Neighborhood Boy Doesn't like My Son

You could do it, give this boy a positive role model and change his life for the better.

just a thought......

Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you have all the time in the world. I hate it that people assume that because you are at home you are their personal errand runner. I work at home and it is the same thing. People think nothing of dropping by midday for a "chat". I am working! Being a SAHM is work too - don't let someone bully you into providing rides...

even if you did it your husband's way, it doesn't sound as if this is something you want to do. you don't seem to like anything about this family.
so why not just say no? doesn't have to be rude. 'sorry, imogene, i'm afraid that won't work for us. good luck!'
what does the boy's weight have to do with anything?
the boys don't have to walk together.
khairete
S.

You don't owe anyone any explanation. Just say no.

I don't know why your hubby feels the need to explain.

Only you can allow someone to use you like a doormat. Learn to Say No... or you will be back here wondering why you are being used.

ETA: You son should not feel obligated with walk to school with this kid either. Let him walk to school on his own.

Yeah, I can't figure out what his weight has to do with anything either.
The power of "no" is awesome.
"No, I can't take him to school or pick him up, I have other obligations."
You don't even have to say "sorry", because you're not.

You aren't obligated in any way. I'd just say your mornings are too hectic and you don't want the responsibility of getting someone else's kid to school.

Ok...you might look at this as an opportunity.
"Sure, Linda, I'd be glad to take Justin with us on the days I drive Johnny. I'll text you on those days, so you'll know. Maybe this will give the boys some common ground--they don't seem to get along very well, which is a pity, since they're neighbors!" (This might lead to more detailed conversation.)

It's a few rides. Who knows what this kid deals with every day. Maybe he could use a friend? What does his weight have to do with this? Odd that you mentioned that.

I would not feel obligated to take their child to school, I hate the way some people try to take advantage of people just because we are stay at home parents so they think we should tend to their children as well as their own.

That said, I have helped neighborhood kids, even those that are not friends with my kids, because they are kids and I am an adult and will act as such. But if they want me to give regular rides to school I would make sure the child was at least cordial to mine, if he was out right mean or rude the rides would stop.

I would just say I am sorry that doesn't work for us. You don't need to explain to her. It's funny the first thing on my facebook page this morning was one of those saying things. "No" is a complete sentence. It doesn't need explanation or justification. Just tell her you are sorry and no it doesn't work for you. And out of curiosity why do 13 year olds need an adult to walk them to school? Unless you live in a high crime area why can't they just go to school?

I agree with your husband in that you should talk with his parents and explain the situation, but not because you have decided to give him rides. I would explain, "I don't know how I feel about giving your son rides when he has such animosity toward my son and has had since we moved here. I will think about it, but right now my answer is no."

While it's not the boy's fault that his parents seem to ignore or neglect him, he and his parents have reaped what they've sown. The consequences of treating people poorly (or allowing your child to do so) is that those people don't want you or your kids around. Perhaps this conversation will be a catalyst for them to engage more in their sons' lives. Who knows?

I would just say no. Doesn't work for me.

Frankly, if you live close enough to the school for the kids to be walking, it can't be that far out of her way to take her own kid.

I'm all for trying to make a positive impact on kids who are neglected and need someone to take an interest in them, but it sounds like you have maybe tried that as much as you have been able up to this point. And 2 minutes in the car (you live walking distance) isn't going to change a thing. It really isn't. Except maybe stress your own kid out at the beginning of his school day.
I wouldn't do that to my child.

Would you care to elaborate on this kid's behavior and how he is not nice to your son? If he is like that to everyone and not just your son, then he is probably like that at school as well. That would up the stress level for your son, riding in together.

I just would say no. Maybe other people have their acts together a little better in the mornings than I do, but mornings are the worst for us. I am not a morning person. Being responsible for someone else's kid (especially when you wouldn't know ahead of time, it would be a decision made that morning) would stress ME out. If it were something on a regular schedule, you could plan ahead. But spur of the moment in the mornings when you get up and the weather is bad? No. I wouldn't want that responsibility, especially when your own schedule will already be off track.

Why do you owe this family an explanation?? Just say "NO".

Say it with me: "No. I can't do that."
Again: "No. I can't do that."

Practice it in front of a mirror too.

If you are around when the neighbor boy says ANYTHING mean or rude to your son? You flat out address RIGHT THERE...no if, ands or buts about it.

You also MUST teach your son to stand up for himself. He needs to learn social interaction and social engagement. You need to role model the response and behavior when someone says something unacceptable, mean, etc. if you allow it to go on, you are condoning the behavior. I don't think that's what you want.

You need to tell the other mom NO.
You need to teach your son to stand up for himself.
You need to put the other boy in his place if you EVER hear him talk bad.

Good luck!

I would not subject my child to being forced in the company of someone who is unkind towards them. I remember being in carpools growing up and hating it when someone was being mean, just dreading it, and not even wanting to explain it to my mom. It was like torment there was no escape from and the kids being mean know they have that power of being in your space no matter what. Even if you're vigilant, some things will go on out of your sight and earshot.

That being said, I agree with the others who said to just give a simple, "no, I'm sorry, that isn't going to work for me" I would not bring up anything about the boy's behavior. Your son will be relieved.

Why do you bring up his weight? Is that a factor in the relationship?

And you say he is 13, but she calls at 10 PM looking for him and he is 10? So is this the same child or the 13 year old's brother??

It sounds like this neighborhood boy has not learned any social skills from his absentee parents. If he feels unloved and unworthy, it's going to affect his behavior.

So you can make a decision here. You can offer, now, to take the boy with you to the movies or out to the science museum, and you can take the time to talk to him about good manners and what to say/not say. Don't just say, "That was a mean thing to say." Add in, "What would be more effective, Jimmy, is if you said XYZ to my Johnny." Then let him know that, if he can learn these manners, there will be other opportunities for fun. Try this for a month and see if there is improvement. Kids learn what they are taught.

Otherwise, you can tell the mom what Suz said: "Sorry, I can't take on the responsibility of working my schedule around anyone else's kids on rainy days. I hope you work something out." She can hire a college kid to pick up her child and help tutor him with his homework if she's not around. I don't think you have to say, "Gee the boys don't get along and your son is disrespectful." If you're already taken him out for a few things, you can even say to the mom that it didn't work out and the boys can go their separate directions. It also sounds like you feel imposed upon by her, since it's all one-sided - you show kindness, she shows cluelessness.

Well, it sounds like you don't want to do this - and I guess the bigger question is, would you son want to ride with him?

I can't really tell if this boy is nasty (says mean things) to your son, or did they just not click? Was your son interested, but the other boy wasn't?

If he's mean to your son, I can't imagine even bothering to drive him. But if they just never were friends, it might not be as big a deal? My kids carpool for sports things where they don't know the kids (from different schools etc.).

I guess you need to decide if you want more involvement with this family. From your post, I'm taking away that you don't really care for them, nor do you really respect them. So I'm thinking you don't sound like you want to take this on. You certainly shouldn't feel obligated, and a simple "I'm sorry that just doesn't work for us" is fine (or something similar).

I prefer not to get involved with families (even driving) unless it's pretty easy (on same page and like the family) because then you're stuck for however long doing this arrangement. If you feel there's any chance this is just going to be stressful - I wouldn't take it on.

And you can't really say "We will, if your son is nice to our son" because that's trying to tell their son what to do .. it just seems awkward to me. If you have to do that - it's not really worth the bother in my opinion.

Good luck. I know how it can be weird to have awkwardness with neighbors who ask favors, I'm always surprised when they do - but I've learned it's just easier to put your family first. You don't owe them anything. It's a great feeling to help out people who would do the same for you and that you actually like and respect. If it's a hard decision like this - it's usually a sign it's not worth the bother.

I would just tell her that you won't be driving your son at all. I mean, it's Texas...how bad can the weather be? If it is raining he can take an umbrella and if it's cold he can wear a jacket. Or, you can offer to do it for a fee and make it a business arrangement. Or you could do it but make sure the boy understands that you will not tolerate any rude behaviour.

As Sherry said, just say no. This isn't a good friend of yours, you don't owe her an explanation, just say I'm sorry that's not going to work for me, you need to find other arrangements.
I realize saying "no" can be hard, especially to a neighbor, but if you piss her off, well so what, right? Like I said, she's not a friend nor is getting her child to and from school in ANY way your responsibility.

Why is getting her kid to and from school your responsibility?
I was always a working mom and I never asked SAHM's to pick up and drop off my kid. That was MY responsibility.

You can consider taking the kid and if he is mean or nasty to your son in your car tell him straight up that you are doing his mother a favor and he can either respect your family or he can walk.

Or you can tell the mother no, you do not want to do this. No is a complete sentence. You can explain or not, but frankly taking the kids to school is not your job.

I used to live across the parking lot from someone who worked in the same building. She had a parking spot and I did not. For about a month we rode together and then she decided it wasn't working for her so I went back to my old commute. She was not beholden to me because I lived so close. It was not her job to get me to work. The neighbor may not like being told no, but if you really don't want this task, don't take it. You can perhaps offer when you see the kids in really bad weather or something, but only if you have the time. I used to drive my SD's friends home after play rehearsal only if I could afford the time and gas to drive all over the place. Other times they'd just have to wait for the public bus.

My SS did often get a ride to school from a friend's dad, but if he was not ready on time, the friend left without him. Period. SS had to be responsible for himself. Your son may also not want to commute with this kid, even walking. Just because they go the same way doesn't mean it has to be together.

So who decided that your kids would be walking together? I say just send your son on his way to school without waiting for this kid. Why is the mom assuming they will walk together if the boys are not even friends? My son used to walk with a friend but now he walks on his own. There are several neighbors with kids his age but they don't ask or assume that the kids should walk together.

I'm kind of a stay at home mom too. I was taken advantage of last year by a woman who didn't drive. I was driving her kids back and forth and they were loud and obnoxious.

You could lie and say your son has after school activites and won't be coming home right away or just not commit to driving the boy when the weather is bad.

Another idea is to ask for gas money if you are being asked to drive this kid home.

The last option is to just have a talk with the mom and say the kids are not compatible and it probably wouldn't be a good idea if they hang out.

I do feel bad for those kids if they are being ignored by their parents. They may not be acting right because of it and could use all the friends they can get. My two youngest don't have any real friends right now and it hurts me everyday.

We have two girls the same age as my daughter and countless boys the same ages as my boys - we don't really associate with any of them. The reason is one family has 8 kids and they sort of run the block. They are nasty and ill-behaved all of the time. My kids don't WANT to hang out with them.

So if she asked me to do something like that, I would say no and not feel bad or feel the need to explain. Nor would I even think to ask her to do something for me. Her kids know they can come to my house in an emergency just as mine know they can go there, but we don't socialize outside of that. A friendly wave is as far as it goes in general.

If you opt to drive him, that is very kind of you. I would then take the route your husband is suggesting and lay out the ground rules.

You sound like a nice person. I'm all about helping neglected kids.

These poor kids sound neglected. It would be wonderful of you if you could help them out. The 13 year old can't help it if he hasn't been parented properly.

I don't think you need to tell the parents that the 13 year old needs to be cordial to your child, YOU need to tell the 13 year old to be cordial to your child. If this kid had effective parents, he wouldn't be rude to your son. Obviously you can't expect this mother to change things.

Sure, transport the kid to and from school when necessary, and parent him and teach him some manners while you're at it.

I think its more than wise to have this conversation.
God puts people in our lives for a reason. If you give kindness to a kid who does not deserve it, think of the impact that could have on him? And clearly the mother needs some help. I think you should with all the kindness you can muster address your expectations with his behavior and give it a go.