Found Adult Things on Computer

I think many men do this (and probably some women), however i would not want to see this on my computer and know what my husband was looking at. I would tell him up front that it makes you uncomfortable and since it is a shared computer than he needs to either a) buy his own private computer b) find another way to indulge himself. C) Learn to completely cover his tracks so you never stumble across it again on the computer d) stop.

There are some things that you just have to accept (to a certain degree) but at the same time, there are some things that he should be more descrete about.

If he's staying at home and your the one who benefits from his excitement, what does it matter? Maybe you should share in the venture and do it with him and then both of you could reap the benefit. I disagree with you pointing out to him that his behavior is wrong. Your sending him the wrong message. Maybe if you opened up to him and didn't act like it bothered you, he would do it with you and he wouldn't feel as if he had to hide things from you.

Keep an open mind, that is all I'm saying. You'll be surprised at his response if you show interest too.

Hes a grown man. There is no harm in just looking. Everyone gets curious once in a while. I look at other hot guys and I am sure you do to. Cut him some slack, don't make to big a deal about it. Its probably nothing and it popped up looking at another site. It happens, just worry about the kids seeing it.

I use to be like you in that I hated magazines, strip clubs etc. Then I started going with my husband. Once I saw how they were and talked to the girls I realized it is really nothing to be scared of. I also buy videos and we watch them together which is really quite exciting. Just try to open your mind and have fun with it.

Lisa, I don't think the issue is how it got there but why your husband feels the need to lie to you about it being there. Clearly, he is guilty and you have NO reason to get your feelings hurt by it. Men are visual beings and I'm guessing that by you tending to the kids needs most of the time (which is exhausting as we all know) that your husbands needs may be taking a back seat. I feel that you should be thankful that your husband is at home looking at stimulating his desires rather than out satisfying them. I was raised with four older brothers. I've always had more guy friends than girlfriends growing up and I've been in a wonderful marriage for 27 years. You are NOT going to change the nature of the beast but you can change your attitude on how you view this. Again, this is NOT in any way a threat to you!. This has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him and who he is as a man. Your marriage will benefit greatly once you accept that. Try it and enjoy each other. A great marriage is knowing the individual needs of your partner and taking care of them. You may want him to do the laundry, make the bed take out the trash and give you a great foot massage at the end of the day. You'll have a much greater chance of getting what you desire from him if you satisfy one of his desires in exchange. (A mans genitals reminds me of nose. When it gets congested, a sneeze can be a big relief). Men need to "sneeze" alot more often than most women. I hope you are enlightened by this approach and enjoy a very happy marriage for many, many years to come!!!

Sorry, I don't agree with the last comment.

Looking at pictures like you can find on the Internet is not a good habit to be in and I would be concerned too.
You can go to http://www.safefamilies.org and download free parental software to block adult sites.

I have been married for 18 years and can tell you my husband would never think of going to them sites. I wouldn't stand for it either.

Hi Lisa,

First, let me tell you that many people run across pornography on the internet without asking for it. Many sports sites end up sending you unsolicited pop-ups for these types of sites. Lots also comes via email. I get these types of emails daily. They are cleverly disguised, so until you know what they are, you do look at them. Now, I know, so I delete without opening.

You need to figure out if this is something that he got an email or pop-up, and clicked on out of curiosity, or is it something that he's actually spending his time pursuing. If it was a curious click to see what it was about, that is very different (and probably not a big deal) than if he is looking for it.

I know that you are shocked & hurt, but try to discuss it without blaming him to find out what the real situation is. If it was a one-time thing, then try not to overreact, just let him know that it doesn't make you feel very good, and let it go at that.

If it is something more, then you need to find out what's really going on here.

Pam

I personally am shocked and sickened by many of the response's on here! It is NOT ok and it DOES do damage and to tell this poor woman that she should loosen up and 'go with it' is disturbing to say the least. I finally told my husband - hey you have three daughters. Once upon a time those women where somene's little girls - think about it. I'm just appalled, and I'm sorry that is the kind of adice Lisa that you have gotten. No wonder our world is in the shape it's in...

I am not sure if this will help or not. But, what I did was explain to my husband that I personally felt that him looking at that stuff was a replacement of me. I told him that it was like cheating on me. And, checking the history of the computer will tell you who and when someone visited a particular site. That is how I handled it.
B.

I dont think theres anything wrong with it as long as your children dont have access to it. I would assume that since they are young they are supervised while they are on the computer. Maybe ask that he keeps in it in a folder that they wont have easy access to or you can have more than one login to the computer, one that is safe for the kids to tool around on and one that is for you and him to use. I personally would rather know what he is looking and be open about it. If you think it is bad and he doesnt then it will just make him go into hiding about it if you demand to take it away, etc. If he agrees that he thinks its wrong and agrees to stop then its a different story.

I think this is a serious problem, and unfortunately it is all too common. So, if your husband says, "all guys do it" he isn't far off, but it still isn't right. Find a marriage counselor. YOur husband needs to deal with the reality of the effect of his actions. YOur feelings are valid and understandable. YOur husband may have a minor problem, or a major one, but he needs to deal with it right away. It could be that he wanted you to find out so that he could deal with it with you. Stand up, articulate your thoughts and feelings, confront, and lovingly seek some solutions together with outside help if necessary. The sooner the better.

I too faced this with my husband a couple of years ago and he told me it had nothing to do with me, he just needed it. In some ways I'm sure that's true, but I reminded him of his wedding vows that "he would have none other than me" and this was a breach of our vows and he needed to decide which one of us he wanted. Believe me I'm not a prude in bed and keep myself in good shape so I knew it wasn't because of me. He said he needed it to get in the mood sometimes. Seek help together and do whatever it takes to get it out of your life. J.

Dear Lisa,
I wholeheartedly agree with those that suggest it is a problem - it is. As someone with a degree in counseling, pornography is an addiction that is recognized as such in the psychology
field but also one that is hurtful to wives and harmful, if not destructive, to marriages. However, it's also a problem that when dealt with can bring restoration and healing to your hubby's heart and your marriage. There are lots of resources available out there...here are just a few :

Some of these books are available at Family Christian Stores (hall road in sterling heights) , Borders or Barnes and Noble. There are secular books that address this issue as well, however, God is the only one that I believe can bring complete restoration to your marriage and so I would suggest that you look into these :

Living with your husband's secret wars ~ http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item...

Every Heart Restored: A Wife's Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin
http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item...

Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Purity One Victory at a Time also found at christianbook.com

Mag. article / online articles
http://womentodaymagazine.com/relationships/helphusband.html
http://listen.family.org/askdrbill/A000000848.cfm

I'll be praying for your family and marriage!
Hope this helps!
J.

Hi- I'm so sorry you have to be dealing with this. I know there's people out there who are OK with their spouse looking at that stuff, but that's not me, either!!! It's completely unnecessary, and hurtful for you weather your husband agrees or not. No matter how hard it is, it's important for you to stand your ground. He needs to know how it affects you. If he is not willing to honestly talk about it with you (calmly,politely and mature), counseling should begin. This is an addiction for MANY guys and is hard to break. Years ago my husband used to look at that stuff a little (before I knew him). We got married last year and just to stay disciplined and to help me feel good about it, he's signed up with this thing called the X3watch. I think it's free, and it keeps track of everything that's looked at on our computer. Once a month, it emails me to tell me if there were any questionable sites/material looked at. Sometimes it brings something up that I knew what it was and it was something else not questionable, but if it wonders at all, it will tell you. Maybe it's an option for you guys?? My husband is the one who set it up/etc. so I don't know a lot, but the site is XXXchurch.com. Also, there's this: ____@____.com, I think that's the email address. Please know that it's good that you're concerned because you shouldn't have to deal with it. Your husband may feel embarrassed to tell you what he's been looking at, so be sensitive with your approach to him. Maybe you have a friend or 2 you can talk to as well? Good luck & stay strong!!

Lisa,

I think you need to talk to you husband and ask him to be very honest with you. Then you have to remember if you ask that and he is honest with you , you may not get an answer you like or really wanted to hear. Also you have to cut him some slack for telling you the truth and not lying to you. I would let him know how it upsets you and tell him you'd rather he didn't do that. If he really needs something to look at maybe you could take some pictures of your self with a digital camera and out them in a locked( need a password to open) folder in the computer and when he feels the need to look at something he can look at you. Some times men need that when we aren't feeling up to "it". Just remember he is your husband, you love him, and help each other through this time.

I first found magazines. It made me sick. I was pretty ticked off but mostly just hurt. I was not sure what to do. I asked around and I could not believe the responses that I got. Most of my friends basically said "get over it- that's what men do" I did not want to get over it. i hated it. Then the pop ups started on my computer. He denied it when i brought it up. I just let it go against who I am but in our case we had a lot of other issues going on at the time of all of this and that one started to seem mild. I have not found anything recently but who's to say i wont down the road. I wish you luck. I just wanted you to know that I didnt like it either I was hurt and upset. I dont care that a lot of people do that doesnt mean my husband has too. I wish you the best with this delicate situation. Good luck

Hi Lisa! Let me share some of my 3 years of experience on this one. Yes, I said 3 years! That is how long I battled with my husband over this. I will tell you that if you make a big deal...they seem to keep at it. I wonder if it just adds to the excitement of it all? Anyways, once I made the one statement that I don't ever want our little one to find any of that stuff on the computer(because my husband would save stuff on the computer, too, not just look it up) and then I just ignored it and acted like it was no big deal. He would stay up late at night looking at the stuff. Suddenly, he stopped and even told me that it was getting old and he wanted to focus on other things in his spare time. Now, I make no guarantee that this will work for you, but it is worth a try. As for your feelings being hurt....I totally relate...it does hurt. Unfortunately, many men do like to look at that stuff...it is disgusting, but I think that the more you do not react the less fun it is for them. Also I have found that if my husband is not getting any, he tends to look at the stuff again. If I were you I would definitely emphasize the part about your little ones finding it on the computer...you do not want that to happen, of course. He really needs to think about that! Well, I hope this helps....good luck to you!

Ahh, this is always a sore topic in my home. It's always the "I don't know why I did it" answer, too.

The last time I found something to this extent, I edited the privacy in the internet explorer and entered all the sites he has visited. there is a way to "parental control" the husband as well as the kids! I also said to him... "would you really enjoy our son seeing this on the computer?" and "Um, do you realize some of this stuff can be tracked by the police and you can get busted?".

So far, when I run a random check... I have not seen anything. It also helps to have spyware on the computer to remove the information that is embedded in the computer from these sites.

Best of Luck... I know what you are going thru and it is not a fun thing. And no, I do not feel you are overreacting as it makes me feel like a piece of dirt when my husband looks at this.

Lisa are you sure he clicked on it? Our family had problems and it started when they clicked on something for school and we couldn't stop sights from popping up. It was frustrating until a friend came over and changed a setting so they didn't pop up. If your husband is using the computern for adult sights, I hope you get some time together to discuss how it makes you feel and the research done on the affect looking at these sights can have on families. I hope you the best.

First of all make sure the kids do not get a hold of it. Does dad have a personal lap top. If he does'nt he may want to get his own computer for that. Truthfully you cannot stop him from doing it. It has to be his own personal choice. And it does not reflect on you as a sexually attractive women, so do not down yourself. This is his issue that he has to deal with. Don't let it define who you are. How would he feel if you were doing things that you were uncomfortable with? Was he like this before you married him or before you had children? IF so have an open mind, you can't control it but you can work through it.

Hi Lisa,
At one point I had also found that my husband (but was my boyfriend at the time) was looking at "adult things" on the computer and like you I was hurt and angry. He knew though that sometimes I would check his stuff because at that time I was having trust issues and he knew it when we met. These issues didn't have anthing to do with him at the time, but this didn't help. When I confronted him he he had that caught in the head lights deer look. I asked him why he felt the need to have to look at these things as our relationship was healthy in every way, so of course my next question was...Am I still attractive to you. He said a resounding yes. He said that sometimes it would help him to get in the mood and hold the endurence. (My husband is 19 years older than me) I told him that to me it felt like he was cheating on me. At first he couldn't understand how I could possibly feel that way. I told him that that was how much it hurt me. The end result was I told him that I had no problem looking at stuff with him but I would like if he didn't do it alone. He apologized and hasn't done it since. Of course That has been about a year ago and yes I have checked a couple of times since and thankfully found nothing. He could see how much it had hurt me and has respected my wishes. I guess my advice to you is to try and get him to tell you why he is doing it in the first place, and second if you are confortable with it, tell him you wouldn't mind sharing it with him. My husband also said that men just like to look, which I have also come to terms with in the walking world, but I don't agree with him as far as "going" to look for it on the computer. I hope something here helps and I wish you the best of luck.
L.

I didn't mind when I had my pre preg body. But while I wasn't feeling so hot I asked that any mag's be kept put away. And more so if I had a little one who could find it. What made the difference was telling him how it made me feel. We still want our husbands to want us like that skinny 18yo in playboy.
He said he never wanted me to feel that way. And would trash the few mag's he had if it would help. So give him a chance to wow you. And then make some house rules that work for everyone.
Good luck. A. H

Lisa,
I totally understand where you are coming from. I found the same thing a couple years ago on our computer. I was so hurt, angry. I also confronted my husband and although he was a bit embarrassed he thought it was no big deal. I have found myself pulling away from him emotionally since then. I just can't seem to get over it. I can't seem to get him to understand how deceived and hurt and how unattractive it makes me feel. I wish I could give you some advice, I just know it is not an easy thing to get over. Best of luck.

It was rough enough discovering one of my kids sneaking during the night and accessing sites like this. Kids these days are extremely computer saavy.
But your kids are way too young, it obviously isn't you. I don't figure who else it could be. I will admit that some sites send you porno email somehow. I sure didn't ask for it.
Sounds like there are some issues between you and your husband that need to be ironed out. Asking "What is that?" is hardly a case of over reacting. It's a simple question. He's defensive of his actions if he immediately accuses you of overreacting. It's a way of turning the focus on you instead of him. He doesn't seem to think he has to justify his actions.
Talk about it between yourselves or a counselor. Because he's violated the element of trust. Severely.

Hi Lisa,

I think at least 80% of wives have been in your position at one time or another. I know I have. I agree with the other posts that you need to sit and talk with him about this and be prepared to hear his answer. You need to decide if this is something YOU can tolerate in your marriage. If you can't, then that needs to be said and that boundry needs to be set. If he can't comply with that, then it's time for some counseling. "Adult" things are some of the most adicting things for men because they are by nature stimulated by the visuals.

Many women have the opinion that if he's just looking that it's okay. But just looking can turn into unhealthy habits. Men are such visual beings, try reminding him that majority of these women, especially ones that are posted through online sites, do this to support drug habbits. They're prostitutes and would he go stare at a prostitute on the side of the road? Or pay one? Because essentially, that's what's going on.

Good Luck

Hi Lisa-

I had the same thing lastweek. I also asked some people for opinions and I didn't really like what I heard but all answers were the same, even from my boss. Most men look a it but they don't veiw these women as real women. Most men don't think of them when with their wives but some do. Most wives don't like it including me and personally it hurts my feelings that he feels the need to look at these nasty women. I was told not to take it personally it's just something that men do and they can't really explain why. Don't be to hard on him for denying it, they don't want us to be angry about it because it just starts a fight.
You do need to ask him to not download things to the computer or even look online, it can truely wreck your computer. If he does feel the need to look at these things he needs to get videos, I know you don't like that either but I guess we'll both cope with it and maybe someday he'll be too old to care:)( Yeah right)

S.

I've dealt with this recently. I'm not big on it at all, but I know its something that MANY MANY men do and like. After finding it the first time I asked him not to do it when the kids were around(not that he was doing it when they were around) or when I AM NOT home, but if he feels the urge to look at it, tell me and we can have a little fun of our own(provided the kids are in bed or not home) so he doesn't have to look at that to get what he wants. I also used an example of he doesn't want me to smoke(I don't but used to) and how would he feel if I decided to start smoking again and did it behind his back, how would he feel? HTH!

Hi Lisa - Be careful with this issue - it really hits to the core of some men. If you can, look on the browsing history of your computer and see if this was a one time thing or more. Be aware of when the site was created an when he might have viewed it. Give him the benefit of the doubt. There were times that a button was pushed inadvertintely and believe me, when they are pushed, even by accident, it lets in ALOT of links that he may not have even thought could be there. I know it hurts to think this may be happening - believe me. But really sit down with him and ask him about it - be open all of us make mistakes from time to time, but if there is a problem - GET HELP. But when you come to him, make sure it is in a attitude of understanding - yes, you are hurt and you need to let him know that without getting mad, if possible. If he has done nothing more to get your suspicions up, remember his and your love and focus on that to bring him to talk with you about it. Please try to do this after he's eaten something (smile) and the kids are down for the night. You need to be able to really focus on each other... Please remember that the best present you can give your little ones is a mom and dad who love each other - feelings of "love" come and go, but commitment lasts forever... God bless you in what I know is a very hard and hurtful time. Let me know if there is anything else I can give you help with - I hope this helps.

WOW - you got alot of advise some I agree with some NOT!

This could have been an accident, but maybe not. Pornography for some people is like Pandora's Box. Once sampled the craving and desire just increases and gets worse. Together you should check out the following two web sites:
www.XXXchurch.com and www.x3watch.com

The first gives lots of info on how damaging Pornography is to marriages the second has a free software to download on your computer that acts as an online accountability partner to help people who have trouble not looking at sites when they, "just pop up" or are crusing the internet looking for a quick fix.

As long as this is nothing to do with cheating then i belive it is fine.I also agree with the people that have said joining him in the action. Makeing anyone feel bad for thier actions sexally nomatter what the age i belive is wrong. You should not shun someone for thier desiers. As long as it does not bother or harm anyone