Friends and Neighbors

You know, sometimes people just don't feel like babysitting other people's kids. Sometimes, they have better reasons. They don't actually need a reason.

Let it go, you are being really high maintenance about this. You need to decrescendo the expectations. WHY do you place obligations on "friends?"

maybe they had plans for after the party and weren't going to be coming home right away? Maybe even though they had an extra seat, they didn't have room because of the cake or presents, balloons that they had to fit in the car also?
I would actually never ask a neighbor to just take my kids. I'm pretty picky who drives my kids around and the only people who ever have done it are my husband, SIL and my mom. That's it. I usually drive them anywhere else they need to go. Maybe I'm over protective, but I just feel better about doing it myself

I would never expect/wish for someone hosting a party to give my kid a ride there. They have enough to deal with. If they do offer, I just think of it as a bonus.

Personally, when I'm hosting a party, I feel overwhelmed enough with what I need to remember and being on time that I wouldn't want the responsibility of additional kids. I can understand saying no, too much stress, nothing personal. Then again, no one has ever asked me to deal wih their kid for one of my kids' parties, so I'm not really sure how I'd answer. I won't say it's rude to ask the host for a ride, but it verges on selfish/thoughtless.

I think your expectations are a little high. Friends and neighbors do not "owe" each other anything.

If I understand correctly, they are hosting the party which means they have things to put together, set up , etc for the party. When I was hosting a party, I was pretty busy getting everything done that needed done before the party and assuming that the people who RSVP'd yes would make arrangements to get to the party, not rely on me for that as well.

I understand that it is sometimes a nice thing to offer someone a ride. I was always very picky about who my child was riding with and I never had any issues with getting her to and from myself. I prefer that independence and being in my car.

As for them saying no to you.... don't assume because they showed up with no extra kiddos that they were going straight home after the party. Families have lives, routines and schedules they work around and you don't know what they had planned afterwards. You just took it as in insult that they said no.

I don't understand why this bothers you so much. They were not doing anything offensive... they don't owe you anything, (ride, explanation, etc).

Some people just don't want the responsibility of other people's kids. Others say no rather than open a can of worms that everyone may ask. Regardless she doesn't need to have a reason beyond she didn't want to.

Just because you don't have a problem with it doesn't mean everyone else should feel the same, ya know?

Okay and it is also kind of strange that you are doing head counts on your neighbor. Did you also follow her home to make sure she didn't have somewhere to go straight to after the party?
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Ya know, far be it from me to point this out but all three of your questions are about your expectations of others. One other is specific to this neighbor. I will tell you what I tell my kids when they keep bringing social problems to me, use your words, no one is mind readers.

You seem to expect everyone to behave in the same manner as you, that is unreasonable and if you stubbornly cling to that you will be miserable because everyone will nearly always disappoint you.

Who knows why they said no.
So what.
Maybe they just don't want to create a habit of it.
Just because you are all neighbors/friends... often times, people just need... their... own... space and privacy of habits. Not being all intertwined in it all.
I am like that.
If they said no. Fine.
If they said yes. Fine.
Because, things like this can be never ending. And some people just don't want to be in a circular habit of it.
Fine.
And the thing is, no one has to be a car pool.
And the point is, they don't have to. Even if they can.
Everyone has their own lives.
Even if you are neighbors or friends and happen to be neighbors.
Personally, with neighbors that are friends, we do not get in each others hair.

There is nothing worse, than neighbors who happen to be "friends" and they get in your hair or you in theirs.
And there is nothing worse, than a neighbor who makes others feel obligated.

This isn't a big deal, and I think you're over-thinking it. This shouldn't be taking up so much of your thoughts and you shouldn't be so intense about it.

You don't have to always offer, and neither do they. This is one of those things that doesn't even need to always be reciprocated. Friends don't keep track of these sorts of things. If you keep track of these piddly little things, it makes me wonder what you do when the Big Deal Stuff happens.

Not. A. Big. Effing. Deal. l.

I don't think it was unreasonable for you to ask that favor, since you had a scheduling conflict. However, I wonder why you are bothered by this a year later. You say you're not going to ask her for a ride this year. Would you have if she had agreed to it last year? Maybe that's why she didn't want to do it. She didn't want to be committed to giving whoever lives in the neighborhood a ride when she has a kids party.

If I need something, I ask. It's the other person's responsibility and privilege to say no. Whatever the reason, it's none of my business. No need to take it personally or wonder why. And I want others to ask me if they need something, but allow me to be free to say no if I can't or don't want to help, without hurting their feelings..

Yes, it would be kind, thoughtful, considerate and neighborly for them to offer to give your kid a ride, but it is above and beyond what is expected for the host of a party. Every parent has different capabilities and limits. Maybe with all the commotion of hosting for the day the parent feels that they have a full plate. Heck, I haven't even ever had a friend birthday party for any of my kids yet, because I just can't take the extra stress. I know my limits.

Please do let this go. Why is it taking up so much space in your mind? Why do you recall the details of "I can't drive your child" decisions an entire year ago? Think about whether you keep score with these families in other ways and whether you tend to feel that they (or others) should reciprocate things in the ways you would prefer. It does sound a bit like you're keeping score.

Meanwhile, remember, you don't know whether the family who didn't give your child a ride might have had to carry stuff to this party like food, a cake, or decorations that took up room in the car. Maybe they (as someone pointed out) are folks who are very leery of taking responsibility for others' kids' safety. Maybe they know they'll have a ton of presents to cart home after the party. Maybe they know that the latch system in their car actually won't fit the booster like you assume it will....There could be lots of reasons but ultimately it doesn't matter.

You say that you won't even be asking about a ride -- so why IS it bothering you to this degree? I think it would be worth sitting down with yourself and asking why something so minor is taking up your energy. If these families are constant takers who never offer anything at all ever, that would be different and this would be one symptom of that bigger issue -- but if its' really just annoyance about rides, I'd let it go.

Haven't read your other responses yet but I'm in the camp where I wouldn't offer a ride if I were throwing MY child a birthday party. Maybe they'd like some private family time coming and going, maybe it's just too much going on where they don't want to be responsible for another child, maybe they are going somewhere before or after the party and don't want other kids with them, maybe they want extra room in the car for gifts - who knows? There's a lot to do when you're throwing a party. Maybe they just want some quiet time before or after the party. I wouldn't take it personally.

Since you don't know what's going on with the family, try not to pass judgment on them. I can think of a number of reasons I might not offer a ride even though I had the room to take other children.

This is one you need to try not to overthink. Classify it in the "it takes all kinds of people to make a world" department.

some people are just plain uncomfortable about taking other kids in their cars. parents are so touchy these days!
i wouldn't give this a second thought.
khairete
S.
ETA, loving bug's 'decrescendo'!!

Eh, I think you're overthinking this way too much. I can relate, though because I have worked a lot to stop being that way. It's too much energy to worry about why people do things and analyzing other people's actions.

Honestly, they're not obligated to do anything for you. Maybe they were stressed and didn't want to deal with another kid. Maybe they have a lot going on. Maybe they've been burned in the past and don't want to be responsible for someone else's kid? Who knows?!!! You're making assumptions about them, but you really have no idea why they didn't offer the ride.

Personally, I would never presume to ask someone else to give my kid a ride, but that's me. I do know that I probably also wouldn't want to be bothered with someone else's kid on the day of my kid's birthday party. If you can't figure out logistics, then sometimes an activity has to be skipped.

paragraphs would be very helpful. Bottom line, you are more thoughtful then some other parents. Keep up your thoughtful ways...people can be so selfish with their time.

I never expect the birthday family to take that on. It's so busy getting ready for a birthday party and unless they specifically ask if my kids want to ride with them, I assume they are too busy.

We often carpool to other people's birthdays though. The host shouldn't have to worry about the additional kids unless they ask.

If they offer, fine. If not fine.
Sometimes I offer, sometimes I don't.
I know O. thing, I dont think about it for more than 15 seconds, and nowhere nearly as long as it took you to write this post! Lol
I do think its odd that you made a point to almost stalk you neighbor the time you left at the same time so you could observe the # of passengers in their vehicle.
A good rule of thumb: live your life, worry about yourself, offer help when you can and say no when you can't.
And realize that others do all of those things as well!

When you're hosting a party, you have a lot of extra work to do and lots of stuff to haul in and out, gifts, etc. Sometimes you don't know if you'll be going right home or not. They probably didn't want to try to handle another kid on top of everything and be locked into bringing them home at a certain time. Parties are stressful - I know for me it's exhausting.

I usually don't offer either if we're hosting - even though we have a neighbor across the street who comes to all our parties.

When my kids were young, there was a pair of sisters on the block, each friends with one of my kids. I would offer them rides, but no one else. But it's not something that you're obligated to do! I don't think you should be annoyed with the neighbor, whether they were driving someone else, wanted to do something together after the party, or just don't like giving other kids rides, they don't owe you an explanation, IMO. You yourself said that some people offer rides and others don't. This family doesn't. Not everyone has to be just like us and offer to go out of their way to do whatever we do. It would be one thing if they constantly asked you to drive their kid someplace but never reciprocated/turned you down, but this isn't the case.

Generally, everyone needs to be responsible for transporting their own children. The reasons don't even matter. It is 100% okay for your neighbor to not give your kid a ride.

I'm a little late adding my thoughts and I haven't read other's responses. One reason I am hesitant to drive other people's kids (or let my kids ride with others) is the liability side of it. If God forbid, there was an accident, I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone else's child. I also don't want to worry about my kids riding with someone else who may not fit my definition of a "safe driver". But that might just be me.

Let it go, you take her. Not worth the brain power you are putting into it. People are funny it how I sum up things like this.

I usually offer to drive some kids when I can. Sometimes we are not planning on going home after the party, so I wouldn't be able to drive. I can't understand not giving a child a ride unless they had a good reason, and why they wouldn't say what the reason was when they told you they couldn't. "Sorry, but we are heading straight out to a baseball game after the party and wouldn't have time to drive her home." or "The cake needs to sit on the passenger seat so there is no extra room." Is this sort of thing usual for the other mom, or was it a one time thing?