what you are describing, and after she was sleeping better and older, I regretted getting so mad at him b/c this hard time doesn't last forever.

I got the humor in your post. :)

I've never been a yeller, but I did have to nag a lot early in our marriage. I'm not sure what changed, but eventually things did improve - a ton! Some of it may be because we learned to communicate better, but I really think the main thing was that he finally grew up. He was 31 when we got married, and we've been married 17 years. About 5 or so years into our marriage he started to help out more when I asked. About 10 years into our marriage he started helping without me having to ask. :)

There is hope!

I find it works best to ask him what jobs he would like to do. (Ok, maybe none... let's face it, I hate housework, too.) Then, once he has his tasks, he is responsible for it, period. If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done, you don't do it for him. This might mean he doesn't have any clean laundry... oh well... too bad for him. Or that he'll have to get up early some mornings to do the dishes he didn't feel like doing.

Yelling and nagging does NOT work with my husband, at all. (Or my children, for that matter.)

You have to be real specific: "Honey, I am putting the baby to bed, would you please clean-up the kitchen?" I totally hear what you're saying as far as "pick something up, sweep something, do anything"... but its unlikely he will do that. They need SPECIFIC TASKS. "There is a basket of dirty clothes in the baby's room. Would you please put it in the washing machine?" Then, of course, you'll need to ask him to move it to the dryer.

My husband hates it when I say stuff like "It would be great if the table was cleared." or "It'd be nice if you would..." He prefers me to just say: "Would you please clean off the table?" Seems like semantics to me, but it makes a difference to him, so I try to just ask for what I need. I don't always succeed.

Also... an open secret: The more lovin' men get, the more loving they feel towards you. So if you want more help, you might want to get him in the right frame of mind, so to speak. Now... if you just had a baby, all bets are off. :)

Good luck. Alternatively, and I say this in COMPLETE seriousness... you can always hire a houskeeper.

I have found that when I am frustrated I am a really horrible communicator...as in, I am prone to nag, demean, and otherwise lash out. Not pretty.

I have learned to be more proactive and to consciously be kinder or funnier....what I get in return in a husband who does what I want, tries to please, and a self that I am not so ashamed of. It means that I *try* to be more patient (or more specific!) with time frames and that when I'd like to tell him exactly how I'd like something done, I do my very best to hold my tongue. When push comes to shove, it is loads harder to be swet, but it does yield better results...so I continue to work at it.

You love him and know him, probably better than anyone else. What one chore would he be good at? For my husband, its the weekly grocery run. There are still some weeks where, litterally, that is the only chore he does, but at least I have the satisfaction that it is a pretty substancial chore and I can rely on him to do it every week. When you choose your chore and first begin, realize you're going to have to train him to do it right. For my husband, this meant that I had to create the grocery lists with photos of the products and brands that we used. It took FOREVER for me to prepare the grocery list this way, but I really only had to do it for the first 4-6 weeks before he started getting familiar with what our family uses, then I could just start writing the list by hand - although I do still have to organize the list in the order that the items are by aisle in the store, otherwise he'll miss things.
Since our jobs only permit us to do grocery shopping once a week, and it is usually a massive trip up to $200 (we don't eat out), this equates to a big chore taking up about 3 hours on a Saturday afternoon. While he is gone, I sit on my duff at home and recouperate my resent-o-meter from all the times during the previous week I was working while he was pushing buttons on the remote. Recently, I also stopped doing his laundry and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. I just told him that I felt like a mother in our relationship, having to do his laundry every week, and that the idea of having sex with someone I feel like a mother to was a total turn off to me. This seemed to resignate with him loud and clear, and now he does his own laundry. Also, most recently, I announced one night at dinner that we had a new house rule. He who doesn't cook, cleans up after dinner. This rule applied to me too. I told him he would be responsible for cooking 2 dinners a week. When he cooks, I clean, when I cook, he cleans. So far, it's working. Baby steps!!! One new task at a time, and once you assign a task - it's his!!! Do not take it back again!!!
Good luck to you!!!

Hugs to you, S.. I know how you feel.

It seems all men are not like this, but OUR men are like you discribed, and I don't think they are going to change much. It's not a reason to leave a man you love, who is the father of your child/ren. But having a partner who needs to be treated like a child is frustrating and not sexy. And it feels awful to be the bad guy, always angry.

One bit of advice I've gotten is to just accept that our husbands are like they are. If we don't expect them to be different then we won't be frustrated. I have yet to be able to do this, but it's my new year's resolution. Something has to change for my kids' sake!

So, you are not alone, I'm sorry to say! But hopefully it makes you feel better. :)

Well, you can keep doing what you're doing and keep getting what you're getting until one or both of you have had enough. Then one or both of you will either demand/force a change but doing something different (either for the good or to end it).

I kept doing what I was doing and it went in one and out the other all the time. I recently had ENOUGH...honestly in my mind and heart I felt like it was over between us and I was just about ok with it personally (not so much for my daughter and all our history but for the current situation). I wrote a long letter and it really hit home when hubby realized how I felt...he heard me before but never listened. We're working on it.

i say let the kitchen go and don't do things for him he can do for himself (laundry, cook etc)

Your post about sex and a dad's comment about this question caused me to go back and read this and respond.

But, as I read down the responses I found Xtal L said it just about perfectly. Mama Twinkie added a few more great points. I don't have to write anything. They said it right. Read what they said and then go and do.

BTW, I don't clean the kitchen well enough for my wife, but I do try. I do much better when she makes a list. I do better with her lists than she does with mine. (What's on my list? Read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands".)

Good luck to you and yours.

What does he do when you ask for help?

Yes, it sucks. We shouldn't have to ask. But, we don't live in a world of "should" we live in reality. If you want him to pick up the bib, do you ask him or expect him to see it?

I get that you've had a "needs" discussion. That remains in his head for a week - TOPS. They need daily task requests.

Here's a mind-blowing tidbit I learned a couple of years ago (and, no, I'm NOT being sarcastic - it totally blew my mind when I heard this):

Men can ACTUALLY NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING. It actually blows most men's minds when they find out we CAN'T stop thinking.

What that means for your situation is that when you boyfriend is sitting there watching TV, he's not also thinking "Gee, S. is awfully busy in there. You know, come to think of it, she hasn't sat down since I've been home. ... Whoa! That car chase is cool!... Hmmm... she's bathing the baby and there are still dinner dishes in the sink. I wonder if she's expecting me to do those? I'm not really doing anything, I could help..."

He's just watching TV. So... if you want him to do something, you need to tell him.

Fair? No. Biology? Probably.

Now, if he whines and moans and complains after you ask him, then you have different issue that requires a more concentrated, focused attack.

But try asking for anything you need help with, first. And if you ask and he says he'll do it, then wait for him to do it. No matter how long it takes. You may want to gently remind him if it's been a couple of weeks and it hasn't been taken care of, but you can't expect him to do it on your timetable, either. It's just discouraging to them.

I'm not sure if it's necessarily a man thing or not but my hubby definately fits the mold! It's so hard to not get upset and angry with him - especially since I have a few girlfriends whose husbands are so helpful with house work, kids, etc. I can honestly say one thing that does seem to work for me is simply asking him nicely to do something - for example - after dinner when the kids are in the bathtub and he's sitting on his butt watching tv or playing his DS I will simply ask if he'd mind emptying the dishwasher while I give the kids a bath. It's hard to not sound like I'm nagging or ticked that he's just sitting on his butt doing nothing while there's tons to be done around the house but most times, not all, it does work! Also, a little alone time together can do wonders =)

are you my next door neighbor? I also live in Sexless nagville usa lol. Although I no longer have a screaming baby I have a whining teenager.

We now do what I call point and click cleaning when I need help. I point and say put this here or there, take this out, hang it up etc. Things they should be able to look at and know but don't seem to. Get a click and point routine going it works quick and no one is mad. well the teenager whines but they all help

Well, how do you ask him for help? Are you polite & respectful, or do you treat him like a 5 year old & nag & yell at him right off the bat? If it's the latter, no one in their right mind would respond to that.

Also, are you a stay at home mom? Would you rather go to work, and he stays home, and you get to be gone all day, dealing with bosses & co-workers & office politics & stress & traffic every day, and then come home after being gone for 9 or 10 hours & still be expected to help out with the domestic duties & get bitched at?

Or, would you rather that you both worked full time, and that you STILL got stuck doing most of the house work & child rearing? Call me crazy, but I'd rather clean & be mommy all day than deal with a full time job AND motherhood & wifedom on top of it.

Threatening to leave & ultimatums over something like cleaning are damaging, pointless & fix nothing.

I've been there! Completely breaking down and Crying got him to help, I guess I should have learned to fake cry and used it more! Yelling didnt really work, it made him back away. It's SO frustrating! But slowly (years) things got better. He was the stay at home dad during the day and began cooking dinner more- he likes cooking, so I stopped cooking and if he didnt cook we ate leftovers or sandwiches or eggs. I was still doing Everything else, even though I was working more hours. He started working less outside the home and I started working more. WE fought and I was exhausted, getting up with baby at night and working and shopping and cleaning. I stopped doing his laundry and only did mine, the babies, and sheets, and towels. He was forced to do his own. I INSISTED he do the grocery shopping. We now share that job. The more time he spent being a house husband the better he got at it, the more pride he felt in doing a good job. Now he works more as our youngest is in school full time, but his time spent at home really changed things. Can you go away for a weekend and get him to take care of the baby? Do not cook for him, leave him a shopping list, and a short list of cleaning, laundry that Needs to be done so he can spend 2 (or more) days doing everything you do? That is the only way he will fathom that you really work. Also NEVER expect him to notice what needs to be done and do it. Sorry, not gonna happen. My husband says all the time, in a grumpy voice like its my fault "Dont hint, if you want me to do something say it!" I'm a lot older than you and I tell you they dont get subtle. I mean this is so heavy tells a woman you could use some help. It doesnt tell a man that! Saying "This, this, this and this needs to be done" is not going to make him volunteer to do one of those things. You have to say, please carry this for me Its so heavy and you're so strong"
"I Need you to sweep or change the baby while I sweep, he likes when you change him" (they like the compliment thrown in there!) and (like children) you have to compliment. If he gets 60% of whats on the shopping list, you cant make him feel like a failure or he'll never want to go to the grocery store again! I might get bashed for saying this, I'm sure some men are great without this but I say train him the way you would train a 12 yr old boy, with patience and praise and High expectations that men can do whatever women can do (xcept breast feeding and giving birth) Good luck!

This is not just between husbands and wives. It's between moms and children and in my case, myself and my mother. It seems like there's hopefully, at least one person in the house that will do it all because it needs done. The rest of the family is just glad to let them.

First off you need to explain if this is a "you me, a me we or a we we" when you say things like "We need to keep the house cleaner" or "We need to share the chores more" and when I want my man to clean up and help out more, I just don't do them, like laundry - everything is clean but his uniforms for work or there are no clean dishes b/c he has not done them either etc. Stop yelling because that will get you no where.

I think they are like this because we let them be like this.. it is talked about that this is normal in front of them, they are taught to be this way...

mine gripes when the house gets dirty and about people walking by messes and not cleaning them up but he does the exactly what he is griping about... the more he gripes the less I do.. i dont buy into 'its a man thing"

http://wwnh.wordpress.com -- "What Women Never Hear", a blog from an older (80-y/o) man about what men are really like, and what motivates them, and how women can get what they want from men by changing their own actions and seeing men change themselves to match.

No, you don't have to "get used to it"...you just have to find a way to communicate that works for both of you. My husband and I both work full time jobs, and I'm *still* the main caretaker of house and kids. I used to live in sexless nagville too...and sometimes I still visit. :)

What worked for us was dividing up the chores and setting up a routine. How many bottles do you have/use? Can they all be washed at the end of the day? With our first, it was my husband's job to wash bottles. Granted, it never got done when *I* thought they should be done, but they were done by the end of the night and ready to go for the next day.

I know it's hard when you have a little one, but make some time for the 2 of you to sit down and talk rationally about what you would like and what he thinks is fair. Make a list of the things you do and what you would like to have help with. Divide it up "fairly" (you might have to negotiate a bit to figure out what's "fair" depending on how much one/both of you work outside of the home), and let it go at that. My husband doesn't always do things the way I would do them, but I've learned to pick my battles. At least he's doing SOMETHING.

My guy just doesn't "see" stuff that needs to be done. He HAS to have a list. So instead of "clean the kitchen" it's "put dishes in the dishwasher, wipe down the counters, put things back in the pantry, pick up crumbs from under the table." If I put "clean the kitchen", maybe ONE of those things might get done because he think's it's clean. :) And he's going to get to the list when HE wants to. Our agreement is usually "before you go to bed" XYZ has to be done. He can pick the appropriate time (or deal with the consequences).

Often times, people have different perceptions about the amount of work they do. I can feel like it's 90%-10% (with me doing the 90%) and he will think it's 50%-50%. Figure out how both of you are perceiving things and work out a balance.

Good luck!

Updated

Yep - I have. I am totally with you but I also think that is why God created us WOMEN because he knew the only way a Man would do anything is if they were nagged constantly and told what was right to do and what was not. The problem is that it seems so unfair to us and when we don't nag, the men go hey, I can go back to the way I want to be and not do things to help my mate and they slack. Very rarely do we find a man who says to himself, if I want to have a woman not nag at me, I should LISTEN AND HEAR AND ACT upon her words. When you do - do you really think you would tell your friends? If you did, they would be vying for his attention. No, those people quietly slip out from the world of dating, etc., and end up in the 50+ yr marriages.
God bless and hope you find some peace. I had to just tell myself, it ain't gonna change so just do what I can do and be happy.